-Girl In The Mirror-
-A Kingdom Hearts songfic-
There's a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and sad goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken easily
-
It's the same thing every time I wake up. I hear my alarm ring at 5:30 in the morning, I turn it off and then I spend half an hour staring at myself in the mirror, wondering who the hell is staring back at me. The same thing for the past three months. Sometimes I'll look at myself and wonder 'Does she need a hair cut?' Other times I'll look and think 'Good God, she'd look better in blue.' But in the end, my ultimate train of thought is 'What the hell is wrong with her? Does she have a problem in her life that I can't fix?'
"Who are you?" I ask, fighting the urge to reach out and touch the girl's cheek. I can see all her stories in her eyes – from her childhood to today.
'I ask myself the same question...' I hear her whisper, her eyes downcast toward my hands. I look down myself, and see all sorts of things: my blue-painted nails, various paper cuts that I never got round to covering, and a small myriad of scars that look like fingernail marks. I absently trace those marks, flashes of colour exploding behind my eyes. The girl in the mirror nods.
'You felt it too...' she whispers, 'There's a painful story in those marks, and you already know what it is.'
"Do I?" I ask. I look back up at the girl, and I can almost see her heart lifting itself out of her chest, broken and tattered in places that looked remarkably like my own.
"Tora! Breakfast!"
"Coming Mum!"
'You know our story...don't let it chain you.' The girl in the mirror disappears, and I rub at my eyes tiredly. These 5:30 starts were going to kill me; I could feel it. I head out of the bathroom toward the kitchen, where my mother is busy cooking breakfast and my two other siblings are nowhere to be seen. Lucky them.
"Rune and Ryu awake yet?" Mum asks.
"Nup. You know I get up earlier than them." I reply, biting into the toast that was placed in front of me. Mum sits down beside me and places her hand over mine, forcing me to look up at her.
"Things will get better, Tora." she smiles, "He'll realise what a jerk he was and crawl back to you." I raise an eyebrow.
"What makes everyone think something's wrong? There's nothing wrong." I say, finishing my breakfast and going for a shower. As the water heats up, I watch the steam fog up the mirror, and the girl beyond it holds up one finger.
'It only took one to break our heart.' she states.
-
'Cause the girl in my mirror is crying tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright
The girl in my mirror is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do
-
I couldn't last the freaking day without biting my lip to keep my tears at bay. All my friends knew that I was in pain, no matter how hard I denied it. I even saw him, looking at me like he hadn't broken my heart three months ago. I collapse in front of the mirror in the bathroom and stare at it, the girl there having the same haggard tear marks on her cheeks that I do. She lifts a hand and touches the cold glass of the mirror, myself doing the same thing.
"Things will look up." I tell myself, tearing my gaze from the mirror.
'How can you stay so positive?' the girl asks me.
"Because that's who I am. I'm the optimist in my circle of friends; I'm the one who always sees the sunshine in the storm!" I cannot believe I am arguing with some strange girl that I'm seeing in a mirror. She shakes her head at me.
'Things won't be the same,' she says, 'You know that.'
"Why are you crying, anyway?" I wipe my cheeks and stare at her a little longer than I normally do, a curious shape catching my eye. It was shaped like an elaborate heart, encased in thorny vines and black roses.
'We both know why our eyes are wet.'
"Stop playing with me!" I slam my fist down on the vanity, more tears splashing onto the marble surface. She looks at me sadly and places her hand on the glass again.
'Tora...' I look up at the girl, who is looking right back at me. She seems to be writing something on the mirror in what appears to be a red lipstick. The words are reversed, but lucky for me I know where another mirror is. I quickly duck down to the cabinet and pull out a small compact mirror and hold it up to the words to read them.
I wish there was something I could do.
-
If I could I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that she's feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade
So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
But when she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily
-
"What flavour would you like?"
"Hm...Strawberry please."
"Alright. Will you be alright in the car, Tora?"
"For crying out loud Dem, just go and get our food. There are several thick textbooks that I could use as defence, anyway." The blonde-haired teen chuckles and slides out of the car to head toward the grocery store. I sigh and lean back in the car seat, content with the silence. He's going in for pocky because we're going to heading back to his place to study for a music analysis test that's sometime next week, so this will probably be our second-to-last cram session.
'How can you move on?' I glance around, frightened, until I look up at the rear vision mirror. The girl sits in there, her eyes on mine, a sad look in them like all the other times I've seen her.
"I have not moved on," I hiss, "Demyx and I are going to his place to study for a test."
'Doesn't he live with him?' The thought struck me like a lightning bolt. I squeeze my eyes shut to stop myself from crying and claw at the air as if to get rid of the thought.
"Things will be alright. I can live without him." I tell myself firmly, looking out the window in case Demyx was heading back. The girl in the mirror didn't exactly look convinced of my statement.
