Take Me To Church
There was something in her eyes. He saw a spark of something in her eyes. Something he remembered vaguely from their younger days. It reminded him of the beach, her… so carefree. It reminded him of late nights at the ranch with a bonfire and her dancing. It reminded him of the intensity and depth of his feelings. It was fleeting, gone before he even fully processed it.
*x*
"Fitz," Mellie breathed his name, her voice catching at the end as she fell to him. They were walking along the beach and it was dusk. It was the second year of their marriage. She walking on a fence as she hummed, just slightly above him. They held hands and his tightened on hers when she began to fall. He brought her to his chest and they stumbled backwards. The melody of her laughter filled the air until she looked into his eyes and suddenly the air shifted. He looked deep into her eyes and said earnestly, "I'll love you forever." She brought a hand to his face and caressed his cheek, "para siempre mi amor," she said.
He gently kissed her then twirled her around while chuckling. He brought her down and tapped the tip of her nose lightly, "remember Cyrus said not to do that." "But he's not here right now," she said cheekily. "Show off," he said as she spun away from him towards the water. She smirked at him and lifted her dress carelessly throwing it behind her as she waded into the water. He followed her into the inky waters, thankful that this was a secluded part of the beach.
*x*
"Mellie," he said whilst he moved his hand to grip her shoulder. He simply couldn't imagine letting Andrew go. Plus they could spin this, they had always managed to spin these things. Then she asked him what he wanted.
*x*
"He's perfect… just like his mama," Fitz said as he held his new-born son. He was sitting next to Mellie on her hospital bed. Mellie looked at him and something… some emotion he couldn't quite place flashed in her eyes before she looked down at the baby in his arms.
"He is," she said ending the word on a sigh. She brought a finger to run down the baby's pink cheek. He kissed her temple and then her lips. "Thank you," he said when she looked at him and again that thing filled her eyes. It set him on edge slightly but he put it down to her just having had the baby and he continued to revel in his son's flawlessness until he woke up angry and hungry, demanding in no uncertain terms to be fed. He'd remained that way even as he grew, peaceful only until he wanted something or was disturbed.
*x*
Jerry was all he could think about when she asked what he really wanted and he suspected it would always be that way. The pain never lessened, it just sort of faded to the background. It remained there like a rabid dog snarling as it fought against its chain to be free but certainly not fading into the background.
He held Mellie to him as the pain came front and centre. He almost missed Mellie's, "what do want… that you can actually have? What do you want that feels possible?"
There were a number of things that he wanted… few seemed possible. He wanted his marriage to have never been ruined. He wanted to turn back the clock and make everything better. He wanted to bring his father back just so he could kill him with his bare hands.
*x*
"Just don't Fitz," Mellie sighed and shrugged off the hand he had placed on her shoulder. "Let's just not… not tonight, I'm tired and let's just not," she said and he could hear the exhaustion in every word.
For some reason he was incensed by her words. "Don't what? Touch you? Talk to you? What exactly is it I shouldn't do?" His voice was rising as he lost control of his emotions. She fixed an emotionless look on her face, one he was growing more and more accustomed to lately. "Damn it! You're my wife," he said pleadingly as he held her hands, "and I just… I just want us back."
"Fitz I told you, maybe a few months" she began with that same expressionless look on her face and he exploded, cutting her off.
"You've been saying that for over a year, I don't believe you," he shouted. "Who is he? I know you must be screwing someone. I know just how often you need it," he said as he entered her personal space. He came right up to her, his face a mere breath away from hers. "So who's whore are you?" he saw her flinch at his statement but he was too angry to care.
"Fitz you'll wake Jerry keep quiet," she said through clenched teeth. "I don't care what you believe Fitz," she said as she narrowed her eyes. That same haunted look flickered in her eyes even as they flashed in anger. "This is us baby," she said with a hand on his cheek and a sickly sweet smile on her lips, "the new us." She dragged a nail underneath his chin as she turned and walked towards their bathroom.
*x*
"Liv… home… safe," he said and felt her nodding against his chest. When she directed him to ask her what she wanted he had the desire to chuckle but the swirl and press of emotions coursing through him would not allow the laugh to crack the gloomy clouds within him. It was quintessential Mellie. Forceful. Determined. Assertive.
*x*
"I think we're being set up," she had whispered to him the very night they met. He had dismissed her, not enjoying the idea of his father choosing who he dated because nothing good could come of that. However she piqued his curiosity when she whispered the words lowly to him. "You're going to have to talk to me, I already know you're handsome… now I want to know what's inside your pretty head beneath those beautiful curls…" she'd said without a hint of a blush or batting an eye.
He'd fallen in love with her then and there.
Of course he didn't know it right then but later when he would try to pinpoint the moment that's when he'd discover it. She'd simply demanded his love without even knowing it, probably completely unintentionally.
He couldn't quite remember if he'd stared dumbfounded at her with his mouth open or not and she had refused to tell him over the years. It had evolved into a game for them, one which kept them close… until it just didn't.
*x*
"I want to be the President of the United States, I want to run the world," she said, drawing out the last word. And there it was again. That look in her eyes.
Of course he could see the determination; the defiance; the strength. But he also saw the spark of fire, her passion. The spirit within her that burned and had attracted him to her all those years ago. The same spirit that made the American people fall in love with her over and over again. It was then that he knew with unwavering certainty that if this is what she truly wanted, she would most definitely become the first female Commander-in-Chief.
He searched her face looking for what? The girl he had met in Boston so many years ago? The woman who had fought to not entirely lose herself after such a horrifying experience. The woman who'd fought for and with him for almost as long as she had known him.
What he found was the beautiful mix of all those pieces of her. She was beautifully complex and despite his love for Liv he had stronger feelings for his wife. Feelings he couldn't analyse for the fear of self-destruction that he knew would surely follow if he admitted and consolidated the truths he knew about his wife, her past, their present and possibly their future.
There were no absolutes with Mellie. He was just coming to realise he quite liked that, amongst other things, about her. She was going to change the world not just run it, he was absolutely sure of that.
I should I have worshipped her sooner
If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece