Mother's Diaries

Part II

The Aftermath

By Jasmin Kaiba

Annie stared at the words her mother had written a long time ago and didn't know if she was happy because she guessed right or devastated that her brother had been dead all along just like she'd thought he did. It tore at her heart, the pain her parents have gone through, mostly her mother, but it still hurt the most that they didn't tell her the truth. If only she could remember the reason she'd stayed with Grandma Shira that night, she'd probably know why Nicky had been to Stars Hollow in the first place. And then she could remember that morning when Mommy had packed her and Nicky's things, they were supposed to go to Grandma Shira, then Nana had called Mommy wanting Nicky to stay with them, Jamie was cranky and bored and Mommy had said yes, Grandpa Luke came for Nicky and Grandpa Mitch for her. Had it not been for her Uncle Jamie who had been a really spoiled kid, Nicky would have gone together with her and had been safe. Annie suddenly wanted to cry and scream and throttle Uncle Jamie, it had been his entire fault. Nana and Nick were both dead and Jamie was at fault, she really wanted to hate him.

Taking a few calming breaths, she turned the page in Mommy's diary and resumed reading.

August 15, 2011

Today I buried my mother and my son. I can't imagine that anyone knows what that feels like. I can't listen anymore to all those people offering condolences, saying how sorry they were or that they knew what I must be going through. They have no idea! How can they ever know what I'm going through?! I lost two of my most important people in a heartbeat and they want to know what that feels like?! I'd like them to know what it feels like, to see their faces when they realize that they lost both their mother and their child and that they might as well lose their life as well!

I can't do this anymore; I can't cope up with this terrible ache and emptiness in my heart any longer. I can't look at Logan, not my Grandma, not anyone, Heaven I can't even look at my own daughter! What kind of mother am I? What kind of wife, daughter and grandchild? But they don't understand! They'll never understand! Nobody loved Nicky and Mom as much as I did, nobody ever could! I want them back, I just want them back! I want that when I wake up and go to see after Nicky and Annie that he'd lay in his bed and stare up at me with sleepy eyes and a dreamy smile, I want to that when I pick up my phone I hear Mom shout, 'Fruit of my loins!' I want to hold my son when he had a nightmare and tuck him in his bed and kiss him good night. I want my Mom to hug me and tell that it's going to be okay when I feel down, I want her to call me at 4:03 in the morning on my birthday just so she can tell me the story of my birth, with me interrupting after every two words. I want everything to like it used to be!

Is it bad from me to wish that Logan would leave me alone? Is it bad to wish to bear with this pain on my own? Can I bear with this all alone? But even if I can't I'm pushing them away, I'm pushing him away and hurting him, but I can't bring myself to see the pain I'm inflicting upon him. I'm selfish, I'm terrible and the worst part is that I don't care, not in the least. This is my pain and nobody can take mourning my beloved mother and son away from me.

I hate myself, I hate myself for being like this, but I can't do anything else, I don't want to do anything else. I want the whole world to disappear, even Logan. I can't stand to look at him, I can't! I'm not sure I can love him after all this....

Oh dear God, tell me what to do, tell me am I losing my mind?

Annie was scared, never had she been able to picture her mother with those kinds of thoughts. The first two weeks after Nicky's death she'd spent with Aunty Honor and Grandma Shira, she hadn't seen her Mommy in that state of grief and frankly she was thankful for that. But how had Mommy gotten over that pain? There had always been a part in Annie's life she simply couldn't remember. It was a year between Nicky's death and when they'd moved to New York City. She never could remember what happened during that time. But she was smart enough to guess that she'd pushed the happenings of that time out of her head. Daddy had called that self-preservation instincts, when a person deliberately forgets a really bad period in life and plus she'd read a book where a girl had forgotten a summer because she'd been raped and had a person from that time-period not come she would have never remembered it.

Now Annie wondered what could have happened in that year that she simply refused to remember. Was it so horrible? What had she witnessed to wish for it to have never happened?

AN: And this is the second part. Thank you for your reviews, ten was the number I wanted, this time it's two more, so leave twelve reviews in order to read part three. Thanks again,

Jas