A/N The holidays will soon be upon us. This is just a little something something, that's not nothing.

Disclaimer: S. Meyer wrote Twilight and gave us oodles of material to work with.

Leah's Last Stop Revisited: Ten Years Later

I wrote a little crackfic when I first joined fanfiction many, many years ago. It was wild, crazy, and possibly the most fun I've had writing a piece of fiction in forever. For Christmas, as a gift to my friend and most loyal Leah's Last Stop reader, Anoni Ellipsi, I am writing a small story of our crazy gang from Leah's Last Stop.

If you haven't read the story, you seriously need to, and if you already have, then please enjoy a glimpse at what happens to myriad stupid people who mean well.

In this story, Leah constantly cusses, smokes pot, and has brain-damaging sex; Jacob is clueless and hot; Alice is the cutest little sex-crazed lesbian evah; so cute everyone wants to hug her; Bella is a nymphomaniac and as smart as a piece of wood, and Edward is a sociopath and questioning his sexuality. The rest of the gang are crazy mental and the wolf pack don't go through a day without smoking out a ton of pot. They are chill unless you pee on their trees.

(Still Leah's POV, even after 10 years – yeah, I'm not changing POV like-a-certain-person-who-writes-books-that-totally-change-POV-on-me-in-the-middle-of-book-four – I'm not going to change POV like THAT person.)

[Leah walks in to a script rehearsal. Jacob is seated beside her, Alice is wearing a pair of stylish tortoise shell glasses and has a cappuccino in front of her on the table, Bella is seated beside Edward and they are gazing at one another, despite her having been with Alice for 10 years. Alice doesn't seem to care. Jasper is wearing a band T-shirt with a hoodie and some flip-flops, handing a smoke to Edward. Rosalie and Emmett look like a hot couple who are part of the portmanteau, Rosmett.]

Leah: Kay, I read that I am getting a little fat? Is that right? I. Am. Not. Fat. Capisce?

Jacob: Who's Capisce?

Bella: It's a vegetable I think.

Edward: Animal

Alice: Italian

Bella: Is it an Italian animal?

Edward: What kinds of animals live in Italy?

Bella: I can Google it.

Alice: The word is Italian…. Capisce?

Bella: It is not. I'm sure it's a small country that looks like a boot.

Rosalie: I just bought a cute pair of boots in Italy over the summer.

Emmett: Oh yeah! ITALY! *fist pumps*

(Emmett and Rosalie start making out on the reading table.)

Edward: Pair of WHAT? Italian boobs?!

Bella: Italian vegetables called capisce Edward, didn't you listen?

Leah (rubbing her temples with her middle fingers on each side): Okay, I'm going to need more money if you want me on this project.

[Author: And that's pretty much how it started – over budget.]

Outside Vancouver…

(Leah's POV… again)

I'm standing outside in really fuckin bad weather. I'm waiting for a letter. My sweet little Waffles Clearwater-Black sends me a letter every day from her camp in Forks, Washington. She is learning the way of the Q. I told her she had to be at least 10 before she learned their ways. Waffles stayed with my mom and her new husband, Charlie-something-or-other. I just knew he had a stupid daughter who only seemed dumber each time I saw her, my nemesis… Bella Swan-Brandon-Cullen. I forgot to mention, she left Alice for Edward while we were reading the script.

[Author's Note: We weren't supposed to mention there was a script, Leah]

As I was saying, she hooked up with Edward and left Alice when they saw each other suddenly on a road… somewhere.

(By the way, I am 28 and even fuckin hotter than I was when I was 18.)

"I second that," yells Jacob.

That's my husband, Jake, but he's gotten a little… fatter…? It wasn't because I demanded he, and not me, get fatter for this "LLS Revisited" thing.

"Leah, where's the remote control. I think there is something on the TV that I am missing. It is not football. It is a show of drama."

Jake is speaking like a fuckin robot, but that's because he is not a good actor. I thought over getting someone else to play Jake for this version, which is much more professional than the first, which was an off-the-cuff, flying-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, low-budget kinda story. This one actually has a plot and outline.

[Authors note: She wishes.]