Ok, here we go. Resident Evil is a game. Someone owns it. I have no idea who, but whoever it is isn't me. Do you see what I'm getting at here? Owner of Resident Evil, me. Two different people. One is a bit better than the other. Which one is up to you. Read on.
This is the story of Jeffe Mendeglia. For my personal sanity I'll call him Jeff. Jeff is a quiet man, he doesn't say much. Then again, I suppose nobody in his quiet little corner of Notspain has much to talk about. Jeff is a relatively average Notspaniard. He makes his living farming, he takes care of his wife and children, and he tends to the giant evil worm living in his head. The worm in Jeff's head is called Frank, and Frank makes Jeff do things he really doesn't want to. Sometimes, Jeff's head will explode so that Frank can look around, or eat Americans. Jeff's life was more or less a peaceful one, until one day when a mean American guy came to town. He killed Jeff and his friends, stepped on all the worms, murdered Jeff's pet fish, slaughtered massive retards, put several exterminators out of work, killed everyone's dogs, stabbed a midget in the hand, and even killed their church group. After that he stole their only jet-ski and went back to a sunny island resort with his new girlfriend while Jeff and his friends were left dead and scattered throughout the once beautiful Notspanish landscape. Soon after this horrible massacre, a passing drifter found and salvaged the last record of the existence of Notspain. Jeff's personal journal. This journal has been translated and edited for public viewing. Enjoy.
Confession of a Resi 4 "Zombie". Entry 1.
Day 1
Dear Journal,
I've decided to keep a journal of my life's events so that people in the future will feel less bad about their crappy lives knowing that mine was worse. Today I found out that 4 of my chickens ran away. That made me very sad. I fell into a state of depression that it seemed nothing could ease. I went to the local doctor, Salvador. He told me that my problem was not physical, it was in my head. I asked him how I could get it out of my head and he cut off my balls with his magical buzz-sword. It's hard to be depressed when someone's dismembering your gonads. Anyway, once that horrible episode was over I went to church as I usually do when I'm feeling down. I met up with Osmund Saddler, and we talked about headworms for hours. I have no clue why that guy likes headworms so much. Once church got out I wandered around the town till I got bored, then went home to sleep. I realized I couldn't sleep, and that's what brought me to this point I guess. I think I'll try to sleep again, maybe tomorrow will be better…
Day 2
Dear Journal,
This has been the strangest day of my life. The villagers insisted we get a giant pet fish. I don't understand why, but they named it Del Lago. Now here's my question. It's weird enough that we have a very aggressive giant fish swimming around in a lake that we HAVE to cross when moving about the Notspanish area, but why did they name it "From the lake"? I think Bubbles would have been just as good a name. Besides, he's not "from" the lake, he just lives there. Why didn't they call him Del Petco? Oh well, their choice I guess. I was going to go fishing today, but the mood is gone now. I'm just going to sleep for the rest of the day, maybe something eventful will happen tomorrow.
Day 3
Dear Journal,
Something happened. Something bad. Today they found Mark running around town naked screaming about onion men. They took him up to that creepy castle where that midget lives. We didn't hear from him for awhile, so I went to investigate. What I found was mortifying. Mark's eyes had been cut out, and large claws had been krazy-glued to his hands. The evil midget, Ramon Salazar, was throwing cucumbers and watching Mark slice them up. I myself enjoyed a delicious garden salad before fleeing to tell the villagers about what had happened. None of them believed me. Instead they kicked me in the head.
Day 4
Dear Journal,
I spent the day hanging around with Verdugo. It was fun for awhile but when we went to get ice cream he got all dramatic and stopped moving. I knew he was just messing around but just to be funny I shot him in the head with a rocket launcher. I'll miss Verdugo…
Day 5
Deer JurNal,
Tooday we got a wurm poot in are heds. Myne iz kalld Frank. They sed thare wil be side affex two the opparayshun. Thay shood ware off bye toomarro.
Day 6
Dear Journal,
We had a good day today. We went and did a bit of shopping in town. While we were out we bumped into Anne. She was doing well, better than we were. That just wouldn't do. We stabbed her in the head with a pitchfork. Once we were done we went to the church to worship Saddler. We love Saddler. We feel very angry lately, and we wonder what it could be. A lot of giant dudes were shipped in from Switzerland. They smell like eggs.
Day 7
Dear Journal,
Today we won a free island vacation. We figured it would be awesome, but when we got there the island was full of squishy mouth-breathers that wouldn't SHUT UP. One perk was that they regenerated their limbs almost instantly, so we dismember them for awhile until it got boring. Then we stole a jet-ski and rode around for awhile before heading back to Notspain. Upon arriving we went back home to rest. It's been a long day.
Day 8
Dear Journal,
A car has just pulled up down the road. A CAR! We don't get a lot of cars through here. We hope it isn't a bunch of tourists. That would suck. Well whoever it is, they're going to be SO happy when we put a worm in their head. These things are AWESOME. It looks like someone is coming over here now. He looks American, that's cool. Doesn't look like a tourist though, I think he's a cop. Well he's in the house now, so I should cut this one short. I'm going to introduce myself to my new American friend. Maybe he'd like to see the new axe I bought yesterday, I heard Americans like weaponry. This is the happiest day of my life!
When this journal was recovered, it was obvious that there would be no more entries. The American intruder killed poor Jeff along with the entire population of Notspain. What kind of horrible person would do such a thing? Sometimes, one just wishes there were some sort of hero or protagonist to stop these evildoers. It seems such things only exist in movies and video games.