TRIS

I hear footsteps behind me and I turn, gun pointed and ready. I'm stunned that it's Caleb, his face almost green with fear but his gaze determined. He points a weapon back at me.

"I have to do this, Beatrice! Give me the backpack," he says in a ragged but resolute tone that reminds me of our father.

I'm shocked and touched, but equally determined.

"Caleb, no," I say gently. "There's no time...and I may be able to resist..."

"No, you can't!" he cuts me off, staring at me with a fierce intensity I've never seen in him. "It doesn't manipulate minds like the other serums! They were developed to impact very targeted sections of the brain for highly specialized purposes. This...it's just poison, pure and simple...a blunt, unsophisticated tool! It destroys all living cells that it comes into contact with, Beatrice!"

He begins to grab the backpack from me impatiently. For just a moment, my Dauntless instincts kick into high gear and I fight him. And then I begin to process what he's telling me, and stop and stare at him, wide eyed.

"I've messed up a lot of things," Caleb continues, his voice ragged and his eyes begging my understanding. "Too many. You can barely stand to look at me - I can barely stand to look at myself. I won't let you die for me, though! And trust me...you would die."

I shudder. A few moments ago, I was sure I knew the right thing to do. Now I don't. I've lost a lot of trust in my brother over the past few months, but I somehow know that he must be right about the death serum. He's spent days on end studying serums. And so I stand mutely and let my brother call the shots. After all, I don't want to die. But I don't want him to die, either.

"Why?" I sputter in frustration.

"It needs to be me," he says with total conviction, while tears are running down his cheeks. "Don't you see? I can't live like this...and this way I can die at least knowing that I finally did the right thing...for the right reasons. I love you. I haven't exactly acted like it lately, but I do. And you...have a life. I don't..."

I open my mouth to protest, but he stops me.

"You know it's true. If I die now, for this...for you...at least my life will have had some meaning."

I can't quite bring myself to nod, but I don't disagree, either. Instead, I stare at him with tears flowing down my cheeks now, too. For the first time in a long time, I understand Caleb. The values of our parents run deep in both of us.

He pulls on the clean suit and starts placing the explosives by the door to the weapons lab, just as we'd planned.

"Besides, your boyfriend would have killed me when I gave that message," he adds drily, attempting to smile slightly through his own tears.

We both know that attempt at grim humor isn't far from the truth. I can't help but feel relief that Caleb won't have to deliver my message to Tobias.

But Caleb will be dead. Despite his betrayal, his selfishness and his previous cowardice, he's still my brother. He's the only flesh and blood connection to my parents, and the safe and secure home of my childhood. And that sends painful shivers through me. Again.

Just a short time ago, that same reflection, coupled with guilt and the assertion that I could survive the death serum, led me to push Caleb aside so that I could risk my own life instead. My brother's actions now stun me, and I finally find within me the forgiveness for him that had alluded me.

"Go," he says softly, kissing me on the forehead. I can see the sweat pouring from his brow.

"I love you, Caleb. I never stopped," I whisper, my vision blurred with tears.

"I know. It woke me up," he says with a sigh, while lining up the explosives. He's no longer crying, and his expression is resolved.

I learned many excruciating lessons at Erudite headquarters; perhaps none harder than the importance of telling your loved ones how you feel while you still can.

"I forgive you, Caleb,"I say softly.

He stops in his tracks and stares glassy-eyed at me for a moment, as if to ascertain my sincerity.

"Thank you for that, Beatrice," he says tenderly, but then glances at the explosives and hardens himself for what comes next."Now, go!"

I turn and rush out of the vestibule, my stomach churning. While I expect the detonation, the sound of shattering glass and Bureau alarms still startles me, perhaps to the reality of the situation.

While I logically know I should run away quickly, I reflexively step back towards the vestibule. I need to know that he survived the blast.

He is walking over the remains of the door into the weapons lab. To my horror, I see David waiting for him, with a gun raised to Caleb's back. I can't allow David to make my brother's sacrifice a futile one. I step back into the vestibule, aim my gun at David's head and shoot. He slumps over.

