Title: Looking the Other Way
Summary: It's the start of Junior year. Allison is missing, Spencer is under suspicion and Paige is desperate to get a certain letter back; even if it means turning to the last person she ever expected to go to for help.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with the Pretty Little Liars series.
A/N: I've wanted to do a McHastings fic for a while now, but I've already got too many stories on the go to justify starting any kind of new, lengthy fic; so I decided a one shot would do for now...though it turned in to a pretty long one shot.
The air outside is hot and stiflingly humid despite the early hour. It's the end of August and the summer is coming to an end; but the dying season is still holding on, bathing the town of Rosewood in a sweltering, unavoidable heat. It's barely dawn, yet Paige McCullers can already feel beads of sweat running down her back as she cycles down Bridgewater Terrace. Usually she would avoid the street altogether, along with the girls who live on, but she figures it's early enough for her to go down it without arousing any unwanted attention.
The new school year is only a few days away from starting and Paige wants to be in top condition for her sophomore year. She's returning to field hockey, and hoping to make anchor on the Junior Varsity swim team, after spending most of her summer training long and hard, pushing her body as far as it will go. Paige is sixteen in the fall and she's finally starting to shift some of her puppy fat, replacing it with lean muscle that will give her a welcome advantage in the pool.
She has her whole day planned out, starting with her morning bike ride, but her plans quickly fall apart as she comes to an abrupt stop on the corner of Bridgewater Terrace. There are police cars blocking the street and an ambulance parked outside the Hastings house. Despite it barely being first light, the whole street is teeming with people.
There are curious neighbours standing on their lawns in their nightgowns and uniformed cops combing the area. Paige spots a familiar face among the crowd of onlookers. She hops off her bike and pushes it over towards Mona Vanderwaal. The other girl is curiously off to the side, standing away from the other clusters of people on the street.
The tiny girl is almost invisible, standing by a tree and wearing a black hoodie. She's an awkward, nerdy kind of girl, who tends to look like she's been dressed by her mother most mornings. Her attention is so fixed on the circus going on at the Hastings house that she fails to notice Paige approaching her, "Hey Mona. What's going on?"
"Paige!" Mona jumps as if she's just been caught peeking through the Hastings' front window. She nervously pushes her glasses up her nose as she shrink back a little from Paige. The two girls had shared a couple of classes their freshman year, and Mona had been nice enough to tutor the jock in math, so there's no reason why she should be skulking back like she's afraid of Paige. "Haven't you heard? Allison Dilaurentis is missing!" There's an almost gleeful edge to her voice. Had they been talking about anyone else then maybe Paige would feel a little bad about it; but Alison is a monster.
"Good." Paige feels her lips curl up in to a cruel smirk. "Hopefully she stays that way." Mona returns her smirk with one of her own as their inner demons wave at each other. Both girls have been victims of Allison's relentless bullying and neither are particularly concerned about her safety and wellbeing.
"She and her little minions were having a sleepover in Spencer's barn. Hastings woke up and found her missing, so they called the cops."
"Is Emily okay?" Paige blurts out without thinking. Mona's eyes narrow on her and Paige struggles not to shudder. She's no wimp, she has stood up to Allison countless times and lived through her merciless bullying; but Mona's eyes are cold and dead like a sharks, taking everything in and seemingly looking right in to Paige's very soul. "She's uh...we're on the swim team." It's hardly much of an explanation for Paige's concern, but it's all she can offer Mona in response to her questioning look. Paige herself has no idea why she's so concerned about a girl she hardly knows. She doesn't want to read too much in to it.
"Emily's fine. She's right over there." Mona finally answers, ending Paige's suffering as she nods over to the group of teenage girls standing on the Hastings lawn. Emily, Aria and Hanna are standing holding each other as they sob and cry over their missing friend. Spencer is standing a little way off, talking to a uniformed officer. She's telling her story for the umpteenth time and quickly losing her patience.
As if sensing she's being watched, Hastings looks up and catches Paige staring right at her. She glares at her rival as she moves back over to her friends. Emily turns from the others and buries her face against the side of Spencer's neck as she cling to her like a lifeline. Paige tries not to think about the twisting jealousy in the pit of her stomach; or question where it's coming from.
Just over a week later and school has started. Allison's still missing and rumours are running rampant in the hallways. People are saying the girls were drinking. They're saying that Spencer and Allison were always arguing and that Hanna was sick of living in her shadow. There's talk of Emily's boyfriend doing the dirty on her with Allison, and that's the rumour that really sticks in Paige's gut. When she passes Ben in the hall she deliberately slams her shoulder in to his; though the guy is built like a tree so he barely feels it and Paige ends up with a cramp the rest of the afternoon.
She passes Emily a few times in the hall too, but they never speak outside of swim practise. The other girl has always been quite quiet and timid out of the pool, but now it's like she's just a shadow of her former self. She drags herself around school, keeping her head down low and trying to ignore what everyone is saying about her and her friends. Paige feels bad about ignoring her, but she can't bring herself to say anything to her.
