Alec was lying on his bed at the Institute… doing nothing. He was just staring with big, dark blue eyes at the swirls of plaster on the ceiling. He felt as if his life had suddenly become surreal… He had come so close to losing Magnus, so close to that wound, that battle snatching him away… Only to be lulled into a false sense of security that Magnus was fine and everything would be alright… And then… He couldn't bear to think about it.
And what was more… He couldn't even get his revenge on Camille. That stupid little vampire had beaten him to it. He couldn't stand to be anywhere but here in his room, because if he was out of his room, he was seeing his mother and father, Jace and Clary, or hell, even Simon and Isabel. Everyone was a happy couple but him.
And to be honest, Alec couldn't even stand being in his room, all alone. He couldn't stand doing anything. He felt angry and betrayed.
And if he didn't feel angry or betrayed, he felt sorrowful… or plain empty. He sighed and swung his legs off of the bed and closed his eyes, blinking hot and salty water out of them. He brushed the couple of tears away and looked out the window. Rain, he thought, looking out at the dreary gray of New York under clouds. Water droplets had spattered his window, and he wasn't sure how he had missed the sound of it. Just what I need.
He grabbed a dark sweatshirt from his chair and pushed his arms through the sleeves, flicking the hood up. He slid his feet into shoes and walked out, not sure where he was going, but he needed to go someplace.
He grabbed a couple seraph blades as he was walking out the door, and he stuck them on his belt. After he passed the kitchen, he heard footsteps following him. They continued following him for a stretch of hallway, and he determined that they were indeed following him, and not heading someplace else. He spun on sneakered heels and opened his mouth angrily. "What?!" He asked, and then saw who it was. "Um… Sorry for shouting Dad." He said awkwardly. "I'm going out." He added, his voice cold. He was unable to forget the words his father had spoken. They echoed in his mind. 'What turned you gay?' His fists clenched and he turned back around, not giving his father any time to say anything.
But a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He gave the hand a glance, but said nothing; instead he let his father do the talking. "Son… It was for the best." Alec's eyes narrowed, anger unfurling inside of him. He took a shuddering breath as one of his fists twitched. "And why is that?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice steady. "You can find a girl and settle down in the future. That warlock won't be holding you back from a normal life."
At that Alec snapped. He began to shake with rage, but before his father could even comprehend that, Alec had grabbed the wrist of the hand on his shoulder and twisted back around. The expression on his father's face was shocked, but he didn't seem to register the pain from the twist Alec had given his wrist. "This is me, Dad. I'm gay, and nothing will change that. Do you think if I could help it I would choose to be gay? And earn the disrespect of the entire Clave for it? Do you think I'm some kid crying out for attention?" He asked darkly. Then he dropped his father's hand and turned, not waiting to see his reaction, not waiting for anything.
Soon he was out the front door and into the rain. He bowed his head down, still shaking. Water hit his sweatshirt, but it had not yet sunk through. He didn't have anywhere to go, anywhere he wanted to go. He wasn't hungry, or he'd go to Taki's… But going there for no reason just meant he might run into someone that he knew.
Finally, after thinking of nothing but his pounding heart beat and the pitter-patter of the rain on the pavement, he had calmed down enough that his shaking was no longer due to anger, but cold. He wiped under his eyes again, realizing that there was water there, before looking up.
He then realized something else, and that was where his feet had been taking him. Someplace that screamed comfort… In the past, that is. He thought and then sighed and stared at the door to Magnus's building. He let his eyes travel upward, looking at Magnus's window. He wondered what his former lover was doing in there… Or if he was even there, the lights were off.
He swallowed and looked back down as he felt a pang of horror. His hand had been fishing in his pocket for a key he no longer had, and it had startled him that he didn't. It was with another gut-wrenching and heart-twisting pang that he turned away. He wondered if Magnus was looking out his window, if he had seen him… He wondered how Magnus would feel if that were the case.
But as he walked down the alley next to Magnus's house, intending fully to stop and lean against the wall and take some deep breaths in the somewhat rain sheltered area between two buildings, that this was not the case. Not that he knew that at first… He heard an odd sound, a low but somehow high-pitched noise. It was guttural. He saw an odd shadow, but some trashcans blocked his view of the creature itself. It seemed to have a tail and two heads. He drew one of his blades and whispered its name. The blade grew and glowed angelically. He crept down the alley, weary of this creature but at the same time, eager to fight and let out some of his bottled-up anger.
But as he came closer, the creature loomed into sight. In fact, it was two creatures. Two warlocks, to be specific. They were making out. His eyes darkened and he lowered his blade. He just stood there for a moment, about to begin backing away.
