Title: Beneath your beauty.
Summary: Phil is undeniably, incurably, unattainably, in love with Steve. Steve really just isn't that into him, yet.
Rating: M
Characters: Steve, Phil.
Pairings: Capsicoul: Phil/Steve
Slight Pairings: None to think of.
Genre: Angst. Romance, humor.
Warnings: Sad Shit – Sexual content.
Angst. Romance. Pheel's. First Times. Secret Crush. Rejection. Homophobia. Sexual Discovery. Fear of dying. Fear of losing Phil. Fear of being alone. Misunderstandings.
A/N: This became completely different from what I was going for. Its hard to explain I guess we could use it as a way to show the dark side of these two characters that typically gets thrown aside for fluff stories. (by people like be by the way) and I guess I threw a LOT of my own personal battles and fears in there too. I guess you could say I'm both of these characters in one…. Weird. Try to enjoy!
O
If you had sat Phil down and asked him how often he thought about Steve, he really couldn't tell you.
That's a lie, he could tell you, if he were honest he thought about Steve every second of every single day.
His infatuation with Captain America had morphed into a crush on Steve ages ago, not soon after that Phil had fallen in love with him completely, undeniably, incurably, unattainably, in love.
Phil could recount the times he had learned to love Steve like it happened just yesterday.
It started with small gestures anyone could confuse as simple kindness.
Steve would sometimes bring him coffee in the morning, though Phil had interns to do that for him.
A few times Steve had held the door open for him, pat him on the back and numerous other small gestures.
Then there were the times they weren't so small, like the day Steve made it a point to tell him how much he looked up to the Agent.
Phil had been falling from the sky one day on a mission when Steve caught him before he hit the ground bridal style, Phil had looked up into his eyes and Steve had smiled right back.
Neither said anything but the moment had said enough.
It was the gentleness of the super soldier's touch and the kind way Steve set him down with lingering hands on his elbows.
It had been that moment when Phil realized how deep into love he had fallen.
Phil spent the rest of his days wondering if by some chance Steve had felt the same.
He knew it was foolish to keep wondering about it but he simply had to know, every moment of his day was becoming swallowed up in thoughts and imaginings of Steve.
Thoughts that until now had been about Captain America.
Everyone seemed to notice, everyone but Steve to Phil's utter annoyance.
Phil started wearing colored ties to work and fixing his hair differently, sometimes he spent a little extra time in the gym to try and earn Steve's attention.
Phil wasn't the type of person that could share his feelings easily, that's why he is still single to this day.
Phil decided one day that Steve was worth it and he would buck up and finally tell him how he feels.
Somewhere in the pit of his stomach beneath the butterflies he had a sense of calm that Steve wouldn't reject him, he felt deep down he shouldn't be worried, he felt that Steve would love him back.
One night after the weekly dinner at Avengers Tower, Phil and Steve had been left alone in the living room, Phil was finishing off his last glass of wine and was glad for its nerve calming affect.
Steve was simply sitting by himself on one of the chairs with his sketchpad in his lap, he was hesitating for some reason.
He hadn't opened it up but had a pencil in one hand, Phil noticed him look up and Phil smiled down at him, Steve smiled right back.
"Um.. Steve I have something I'd like to say, if you're not busy?" Phil asked and was grateful that Steve smiled and nodded as he sat his sketchpad on the table next to him.
"Sure Phil, what is it?" Steve asked and Phil took in a deep breath before letting it out, he thought perhaps this was wildly crazy and stupid but that's what love is isn't it?
Love is the most vile, discriminating and wonderful feeling in the world.
It makes those who are weak, strong.
Those who are strong. weak.
The brilliant into bumbling idiots.
It brings great men to their knees.
Phil knelt down on one knee in front of him and didn't blame Steve for the look of confusion on his face.
"Steve I—I know this is unorthodox and completely out of the blue but…." Phil hesitated and valiantly ignored his heart pounding in his chest.
"Phil, I don't underst—" Phil cut him off.