Most of the rumours seem to be about Hastings, and Paige isn't surprised. The girl is a borderline psychopath on the hockey pitch; and just as bad off of it. It's no secret that Spencer and Allison had been fighting like cat and dog towards the end of freshman year. There's talk that the police have already questioned Spencer twice. They've had the other girls in too, but Spencer is their focus right now. The story goes that Allison went missing while the other girls were sleeping, but Hastings was already awake and supposedly looking for her before the other girls were.
Paige doesn't care what has happened to Allison Dilaurentis. She just wants her to stay gone. For the first time in a long while Paige feels like she can finally breathe. She can walk down the halls without looking over her shoulder and worrying about the devil herself lurking behind every corner. There had been a time when Paige had stood up to Allison and her bullying ways; when she had called her out on her bullshit and refused to back down no matter how much Allison had threatened her; but that had been before the bitch had played her cruel little trick, giving her physical proof of Paige's deepest, darkest secret and unshakable leverage over her.
Paige's blood runs cold as she thinks about the letter she was tricked in to writing. She's done her best to forget about it; just like she's tried to bury her feelings for the intended recipient of the letter. No doubt Hastings and the rest of Allison's subjects had, had a good laugh over it at Paige's expense. They probably know all about it...
What if they tell the police? Spencer is suspect of the week, but that could easily change if the police find out about the escalating feud between Allison and Paige. What if Allison kept hold of the letter? What if the police search her things and found it? Would they pull Paige in for questioning? Or worse, would they ask Emily about it?
Paige feels her anxiety welling up inside of her, threatening to spill out in to a full blown panic attack. She pushes her way in to the bathroom and slumps against one of the sinks as she struggles to catch her breath. Emily can't find out about that letter! She just can't! Paige feels her chest tightening as she clenches her eyes shut and tries not to think about Allison Dilaurentis laughing in her face after reading all of her secrets out loud.
"Hey, are you okay?" Paige hears the very last voice she wants to hear coming from behind her and it doesn't help her to breath any easier. "Paige? Just take deep breaths." There's a hand on her back and she all's but hyperventilating as Emily moves in beside her. Her long hair hangs around her face like a curtain and she tucks it behind her ear and carries on rubbing small, soothing circles against Paige's back. It's doing nothing to help her calm down.
"I'm fine.." Paige somehow manages to choke the words out as she shrugs Emily's hand off. The other girl looks a little stunned by her hostility, but she chooses not to say anything. That's Emily Fields for you, never rocking the boat. Paige wishes that just for once she would. She wants Emily to scream and shout at her, to tell her that deep down Paige is a monster and it should have been her who disappeared; that she's a freak and the thoughts she has about her team-mate are disgusting and just plain wrong.
She doesn't though. Those big brown eyes of hers just settle on Paige with something akin to pity and it breaks her heart. She doesn't want Emily's pity. She doesn't want to think about what it is she really wants from Emily Fields, but she knows its not her pity. "I said I'm fine!" She raises her voice, letting her anger get the better of her; like it usually does. Emily takes the hint and glares at her before walking out, muttering something about trying to be nice. Paige can't think about the other girl's feelings right now. Her mind is shutting down and she's going in to survival mode. She makes up her mind there and then, she has to get that letter back.
It's a few days after her encounter with Emily that Paige gets her chance. She takes the long way home, riding her bike down Bridgewater Terrace once again. The police are long gone, but Paige is fairly certain that the Sedan parked across the street from Allison's house is an unmarked police car. She keeps her head down low as she rests her bike against the hedge and heads up the drive to knock on the door.
Allison's mother has no idea who she is, but Paige can be charming when she wants to be and a few choice words and some fake sincerity get her inside the house. That's the first challenge. The second is getting in to Allison's room on her own. Mrs Dilaurentis is a wreck. Her eyes are red raw from crying so much, her clothes are wrinkled and there's an odour of stale bourbon hanging around her. Paige genuinely feels sorry for the woman. She can't begin to imagine the pain she must be suffering through; even if her daughter is the spawn of the devil.
The younger girl bides her time, saying all the right things and even offering to make the anxious mother some tea as she slumps down in to a chair and begins to openly sob. Paige isn't used to so much raw emotion. Her family aren't big on opening up, or hugging, or any of that other stuff. She's never seen her dad cry, not even at her grandpa Alan's funeral last month.
Eventually she brings up her excuse for coming over to the house, telling Allison's mother that she borrowed her an old book that's been in her family for years and she feels really bad for bothering her, but she needs it back. The sobbing woman waves towards the stairs, giving her permission to go up to Allison's room. Paige slips away, feeling like the biggest jerk in the world, but she can't let anyone find that letter.
Allison's room is nothing out of the ordinary for a teenage girl. It looks like the police have already searched it for clues to the teenager's disappearance. Paige feels her heart sink as she quietly closes the door over behind her. What if they've already found the letter? What if they turn up at her house and drag her away for questioning? A million scenarios are running through Paige's mind, and none of them end well.
She just has to pray that the letter was overlooked. Paige tries the obvious places first: the drawers of Allison's desk, her bookshelf, her night stand, but the offending letter is nowhere to be found. Paige's heart is pounding in her chest as the minutes quickly pass and her excuse to be upstairs dwindles. She expects Mrs Dilaurentis to come walking in any second and ask what's taking her so long; but when the door opens it's not the grieving mother who walks in on her. It's Spencer Hastings.