'You're lying to yourself. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes.' she says, the sad look becoming sadder, 'It'll only be a matter of time before-'
"Shut up!" I say, "How do you know what I feel? For all you know, I could be seriously depressed about this whole situation! But I'm not! I'm looking for the silver lining!" The look in the girl's eyes tells me she doesn't believe me. I slump back in my seat and cross my arms as Demyx comes back to the car, a small plastic bag in his hand. He slides in and places the bag on my lap.
"Munny for your thoughts?" he asks. I risk a glance at the mirror, where the girl is still giving me that sad look. I shake my head and smile at him.
"Sugar deprivation." I reply, fishing a red box out of the bag and taking one of the pink sticks.
-
'Cause the girl in my mirror is crying tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright
The girl in my mirror is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
I wish there was something
Oh, I wish there was something I could do
I can't believe it's what I see
That the girl in the mirror
The girl in the mirror...
Is me
I can't believe what I see
The girl...
(You're the girl in the mirror)
The girl in the mirror is me
Oh, is me
-
"Oh my God..." I clap a hand over my mouth and stumble backwards, my back connecting with the cool glass of the shower door in Demyx's bathroom. The girl nods slowly and holds up a hand, a hand with blue nails. I gasp again and clap my other hand over my mouth.
'I am you...' she whispers.
"No...I've been arguing with myself..." I breathe, staring at my reflection in the mirror. The mirror me sighs and runs her hand through her hair. I feel tears spill over my hands as I continue to stare at myself in the mirror. I've been arguing both ways with myself for the past month; I can't believe it! I tell myself one thing, but my reflection tells me something else entirely! How can I have two different opinions running through my mind at the same time?
'Do you see why I've been following you?' Mirror-Me asks, 'I've been the pessimist to your optimist. I'm all your pent-up sorrow.'
"But...how can you be the sad me when the real me is feeling a little better about the whole thing?" I ask. Mirror-Me holds up her wrists, and I can see red lines carved into the soft flesh there. They look fresh; one was even slowly dripping. I grip the white vanity tightly, willing myself to forget the image.
'Don't fight me, Tora. Let me out...I beg you." Mirror-Me sounds like one of those slasher movie villains. I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut tighter.
"Go away..." I murmur.
'Let me out, Tora.'
"No!"
'I can be free...just say yes.' That was all it took for all the walls I'd built around myself to crumble. I lift my hand and curl it into a fist, slamming it into the mirror. There was screaming both from Mirror-Me and real me and a loud crash. Demyx runs into the bathroom and stares at the mess I made, both of the mirror and my hand.
"Tora, are you alright?" He kneels down to my level and lifts my bloodied hand gently, examining the cuts and scrapes on my knuckle. I nod slowly and look up at the broken piece of glass, my eyes hard and determined. 'I will not say yes to you, Mirror-Me,' I vow silently, 'Not now, not ever.'
"Demyx..." He looks at me with concerned aqua eyes, "I think I need help."
-
'Cause the girl in my mirror is crying tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright
The girl in my mirror is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
I wish there was something
Oh, I wish there was something I could do
-
Rune laughs and passes me the barbeque sauce, and I slather it all over my spare ribs. Ryu flicks at a stray strand of his black hair in his eyes and looks down at my wrists. Ever since I told my family that I was on the verge of being classed as 'at risk' a while ago, they've all been paranoid that I'll end up slitting my wrists for real. My psychologist, a silver-haired man named Sephiroth, is a really nice man. He explains everything that I tell him, even the whole issue with the mirror. He bought me coffee when I told him I punched my friend's mirror, only because – and I quote – I was the first client he'd had who had done something like that without resorting to self-harm.
"So how did your last session go, Tora?" Mum asks me.
"It wasn't too bad. A lot of the stuff I can't exactly talk to you about due to the whole confidentiality thing, but he did say that he was thinking of easing from four to three sessions a week." I reply, swatting at the hand on my plate, "Get your own, Demyx."
"Aw..." He pouts, and I think it's the cutest thing in the world.
"Why didn't you ask for help sooner?" Rune asks. I stare at my plate, my bandaged hand just poking into my line of vision. Flashes of what I'd been through run through my mind's eye, Mirror-Me centred in all of them.
"I thought I could handle it." I reply softly, "I honestly thought I was stronger than diamond."
"Well, we all know you're not, so..." Demyx holds up his cup of fizzy drink and grins, "To Tora, for admitting she needed help even when the rest of us were this close to admitting her anyway." He holds up his fingers to indicate how close, and I pout. Everyone else clinks cups of drink, and my pout melts into a smile. Demyx leans over and presses a gentle kiss to my temple, and I blush. 'I guess the girl in the mirror isn't exactly me,' I think.
'Keep telling yourself that,' a voice in the back of my head whispers.
-
DISCLAIMER: The disclaimer applies to the characters of 'Kingdom Hearts' – Disney and SquareEnix – the song 'Girl In The Mirror' – Britney Spears – and Tora and her family – me.