As I step back out of the vestibule, I hear the death serum hissing forcefully through the vents.[Je4] That's my last memory before everything fades to black.

I'm not sure how much time has passed when I awaken to see my brother again, still in the clean suit, walking by me. He doesn't see me, and I'm too dazed to try to call to him. I'm still on the floor of a hall of some sort, but it appears that we're no longer at the compound.

Caleb seems to be entering a veil of mist. There is a bright glow beyond it, illuminating the silhouette of two figures. I wonder if this is just another serum-induced nightmare, recalling the sickly-sweet smelling blast of air that filled my nostrils just after I shot David. I get up and follow Caleb, feeling surprisingly lithe.

As I come closer, I recognize the figures as our parents, still dressed as they were when they died. They embrace Caleb with tears and soft words I can't hear.

I am too awed to speak, filled with joy to see my mother and father again. The love and warmth emanating from the secure cocoon formed by the three of them is overwhelming. I instinctively long to join them, and yet I can't walk through the translucent barrier. There is a churning in my gut. Somehow, I suddenly know, instinctively, that this is no illusion, and the mist is all that stands between my life and death.

And then they look at me through the mist. My parents' expressions are filled with both love and sorrow. Caleb's is of outright grief.

"It can't be! I died so she could live," he wails.

"Hello, Beatrice," says my mother, softly caressing my name with her voice as she wraps an arm around my brother in comfort. I long for her touch, too, but keep my distance as she leans over to Caleb, presumably to tell him how I came to be here, too.

"We're so proud of you both," she says, turning back to me with a sad smile." You've both made enormous sacrifices for each other... and for those you've left behind."

I choke out a sob, on her last words. Tobias' face swims before me. The thought that I will never again kiss him or feel his touch makes me collapse with grief, in front of the mist. My parents look equally devastated, unable to reach through the wall to give me the comfort I so desperately need. I begin to slowly rise to accept my death, and join their warm embrace.

"No, Beatrice," says my father suddenly, forcing me to raise my head in surprise and lock eyes with him. "You are still alive, but barely. If you were already dead, you would have instinctively followed your brother into the mist."

I stare at him in both relief and confusion.

"Not everyone is given a choice, but you apparently have one right now," he continues, saying each word with gravity. "If you decide that you're ready to join us...now... nothing could be simpler. You just need to step through the veil, and into our arms."

I suddenly hear a shouting and crying in the distance, growing louder by the second.

"You can choose to fight, though, Beatrice - fight to live," he continues quietly and with a sad but tender gaze. "You'll have to fight through tremendous pain, because you've had some exposure to the death serum. Even if you win, your body may never be quite the same again. You may have...limitations."

I remain on the ground, with my arms around my knees, trying to process the gravity of my father's words. I'm still only 16, and yet it seems a whole lifetime has passed since I fell into the Dauntless net, and into Tobias' strong arms. But I'm still just a child too; one who longs for my mother's embrace, my father's wisdom, and silly daily squabbles with my brother. I long for the safe, sweet haven of my family's glow.

"There's no wrong or right answer, Beatrice. It's not about being selfless, or brave, or smart," adds my mom gently, glancing at both me and Caleb with teary eyes.

We're all momentarily distracted by sounds in the distance that seem to be coming closer and louder. There are several voices, all sounding anguished. While I can't clearly distinguish them all, I'm certain that Tobias is among them.

The thought of him finding me dying is unbearable. His anxiety over my near-suicidal behavior following my parents' death almost broke us up. I only realized that I wanted to live when it seemed certain that I'd die, at Erudite headquarters. Will Tobias believe that I wasn't trying to die, now? Who will tell him, with Caleb dead?

"I know that...you'll be loved if you choose to go back," says my father, his voice rough with untypical emotion. "There's no guarantee of how long you'll have, though. There never is. It could be just minutes, or hours, or it could be decades. All I can tell you for certain is that you don't have to die right now."