"What are you doing in here?" She snaps at Paige, who has frozen in the middle of the room like a buck caught in the headlights of a speeding car. Her throat feels impossibly dry as Paige tries to answer her, but nothing comes out. "I asked what you were doing here?" Spencer repeats herself as she rounds on the other girl. Few girls at school have any kind of height advantage over Paige, but unfortunately Spencer does. Her anger is plain to see, but Paige isn't sure it's all about her being in Allison's room. The police have been hounding Hastings all week and the whispers around town are clearly getting to her.
"I uh...I borrowed Allison a book." Paige tries to stick to the lie she told Mrs Dilaurentis, but Spencer sees right through it.
"That's bull! You and Ali hate each other!" Hate. She uses the present tense. If she had killed her then would she wouldn't be talking about her like she thinks she's still alive? Spencer had nothing to do with her friend's disappearance. It's written all over her face, and Paige can see how desperate she is for someone to see it. She switches track, deciding to give the truth a try for once.
"Okay. Truthfully? Allison has something of mine. Something that could make me look bad to the police. I need to find it before they do; I didn't do anything to her Spencer, I swear!"
"How am I supposed to know that?" Spencer crosses her arms over her chest as she stands her ground, effectively blocking the door. "Why should I believe you? Why shouldn't I just call the cops right now?"
"Because you know exactly what it's like to have people think you're guilty of something when you're not." Paige shoots back without missing a beat. The other girl's expression softens, just for a second, but it's enough. Paige knows she's gotten through to her.
"What are you looking for?" Spencer's defences fly back up as she takes a tentative step over towards Allison's desk. She runs her hand across the mess of papers and upturned books; a direct result of hurricane Paige.
"Why would I tell you? You could just use it against me." Paige isn't exactly a paranoid person, but months of being targeted by Allison Dilaurentis have left her cautious of trusting other people.
"Because I'm nothing like Allison." It's not the response Paige was expecting and it floors her. Spencer's answer is raw and honest and it's plain to see how much she wants to believe it's true; how much she needs it to be true. "Besides, you don't have much of a choice. Ali's good at hiding things. She has places all over this room. It'd probably take you a month to find them all."
"And you know where they are?" Paige is sceptical. Hastings is right about one thing though, she doesn't have any other options.
As if to prove a point, Spencer drops down to her knees by the desk and uses her long, nimble fingers to pry up a loose floorboard. It reveals a small recess, filled with hidden treasures.
"A letter." Paige lets out the breath that she's been holding in ever since she first remembered about the damn letter. "She has a letter that I wrote...and it wasn't meant for her."
"Who was it meant for?" Spencer quizzes, but Paige is done sharing. Spencer will probably figure it out eventually, so there's no point in Paige willingly giving up her secrets so easily.
"It should be in a yellow envelope. Let me know if you find it." She goes to walk out, but Spencer takes hold of her arm, stopping her in her tracks. Paige wrenches away from her. It's a knee jerk reaction; a self defence mechanism. Spencer doesn't take it personally. She just picks up one of the books from the desk and shoves it towards her.
"Don't leave without what you came for; that would make you look suspicious." She teases, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. She might not be Allison, but it still goes against everything Paige believes in to trust her. She reluctantly takes the offered book, knowing she has no other viable option.
"Thanks."
A few days later and Paige is practically climbing the walls as she anxiously waits for Spencer to get back to her. She tries to ask her how the search is going when she passes her in the halls at school, but it's impossible to catch her on her own. She's always with one of the other girls, or all of them, and Paige never gets her chance to talk to her. Spencer doesn't exactly try to seek her out, which just serves to make Paige all the more nervous about trusting her in the first place. She should have given the other girl her number or something.
"Hastings!" She finally gets Spencer on her own in the locker room, after a particularly gruelling hockey practise. They're both covered in dirt and feeling worse for wear, but Paige isn't going to pass up on the opportunity to grill the other girl for information. The police have stopped focusing on Spencer, which means it's only a matter of time before they turn their attention towards Paige.
"Jesus, McCullers! I don't have it yet, okay? Ali's like a freaking magpie! she has a million places to hide stuff and I can only go over her house so many times!" She's on edge. Even if the police aren't interrogating her anymore, she's still close to cracking under the pressure of everything. Paige can sympathise with her; family, grades, reputation, rumours, she knows exactly what it feels like to be buried under a mountain of expectation.
"Sorry." She hovers by Spencer's locker, unsure of what else to say or how to make it better. She doesn't know why she wants to comfort Spencer Hastings, of all people, but she does. Maybe it's because they're more alike than either of them would care to admit. Paige doesn't dwell on her reasoning for too long.
"Hey, how about we get in some extra practise?" To Paige, there's no better stress release than taking your frustrations out on an open goal. She doesn't expect Spencer to say yes, but it seems right to make the offer anyway.
"Okay." Hastings surprises her team mate once again as she picks her stick back up. Paige expects it to be weird between them, but the silence between them is almost pleasant as they take it in turns taking shots at the unmanned net. Of course their extra training turns in to a competition to see who can sink the hardest shot. It ends when one of Spencer's shots rips through the net and they mutually agree to call it a day and hide the evidence.
