I've been a fan of Doctor Who literally since I was a little girl, wayyyy back many years ago. Adore that the Doctor has cycled back into popularity, and that there is a darkness there.
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I don't know if I would want to believe in karma or not. Although I've done many good things in my life, and helped a lot of people, I've also done many, many bad things. So many bad things that I just don't know if it would all even out in the end. Even though I did those awful things for a cause, for a bigger purpose, it doesn't change what they were at their heart. To the beings I've killed, to their families, I'm the monster.
I'm a killer. A machine. Most of the time I can walk away, erase the faces from my mind, justify their sacrifice as necessary or deserved. I've gotten good at that. If I let every single one into my heart I would have flown into oblivion hundreds of years ago. My days are long enough, hard enough, without the added guilt. But there have been a few, a select few, who I can't forget. They are stuck in my memory, they sometimes sneak in and shake me, steal my sleep. And when I remember those few, those few who managed to burn themselves into my soul, I feel like not much more than a murderer. A fallen angel of death.
No one would believe I think these things. I have walls behind my eyes to hide them. In the life that I live weakness equals death, so I have to hide these feelings away, push them down deep. I need to be strong, untouchable. They all depend on me to do that. I can't fall apart. I couldn't share these things anyway. They're my penance, the cross to bear that I have earned.
Do the ends justify the means? Does the good I may have done outweigh the bad? Is there any such thing as a just sacrifice? I've been a dervish of destruction, wreaking havoc, ruining lives. Even though I did it for the greater good, can I ever be absolved? Or will I end up becoming a monster all my own?