Small OS without any pretention written spontaneously.
But still I like it…
Thanks to my Beta, Kiki
« Reflection Time. »
Dean sits at the side of his bed watching some TV show about global warming. Not that he's concerned about it, it's actually very boring, but he's alone with Castiel and a heavy silence took place between them making him uncomfortable. So he decided to turn the Motel TV on. Sam found this place in a rush and it was not quite pleasant…
Dean realizes suddenly Sam went out to get food for... he looks at his watch…2 hours…
What the hell is taking him that long ?
There are only three channels on this middle-aged TV, and the quality of the image is damn crappy. At least there is a porn channel but watching it with Castiel squatting here next to him? No way ! He would ask way too many embarrassing questions in a very innocent tone and Dean would have to answer. He knew that.
On the other channel : a documentary about bears' hibernation. Could it be more boring?
So he decided to watch this stuff about global warming, praying it would end very soon… He almost thinks the silence sounds better than that after all…
Castiel obviously don't find this as boring as he does…Here he is, sitting straight on the side of Sam's bed.
He looks almost hypnotized by the TV images, always curious about everything. Castiel likes watching TV, it's a good way to watch human's world.
Dean can't help but smiles tenderly watching his friend so focused in front of the screen. He can even tell he's puzzled because his head is tilted as it usually when something intrigues him.
At this moment he's just Castiel… His angel, his strange friend, that kind of alien he wouldn't leave for everything in the world…No more God, no more Leviathan, no more fallen angel, no more torture…
After all they've been through those past years, he wonders how this friendship could have last so long and become that strong.
It's like the bond they share is unbreakable and can always bring them back to each other.
After all, Castiel took his decisions believing it was the right thing to do, it's certainly the reason Dean can always forgive him no matter what he does, and he's not the best person in the world either. He did some stupid things too.
He messed the angel's life at least as much as he messed his own.
Even if Castiel always pretends he chose men rather than angels, using his precious free will, Dean knows it's not that easy, there's more, the main reason why he chose them…Castiel did it for him, to protect him.
He's sometimes uncomfortable thinking how important he seems to be in the angel's life now. He feels like he's not worth it, especially when he remembers all the sacrifices he did for him.
He knows Castiel is fascinated by humans, he loves these God's creatures…He wants to understand them, feel the same things, even if he wasn't built for that, emotions and feelings doesn't really exist for angels, but he keeps trying…with all his clumsiness and all the mistakes he made.
Dean can't forget about Bobby's death…If Castiel hasn't open purgatory he would probably still be here…But he also thinks if he could've understood and help his friends when he needed it none of this would've happen…
He sighs, after all nor Sam or him can give him lessons…They did the same.
Their only common point is they never did anything selfishly, it was always to do the right thing for everyone.
They paid for it the hard way, blood and tears. No need to blame anybody then…Nothing can be changed…But they can still go on together…
He looks at Castiel…He seems to be tired and far away in his thoughts…Maybe it's the aftertaste of heaven's torture …Castiel managed to escape Naomi but at what price?
He knows Cas suffers from this and it probably is very strange for him as he's not supposed to know pain but now he almost knows it too well…
Dean always notice him when he walks away and hold his head because of violent headaches forcing him to scream in pain, his nose bleeds and sometimes, when it's really bad, he cries blood tears.
So he whips his face with his hand and not quite understanding what happens to him…He so wishes he can help him on those moments…But human's medication doesn't have any effect on a tortured grace.
He just can be here for him. Watch over his friend as he did for him and his brother for all these years.
Since he last came back from Heaven, Castiel doesn't leave them anymore…Dean made him promise not to fly away, and Castiel agreed reluctantly…He just wanted to watch him, he was very worried.
He remembers the angel's words: "I'm afraid I might kill myself"…he knows Samandriel's death destroyed the last bit of strength he has. He's dying under his guilt's weight and he always thinks he's a disgusting being.
Castiel is now only living for them, to help them in their quest but he has no interest for his own existence anymore, which makes him take too many risks and Dean is often angry about it. Then Castiel would look at him with distress in his eyes, this broken blue stare.