Up until the past year, I took my life, my family, and all of the small comforts that were part of our Abnegation existence for granted. Everything changed on Choosing Day. Virtually every decision I've made since that day - beginning with my selection of Dauntless - has been a great risk.

I'm so weary of fighting, though; wearier than anyone alive for just 16 years should be. Over the past year I've been shot, beaten, drugged, nearly raped and nearly drowned. Part of me wants to give into that fatigue, and escape to the love and security waiting for me, across the mist.

But I've also fallen deeply in love, and I've made true friends. And for the first time in my life, I've felt strong and truly alive. I'm no longer just a Stiff, or Natalie and Andrew's daughter, or a small, meek girl who could pass for a 12 year old. Even my identity as Tobias' girlfriend is just a part of who I am now: someone who is confident enough about myself to deal with whatever life throws my way.

If all went as hoped today, we've hopefully made a positive difference in our world. There will still be plenty of work to do, regardless. I don't know exactly what I can do - I can't even begin to imagine jobs in a society without factions. I think I could do something of value, though.

But if I choose to live, my body may not be the same, my father said. That could just mean that I'll no longer be able to jump on and off trains...or it mean that I'll be relegated to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I know that Tobias and my friends would never abandon me, but would I really be a burden to them? Zeke doesn't seem to see Shauna that way. Tobias would likely insist on caring for me no matter what, but would he begin to resent that choice someday, if it meant never being able to move from Chicago, or having children?

I know that he would grieve deeply for me, if I were to die now. Would he eventually heal though, and possibly have a better life without me in it? I know that he would be furious at me for even thinking such a thought.

My mother gives me a knowing glance. She's always been able to figure out my thoughts, sometimes before I've even unraveled them.

"We taught you a lot about the great beauty and purpose that comes with self-sacrifice, Beatrice. There are things well worth dying for," she says slowly, her eyes locked with mine. "But there's also so much to live for. There is incredible beauty in human life, and not just through selflessness. Love, friendship...the simple joys like laughter or enjoying a good meal...are all gifts meant to be savored. Beatrice. Part of me...rejoiced when you chose Dauntless, because I knew you'd have more opportunities to experience all life has to offer."

She turns to look meaningfully at my father, who had not reacted similarly to my rejection of Abnegation. His hurt expression as I left the podium is indelibly etched in my mind. But now he turns to me with a small smile, and understanding in his eyes. That look means the world to me.

"Life is a blessing, Beatrice," he says, simply. "You've yet to experience much of it."

I look at Caleb with a stab of guilt.

"It's okay, Beatrice," he says, with a gentle smile that seems world away from his tortured expression just a short time ago and, before his death. "I feel...peaceful, now. At peace with myself. I couldn't have had what you have with Tobias, or even friendships like yours... the way that I was... after what I'd done. I was too ashamed. This was the only way. It was...redemption."

I try to smile back at him through my tears, feeling a mixture of awe at his transformation, gratitude for his acceptance and grief for all that he'll never have a chance to know. We're all silent again, as a voice in the background become gut-wrenching.

It's Tobias sobbing softly, just as he did after he almost killed m in a serum-induced state that made him believe I was his enemy. Somehow I reached through his drug-infected mind and finally got him to recognize me, though, by refusing to kill him when I could have. His horror at what he'd almost done brought him to tears. But this is even worse. Dauntless re-named him Four because having just four fears made him legendary. One of those terrors is watching me die, and now he's living it.

I can make it stop. If I can win this fight, I can show him that I choose life. I choose him. Maybe we can start new lives together - something we hadn't even dared to dream before this morning. My body may have new limitations, but there's no telling what they might be. Or how, or even if, they might affect us. Isn't the promise of what we could be worth the risk?

And I see him in mind's eye as he was this morning - dreamy-eyed and smiling - as we woke up next to each other, feeling like it was exactly where we both belonged.

"I need to go back," I say out loud, almost before I even think it.

All three of them smile at me with the unconditional love and encouragement that I've taken for granted for so much of life. I'm now painfully aware of Tobias' abused and fractured childhood, and of the broken pieces it's left inside of him. I want to share with him the same unselfish love that I was blessed to receive, and witnessed between my parents.

