Hidan was not happy

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Title: Puss in Boots

Characters: Hidan, Kakuzu

Rating: Teen to Mature – some swearing (no F-bombs) and depending on your sexuality, possible slurs

Words: 1,202

Other: I have nothing against gay people… however, the phrase fits well in the story so… S. I. U. if it bothers you so much! Or just skip this one…

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Hidan was not happy. It was almost noon and the blistering heat was not only making him uncomfortable but, was also lulling him into a light doze. Three long days and nights had passed since he had gotten a full night's rest, and, although the lack of sleep wouldn't kill him, it did severely dull his observance skills and made him all around extra cranky.

Sour faced, he passed under the huge looming gates of the walled town, just managing to keep Kakuzu in his line of sight. His vision blurring slightly as the sun's rays were blocked out, he didn't see the jutting rock in his path until it was too late and the next thing he knew, he was exploring the exact texture of the cobblestone road with his forehead.

Grumbling halfheartedly, he started to push himself off the ground, pausing when he heard the two guards, who had actually climbed out of their booth to get a better look at him, begin to speak.

"Oh shit…look at that poor bastard…fell flat on his face."

"Hehe…so he did. Probably tripped on the hem of his coat. Hey, you ever seen a coat like that?"

"Can't say I have, Shichi, but I think it would look mighty fine on me…don't you?" The larger guard said, rubbing a thumb over his dark, tanned, nose.

"Yeah, it would suit you perfectly. Accentuate all your womanly curves. It would make you look right pretty," his companion deadpanned before letting out a low chuckle.

"Oh…are you saying I'm girly? Whose wife caught her husband wearing her bra under his chunin vest? Not mine, asshole!"

The Akatsuki watched from the ground as the dark guard pinned the smaller one up against the stone wall. With a muffled squeak, the trapped guard tried to placate his enraged partner, "Darl! Darl, I wasn't calling you girly, man. That cloak would make anyone look gay! I mean look at it! It's covered in those pansy-ass flower things!"

Hidan felt the blood rush up to his face and his eyebrow gave an angry twitch. It wasn't as if the cloak was his favorite article of clothing. Hell, he didn't even like the damn thing, but anyone who insinuated that he, the hunkiest damn piece of man flesh on the earth, looked gay was in for the worst beating of their lifetime.

"I think they're jellyfish."

"Why the hell would anyone put jellyfish on a coat like that?! You know what? It doesn't matter. The fact is, that is one gay cloak!"

"You know what this conversation reminds me of? You remember that kid's fairy tale, the one with that little rodent who was walking around in people shoes? Squirrel something…"

"It's Puss in Boots, dipshit, not Squirrel in Pumps!!"

"Yeah well, if you tweak the title a little bit you get that guy's description. Pussy in Gay-Ass Leggings!"

Both guards burst into giggles, Shichi grabbing his own ribs to keep from falling over. As his laughter subsided into high pitched giggles, Darl cast a cheery eye to the spot where the man had fallen.

Slowly, the wide grin on his face disappeared. He turned to his jolly partner and jabbed him with his elbow then pointed at the empty spot. Glancing silently at each other, Darl shrugged nonchalantly, thinking the man must have moved on, and returned to his post.

Or to be more specific, he tried to return. Halfway there, he slammed into something much harder, albeit smaller, than himself.

Bouncing back, he started to fall and prepared himself for the rough landing, which never came. Instead, Darl found his arm twisted into an awkward angle, and his face very close to the very red face and very red eyes of Hidan.

One silver eyebrow twitched as a feral grin flashed across the Akatsuki's face. Hidan leaned in close so that a few stray hairs brushed against the other man's forehead and opened his mouth to speak.

"Meow," he hissed and Darl felt something wet and warm shoot down his leg.

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Half an hour later, Kakuzu watched as a half naked Hidan marched into the open air café and plopped into the chair across from him. A large cloud of hatred and rage hovered over the brunette and the Jashinist, sensing that something was wrong, turned to his partner and said, "Who the hell pissed in your cornflakes, Yoshi?"

The large man's green orbs narrowed to dangerous slits as he slid forward and wrapped his massive hands around his partner's throat. "Where…the…hell…were…you?!" he hissed, shaking Hidan with each word for emphasis.

"And…where…the…hell…is…your…cloak?! Do… you… have …any …idea …how …much…that cost me to make?!" He continued, shifting his grip so that he could slam his partner's head instead. As Kakuzu went in for the final blow, Hidan managed to choke out, "Deb-Debate."

"What?" The rogue Falls-nin growled, freezing immediately, his partner's face hovering inches from the table.

"Are you freaking deaf? I was having a debate on personal style and children's stories with the two ass-hole guards at the gate, seriously. Now let me up, shithead!" He proclaimed haughtily, sticking his tongue out at his last sentence.

Too stunned by the civil (well, civil by Hidan's means) and unanticipated answer to do anything harmful to the man, Kakuzu released him. Blinking slowly as he tried to comprehend the fact that Hidan, had debated anyone about anything, he finally managed a response of, "How the hell did having a debate make you lose your cloak?"

A wide grin spread across the zealot's face and the Falls-nin frowned, cutting Hidan off with "I don't give a damn what happened, you're paying for the cloak." Pausing only to blow a raspberry (you know, when you stick out your tongue and blow, that's what it's called) at his partner, the Jashinist continued with his story, earning an eye roll from Kakuzu.

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Takoshi Himmamori glanced down at his chart as he stood facing the front gate's guard station. The two guards, a Darl Sangoi and Shichi Gomo were nowhere to be seen, and, as the Chief Occupational Overseer, it was his job to discover where exactly they had disappeared to.

A scowl plastered on his pinched face, he snuck past several roly-poly merchants and dodged around a rather angry farmer chasing down a dog with a squawking chicken hanging from its mouth.

Somersaulting up to the wall separating the guards' desk and chairs from the main road, (yes, he is a little gung-ho) he peered over it and choked at what he saw.

Darl and Shichi were sitting back to back, tied in place and gagged by what looked like long strips of black cloth with a...jellyfish pattern. Consequently, said strips of cloth were the only things keeping the world from getting a perfect view of both men's birthday suits. Although they looked battered, bruised and frightened, they seemed relatively unharmed.

Upon seeing their superior officer, the two let out muffled cries of relief and began to try squirming free of their bonds. As he got closer, Takoshi realized something was written them. The words 'The Puss Kicked My Pansy Ass' were painted across each man's bare chest in bold, sloppy, red lettering.

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Don't you just love how Hidan thinks so highly of himself? I guess that's just what sets him apart from the others...his silver hair, religion, and over-inflated egotistical head. Anyway, hope you liked this one... I could totally imagine calling someone that...

In fact, come the return of school, I think I will...Muwhahahahahahahaha... Anyway, hope you liked this story...Tsuchs!