But then the guy looked up at him and Alec's eyes grew wider, recognizing the warlock's eyes first. They were green cat's eyes. He almost dropped his blade in shock.
But then the shock was gone, replaced by anger. His eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on his blade. He wanted to swing it at Magnus and this warlock girl.
And that was why he turned and ran as fast as he could out of the alley. He ran down the street for a good distance, not looking back at any point. Then he turned and ran down another alley.
Out of breath and upset, he collapsed against the wall. He was shaking so hard he couldn't manage to even whisper the name of his blade to have it retract. No, he wasn't just shaking. He was sobbing. He hated to admit it. His hood had fallen back and his face was streaked with rain, but also tears, hot against his cold skin.
He knew he had to calm down. He knew he had to. But he couldn't, and he wasn't quite sure that he wanted to. His fingers slipped from his seraph blade and the angelic metal clattered to the ground. He didn't bother to pick it up.
Alec heard footsteps on the pavement, coming toward him. He didn't do anything except turn his face away and cover it with the crook of his elbow. What else would he do? What else could he do?
"Alec," The familiar voice spoke. Alec's responding, "Get away from me," was halfhearted and muffled almost beyond recognition by his wet sleeve. "You know you don't want that…" Magnus told Alec, his fingers gently touching Alec's face. Alec could hear his frown as he spoke, "You're cold." Alec flinched as if Magnus had hit him. "Have you noticed the weather?" Alec asked, lifting his face from his elbow a little so that his words were understandable.
Magnus's fingers took advantage or Alec's lifted face. They found his chin and gently pulled it so that they were face to face. He opened his mouth, but then closed it again. Then he opened it again, probably changing his words at the sight of Alec's face. "Does seeing me with another upset you this much?" Alec tried to pull away, but Magnus's other hand had found the small of his back. Magnus pulled him closer.
Alec didn't give his question an answer besides struggling to get out of his ex's grasp, also struggling not to feel pleasure at the touch. But that didn't mean he wasn't thinking about it. He was upset about seeing Magnus with someone else, but would he have reacted like this if he had expected that? If he hadn't already been so upset by the words his father had spoken?
"Does it?" Magnus whispered in his ear. Alec gave a small shiver and tried to pull away yet again. His tears hadn't stopped. "Don't…" He protested. "Tease me." He gasped as he felt Magnus's tongue glide across the top of his ear. He felt his back arch and he let out another gasp.
"Magnus…" He smelled like sandalwood. One of Magnus's hands turned Alec's face back around, he had turned it as he had tried to escape. Their lips met and Alec could feel his will melting away. "Don't…" He mumbled in between a pair of kisses. "You said-" He began, but Magnus's lips met his again and spread them apart.
His tongue invaded Alec's mouth and Alec let out a little moan and his eyelids fluttered, an internal war taking place in the mind behind them.
He said it was over… One side said. If it was over, they shouldn't be doing this.
Maybe he misses you just as much as you miss him. Maybe he wants you back. The other side said.
But what about the girl? The first side reminded him.
Maybe it was like that time when I was 16… I got with a girl, trying to get away from Jace…
The second side was winning over at the moment. He wanted to believe that Magnus wanted him back, it was only natural. Alec was kissing Magnus back wholeheartedly by now; he'd even wrapped his arms around his neck. But it was the first side's turn to take its place in the mental debate when Magnus's fingers undid his fly. Alec pulled away from the kiss, but didn't remove his arms. "Don't…" He protested, but then Magnus's fingers wiggled further, to the opening in his boxers…
"DON'T FUCK AROUND HERE, MAGNUS!" He shouted, fresh tears spilling from his eyes. He couldn't bear it if they… Did unspeakable things and it had all just been a game, orchestrated by the warlock.
"Shhh," Magnus soothed. "I love you, Alec Lightwood." And despite everything else, this was what allowed Alec's lips to meet Magnus's again, those three words. "Nn…" Alec let out the pleasurable sound.
"Magnus-" He began, but was cut off by the lips of the one he spoke to. He let out a little moan, clearly distracted. "At least-" He managed to get out as they both surfaced for air. "Not..." Magnus had moved to his neck, and Alec drew in a sharp breath and fought to maintain thought.
"Not here, Magnus… It's raining… And cold…" He said and Magnus evidently agreed, because suddenly he lifted Alec and brought their mouths back together, walking toward to end of the alley.
When they were beside the street, Magnus set him down and Alec gave him a little kiss before sliding his arms away and grabbing onto Magnus's hand in his. He hadn't run as far as he'd thought, but they both ran the distance through the rain back to Magnus's building.
Once they were inside, they continued running up to Magnus's place. Once there, they quickly stripped and invaded the bed, which got an angry hiss from the Chairman (who had once again been hiding beneath the blankets).
