Regret
It was a strange and difficult thing to think about, but there was actually a time in his past when he wasn't lonely. Well, now he could see that he wasn't as lonely as what he had felt. Until he ruined it, that is. It had been a mistake, one the biggest mistakes of his life and he still regretted it to this very day.
He looked out at the horizon and inwardly sighed. Why hadn't he of seen it at the time? Why couldn't he stop himself? It killed him inside just thinking about it.
There had been a girl, a very beautiful girl. She had long light brown hair and stunningly bright blue eyes. She had also been the only person that wasn't afraid of him. She knew what he was and what he was capable of doing, but she still trusted him with her life and she cared for him when no one else did.
That was another reason why he had completely lost it.
He didn't realise it at the time, but he cared for the girl. He truly cared for her. Without even thinking about it, he protected her and kept her safe from the assassins and other ninjas who tried to kill her because of her friendship with him.
Gaara looked down at the ground as he frowned. Why couldn't he have seen back then that she wasn't an enemy or someone who wished to harm him? Why couldn't he have seen that she wasn't trying to trick him into trusting her or forming bonds just to hurt him?
Of course, he already knew why. It was because he was a cold hearted murderer. Gaara wasn't like that anymore, but he had been. There was no denying it and there was no changing the past.
His friendship with the girl had been as easy as breathing. Ever since she saw him sat on the swings by himself at the park, they had been friends and that had been well over ten years ago. She saw that he had been lonely and he could see that she was lonely too. They were always together and they always stood up for one another. She had been there when he lost it, but she wasn't afraid. In fact, she was intrigued. That alone made him feel accepted for the first time in his entire life. He hadn't realised until it was too late that he had an extremely deep bond with her.
They had been arguing over something that was so incredibly stupid that he couldn't even remember what it was about. But whatever it was, it caused him to lose his control and the Shukaku was released. It was only the hand that had been released at the time, but it was enough to kill her. The strange thing was, was that he never even saw a flicker of fear in her eyes. It still confused him to this day.
Why hadn't she been afraid? It was obvious that she was going to die, but she wasn't scared in the slightest. In fact, her eyes only showed him pity and acceptance. Had she accepted the fact that her death by his hand was inevitable? Had she known all along that she could die if he lost control for even a second? Gaara shook his head. No, she completely trusted him. How could someone who trusted him accept the fact that they were most likely going to be killed by him? He just couldn't understand.
It was no secret that he had been a monster, but he had never been as bad as what he had been before he changed. Sure, he was angry and alone, but he had her to help him with that. After he had killed her, it all changed. Gaara never wanted to feel that sort of pain again so he learned to keep himself distant from others and he also learned how to only fight for himself and to love only himself. The pain he felt from her death was excruciating and if he was completely honest, it still was. No matter how hard he tried to forget, it just seemed impossible.
Would she be disappointed in him? Would she be disgusting with him because of all the people he had murdered? Would she be angry that he had murdered them all just to confirm his own existence? Gaara knew she would be. She hated violence. It was strange really since he had been such a violent person but that was the way they were.
Gaara sighed and then looked out at the view once again. Yes, if there had ever been one of his past mistakes that he regretted the most, then it was that.
He could see now that she meant a lot to him. No, she meant everything to him. If he closed his eyes, he could see her smile and whenever the wind would gently breeze passed him, he would swear that he could hear her voice.
More than anything, he wished that he could have her back. If he could, he would wish that he could go back in time and change his ways. But he knew that if he hadn't of been the way he was, than he wouldn't be who he was today. Most of all, he would still be a ticking time bomb waiting for that moment when he would just lose it.
Gaara heard footsteps approaching him, but he showed that person no acknowledgement. He simply kept his eyes looking over the village.
"Kazekage-sama, it's about time for the meeting to start."
His eyes moved to the side to show that he had heard him, "Understood." Was all he said as he followed the man back into the building.