Friday September 13th 2007
It was my twentieth birthday and my boyfriend, Peter, had brought me to Bella Italia to celebrate. I didn't mind so much anymore; we came here fairly regularly now, but in the beginning it had been hard not to think of him. I met Peter at a Christmas party last year and we started dating in January. He was a lot of fun and really kind; we enjoyed the same music, books and movies. But lately the conversation inevitably came back to the same topic.
"I've booked us into a hotel in Seattle for three nights the weekend after next. Consider it my birthday present to you", he smiled. "It's a really great place and I managed to get us the honeymoon suite!"
We both knew the subtext here. We had never spent the night together and, after eight months Peter was understandably getting a little frustrated with me. He had been so patient and understanding when I explained that I wasn't ready to have sex yet, but I guess his patience was running out...fast.
"That sounds...great. It'll be fun to spend some time in the city. Thank you", I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I was fairly sure that he didn't plan to spend much time sightseeing. But I couldn't keep him waiting forever...I knew that it wasn't fair on him. So its fourteen days and counting until I lose my virginity! O-kay.
After an otherwise enjoyable evening we left the restaurant and Peter took my hand as we walked down the street to our respective cars. Peter lived about twenty miles away so we generally travelled separately – him in his Honda Civic and me in my faithful old Chevy truck. Peter wanted me to trade it in for something a little more 'respectable' looking but it had never let me down yet so I was sticking with it.
"So, are you going to invite me back to –", Peter stopped speaking mid-sentence and grimaced.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Ugh...some low life is leaning against your truck", he answered in disgust. I looked ahead and my heart stuttered in my chest.
"I'll get rid of him." Peter said without conviction...he wasn't really the confrontational type.
"No, it's OK. I know him", I replied though a part of me was sure that I must be wrong...that I was finally losing my mind.
"You know him? How?"
"He's an old friend...I used to know his family back in Forks. Don't worry", I assured him. "You get going...I'll call you tomorrow."
"I'm not just gonna leave you here with some drug addict scum", Peter replied.
"He's not a drug addict, but he clearly needs some help. I'll be fine, honestly."
"I don't like this", he said but apparently was happy to be let off the hook of protecting me from the 'drug addict scum'. "You call me when you get home. OK?"
"OK Peter. There's nothing to worry about, I promise." Am I trying to convince him or myself? "Goodnight." We exchanged a chaste kiss and I watched him walk across the road and get into his car. I waved as he drove away and then turned back to face my truck. Taking a deep breath I walked slowly towards it.
The pathetic figure leaning against the door was dishevelled and dusty. He had a beanie pulled over his hair and his eyes were downcast. But there was no mistaking him. The magnetic pull I had always felt was still there.
"Edward?" I whispered as I stood before him.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. So very sorry", he sobbed without lifting his eyes from the ground. I held out a shaky hand and lifted his face so that I could see him more clearly. I gasped with shock at the sight. His eyes were blacker than I had ever seen them, the pupil and iris indistinguishable from one another; the small amount of white visible around the edges was actually yellow. The bruises beneath his eyes were dark purple and extended far down his cheeks where they faded into the grey, pallid skin that covered the rest of his face. He looked fragile and weak, a shadow of his former god-like self.
"What happened to you, Edward?" I asked in dismay.
"So sorry." He sounded like he was talking to himself and still didn't make eye contact with me.
"When did you last feed, Edward?"
"I don't remember", he replied almost inaudibly. "A few months."
"You need blood, Edward. Get in the truck and I'll take you somewhere. " I opened the door and guided him to the passenger seat. He offered no resistance. "Tell me where I can take you." No response. "Where can you feed, Edward?" I demanded as I started the engine and headed out of town.
"Please don't leave me, Bella", he begged pitifully.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you, but you need to feed...now."
"You can't stay with me while I feed", he murmured quietly.
"OK, so I'll stay close by...in the car...and wait for you. Now tell me where to go."
"Take the right turn up ahead."
"OK." I kept throwing glances at Edward. He stared out of the window or at his hands as they lay lifelessly in his lap. Why wouldn't he look at me? God, he looked awful. The minutes passed as we drove through the woods in silence.
"Turn left here and park please." Edward suddenly said. I braked sharply and did as directed. We were in a small clearing, completely surrounded by trees except for the path we had entered by.
"You promise to wait?" Edward asked.
"Of course", I replied.