Paige hates showering at school. There's something that makes her uncomfortable about showering with the rest of the team, but it's still warm out and she's soaked in sweat. She has the quickest shower of her life while Spencer strips off her muddy uniform. Paige jumps back out of the stall, wrapping a towel around herself just as Spencer is stepping under the shower head. Paige is careful to keep her head down and her eyes focused on the ground as she pads back over to her locker to change. Hastings joins her ten minutes later and Paige isn't really sure why she's still sitting there waiting for her. The other girl looks just as confused by her presence, but chooses not to comment on it. Instead she simply says, "Thanks. I needed that." Paige nods, her eyes still fixed on the ground.
Spencer fidgets with the hem of her towel as she bites at her lip and the silence between them becomes palpable. Her wet hair hangs limply around her shoulders and her pale skin and hollow cheeks make her look like she's sick. She's lost a lot of weight over the past few weeks, along with some important muscle. It takes Paige by surprise that she even notices, but her biceps have definitely lost some of their definition. The stress off Ali's disappearance is definitely taking its toll on the other girl. Paige has never seen her looking so undone.
"Lately it just feels like I can't take a breath, you know?" Spencer elaborates without needing to be prompted. That's probably a good thing seeing as Paige wasn't going to ask her about it. "It feels like everyone is constantly watching me, waiting for something..." They're waiting for her to crack and confess that she killed her best friend in a fit of jealous rage, but it's not going to happen. Spencer is innocent. Paige is all the more convinced of that now; though she can't pin down why.
"It's like I'm surrounded by people, but I've never been so alone." Spencer chokes out, sounding close to tears. Paige really hopes she doesn't cry. She doesn't do well with crying girls and she doesn't like the idea of comforting big, bad Spencer Hastings as she cries her heart out on the bathroom floor. Paige pulls a marker out of her bag and reaches for Spencer's arm when she stands up. The other girl goes to pull away, but Paige's grip is firm as she holds Spencer's wrist in one hand and the marker in the other. She quickly scribbles down her number on the milky white flesh beneath her fingers.
"You're not on your own."
Three weeks after Allison disappears the police finally get around to questioning Paige about their turbulent relationship. The detectives on the case turn up at her house one Saturday morning and ask if they can come inside to talk to her. As soon as they bring up the incident on the hockey pitch last year, where a less than legal tackle had left Allison Dilaurentis with a bruise the size of football on her back, and start asking Paige about where she was the night Allison went missing, her dad puts a stop to their questions and calls their lawyer.
It turns out their lawyer is Mrs Hastings; and it's easy to see where Spencer gets her fire from. The woman is all business as she takes a seat opposite Paige and stares at her across the McCullers' kitchen table. "Did you have anything to do with Allison Dilaurentis' disappearance?"
"Come on Veronica!" Paige's dad snaps at the attorney as he nervously pulls on his tie and loosens his collar. For all he's defending his daughter it's more out of instinct that belief in her. Paige can read the doubt on his face and it makes her stomach drop; what chance does she have of convincing the cops if her own father thinks she's guilty of hurting the other girl?"
"Nick. Please." Veronica Hastings shoots a stern glare his way before turning her attention back to Paige.
"No." She answers firmly, answering her accusers as the two adults in the room stare at her expectantly. "I had nothing to do with what happened to Allison!" It's the truth. She would have happily pushed that scheming bitch under a bus given half the chance, but they don't need to know that. Paige is innocent, that's the important thing.
"All right." Veronica nods at her, taking her at her word. "We'll set up an interview with the police for later this afternoon and see what they've got. Paige, you keep your mouth shut and only answer when I tell you." The older Hastings has all the same charm as her daughter, but Paige blindly nods in agreement. She'll say and do anything if it means she can dig herself out of the mess that Allison has landed her in; she's not even here and she's still getting Paige in trouble.
Part of Paige is terrified as she takes a seat in the hard plastic chair of the police interrogation room and stares up at the two way mirror lining the wall in front of her. She knows she's completely innocent, but there are little nagging doubts playing at the back of her mind. It's no secret that she and Allison didn't get along. If they've found the letter to Emily, signed by Paige, amongst Allison's things then it would be pretty easy for them to put two and two together and come up with five. You hear about it all the time, innocent people going to jail for crimes they didn't commit and having to spend the rest of their lives locked up. Paige has wanted out of Rosewood for a long time, but not quite like that.
As the two detectives take their seats and open up a rather large looking manilla file on the desk, Paige feels something under the table. Mrs Hastings keeps her shark like gaze fixed on the two men across from her as they look through their all important file, but underneath the table her right hand softly squeezes Paige's knee. It's an out of character act of reassurance coming from the hard faced lawyer; but a completely understandable one coming from a mother.
Paige looks up from where she's working on her bike as a shadow falls across her. She's sitting on her front lawn, making the most of a quiet Sunday morning to clean and polish up her bike frame after a gruelling trek through the woods the afternoon before. The second Paige had gotten out of that police station she'd headed straight home, jumped on her bike and vanished for the rest of the day.