"Steve, I am so in love with you. You're everything I care about, I cant sleep, I can hardly work, you're all I think about. Steve I just.." Phil stopped himself and shook his head, Steve was staring blankly down at him with his mouth hanging open, Phil's heart dropped and he wondered what was going through the young mans mind. "Steve I—"
Phil reached out and set a hand on top of Steve's that had been resting on his knee. Steve jerked back and stood abruptly, the chair he had been sitting in skid back across the floor.
He moved away from the agent still knelt on the floor, now staring up at him.
"You need to leave." Steve replied and Phil's heart dropped down into his stomach, he should've known it would end this way, why he had thought it could be any different he had no idea.
Phil stood slowly and remained looking at the ground, Steve stood silently but couldn't even look him in the eyes.
"Steve I, I'm sorry I shouldn't have…." Phil stopped himself when he realized his words were falling on deaf ears.
Steve turned around and faced the window, Phil stared at his back and miraculously kept anything else to himself.
"Please forgive me." Phil whispered back, Steve's chin dropped and he stared at the ground.
He turned and made his way silently out of the room.
After he had left Steve turned and watched the door close that he had just walked out of, he was already regretting how he had reacted but what else was he supposed to do?
Phil made his way hurriedly out of the building he didn't want to see anyone on his way out, he wasn't sure he could keep all the pain he was feeling now inside, it hurt so much.
O
The next SHIELD meeting Phil and Steve hadn't said a word to each other, it had been over a week and you would think two grown men could find a safe middle ground to work from. There was none.
The others had noticed the draft but didn't know what had caused it, Phil mostly kept to himself that day and Steve remained staring at the table for most of the meeting.
It wasn't until afterwards that Steve actually made an effort to speak to the agent, the others had cleared out and Phil was left behind as he made himself another cup of coffee.
Steve approached him from behind and buried his hands in his pockets, he cleared his throat to get his attention though Phil didn't turn around he knew he had heard him.
"Phil…" Steve said and waited until Phil turned around, still unable to look him in the eyes. "I was thinking about what you said."
"And?"
"I'm sorry I reacted like that." Steve replied and sighed heavily.
Phil turned to look up at him.
"Its alright, I was in the wrong. I shouldn't have put you in that position. It wont happen again, Captain Rogers." Phil replied and brushed passed him, Steve bristled at the name remembering they had been on a first name basis before all of this.
"Don't do that." Steve replied and turned to face Phil whom had froze on his way out.
"Its all I know to do." Phil replied quietly.
Now that Steve heard Phil say his name so formally and he thought back on the passed few months of his life, he had realized out of everyone Phil had been the one that was always there.
Steve approached him and set a hand on his shoulder, Phil tensed up and turned to look at him.
"Phil I don't want things to be like this."
"Look Captain, I don't want anything from you. You don't have to be nice to me because you're Captain America, I understand if you never want to speak to me again." Phil replied and moved out of the embrace.
"Now listen here." Steve said and stepped closer putting a firm grip on both of Phil's arms, Phil tensed but gave him a steady glare back. "I may not have reacted like I should have and I've said a lot of stupid things, but you started this and I don't deserve the silent treatment for it." Steve replied toughly and Phil tried hard to fight swooning over him when he acts so in charge.
"You're right, you don't. I don't deserve anything from you Captain, but I'd just… I'd settle for your respect." Phil replied and looked at the floor.
"Damn it, Phil," Steve replied and tipped his chin up with his fingers. "You have my respect. You've always had my respect." Steve replied and Phil noticed a new desperation in his eyes, Phil didn't quite understand what it was though.
"You don't have to say that."
"I know I don't have too, but its true," Steve replied adamantly.
"Steve-Captain, I appreciate what you're trying to do but its unnecessary—" Steve interrupted him.
"Phil when you first told me how you felt I didn't know what to think, I was afraid and shocked, I thought of what people would think and I remembered it being against the law to love another man where I'm from. But then I-I thought about what you said and no one has ever said anything to me like that before, not even Peggy. I realized through everything I have been through you're the one that was there, you're the one that has been my backbone cheering me on when everyone else saw me as senile." Steve added and his voice and stance softened a little after he was done speaking, Phil stared up at him not sure what to make of that.