"Lock the doors and stay inside. I'll be as quick as I can." He climbed sluggishly out of the truck and walked into the trees. I watched him until he was out of sight. I assumed he would be hunting deer as there wasn't likely to be anything much larger than that this close to town. Whatever his prey, his condition left me doubting that he could possibly be fast enough to succeed. I lowered my head onto the steering wheel and breathed deeply. My birthday had started out so...normally. Never in a million years would I have expected it to end like this. I had dreamed of Edward – while awake and asleep. I had imagined what he might be doing, where he might be, but I could not have envisaged him like this. It frightened me; he had always seemed so invincible, a true knight in shining armour. But now he needed me to be the strong one. And I would be that for him...I would always be whatever he needed me to be, until the day I died.
Twenty minutes passed and he had not returned. I wasn't sure how long I should wait or what I should do if he didn't come back. I had no way of getting help...the numbers I had for Alice and Carlisle had long since become unobtainable. Maybe I was having some kind of psychotic episode...maybe I had just imagined his return as I had so many times before, and I was sitting here in the woods waiting for a fantasy. I folded my arms on the wheel and laid my head against them, closing my eyes against the headache that was threatening to explode behind them. After a few moments I was startled by a tapping at the window and snapped my head back to see Edward's eyes gazing through the glass at me. It was the first time he had looked at me in two years and it made my heart thump alarmingly against my ribcage. I opened his door and he climbed in.
"You look better", I smiled. And it was true. Already the pallor was lifting from his skin and his eyes were a little less black. I reached out and ran my thumb gently across the darkness beneath his eye. Touching him again sent electricity coursing through my body. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go.
"What happened, Edward. How did you get like this?" I wanted to understand. I needed to.
"Can I stay with you tonight, Bella?" he pleaded. "Just one night....please?"
I didn't need to consider his request. I wanted him to stay with me forever. So I simply nodded, started the truck and headed back into Port Angeles to my apartment.
As I unlocked the door, I could hear the phone ringing. I ran to pick it up, watching as Edward slowly entered the apartment and closed the door quietly behind him.
"Hello?"
"Bella...thank God you're OK", Peter's frantic voice greeted me. "I told you to ring me."
"I just walked through the door, Peter. Don't worry. I told you I'd be fine", I replied.
"I was scared they were going to be dragging your body out of the river."
I heard Edward snarl. It made me smile...he must be feeling better.
"What did he want anyway?" Peter pressed.
"He needed my help." I really didn't feel like explaining anything to him. And even if I did, what could I have said? Oh, my ex-boyfriend is actually a vampire and he hasn't fed for a few months so I took him to get some blood.
"Money for drugs, I suppose", he sneered.
"I told you, he doesn't take drugs Peter. He's just having a hard time at the moment." I looked across at Edward as he stared out of the window into the night.
"So where is he now?" Peter asked.
"He's here, with me."
"You took him back to your apartment?!? Is he staying there tonight?" He sounded furious.
"He's my friend, Peter, and he has nowhere else to go."
"Yeah? Well I'm your boyfriend, Bella. Eight months we've been together and you have never once let me stay at your place!"
"Peter, it's late. Can we have this conversation tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure...you get back to your 'friend' and we will definitely talk tomorrow!" The line went dead. I sighed...I wasn't looking forward to that talk.
Turning my attention back to Edward, I assessed his appearance and decided to take him in hand.
"Why don't you have a shower while I get your clothes cleaned up?" I suggested.
"You don't have to do that", he murmured.
"I think I do, Edward. Have you seen yourself? You look like you've been in a crypt!" I laughed but the joke fell on stony ground.
"I can get some more", he said.
"Yes, but for now let me see if I can revive these ones. There's a towelling robe on the back of the bathroom door...you can wear that. Go have a shower...please? Do it for me, Edward. It might help you feel better." I gestured to the bathroom and he shambled towards it.
I picked up the pile of clothes he left outside the bathroom door. They had clearly been worn for quite some time but still smelled of Edward's delicious scent, albeit a little musty as though they had been stored in an attic or something. I threw everything into the washing machine apart from his jacket which I set about brushing down. Then I hung it on a hanger and placed it in my closet.
When Edward emerged from the bathroom, my breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. His freshly washed bronze hair flopped into his face and I longed to run my fingers through it. I allowed my eyes to roam up and down his muscled form, wrapped as it was in the fluffy white bathrobe, knowing that he was naked beneath it. He smiled timidly at me and I felt the colour rise in my cheeks. I bit my lip nervously.
"Um, make yourself comfortable while I get ready for bed", I said and made a hasty retreat to the bathroom. Closing the door I leaned back against it and waited for my heart rate to slow back down to normal. My beautiful, immortal soulmate was back and I could feel myself falling again. I had to remind myself that he left because he no longer loved me...and I had no reason to believe that anything had changed. The only thing I knew for sure was that he needed my help. Drooling over him like a lovesick teenager wasn't appropriate. I showered quickly and put on an oversized t-shirt. I took a moment to compose myself and opened the bathroom door. Edward was standing at the window again looking at the night sky as though it held the answers to all his problems.