A while after, they were both asleep, Alec curled in Magnus's arms as if their relationship had never had any break. Chairman Meow watched them both from the bedside table, probably angry that Alec had taken his spot to sleep.
In the morning, when Alec woke, he kept his eyes closed. What a wonderful dream he'd had... If only it were real... He didn't open his eyes, relishing the touch of... Wait. The touch... A warm arm rested on him, a hand directly above his, as if it he had been holding it. He didn't even need to open his eyes to know that that had not been a dream, and that he was not in his bed at the Institute. He could feel the slow steady heartbeat of the one sleeping next to him.
He opened his eyes to see Chairman Meow a few inches away from his face. He reached out and stroked the cat's head from a moment before scratching his ears. "The Chairman likes you," Stated a voice from behind his him. "He likes anyone who scratches behind his ears." Alec replied, turning over to face Magnus. He was eye level with his lover's collarbone, and he brought his head in closer, pressing his lips gently to Magnus's chest. Then he closed his eyes and rested his forehead there.
"Still sleepy, Alec darling?" Magnus asked. Alec could feel his fingers gently stroking his hair. He gave a little huff of laughter, barely audible. But he shivered at Magnus's touch. "Cold?" Magnus asked next.
Alec gave a tiny shake of his head, his hair brushing against Magnus's chest. A small smile was on his face now. "I love you." He told Magnus.
Suddenly Magnus's chest was moving away from him. He looked up, and Magnus had moved himself into a sitting position. He reached across Alec and scooped up his cat. Alec looked at his face, which was determinedly focused on his cat. Alec felt a pang of fear for a moment, what was he thinking? But he waved his uncertainty away. "Uhn..." He gave a little groan as he pushed himself up. He held himself up by his arms for a moment, considering just laying back down. Getting up meant that he had to move and think. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he'd have to. He turned over into a sitting position.
He put a hand up to the side of his head, his fingers underneath his hair. He rubbed his eye a little like this. "What time is it?" He wondered aloud, drawing his hand away. He looked around for a clock.
"Almost eleven," Magnus told him. "Are you sure that you aren't still tired?" He proceeded to ask. "You aren't usually this groggy in the morning." Alec grunted. His eyes had found the clock, and sure enough, it was about ten to eleven. "My mom is going to think a demon ate me or something." He said with a sigh.
He looked over at Magnus. He wanted to just lean against him and go back to sleep, but... He needed to at least text Izzy. He pushed himself off of the bed with another small "uhn" of a groan. He sunk to the floor and pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket. He plopped back down on the bed, upsetting the Chairman. He streaked off of the bed and the under the dresser.
Alec opened his phone, about to open a new message. Then he figured it would be easier to just call her. He dialed her number. She picked up on the second ring. "Alec! Where are you?" Her voice said from the phone. "Whoa, calm down." He told her. "I spent the night at a friend's place, I'm fine." He told her. "Where...? With who...?" She asked. He shut the phone, not wanting to answer that.
He swung his legs back onto the bed and scooted closer to Magnus. He put his arms carefully around his neck. "I missed you." He said, not looking at Magnus's face. He let his head rest under his lover's chin.
"A lot." He added, and kissed his collarbone.
Magnus's hands turned Alec's face upward, and before Alec really knew what was happening, he was being kissed by Magnus. It was a sweet kiss, and Alec wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
"Are you sure that you're not tired?" Magnus asked him, not letting go of his face, but brushing his thumbs over his cheekbones. "You seem exhausted." He added. Alec sighed, his eyelids were, in fact, heavy and sliding down. "I haven't been able to sleep." He admitted.
Magnus took his hands away from Alec's face, and Alec slumped down.
Then he looked up at Magnus. The expression on his face surprised Alec. It was like he was just really looking at Alec... and it kind of creeped Alec out.
"Can I use your shower?" He asked. Magnus seemed to snap out of it. "Sure," He replied. "Just save some hot water for me." He said. Alec nodded and stood, walking over to the bathroom.
When he got in there, he turned on the water and went to stand in front of the mirror. What was it that Magnus had been looking at? He had lost weight, his hipbones were more pronounced, and the center ribs a few bones below his sternum could be seen where they stuck out more than the others... And he was paler. He had purple smudges of shadow beneath his eyes, which seemed to always be heavily-lidded.
He turned away from the mirror, feeling a little light-headed about what it had shown him. He then clambered into the shower, where he saw the sandalwood scented soap that they had bought together. He sank into its scent as he showered.
When he was done, he wrapped himself in one of Magnus's fluffy towels and walked back into the bedroom. He realized he didn't have any clothes to change into. Oh well, He thought. I'll just have to wear my clothes from yesterday. He walked over to them and pulled on his underwear. He picked up his jeans, to discover that they were still damp from the rain.