He so wishes he could one day see another look on his face.
Maybe a happy look ?
But even the angel's rare smiles are full of sadness. It's almost like a second skin for him now.
How can he be mad about that ?
His life was only full of obedience and sacrifice, it was and it would maybe still is. It's like a fatality the angel couldn't avoid.
Dean wants to find the right words to help him...
Castiel wasn't like that when then met, he used to be proud and stubborn, devoted to the cause even if he doubted…
Dean smiles to himself…Sometimes he misses this angel.
Unfortunately, since he stood for Dean and human beings fighting with Uriel, something broke in him.
The closer he is from men, the worst it gets.
Suddenly, he blames himself…For turning this stupid TV on instead of talking to him…
He's not talented for this, especially with Castiel, right here, fascinated by this neverending documentary.
It's his friend damn it, right in front of him…Being lost in his doubts and pain…
His friend who's probably waiting the right time to say goodbye for good…
He has to say something.
« Cas ? »
« Yes, Dean ? » He says still staring at the TV.
« I don't want to lose you. » he whispered.
Castiel turns, Dean has his elbows on his knees, on the side of his bed, staring at his own hands.
« Why would you lose me, Dean ? »
« 'cause you want to die, Cas…and it kills me… »
Castiel goes back facing the TV not answering a word.
« You have nothing to blame yourself for, you know…You couldn't do anything about that…about all those craps…as I couldn't do anything against Alastair….as Sam couldn't so anything about Lucifer…We're cursed, Cas, but we will stay cursed together…and we will go on together whatever happens…I won't leave you behind this time. »
« Dean… » he whispers.
« No Dean…You're my one and only friend…you're my family…I won't lose you again…and don't give me those eternal "I'll always be in your heart" craps, or I kill you myself ok? »
The angel smiles…
« I care about you, Cas…You're part of my life as Sam is…I couldn't stand losing you… »
Castiel is still staring at the TV, still smiling a little.
« We will be cursed together then…if it's God's will. »
« I don't give a shit about God's will, Cas… I really don't. »
Castiel's look is almost killing him now.
« Your father left us a long time ago…leaving us with a ton of shits to deal with…But you know what, Cas ?… I don't care…As long as Sam and you are here, I don't give a damn about everything else. »
Castiel smiles again…
« And it never occurred to you this is God's will ? »
« What ? To deal with all those craps every single day ? »
« Dean… » Castiel begged.
« Sorry. » Dean answers, putting his head in his hands, and playing nervously with his fingers.
« I meant it could be his will : a hunter, a Man Of Letters and an angel share the same fate»
« Good for you if you believe this…I'd rather believe all those trials made us who we are now…I don't believe in destiny, I believe in free will…And everything you lived, Cas…and what you're still living now…what Sam and I live…this is our strength…this makes us who we are. »
« Team free will » Castiel smiles looking at him.
« No, Cas… Family… Our family…My family…» he corrected staring at him.
He sees emotion in the angel's eyes…his smile freezes, touched by his friend's words.
They sound so much better than what Dean said a few years ago.
There is nothing but him now, no need to worry about what he could do or be…
Dean smiled when he said that to him, this special and full of sense smile he has.
« Good. » He said with his voice full of emotion.
« You're going to live, Cas ? » Dean asked softly.
« Yes, Dean…I'll live…I'll live as long as I'm part of your family… »
« Your family, Cas. »
« Yes, Dean….My family. »
And for the first time, Dean sees happiness in the angel's eyes. He goes on watching TV without quitting that big smile.
This show isn't so bad after all…
The hole in ozone's layer, maybe a new challenge…Maybe something else to close.
That makes him laugh and he stands up.
He goes to the fridge and takes a bier… He lays on the wall and observe him. His angel.
« You know what, Cas ? »
« What, Dean ? » he answered looking at him.
« It's been a while but, all of a sudden, I'm fucking happy ! »
Castiel smiles.
« Me too, Dean…Fucking happy. »
The End.