The detectives had asked question after question, sometimes repeating the same ones two and three times to try and trip her up. They'd asked about the fight Paige and Allison had, had during their last hockey match, and whether Paige considered herself a friend of Allison's or not. She'd scoffed at that question, unable to stop herself; looking back, it probably hadn't helped her case that much. The cops had released her eventually, but not before Paige manage to put herself firmly at the top of their suspects list.
"Hi." Spencer greets the other girl with a nod as she stands right in front of her, blocking Paige's light. Her hair is tied back, making her hollow cheeks seem all the more severe, and the pretty red sun-dress she's wearing serves only to highlight how worryingly thin she's become.
"Hey." Paige wipes her greasy hands on an old rag and gets to her feet, waiting for Spencer to explain what she's doing there. When she doesn't say anything Paige asks her outright. "Did you find the letter?"
"What?" Spencer's eyes have a glazed over look about them, like she's not quite with it. She blinks, as if trying to clear the fog that has settled over her brain. "Oh, the letter...no. I didn't find it. Sorry."
"Why are you here Spencer?" Paige does her best not to sound abrasive as she tires to find out why Spencer Hastings is standing on her lawn, staring at her like some kind of zombie; it's a tall order. Lately, Paige's natural tone tends to fall under 'abrasive' all the time.
"I uh...my mom, she told me you were at the police station. So they're questioning you now?"
"Looks like." Paige shrugs, not really wanting to go in to it. She's had enough of talking about Allison; the bitch probably went missing on purpose just to stir things up. She'll be laughing it up somewhere, just loving all of the attention her disappearance is getting her.
"I saw you that night." Spencer's voice sounds oddly small, almost childlike. Paige doesn't have to ask which night she's talking about. Paige doesn't tend to make a habit of driving down the street that Spencer and Allison both live on, but that night she had made an exception.
She'd spotted Emily walking over to Spencer's house with a sleeping bag. When the other girl had noticed her, Emily had smiled and waved her way, making Paige's heart swell. It had been stupid and foolhardy of her to ride back down that way later in the evening, hoping just to catch another glimpse of a girl she was too terrified to even talk to.
Paige is all too aware that her stupid moment of weakness will probably land her twenty-five to life if the police find out she was in the area the night Allison disappeared; Spencer probably knows this too. Paige stands there staring at her with a dumb look on her face, waiting for the threats or the demands that are sure to follow.
Spencer isn't Allison though. "I stepped out of the barn for just a minute, to get some fresh air. I saw you ride by... but I didn't tell the police."
"Why?" Paige can't help the surprise that laces her voice. Spencer Hastings is the last person she expects to cover for her; even if she hasn't done anything wrong.
"I dunno." Spencer shrugs, still in her daze. "I just...I know you didn't have anything to do with Allison disappearing."
"Your mom told you about my parents and their friends alibiing me then?" Paige's parents had thrown a dinner party that night. She'd gotten home from her bike ride around ten and had gone straight to bed, but enough people had saw her go upstairs to count as an alibi; not that the police put much stock in alibis given by relatives of a presumed killer.
"Yeah, she did...but I meant before I knew that. Even when I found you in Ali's room, most people would have seen that as a big red flag, but I...I dunno. I trust you."
Paige isn't really sure what to say back to that. There isn't much she can say; other than Spencer is an idiot for having any kind of faith in her. "Have you had lunch yet?"
"What?" Spencer carries on staring blankly at her, not quite following the other girl's line of thought.
"Lunch? Have you had it? I was just about to go inside and eat. You're welcome to join me?"
"Oh, okay." Spencer wakes up a little bit as she follows Paige up to the house. Her parents spend most Sundays at the tennis club, so Paige doesn't have to worry about them coming home and finding her entertaining her strange guest. She sits Spencer down on one of the stools in front of the breakfast bar as she rummages through the fridge for something to make them. If she were just cooking for herself she'd have something light like a salad, but the other girl looks in dire need of some good carbs and fat. She finds an Alfredo sauce and some chicken, it's hardly gourmet cooking, but with a little pasta she can make a decent meal for them both.
"You're glad she's gone, aren't you?" Spencer speaks up out of nowhere and Paige almost drops the pan of boiling water that she's carrying over to the stove. "Ali, she made your life hell, didn't she?"
"Yeah. She did." It's the first time Paige has ever admitted it out loud. She keeps her eyes glued on the pan and her back turned to Spencer, refusing to turn around and acknowledge her.
"I'm glad she's gone too."
"Spencer, you don't need to do this-"
"I hate her." Spencer doesn't listen to the other girl as she carries on talking, her voice flat and dead. "She's selfish and manipulative, and she brings out the worst in people! She brings out the worst in me...I hope she stays gone."
"Me too." Paige admits quietly and finally turns around to face her. She never imagined having the other girl as an ally, but it feels like Paige finally has someone in her corner. "Me too."
Sunday lunch becomes a regular thing. Spencer comes over at the same time every week, always after Paige's parents have gone to the tennis club. Paige makes the most fattening meal she possibly can and within a few weeks Spencer starts to look a little healthier.