"It's late, Edward. I'm going to bed. Will you lay with me or would you prefer to stay out here?" I didn't really know the protocol when estranged and tormented, vampire ex-boyfriends stayed the night.
He turned to look at me, his topaz orbs filled with unhappiness. "May I stay with you?"
I held out my hand in response and he glided towards me to place his cold hand in mine. I led him to my room and climbed into my double bed, allowing him to decide whether to join me under the covers or above them. He lay down next to me on top of the duvet and gazed at me sadly.
"Do you want to talk?" I asked him. His response took me by surprise.
"Will you sleep with Peter?"
"Er...well, we have been together for eight months. He has been incredibly patient. I think I owe it to him to make that commitment so...yes, I suppose I will", I babbled and cursed the blush which I knew gave away my discomfort at discussing this with Edward of all people.
"That isn't a good reason to sleep with someone, Bella", he said disapprovingly. "Especially when it's your first time."
"Maybe not, but why does it matter to you?" I couldn't keep the annoyance out of my voice. What right did he have to turn up here after two years and tell me how to live my life?
"Why does it matter to me?!?" he seemed astonished that I should ask such a thing. "Of course it matters to me that you don't do something you'll regret. You should want this, Bella...not just do it out of some misplaced obligation. It should be with someone you love unreservedly...someone who loves you more than life itself." It was the longest speech he had made since his unexpected reappearance.
"Real life isn't like that, Edward", I sighed.
"It can be", he murmured. "Do you love him?"
"Really Edward, I'm not sure that's any of your business. In fact, none of this is. So unless you want to talk about what has happened to bring you here in this appalling state, I think I'd like to go to sleep now." Maybe I was being a bit harsh but this was so not the conversation I wanted to be having with him.
"I'm sorry." He lowered his eyes from my face and stared at the pillow. "Goodnight."
"I'm sorry too", I whispered. "I'll help you in any way I can. But my life has changed a lot in the last two years. It's been tough but I think I've come through it quite well. I just can't discuss this stuff with you...it's too painful."
"I know what you mean", he said ruefully. "Sleep now, my Bella. Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight Edward. Wake me if you need to, OK?" He pulled the duvet up around my shoulders and smiled the old familiar crooked smile, and I knew I was in trouble. I hadn't missed the fact that he had called me his Bella. The firm ground that I had found for myself was crumbling beneath my feet; I knew that if I fell for Edward all over again, there would be no coming back. And deep down I knew that I was willing to take that risk...I had nothing left to lose. These thoughts swirled around my head as I drifted into a restless slumber.
We were in our meadow and Edward was happy and healthy and oh so beautiful. He gazed at me with pure devotion and leaned in to kiss me tenderly on the lips. I slid my hands around the back of his neck, entwining my fingers in his soft hair and moaned as his tongue pushed into my mouth. I felt his cool hands on my back as he drew me closer and the hard bulge of his arousal against my thigh. Our kisses became more urgent and we began to undress each other. Edward's naked body sparkled in the sunlight as he rolled onto his back and lifted me to straddle him. I adjusted my position until I could feel him pressing against my warmth then slowly lowered myself onto him. As I enveloped his cool, hard length he gently stroked my breasts. The feeling of ecstasy that filled every cell of my body was mirrored by the look in his golden eyes. I threw my head back and closed my eyelids, feeling the heat of the sun as I luxuriated in the love of my angel. "I adore you, my Bella", his velvet voice said. Bringing my face forwards again I opened my eyes to gaze upon him. But it was no longer Edward...it was Peter! I screamed..."NO!! Edward!"
I awoke with a start and opened my eyes. Where was I? What just happened? My heart was pounding. As my eyes became accustomed to the early morning light and I recognised my bedroom, I began to calm down. It had been a dream...a really vivid and terrifying dream. And then I remembered what had happened last night...Edward was back! Oh God, had I shouted in my sleep? I rolled over and the bed was empty. I sat up and looked around the room. No Edward. Panic tightened my chest. Please don't let him have gone again...I couldn't bear it. I threw the covers back and ran from the room in blind terror. He was nowhere to be seen. My eyes filled with tears as I stumbled frantically from room to room. And then just as I had given up hope I saw him...curled in a foetal position on the rug in front of the unlit fireplace. He looked so lost and broken. I fell to my knees beside him.
"Edward, you are scaring me", I cried. "Talk to me, please!"
