Chapter 1 – The River

I looked up from the shelf in shock. I hadn't heard that voice in years. I didn't know what to do. I'd grown up hating her, she was supposed to be filth. But she continually bested me in everything. Now, after the war. The memories of her torture stung me. She was strong, that I couldn't deny. She had been at my trial with Potter. Supporting him when he spoke for my mother and I. I felt like my head was spinning. Unsure what to think or do I put the book down and fled from the store.

I heard the bell go off as I left, and I hurried down the street in case she noticed me. Absorbed in my thoughts my feet unconsciously carried me to the Leaky Cauldron. I wanted to go down Knockturn alley where I wouldn't be followed or starred at, but last time someone had seen me there and it was splashed across the news. Mother had had a fit. I sighed and sat at the bar, starring at my fire whiskey like it would suddenly talk and explain to me what I should feel or do.

My mind kept returning to the memories of Bella cackling as she carved that word into Hermione's arm. I suddenly felt sick. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. When I came back Tom glared at me, like he thought I'd been trying to rush out without paying. I stood up straight despite the turning of my stomach, over paid for my drink and left.

When I got home I paced around my room, trying and failing not to think of the things that had happened during the war. Deciding to sleep it off I went to bed. That night I dreamt of it, again. Dreamt that I was back in that moment, terrified for my Mother. Afraid of my aunt, of what anyone in the house might do to anyone without a moment's notice. Seeing myself in the mirror and only recognizing a ghost of myself. The constant stress had made me look sickly.

I'd begun silently praying that Potter would turn up and conquer the Dark Lord soon. I tried not to think of it, the Dark Lord seemed able to read minds, but it became my hope in the middle of hell. Then I saw the golden trio being marched in, and I felt sick that their side was now lost, and this horror would be the rest of my life. Felt sick when Bella picked Hermione and started carving into her flesh, torturing and her laughing. Hermione started screaming.

My eyes flew open and I sat bolt up in bed. My breathing was fast and my heart felt sore from pumping so quickly. I felt confused and looked around my room, finally realizing that it had been a dream. It wasn't real anymore. I felt sweaty. I looked down and saw that the sheets were tangled around my feet. Clearly my unrest wasn't just mental. I angrily pulled the sheets off myself and stalked off to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and I still saw that ghost in the mirror, barely clinging to his former self. I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to make up for my past, for the horrors I had seen and done. But what? What could possibly make up for all my terrible deeds that all my donations to charities hadn't already?

Frustrated, feeling sick and exhausted, I showered and left the manor. I hated the manor now. My happy memories from childhood were all tarnished from the war. If it weren't for mother's inexplicable love of the place I'd have burned the thing down the minute the war ended. I'd have left it long ago if I had anywhere to go to. Lost and upset I apparated to the wizarding memorial park that just opened up. I'd heard a rumor that Longbottom ran the place.

I wandered through the willows, found a bench and starred at the river. I started picking weeds and chucking pieces into the water. Watching them float away. If only life were so simple and I could tear the bad parts of me out and set them afloat down river. I found myself thinking of how cleansing to would be to float in the river. The water drowning out all other noise, running along your skin. Closing your eyes and just letting the water take you. Unconsciously, I moved closer to the water's edge. I didn't realize it until a voice startled me.

"The park's closed. Malfoy?" I looked over and saw Potter staring at me. His expression one of confusion. "What are you doing so close to the river?"

I took a few steps back, "Happy now?"

"What are you doing here? The park's closed." He was staring at me, I saw him take in my appearance and frown.

"What's the chosen one doing on park duty? Don't you have a baby to kiss somewhere?" The comment had no bite to it, I was too tired.

Potter looked even more concerned now, "Look, Malfoy, it's late. Why don't you go home? Go to bed." I flinched at the thought of going back to the manor, "Or you could come back to my place with me." Potter sounded like he regretted the words as he was saying them.

But it managed to get my attention, "What?"

"You don't look in the best shape mate. You can sleep on my couch, Ginny's at her mother's for the weekend. And then I won't have to come back and drag your lifeless body out of the river."

I rolled my eyes, I wasn't going to kill myself. Really? I thought to myself, then why'd you walk right for the river. Mad at myself, and mad at Potter for thinking I need his help I spun on him, "Like I need your charity. Your place probably smells so bad of Weasel I'd be washing my clothes for weeks."

I spun and apparted back to the manor. I stood starring at the building, trying to will myself to go inside. Instead, I turned around and walked down to the muggle village. By the time I got there it was 7 in the morning and the people were getting ready and bustling about. I suddenly felt jealous of them, they lead such simple lives, no ghosts of a past they couldn't right. Just as I resigned myself to going back to the manor, hopefully before I passed out on the street from exhaustion, I saw a little girl skipping along the sidewalk. As I watched, she tripped and scraped her knee. She was crying and I realized that I wanted to help her.

And I smiled, for the first time since I could remember. A genuine smile. I knew how to make up for my past. I would become a healer.