They stay behind late after practise on Thursdays and work on their passing and their shooting. Paige makes sure to pack an extra protein shake in her bag and some peanut butter cookies too. At first she finds she has to remind and pester to get Spencer to eat something, but after a while she starts bringing stuff to practise too. They sit on the field enjoying their protein packed picnic and talking about everything other than Allison Dilauretnis.
A month after Allison's disappearance, Spencer's group faces another blow as Aria's family move away to Europe. Hanna and Mona become inseparable as, finally free from Allison's shadow, the pair of them start reinventing themselves. Emily throws herself in to her swimming, which means Paige has to train that much harder to keep up with her. It's hard to find the time to focus on swimming, fieldhockey training and looking after Spencer, but she somehow makes it work. It's a little easier to talk to Emily without fear of Allison jumping out from around every corner.
Paige doesn't have many friends. She doesn't really have any, just the people she hangs out with from the various teams she plays on, but what she has with Spencer almost feels like a friendship. Maybe Spencer is only hanging out with her because she's slowly losing her other friends, but Paige surprisingly doesn't care either way. She's just happy to have a friend.
"Do you even understand the concept of algebra?" Spencer scowls at the notebook in front of her. It's like Paige has just put random letters and numbers everywhere. Beside her feet, at the foot of the bed, Paige rolls her eyes. Two months ago she would have bristled at Spencer's sharp tone, but she knows from experience that when her voice goes up a lilt like that she's teasing. "This is all wrong!"
"I do it on purpose, so you'll fix it for me." Paige shoots back with a smirk as Spencer softly kicks at her.
"I'd laugh but you're not even joking." Spencer replies dryly, even as she gets to work correcting the other girl's mistakes.
They're both lying on Spencer's bed, doing their homework. They spend most evenings at Paige's house, since her parents always seem to be out at some dinner, or at a party, or working late. Spencer likes being over at Paige's, out of her own home and away from her family. Tonight they're at Spencer's house though, since her own parents are out at the club and they can take advantage of having the place to themselves. The police are still questioning both of them sporadically and there are rumours flying all over town about Ali's disappearance, so it's nice for them to be able to hide out from the rest of the world.
"Are you going to Noel's Halloween party next weekend?" Spencer asks, catching the other girl off guard. She doesn't give her a chance to say no. "You should come with me. It'll be fun."
"Maybe I will." Paige has no intentions of going to the party, but she says maybe to keep Spencer happy. She'll think of an excuse closer to the time.
"You'd better! It's going to be-" Spencer is cut off as her phone starts ringing and she has to shift to answer it, dislodging Paige who is lying over her feet. Paige huffs at having to move, but tries not to think about the reasons behind her annoyance. "Hey, Em. What's up?" Spencer tucks her legs under her as she starts talking to her oldest friend. Paige feels like she's intruding, so she gets to her feet and wanders to the other side of the room to inspect Spencer's bookcase. As close as she and Spencer have gotten lately, sometimes it still feels like she's on the outside looking in.
She hasn't thought much about Emily lately. When the swimming season started back up she tried to talk to her a little bit more, but Emily's been pretty out of it. She barely seems to be there when she's not in the water and her more lucid moments tend to be when she's surrounded by a crowd of people or when she's with Ben, her boyfriend; Paige doesn't try to talk to her when there are other people around.
Thinking of Emily reminds her of the reason she and Spencer started talking in the first place. It's been two months and they still haven't found that stupid letter. Paige had almost forgotten all about it, but she brings it up once Spencer gets off the phone. "Hey Spence, you haven't found that letter yet, have you?" She tries to make the question sound casual, but she can't help the hint of desperation that colours her voice. Spending time with Spencer hasn't been about the letter in a while, but that doesn't mean Paige has given up on finding it.
"No. Not yet." Spencer's voice sounds weird. Paige can't pinpoint why exactly, but she doesn't miss the way the other girl can't meet her eye. "Ali has hiding places all over. If the letter was something important she might not even have kept it at her house. She was at her grandmother's over the summer, she could have taken it with her for safe keeping. We might never find it...maybe nobody ever will."
"Good." Paige nods, satisfied with the answer. She'd rather the letter be lost for good anyway; that way Spencer will never get to read it. She'll never know Paige's deepest, darkest secrets.
"Why now?" Spencer asks, refusing to let it drop. "You haven't asked me about the letter in weeks."
"No reason." Paige shrugs back at her. She doesn't want her to figure out that her sudden curiosity is connected to Emily's phone call. "I should go. Thanks for doing my homework for me." She scoops up her books and papers and shoves them in to her backpack as she gets ready to leave. Spencer stands up too and goes in for a hug. Paige isn't really a big hugger, but it's part of the social obligation of having a friend, so she obliges.
She tries her best not to think about the fluttering in her stomach as Spencer's arms wrap around her neck and their bodies press together. Her heart starts pounding like a hummingbird's and she can barely focus on what the other girl is saying to her. "Paige! I said call me when you get home, okay?"
"Sure. Okay." She nods, not trusting herself to say much more. She flies out of Spencer's room, insisting she doesn't need her to see her out.
Spencer lingers by her door, watching her new friend go before she heads back in to her room. She crosses to her desk and pulls the top drawer right out, turning it over to reveal the yellow envelope taped to the underside of it. She carefully pulls it free and lets her fingers run lightly across the letters on the front, feeling her heart grow heavy at the sight of Emily's name.
