Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!
Summary: After the break up, Brendan feels one goodbye wasn't enough.
A/N: Bit of a sad fic, sorry!
Goodbye
Brendan leant his head against the wall, taking deep breaths and attempting to steady himself. It really was goodbye, and yet he still felt a lingering doubt. He knew that Stephen was on the other side of that wall, waiting. He wanted Brendan to make the first move, like he always did. But this time it was out of Brendan's hands. He knew what had to be done and Stephen was going to have to deal with that, just like he was.
He heard the door open and then slam shut. Brendan closed his eyes, wincing at the sound. Even now he hoped that Stephen wouldn't be too obviously upset and begin to arouse suspicion. A secret part of him however wanted Stephen to make a scene; it gave Brendan a thrill that he couldn't describe. Almost the same thrill he'd gotten when Stephen had said those three words…
He shook his head and wiped away the moisture from his eyes. He felt himself move off of the wall and towards the door. He lingered a moment before opening it, smelling Stephen's scent where he'd been standing only moments before. Automatically Brendan reached for the door handle and strode into the club. He could see people, laughing and drinking, having a good time. He couldn't focus on the faces, to tell the truth his mind was fixated on just one.
He hesitated for a moment; debating whether to go and get a drink, or to carry on working behind the bar. He decided on neither. He walked resolutely to the door, not caring that he didn't tell anyone where he was going. They could take care of things. He really didn't give a shit. The cold air hit his face and he became aware of the fact that he wasn't wearing a jacket. He walked on regardless, not really caring where he was going.
He found himself walking past the dog, past the pond where he'd dumped Danny's body. He leant against the railings, looking into the murky water, completely lost in thought. After everything he had done for the boy, this was how it had to end. It didn't feel right somehow. The goodbye didn't feel complete. Whatever the hell that meant. Brendan abandoned the pond and continued walking through the village. Should he go home? What would be the point? All that would be waiting for him there was a cold, empty bed. Cheryl was out tonight. Brendan felt a pang of regret. Even though he couldn't tell his sister what was really going on, it would have been nice to have her there, as comfort.
He didn't go home though. He found himself walking away from the village, in a direction he was familiar with. He walked all the way to the council estate and just stood there. There were no lights on inside Stephen's flat. That was unusual. Amy and Rae must have taken the kids somewhere, it wasn't really that late. But where was Stephen? Brendan walked towards the door and knocked. What was he doing here? What had brought him here?
He heard the distant sound of shuffling inside the flat. Ah, so there was someone in. He knocked again, louder this time.
"Go away" he heard a voice shout out dismally. Brendan froze. It was Stephen.
Now would have been the time to walk away, to stick to what he'd said earlier. But some force of gravity prevailed upon him to make him stay there; made him speak out to the voice inside the flat.
"It's me, Stephen. Let me in, please". His voice felt rough, unnatural. He heard the sound of footsteps and the door unlocking. He didn't know what he was going to do or say when he saw him, he hadn't prepared for this. He was here purely on impulse.
Stephen opened the door, his hair slightly ruffled, his eyes red obviously from crying. A few stray tears remained on his eyelashes. Brendan's breath caught in his throat. They stood there, staring at each other, neither one of them knowing what to say. Brendan took the decisive action; he gently pushed past Stephen until he was inside the flat. He was cold anyway. Stephen mutely let him past and closed the door shut behind him. Brendan didn't venture any further than the hallway.
"You alone?" He asked quietly, part of him not really caring either way. Stephen nodded, eyes downcast on the floor, he was still crying, Brendan noticed.
Brendan found himself pulling the boy towards him, wrapping his arms around his skinny frame and holding him there tightly. Stephen cried even harder. Brendan rubbed soothing circles into his back with one hand while the other held Stephen gently on the back of his head. He didn't know how to make this better; didn't know how to stop the boy from hurting, or himself.
They stood there for what felt like an age. Brendan was reluctant to let go. Stephen eventually stopped crying and merely sniffled. Brendan drew back slightly to look into his face. Stephen averted his gaze. Brendan put his hand underneath his chin and brought his face up to look at him.
"Why did you come here?" Stephen asked quietly, his voice slightly hoarse.
"I don't know" Brendan admitted softly, not taking his hand away from Stephen's face.
"You're making this harder" Stephen accused, sounding utterly broken.
"I'm sorry…" Brendan began to draw away but Stephen held on tight.
"Don't go, not yet. Please"
Brendan didn't need telling twice. "Okay" he agreed. "Let's get away from the door though". Stephen nodded and moved away from Brendan, leading him into the living room.
