I open my eyes, and I can see him. He's looking at me, really looking at me. I almost forgot what it was like to be in his arms. I don't want this moment to end, but I know it will. He wants me to say it, to say something. But I cant. I won't. I won't ruin this. I need him.
say something
"Say something, I'm giving up on you."
I never thought it would happen. I never thought Stiles of all people would leave me. He's always been there for me, putting my needs before anyone else's. He's in love with me I know that, so why isn't he here now?
It started subtly. He had become distant, he wouldn't look me in the eye for too long, and he would never stand too close. Almost like he's afraid to breathe the same air. I have always feared I would lose him, but I've just never prepared myself. I didn't know it would feel like this. I didn't know I cared this much.
"I'll be the one, if you want me to."
When I saw him, happy and smiling..without me, It felt like all the air had been snatched from my lungs, and I didn't know how to breathe anymore.
How could I have not seen the signs? Why didn't I see him slipping away? I could held him tighter, I could have saved us, I could have stopped this endless heartbreak if I had just opened my eyes.
"Anywhere I would've followed you."
When I look at things I realize that if I were Stiles, I would've turned my back on me ages ago. He told me he loved me, and I ignored him. I bounced around with guys after guys, and he was still there to hold my hand when they left. He was still there, even when he knew damn well it would hurt him less if he would have just left along with them.
I'm selfish. I'm needy. I'm...insecure. Maybe I always have been insecure, but with Stiles he made me feel amazing. He made feel perfect, and now that's he gone. I feel nothing.
"Say something, I'm giving up on you."
"And I am feeling so small."
I didn't know if I would ever be strong enough to do it, to go against what my heart has been telling is right for so long. I didn't think I'd ever love again, not after Lydia. I still dont. I still don't understand. I cherished every waking second I had with her, I tried my best to make her smile. I tried to be everything for her, but she never appreciated me. She never thanked me, or asked me whats wrong when I was the one upset for a change. I didn't think it was possible to even feel that small.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone so unconditionally and get nothing in return.
"It was over my head, I know nothing at all."
But I am strong enough, I walked away from her. I wasn't needed there, and it shouldn't have taken me that long to see it. I don't even know why I stayed for that long.
"And I will stumble and fall."
"I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl."
It's been a month and eight days since Stiles has spoken to me. I steal a few glances in the hallway but that's it. He looks away before I can even read his eyes. I can't do this anymore. I know it makes sense that he's doing this, but it hurts so much. Too much. Why does it hurt so much?
"Lydia."
Why does it hurt so much? Why?
"Lydia?"
I look up to find everyone in history, including Stiles, staring at me, and my teacher looking at me worriedly. "I, uh, yeah?"
"I asked you a question." She said to me, crossing her arms.
My heart starts to beat fast, and suddenly I can't remember anything I learned from the multiple books I've studied throughout my life. There are voices in head, screaming back and forth -I can't hear, I can't focus. 'What's the answer Lydia? What did she ask you Lydia? Why are you so nervous Lydia? Why does it hurt so much Lydia?'
I can tears streaming down my face, and I feel like I'm going to die. It's so loud and I want to scream, I'm going to scream. I can't control it, what's happening to me? I close my eyes, and I press my hands against my ears tightly.
"Lydia are you alright?"
"Lydia?"
"Lydia?"
"Lydia?"
And the suddenly it stops. The classroom is quiet, the voices are dulled, and I can feel someone embracing me into their arms, telling me it's alright.
My heart calms, and time freezes. I feel safe, and loved. I don't want to leave this embrace. The urge to scream goes away, the fear goes away. I can hear the one voice that I've wanted to hear for such a long time now. It's Stiles.
"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you."
"I'll take her to the nurse." Stiles says, and then we're out the classroom and in the lockeroom in a matter of seconds.
I open my eyes, and I can see him. He's looking at me, really looking at me. I almost forgot what it was like to be in his arms.
"I miss you Stiles." I choke out, tears streaming down my face.
He says nothing, and it's expected, but it still hurts. Stings even.
"Please Stiles." I beg, wiping at my face. "Please, just talk to me."
"What do you want me to say Lydia? I miss you too? You hurt me." He says bitterly. "It's all you do. You hurt me constantly and you don't care."
"No, I do. Stiles I'm so sorry. I care, I promise you I care." I say, tears streaming down my face.
"I told you I loved you, and you laughed in my face. Don't you understand how much it hurts me to see you kiss someone else? To touch someone else? Don't you understand how much it hurts me when you're crying because someone broke your heart again?" Stiles says, hurt etched in his words.
Lydia was stunned, she wasn't ready to hear all of this, though she knew it was true. "Stiles stop. Please, I'm sor-"
She wouldn't stop apologizing, and that only fueled his anger. "Stop? I cant!" He responds angrily." I wish I loved anyone but you, I've tried to stop. To forget about you. You're like a phantom beauty, constantly haunting me when I close my eyes."
I'm at a loss for words. I wasn't prepared for such a confession, I'm not prepared for any of this. I'm not ready. The last time I gave someone my heart, he broke it over and over. I gave Jackson everything, but he still broke me. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this small.
"Anywhere I would've followed you."
"I- Stiles, I-" I say shakily, trying to calm my tears.
"Just stop talking." He says, before capturing my lips.
"Say something, I'm giving up on you."
And I'm kissing him back before I can even process whats going on. Its a hungry kiss, filled with anger and passion.
He tears his mouth away from mine. "Don't pretend that you don't feel this Lydia."
I close my eyes, knowing the inevitable is going to happen. He is going to leave me. Forever.
"Stiles stop. Please." I beg, tears cascading down my cheeks. " Please, just hold me. Why do we have to ruin this?"
Everything get's ruined when you put your whole heart into it.
"It's already ruined." He responds, his face falling. For a second my heart stopped because he sounded just like how he did when I was trapped with void Stiles.
"I love you Stiles, I care for you." I say to him wide eyed. "I just can't love you in the way you want me to. But I care for you I do, I need you."
Stiles turns his head away, moving away from me.
"You need me, but you don't want me." He sighed. He looked sad and defeated. "I think it's time I find someone who does."
And when he walks away, I know that nothing will ever be the same. I'm utterly and completely alone. Alone with my insecurities, alone with my thoughts, and alone with these voices.
I can't stop crying, and this urge, this scream I can't stop it. I collapse to ground, clenching my stomach, screaming.
But for the first time there was no sound.
"You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye."
A/N- hey hey hey
this is pretty random, but i hope you like it. so yeahhh
if there are mistakes please ignore them
say something- a great big world
please review thankss lots