The music is too loud and there are too many people. Paige feels like she can't breathe right as she crushed among the throng of teenage bodies. There are monsters and demons all around her and she's starting to panic as she looses herself in the crowd; but a hand clamps firmly around her own and leads her out to safety. The cold night air is a welcome relief as Paige takes deep gulps of it. The hand pressed lightly to her back should be making her feel claustrophobic, but it's more comforting than anything else.
"Are you okay? You looked a little panicky in there." Emily Fields is smiling at her and Paige can't seem to kick her lips in to gear to answer her. She's a little buzzed from too much cheap beer and her brain just wont work with her.
"Paige? Where'd you go?" Spencer appears beside her, shaking her out of her stupor as she presses another plastic cup full of tepid beer in to her hand. Ben reappears too and wraps his arms around Emily's waist. He whispers something in her ear and they share a giggle before Emily reaches back to kiss him. Paige takes a large gulp of her beer, ignoring the green eyed monster that has roared to life in the pit of her stomach.
It's Halloween and Spencer has dragged her along to Noel's party. It's loud and crowded and Paige doesn't really want to be there. She's there for Spence; at least that's what she keeps telling herself. "I uh...It was too noisy inside. I had to step out." Paige feels her cheeks flush with embarrassment. Spencer left her for all of five minutes and she freaked out.
"Do you want to go?" Spencer's face is full of concern and she steps in close. Her hand finds the small of Paige's back and she can't feel any difference from when Emily's hand was there. Paige nods, feeling a little overwhelmed.
"You stay. I'll go. It's fine." Spencer's having none of it though. She insists on taking Paige home.
The two of them sober up a little on the walk back, but Paige is still glad her parents aren't home when she gets there. Worrying about what Spencer's parents will think of her showing up drunk, she invites her to stay the night. Paige doesn't figure out how stupid of an idea that is until Spencer is pressed up against her in her bed.
It's not the first time she's stayed over, but something is different this time. Paige can feel every place their bodies are pressing together and her intoxicated mind is going ten to the dozen as she tries to think about anything other than the girl lying beside her."You're feet are cold." Spencer grumbles with a soft laugh, her breath tickling against the back of Paige's neck. The other girl shifts forward uncomfortably, but there isn't anywhere for her to go.
"You don't like the arrangements Hastings, go sleep on the couch." Paige huffs, her eyes already heavy with sleep. She's too drunk and too tired to care about anything much; though she has to admit she really hopes Spencer doesn't take her advice and go sleep downstairs.
"I'm fine here." Paige stiffens as she feels Spencer's lips press against the side of her neck. She swallows hard before turning over. The other girl's lips haven't moved, so Paige's end up brushing against them. Every nerve ending in her body seems to light up as she clumsily kisses Spencer Hastings in the dark. She's drunk enough to convince herself that is doesn't mean anything; that kissing one girl and being in love with another, doesn't make her gay.
Things get a little weird after Halloween. Paige starts cancelling their weekend plans and finding excuses to go straight home after hockey practise. She keeps telling herself that kissing Spencer was just a drunken mistake; that's when she lets herself think about the kiss at all. She keeps busy by throwing herself in to her training with the same kind of diligence and focus that Emily's had all semester. She's the first in the pool in the morning and the last one out after school. She goes running, hiking, cycling, anything that gives her an excuse to turn Spencer down when she invites her over.
Her dodging tactics work for about a month, until the weekend before thanksgiving, when Spencer finally realises that Paige is actively trying to avoid her. "Okay McCullers, what's going on?" Spencer corners the other girl in the locker room late one Friday afternoon. She's determined to find out what's going on and she isn't going to buy any of Paige's lame excuses about needing to study. "You've been weird with me since Halloween. Did I do something to piss you off?"
Either Spencer is a really good actress, or she doesn't remember the kiss they shared. She didn't didn't bring it up the morning after, but Paige figured that was because she was just as horrified about it happening in the first place; she's never considered the fact that Spencer might have just been too drunk to remember it happening.
"You didn't do anything wrong." Paige insists, suddenly feeling like the world's biggest jerk for ignoring her friend for so long. "I've just had a lot on my plate. Why don't we hang out tonight?" She's missed Spence, she can't deny that. Now that she knows Spencer doesn't remember what happened between them, she can actually look her friend in the eye.
"I'm glad you said that. There's a vigil for Allison tonight. We're going." Paige laughs at that, thinks it's the funniest thing she's ever heard, until she realises Spencer is being totally serious.
"Why?"
"Well, given that we're suspects number one and two, it would look suspicious if we didn't show up. So we're going. No arguments."
"You're number one." Paige grumbles petulantly, but she doesn't argue with Spencer's logic.
Pennsylvania in late November is cold; really cold. Paige has her jacket on, as well as her mittens and a scarf, but she's still shaking with how cold it is outside. The candle in her hand isn't really giving off much heat. There are dozens of other people standing with candles around the square. For being such a massive bitch, Allison sure was popular; or maybe everyone else has just turned up to avoid looking suspicious. Maybe they're all responsible for Allison's disappearance. Maybe there was a town vote about getting rid of her; all in favour of bumping off Allison Dilaurentis say 'aye'. Paige smirks to herself at the ridiculous thought. Spencer catches her and elbows her sharply in the ribs.
"Look more sad." She mutters under her breath, reminding Paige that some of the people around her are actually there to mourn Allison's loss. Paige looks around and spots Emily standing to her right. She, Spencer and Hanna didn't show up together, but they've migrated closer to each other out of habit. Hanna is crying in to Mona's shoulder while Spencer stands stoically to Paige's left. Emily is standing amongst her friends, yet she looks utterly alone. Paige knows the feeling all too well.
The other girls looks so haunted, so broken, that all of Paige's defences crumble in an instant. She knows she should could keep her distance. She knows she's not ready to think about the aching in her chest, the one that comes from being around the other swimmer; but she can't just leave her there, floundering.
Paige's hand reaches across the small space that separates them and her fingers intertwine with Emily's. The other girl looks down, startled, but doesn't pull away. Paige has no idea where Ben is, it doesn't really matter though. She can be there for Emily tonight; for as along as she needs her to be. Emily manages a small smile as she squeezes Paige's fingers, wordlessly thanking her for her support. Spencer looks on in silence, shoving her hands deep in to the pockets of her jacket to keep from reaching out for Paige.
Later in the night, Paige and Spencer are hiding out in Spencer's room. Her parents are out for the night and her sister is away at college so they have the place to themselves. Spencer is in charge of the drinks and Paige starts to notice them getting stronger, but she doesn't care. It's been a long day and she's only just starting to be able to feel her feet again after standing out in the square for so long.
Paige is hoping the expensive scotch will help to numb her brain for a little while. She had stood out in that square, holding on to Emily's hand for over an hour and wondering what would happen if she just never let go. Spencer is unusually quiet; not that Paige really notices.
She's lost deep in thought, which is why she doesn't register Spencer moving across the room. It's only as Spencer's climbing in to Paige's lap that the other girl finally looks up and takes note of her; the irony isn't lost on Spencer. "What-" Paige's question remains unasked as Spencer leans forward and cuts her off with a kiss. Her lips are soft, but insistent. Paige lets out a gasp, and Spencer takes full advantage of her parted lips to deepen the kiss. Her hands cup Paige's cheeks as she kisses her like it's the last time they'll ever see each other. Maybe it is.
Paige kisses back, but only for a moment. She pulls back, stunned and confused in equal measures. She has no idea what just happened, or why. All she knows is that it changes everything. "Spence..." She looks at her friend and needs her to come out with something that is going to make all of this okay. She needs Spencer to tell her that she's just drunk, or temporarily insane. She needs the other girl to tell her anything other than the truth; because the fact is they're more alike than Paige cares to admit. She can't hear Spencer's truth, because she's not ready to hear her own.
Spencer doesn't seem to care about that though. "Paige...I'm in-"
"Don't say it." Paige demands. She won't let Spencer finish whatever she's trying to say. "Please Spence, don't say it. I know, okay? I know...but I'm not ready to... Please, just leave it."
"I don't know if I can." Spencer admits. Her voice cracks and she can't look at Paige as she makes her way over to her desk.
She pulls the envelope out from its hiding place and holds it out for Paige to take. The other girl just stands there staring at it and Spencer can feel her shame building. She should have turned it over right away, but it was the only thing keeping Paige around. There doesn't seem much point in holding on to it and prolonging the other girl's suffering. Nothing can make Paige stay now; Spencer can see it in her eyes.
"Did you read it?" Paige frowns, unsure of how to feel about finally having the letter back. It's amazing how much trouble one little letter can cause. If Paige ever needed hard proof that it's better to keep her feelings to herself then it's staring her right in the face.
"No. I didn't." Spencer eventually answers her and it's the god's honest truth. She hasn't read the letter. She didn't need to. "But I can guess what's in it. I'm not stupid Paige, I've seen the way you look at her..."
"I..." Paige tries to defend herself, but there's nothing to say. "When Allison got her hands on that letter I thought my life was over. If Emily ever found out-"
"She wont. Not from me." Spencer promises. Paige might have rejected her, but that doesn't mean she's going to stop being her friend. "You should tell her though, when you're ready; secrets have a way of eating up people up from the inside."
"I'm sorry." Paige chokes out, realising she's giving up a real chance at happiness to hold on to a pipe dream. Emily will never look at her the way Spencer is now. She'll never kiss her like she means it, or whisper the words that Page so desperately wants to hear her say; she'll never love Paige back.
"Me too." Spencer finally lets go of the yellow envelope as Paige takes it and shoves it in to her back pocket. She kisses the swimmer softly on the cheek before stepping aside to let her out the door. Paige doesn't look back as she walks out; she can't.
She walks out of the Hastings house, past Allison's and all the way down the street before she breaks down crying. She drops to her knees as her grief overcomes her and threatens to swallow her whole. She's lost the only
friend she has left and it's killing her. Part of her wishes she could just be normal, that she could stop feeling the way she does about Emily Fields; but most of all, she wishes she could choose to be in love with a girl who actually wants her back.