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Losing Faith

As the snowflakes fell upon the earth softly, only one person watched them with interest. The playground was currently unmoving and quiet. The still cold air was biting but comforting at the same time. Castiel sighed lightly as he sat upon the bench sitting across from the playground. He had been here before but last time the equipment had been crawling with children. It had been noisy and full of life but the angel liked it either way. He just wished everything could be as simple as this was.

Every time Castiel had the chance to stop and look around him, he saw the beauty that his father had created and it always took his breath away. He did know evil existed in the world but much of it was still good. None of it could compete with the goodness he knew in all life.

Slowly, Castiel's bright blue eyes glanced over his surroundings. The dark grey and maroon equipment sat untouched under layers of snow and the trees stood open and leafless. He even considered these things to be beautiful. How could they be considered anything else?

Castiel's breathing hitched in his throat as he felt his vessel's heart skip a beat. It made him almost certain that feelings had a human heart of their own, pumping their intentions through the bloodstream. Castiel sighed again, watching his warm breath float on the cold mid-morning air.

Eventually his thoughts once again turned to the reasons why he was down on this earth for the first time in many, many years. He had a job to complete and although he wasn't doing it alone, it almost felt like it and despite all of his own doubts, he didn't want Lucifer to return and destroy his father's creations.

Many times he wondered what it would be like if he did break free. Would his father finally do something more? There were only so many warriors of God to do his work. Did he expect them to do this alone? The army of hell could be virtually limitless. He didn't want to see the wistful oceans of the world turn red or the blue sky blackened by the fires of hell.

Lately, he had been questioning himself on what was right and what was wrong. Somewhere along the once clear line everything seemed to blur and blend together. When he closed his eyes he could only imagine how it would be if the apocalypse came crashing down around them; the screaming, the bodies, the smells, the painfully awful sight of something beautiful disappearing in a blaze of smoke and fire. It shouldn't be the way that everything came to an end.

Everything gone, destroyed, just because of one fallen angel. Whenever Castiel thought of Lucifer, he felt nothing but anger. He hated feeling that way though. It wasn't how an angel of the Lord should feel towards others, no matter who they were. Of course, he could pretend to be above mortals and demons, like most of his kin, but that was wrong, wasn't it?

Castiel knew perfectly well what Lucifer believed in. He never openly showed his view to his superiors but he would to his equals. He knew some of them worshipped him while others envied him. When Lucifer was cast out of heaven an uneasy silence fell upon their paradise. Castiel remembered that day like it was yesterday. It was a hard thing to forget. His father had been exceedingly livid.

But it was such a long time ago however no one forgot it. The echo of it remained for years on end. All warriors kept themselves and each other in line. Eventually things did settle but Castiel was sure things weren't over. He was sure his father knew it too but nothing else changed. The ringleader was gone and no one stepped forward to take his place.

Castiel exhaled heavily, suddenly feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders as he leaned against the back of the bench. He thought of the last conversation he had with his departed brother. The words resonated a few times over.

'My work is conversion. How long have we waited here? How long have we played this game, by rules that make no sense?'

'It is our father's world-'

'Our father! He stopped being that if he ever was the moment he created them, humanity, his favourites; swingeing, puking lava.'

'Are you trying to convert me?'

'I've wanted you to join me and I still do. With you we can be powerful enough to-'

'To...?'

'To raise our brother.'

'Lucifer...'

'You do remember him? How strong he was? How beautiful? And he didn't bow to humanity. He was punished for defending us. Now, if you want to believe in something Cas, believe in him.'

'Lucifer is not God.'

'God isn't God anymore. He doesn't care what we do, I am proof of that.'

'But this...? What were you going to do Uriel? Were you going to kill the whole garrison?'

'I only killed the ones who said no. Others have joined me Cas, now brother, please don't fight me. Help me. Help me spread the word; help me bring on the apocalypse. All you have to do is be unafraid.'

But for now the words rung hollow. Many times Castiel wondered if his father or his superiors knew of the things to come, if more could have been done to stop it. Maybe if God had done stepped in earlier than there would have been no need for any of this. He wouldn't have had to come down to Earth, disrupt people's lives and bring destruction of his own.

He wished none of this had happened. Many of his brothers and sisters were dead and many more died every day and one of them had been trying to convert others to Lucifer's side. Castiel leaned forwards again and hung his head to look at the watery ground. Did Uriel's words hold some truth?

He frowned faintly, why did his brother even have to ask if he remembered Lucifer? Even though he wasn't spoken of no one forgot him. Slowly, Castiel looked up again over the playground. His shoulders arched slightly as though feeling the bite of the cold.

'For reality to prevail one must see beyond the past.'

The words no longer gave Castiel any comfort. They were now empty and meaningless. Anna had spoken them to him years ago when they were in heaven. He had been listening to some of Lucifer's worshippers and Anna must have sensed his hesitation. As a superior she was quite understanding, well, compared to many of the others, she was. She pushed him back into line and since then he hadn't questioned it.

But now that was changing too. He was beginning to question everything he once believed. Was his faith waning? Now, he wondered what reality Anna was referring to. Was it the only one he truly knew, which was heaven? Or was it everything else, everything that was around him now. Quickly, a sigh of frustration left him. It was nothing short of confusing. It almost amazed him at how humans managed to cope with feelings and doubts of their own.

'I have questions. I have doubts. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore.'

Castiel's own words echoed in his head. He almost felt guilty in wanting to disobey, to actually speak those words. Castiel knew that for now, whatever was going to come would come. He remembered telling Uriel that they were the agents of fate, and he had spoken truthfully and yet still, even he questioned his own fate.

As Castiel slowly got to his feet he took one more look around. There were things he needed to get back to and one of them was lying in hospital, broken and hurt because of him. He took a foolish risk at the cost of the human in his charge and he needed to see with his own eyes that he was alright.

A/N: I'm sorry if this wasn't very good but thank you for reading. Please Review.