"But what you said and you told me to leave." Phil replied in confusion, Steve stroked his cheek
"I know, I-I was scared…" Steve replied and wrapped the agent in his arms in. Phil smiled softly. "I was afraid of the way what you said made me feel, I hadn't thought of it before, just the way I felt all warm inside, I was afraid."
"I'm a little scared now." Phil said jokingly and smiled. "I can only imagine how you felt."
Steve smiled and loosened his grip on him, he hadn't meant to squeeze him so hard.
Steve's hand gently caressed his cheek and he smiled.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." Steve replied and Phil smiled back.
"Its okay, I didn't mean to scare you."
"I have something I'd like to show you, it might explain a few things." Steve said and Phil nodded immediately though he wasn't sure what he was about to get into.
O
They got to Avengers Tower and headed straight to Steve's part of the building, Phil followed on behind him and looked around while Steve rummaged in his desk for a few moments.
Steve game back with the same sketchpad he had on his lap the day that Phil had pronounced his love, Steve handed it to him.
"You may want to sit down." Steve said and now Phil was getting a little worried.
Phil sat down and opened the book as Steve sat next to him, the first few drawings were of the Avengers and some of the city, nothing too outrageous.
As he got further into the book he realized he had gotten drawn more and more often.
Most of them were group photo's until it got to the last few.
The first one where Phil was alone was one of him unconscious because of his injuries from Loki.
Phil paused on this picture and looked up at Steve whom he expected to be blushing but instead he saw a look of remorse and sadness on his face.
"Keep going." Steve said quietly and deeply, Phil turned back to the book.
The next sketch was a picture of Phil but he didn't look right, his eyes were dark and the entire picture was poured over with blood-red paint.
Steve's hand reached up and wrapped itself around Phil to bring him into a half embrace.
The next few pictures got darker and had more despair.
The very next one was all bright colors and sunshine, he was sitting up in the hospital bed, his eyes were opened and he was smiling, it was the day he had awoken from his coma.
Phil wasn't too surprised by these pictures because everyone deals with their own grief in different ways, it was the next few pictures after that.
They became much more personal, portraits of Phil not doing anything majestic really.
There was one of him when he had knelt down to tie his shoe, but the way the colors laid and the tones it portrayed a certain beauty, an adoration.
The next was Phil standing on the Helicarrier with his sunglasses on.
Then a few with him in different places doing different tasks.
But the last one, that was the one that struck him the hardest, Steve had drawn him down on one knee, in the dark.
Empty wine glass on the table and looking up into Steve's eyes, Phil touched the picture softly with his fingertips but his hand was caught by Steve's which held it firmly.
"It took me all that night to draw and while I was doing it I couldn't understand how I had missed the way I felt about you. I thought it was simple admiration but I learned it was more than that. There is no way I can explain to you that will make what I did any better, I just didn't understand, it took you taking that leap of faith for me to see it… I-I'm sorry."
Phil stared at the picture for a moment more before he turned to Steve whom was frowning.
Phil closed the book without looking and slowly moved in, it was a hesitant and cautious kiss and Steve trembled in his arms.
Steve pulled away and his eyes welled up as he looked into Phil's eyes, Phil smiled softly and ran his fingertips down his jaw.
"I didn't think you, I had no idea you, that you thought…" Phil stopped and smiled wider.
"You're beautiful." Steve whispered back and moved in to take Phil's mouth once again a little less softly.
Phil sighed into the kiss and parted his lips, Steve shifted on the couch and wrapped an arm around his waist his other hand trailing down his stomach.
Phil moaned quietly into the kiss.
Steve's hand trailed around him beneath his jacket and Phil arched into the touch.
He ran his tongue across the bottom row of Phil's teeth, Phil parted them and invited him in, he pushed his tongue between his teeth dominantly.
Phil's hands skittered across his chest and his heart beat loudly, Steve whined wantonly into the kiss like the starved virgin he is.
Phil's hands ran down and pulled Steve's shirt from its tucked position in his pants.
Steve gasped and pulled away at the gentle caress, Phil was everything but greedy.
"Phil." He breathed desperately against his lips. "I don't want this with anyone else but you." Steve whispered and Phil cupped his face in his hands.
"Stick with me, you wont have too." He gasped back and his eyes were filled with so much more than any fan's ever were, so much love and gentleness, Steve was sure the wells of his soul would never run out.
"Yes, please…" Steve replied and wrapped his arms so tight around Phil he was glad he could still breathe.
Phil kissed the apple of his cheek, his chin, his neck and his hands ran softly over Steve's hairless body beneath his button up shirt.
Phil went for the buttons of his shirt as he worked his neck over with his lips and teeth, Steve's head was spinning he had no idea what he had gotten himself into but he had never felt anything so magical.
"Phil.." He gasped out as his last button had come undone.
Phil pulled back and pushed the plaid fabric from his shoulders and down his masculine arms, no matter the size of his muscles Phil could see the young innocence in his eyes and wanted to make this the best experience that he can for him.
He didn't want Steve's first time to be like his had been, forced, unkind, selfish. He would do anything to make Steve feel loved above all else.
Steve licked his lips in anticipation, Phil stared into his eyes for a moment before he slowly pulled Steve's white undershirt over his head.
Steve lifted his arms without hesitation once his shirt was discarded Phil kissed him down his neck sucking lightly until be met the first nipple.
Taking it into his warm mouth Steve gasped into the air and his fingers brushed through Phil's short soft hair.
Phil gently pressed Steve onto his back where Steve fell back willingly.
"I trust you Phil… more than anyone." Steve said softly, and Phil ran his hands down his sides gently as he spun the nipple in his mouth with his tongue.
Steve groaned loudly and rolled his hips up into Phil's stomach, Steve cupped the back of Phil's head carefully and shuddered.
Phil pulled away slowly his tie and jacket feeling too hot right about now. He slid the slick fabric off his shoulders, Steve leant up and slipped the tie from Phil's neck.
Steve went for the white shirt Phil was wearing and pulled it off over his head, his eyes fell directly to the scar just above his heart followed by a gentle and meaningful touch of his fingers to the sensitive tissue.
Phil's breath hitched cause none of them aside from Nick Fury had actually seen the scar yet, Steve's eyes followed his chest up until their eyes met.
"I wish I could bare scars.." Steve said quietly and Phil shook his head immediately pressing Steve to lay on his back again. "So I will always remember.."
"Trust me, you don't." he replied quietly and cut off any questions with a kiss.
Steve's hands played circles across Phil's back softly as their tongues battled for dominance.
Steve pulled back from the kiss.
"What now?" he asked and his breathing was a little irregular.
"What do you want?" Phil asked softly one hand playing with the soft hair at the crown of his head.
"You… all of you." Steve replied wantonly rolling his hips up to emphasize his point.
How could Phil say no to that?
O
As they laid there in Steve's bed too small for two people Steve curled up into Phil's side as he played with his blonde hair.
Steve was squeezing him tightly against him around the waist his head buried in his chest to hear his heart beat.
"What are you thinking about?" Phil asked quietly, Steve turned into him and kissed him on the same scar he had been worshipping before.
"I don't want to lose you, I've lost so much…" Steve replied quietly, Phil tilted his head down and was now looking at the top of his blonde head.
"Steve, you're not going to lose me." He replied saddened by the tone in his voice and the fact that beneath all that brawn and Star-Spangled Banner, there was just this kid from Brooklyn that had lost everything and everyone that he ever loved.
"I almost lost you already." He replied and Phil moved on the bed until he could see Steve face to face.
"Steve, I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. I'll be here as long as you want me to be." Phil replied and Steve nodded and buried his face in the bend of Phil's neck knowing that even though Phil meant well, he would out live him eventually, he may even die in battle long before then and no matter what Phil says, he will always fear losing him.
"I'll always want you, Phil." Steve replied and Phil kissed him atop of his head.
This time when Steve had nightmares, Phil was there to insure him that he had not died and all was well.
Steve didn't have to fear the night anymore because he had someone you loved him more than anyone ever had, someone that had been broken over and over but still hadn't given up.
That night for the first time in many months the nightmares he had of Phil dying were replaced with warm embraces and soft kisses just reminding him that everything is all right.
The End.