They sat down next to each other on the sofa, Brendan had one arm slung across the top of the sofa and Stephen settled himself into him, his arms wrapped around his stomach, his head resting on his chest. Brendan sighed and put the arm from around the chair across Stephen's waist.
"I shouldn't have come" Brendan said.
"Then why did you?"
"Impulse I guess"
"I thought you were just using me?" Stephen said, barely accusatory.
Brendan laughed darkly. "Yeah… I couldn't even convince myself on that one"
Brendan saw Stephen smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"This is still goodbye, isn't it?" He asked sadly.
Brendan coughed uncomfortably. "It has to be" he said gruffly, absently rubbing his hand against Stephen's thigh.
Stephen didn't protest, surprisingly. Some part of him must have known that what Brendan said was true. It was an uncomfortable truth.
"How did we get ourselves into this mess?" Stephen asked, sighing.
Brendan chuckled. "My fault I guess… couldn't resist that tiny wee arse of yours"
Stephen chuckled. "Shut it, you"
They were silent for a moment.
"I don't think it'll ever really be goodbye, with us" Stephen said quietly, self-consciously.
"Oh you don't, do ya?" Brendan was starting to feel uncomfortable.
"No, I don't. We always seem to find our way back to each other"
"I thought it was only on my terms" Brendan said ironically.
"Not always, mostly, but not always…" Stephen trailed off, sounding upset.
Brendan removed himself from the sofa. Stephen looked up at him, shocked and hurt but he'd misinterpreted the action.
Brendan stretched out a hand. "Let's say goodbye properly, yer?"
Stephen eagerly accepted and allowed Brendan to take him to the bedroom. They closed the door behind them and Brendan made himself stand closely in front of Stephen, drinking him in. He placed a hand on the back of Stephen's neck, stroking the hairs there. Stephen closed his eyes contentedly. Brendan moved forwards slowly, tasting the air between them. His lips were inches from Stephen's; he felt his breath mingle with his own and enjoyed the sensation of it. He finally claimed Stephen's lips, intending to be gentle but his arousal got the better of him and it ended up passionate.
His tongue tasted Stephen's and lingered inside his mouth. He had both hands positioned on the back of Stephen's neck, bringing him closer. Stephen's hands were on his waist and he gently began to remove Brendan's trousers slowly, as though savouring every moment of it. Brendan moved his own hands down Stephen's body slowly, causing the boy to shiver at the contact. He broke the kiss to allow them to undress themselves and once they were fully naked, he claimed Stephen's mouth again, desperate in his need to feel every sensation the boy produced in him.
He pushed Stephen gently against the bed and lay on top of him, his fingers making their way downwards, grasping Stephen's member in between his fingers. Stephen moaned and grasped for Brendan's face, pulling him down into another long kiss. Brendan removed his hand from Stephen's groin area and moved downwards, caressing, inviting, preparing. He felt Stephen stiffen and moan as his fingers worked their magic, prising him open. Grasping a condom and lubricant from the bedside cabinet, Brendan prepared himself and slowly slipped inside Stephen, overwhelmed by the feel of him inside. He was gentler than usual, savouring every moment. Stephen touched whatever part of skin he could find, his fingers ghosting over Brendan's flesh, making him shiver. Brendan felt as though he were tracing lines into his very soul. When he began to feel the climax building, he grabbed Stephen in his hands again, bringing them both to that place together.
Removing himself, Brendan lay back on the bed, Stephen beside him panting heavily. Stephen gently tugged at Brendan, urging him to get under the covers. Brendan quickly cleaned himself up and obliged. The minute he slipped inside the covers Stephen drew himself swiftly against his chest, acting as though he had nothing to lose by showing such intimacy. Brendan was too tired to argue, he allowed Stephen to wrap himself against him, and it felt nice, in a sad kind of way.
He could tell that Stephen was close to drifting off, he didn't allow himself the same luxury.
"Love you" Stephen whispered sleepily. Brendan didn't react; he knew it would be pointless. Besides, the boy had already fallen asleep.
He waited a few minutes then extricated himself from Stephen, attempting to dress himself even though his hands were shaking. Once he had however he looked at the peaceful boy, totally oblivious in sleep to his heartbreak. He'd wake up in a few hours, alone or to Rae beside him. The thought made Brendan sick. What he wouldn't give to climb back into bed, Rae and Amy be damned. But he knew he couldn't. Instead he silently made his way to the bedroom door and with a whispered "goodbye", he walked away, hopefully this time for good.