He pulled them on anyways, but when he picked up his shirt, which had been lying under his even wetter sweatshirt, it was soaked through. He frowned and dropped it. He'd have to borrow something from Magnus.
He looked around the room, realizing that Magnus wasn't there. He wandered into the hallway, and peeked into the living room. He wasn't there either. Alec stood there for a moment, his scars showing on his bare chest. He lifted an arm and scratched the back of his head, then let it drop back down to his side. "Hm." He made the sound before walking back to Magnus's bedroom. He opened the dresser drawer, and gently picked through the clothes, looking for something that was at least somewhat normal.
Suddenly, he saw to the left of his fingers, a dark sweater. He picked it up and lifted it to his face. It smelled like sandalwood and Magnus and… himself. Definitely not like laundry detergent. He pulled it away from his face and fingered the tag. He remembered packing this… He felt his heart twist a little.
Then, right after it twisted it jolted at the sound of a voice behind him. He jumped and turned around, holding the shirt and looking a little guilty. "What are you doing in my dresser?" Magnus asked. "I-" Alec hesitated. "I was looking for a shirt. Mine's wet." He said and pointed to it with a free hand. Magnus looked down at it, then back at the sweater in Alec's hand. Alec held it up a little higher. "Then I found this. Sorry, I must've left it here…" He said, looking at Magnus out of the corner of his eye, seeing if he would contradict that.
Magnus had his mouth slightly open, but then he closed it. "Probably," He agreed. Alec pulled it over his head. "You were in there for a while. I take it there's not any hot water left?" Alec looked up at Magnus and blinked. "I dunno…" He mumbled. He was feeling anxious. He shifted on bare feet, a little uncomfortable. "Is it still raining?" He asked.
Magnus nodded his head, and Alec plucked his phone up off of the bed. Six new messages, all of them from Izzy. He sighed. "You should get going," Magnus said and Alec looked up, his heart giving an odd throb.
"Ah… O-okay." He said and turned around, trying to hide the fact that he was scared, scared of what Magnus meant by those four words. "Do you… wa… want m…" He said, and changed paths halfway through. "To do something tomorrow? When can I come back?" He asked spinning back to face Magnus, his heart pounding like it did in battle, but there was none of the high- just a dizzy, dreary feeling.
Magnus was looking at him strangely, but then his expression became cold. "Last night doesn't change anything, Alexander." He said. Alec's hands twitched, reaching for something. But there was nothing, no one there to hold him steady. He attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. He opened his mouth, but what could he say?
"What-whatever works." He struggled to get the words out, even at a whisper. His eyes burned as his voice cracked. The spinning had stopped, he had hit the ground. He felt like shit.
And that pissed him off. Why should he be feeling this way? He was at the door, but he couldn't bring himself to open it. He spun back around, to see Magnus, who had evidently been following him. "You don't get it do you?!" He shouted the question. "You, you can just move on and find someone else! But it's not like that for me, for any Shadowhunter! People give me shit for being gay, and I just have to take it because there's nothing I can do about it! No one would know if it weren't for you, because I came out for you! That was the biggest and hardest decision I ever made, but does it make any difference to you?!" He shouted. Magnus had yet to respond, but he looked shocked, his cat's eyes were wide.
"And on top of that, I can't go with some normal mundane because I can't tell them what I am! Most Downworlders hate my guts for what I am, and no Shadowhunter would go with me! Even if they were gay themselves, everyone knows I'm gay, and most don't risk coming out!" He continued, his chest rising and falling quickly. "I don't blame them either!" He said. "I wish I hadn't… I have nothing left! The Clave… They listen to my siblings more than me, even if I'm part of them and Isabel and Jace aren't! At first I thought that they didn't listen to me because I was young… But no, I'm gay so my opinions naturally don't count, they aren't rational…" His voice had gotten a little quieter, but it was slightly hysterical. "And even my own father-"
He stopped, shocked at himself. He didn't even say anything else before opening the door and storming out. He fled the building and ran down the street, not even noticing the rain dripping from the sky and putting cruel, icy claws through his sweater.
Finally he slowed and leaned over, resting his hands on his knees and panting. A sob ripped out of him, and he pulled one hand up to wipe his eyes. Another reason why I can't just move on, He thought, Is because I'm still in love with you. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He closed his eyes and then opened them, standing up.
He knew that it was impractical to walk back to the Institute, it had been impractical to walk to Magnus's in the first place, but he didn't want to get home. So he'd walk and drag out his time away from everyone. Right now, he just wanted to feel miserable without people bothering him.