When I grieved for them, and for the brother I thought I'd lost forever, he told me that he'd be my family. He held me when I needed to be held, and pushed me when I had to be pushed. Without him, I couldn't have survived my imprisonment and near-execution at Erudite headquarters. Without him, I'd likely still be a frail Stiff struggling to become something more.

Teenage boys aren't usually known for their sensitivity. To all but me, Tobias is no different. But within the short span of our relationship, he's become everything to me: my demanding teacher, my dearest friend and my warm and passionate lover. And now it's time for me to choose him over all else, as no one has ever done for him before.

I turn to look at each of my family members slowly, to memorize each of their faces. God willing, I will see those beloved faces again, but not too soon.

Then I realize that I don't know how to get back to my human life. Without a word, my mother understands my perplexed expression.

"Just close your eyes and focus on Tobias' voice, Beatrice," she says gently. "Let your love for him, and for your friends, keep you grounded in that world. Be brave."

Those prophetic words are with me, blurred with Tobias' sobs, as my consciousness slides back into my human form. The sudden transition is excruciating; I have been badly injured before, all over my body. This is worse. It's like I'm violently on fire from the inside out with the flames attempting to lick through every inch of my skin. For the briefest of moments I begin to regret my decision, and long to return to the painless sanctuary of the next world.

Then I heed my mother's words and listen to Tobias' anguished voice:

"She's burning up! Do something for her...anything!"

I hear someone's steps coming closer.

"Four...I know...I don't want her to suffer either," says Cara, clearly out of breath and panicked, but trying to stay calm. "There's no research on anyone ever surviving the death serum, though. No one has ever gotten indirect exposure, like this. We just don't know...but the fever may be her body's best natural means for getting rid of the the serum."

They are both silent for a moment. I then feel Tobias' hand holding mine. It sounds like Cara leaves the room - maybe to see Uriah? Do they think that I may be brain-dead, like him?

"Stay with me Tris! Don't you leave me," he pleads in a raw whisper.

I want to open my eyes. I want to squeeze his hand. I'm desperate to do something, anything, to show him that I'm still here. But there is an intense, unbearable pressure encasing every part of my body like cement, making me unable to draw together the energy for even the slightest movement. I'm literally entombed in pain. Only a small part of my mind remains free and able to rebel against the darkness.

I force myself to think of my mother's final advice: Listen to Tobias. Focus on his voice.

I do that. I remind myself of all of the times in my life that I've proved myself stronger than anyone thought I could be, except maybe Tobias. Somehow, he's always believed in me, even when I barely believed in myself.

I focus on the feel of his rough fingers, curled around mine. I channel every ounce of energy I can muster to my weak, useless digits, willing them to bend in slightly, just enough to show him I'm here.

"Tris?! Cara! She just squeezed my hand!"

I hear another set of footsteps that sound heavier than Cara's Another hand takes my free hand, and feels my pulse.

"It's possible," says an unfamiliar older male voice, "But I must warn you that patients like this often have involuntary reactions."

Anger and frustration seem to incite a momentary release of adrenalin throughout me. My eyes fly open, capturing Tobias' direct gaze, just inches from mine. I drink in his beautiful dark blue eyes, which are filled with desperation. I need to give him hope. He needs to know that I haven't given up. Won't give up.

"Fighting," I croak out in a ragged whisper, with every syllable costing me in pain, as I struggle to keep my eyes locked with Tobias as long as possible. He leans down to kiss my hand, glowing with relief, love..and pride.

"I'll fight for you. You need to rest," he whispers gently, and then kisses my forehead, looking lighter and younger than a moment earlier. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."

And my eyelids shut again, as if weights have forced them down. Calmness floods over me in waves, knowing I've gotten my message across to Tobias, and that he's her next to me. I feel myself collapsing back into darkness, but not before I hear Tobias address the stranger - probably a hospital worker - with a bit of smugness.

"Still think that was an involuntary reaction?"

I don't hear his response before I drift off.