"I'm sorry", he mumbled.
"Stop saying that!" I yelled. I lay down on the rug facing him, not knowing what to do or how to comfort him.
Suddenly Edward wrapped his arms tightly around me and pressed his head to my chest. His body started to shake with tearless sobs. I held him close and stroked his hair.
"Oh Edward, what happened?" I begged as my own tears started to overflow. "Please talk to me."
Minutes passed as I waited for him to grow calm..and prayed for him to speak.
"Nothing happened", he replied finally. "There has been nothing since I left you."
"Where are your family?" I asked.
"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to them for over a year."
"Why not?" I was stunned that he had been away from the love and protection of his parents and siblings for so long.
"I was making them miserable, so I left and told them not to look for me." I couldn't believe it had been that simple. Carlisle, Esme, Alice...all of them would have wanted to help him. They wouldn't have just deserted him.
"Where did you go?"
"Nowhere of consequence."
"Can't you call them now?"
"Nothing has changed."
"Then why are you here, Edward?"
"I couldn't stay away from you any longer, Bella." There was real pain in his voice as he admitted this failing. "I am so sorry...I broke my promise...but I had to see you."
"Why? Why did you need to see me Edward?"
"Because I'm weak, Bella." He pulled away from our embrace and rolled onto his back staring at the ceiling.
"That doesn't answer my question. Why would you need to see me? I thought I meant nothing to you...that I wasn't good enough for you."
"I'm sorry."
"I told you to stop saying that. What are you sorry for? For breaking your promise to stay away? That doesn't matter to me...I never wanted you to keep that promise anyway."
"I lied to you, Bella. The blackest, most blasphemous lies."
"Is that why you torment yourself? Because of something you said to me two years ago?"
"Two years, two decades, two centuries...it doesn't matter how much time passes" he replied ominously. "Those lies were my death sentence. Nothing matters any more...except your wellbeing. And yet here I am, threatening to undermine that again. I am contemptible." He sprang to his feet and walked back to the window. I sat up and watched him quietly for a moment.
"What did you lie to me about, Edward?" I asked presently.
He hung his head and groaned. "Everything I said to you that last day in the woods was a lie, Bella."
I sat very still as I absorbed this statement and considered its implications. He had told me he didn't want me, that I wasn't good for him, that he was tired of pretending to be human. And now I was expected to believe that none of that was true. It was difficult to get my head around.
"Why?" I whispered.
"Because I thought you would be better off without me. I was putting you in danger by keeping you in my life. I wanted you to live a normal human life."
"You left to protect me?!?" I was incredulous.
"I'm so sorry, Bella."
He left to protect me. He didn't stop loving me?? He didn't stop loving me! The penny finally dropped...Edward had suffered because he had missed me. His wretched condition was actually because of me!!
"Do you...still love me, Edward?" I asked hesitantly.
"I should go, Bella. I should never have come here." He kept his back turned to me, steadfastly staring out of the window. I stood up and walked over to him. Taking his face firmly in my hands I forced him to look at me.
"Do you love me? Just answer that question", I begged. "Because I love you and I can never love anyone else now. I want to be with you in every way...I want you to make love to me...I want to wrap my arms around you and never let you go...I want to be like you and spend eternity with you. If you love me."
I watched as a myriad of emotions passed through his eyes. Disbelief turned to bewilderment as he searched my face for any evidence that I was being untruthful. Bewilderment turned to hope and then he closed his eyes and shook his head as if to shake out such a foolish notion.
"This is madness, Bella."
"Just answer my question – yes or no? It's not difficult", I asserted.
He took a deep breath, exhaling sweet cool air against my skin. "Of course I love you, sweet Bella. I have always loved you and I will always love you. But nothing has changed. My world is still too dangerous for you." The golden depths of his eyes were full of regret.
My heart was hammering in my chest. I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him softly on the mouth. His smooth marble lips welcomed me home, tentatively at first and then with more confidence. Drawing back, I looked at the face of the man I had dreamed about ever since I had first seen him. He was regarding me with cautious eyes, clearly still uncertain about the wisdom of the course of action unfolding before him. I smiled and Edward smiled almost shyly back at me. Slowly I moved to take his hand in mine and began to lead him back to my bedroom, keeping eye contact over my shoulder as we went. He followed me willingly but his expression was guarded. As we reached the bed I turned to face him and carefully untied the belt on his robe.
"Bella –", he started to protest.
"Sshh, Edward!" I placed a finger to his lips, and then gently pushed the robe off his shoulders so that it fell silently to the floor.
A/N: I intended this to be a single chapter story. If you want me to write more....you know what to do :)