I have midterms in ten days. Then why am I not studying? Ask the plunnies in my brain..

Minna-san, I'm tebly sorry for the long hiatus. I have been extremely busy with life, which I have neglected for quite a while. But this little story did not come out of my head even though I asked it very politely to go, and this is what resulted. I may have also gotten a spark of inspiration form the Hunger Games (my new obsession) and Taylor Swift's song Eyes Open. Enjoy!

"Patricia-sama, what are you doing here? You should be resting in your room!"

The voice broke my peaceful meditation. It would have been annoying had it not been from him. I opened my eyes lazily. "Calm down, Yuu. I'm just sitting here."

"It's unhealthy for you to stay out in the open air madam-"

"Oh, shut up. If you really want me inside, carry me there." I held out my hands in mock command. He sighed and smiled. "It's been a while since you've been this willful."

I smiled as well. Wasn't our word full of smiles, of pretenses, judgements? I didn't want that with him. "Of course. I haven't the time to be willful, being a mother and all."

I stared out across the lake, but my attention was focused on the figure next to me. Yuu bowed his head. After a long period of silence, he seemed to force himself as he said, "It's an honor to serve you, madam. You've become a wonderful mother."

It sounded so fake I wanted to laugh out loud. I didn't want him to say that. I didn't want him to think that.

"You know, Yuu, I'll probably die, very soon." His head shot up and I felt his body stiffen. Since when had I been able to tell his movements without even touching him? Maybe since he first polished my shoes. We'd always had a mutual understanding between us, as tangible as a rope, though others failed to recognize it. But did he still hold on to the cord, when I had clinged at the other end for years, like it was my lifeline?

I continued on, slowly. "For another six months, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll be spared a year, even. But I know I'll get sick eventually, and when I do, I won't be coming back, let alone healthily."

I clenched the grass beneath me, the green fibers encircling my fingers and my wedding ring. Oh, the tears were coming again. And I'd thought I'd squeezed myself dry of those.

"...Yuu, I thought this urge would go away once I got married and settled down with a child. I thought I would forget with time.

I fought to keep my sobs silent, for the sake of letting him understand me clearly, so that when it was time to decide, he wouldn't be able to back out in the pretense of not hearing me.

I looked him squarely in the face. His black eyes were full of something, like worry. Or maybe sadness. Why was he sad? Because he was losing his mistress?

Or because he was losing me?

"But Yuu, when will I ever see you again?"

The tears were practically flowing now. I needed something to anchor myself down with, anything. Yuu. Yuu was right there. His hands, his body, his eyes were right there. I reached a hand out, and said, almost pleadingly, "Come here, please."

He obeyed. I took his hands in mine. As he knelt down in front of me, I rested my head on his left shoulder, not strong enough to let go, but not brave enough to bury myself in his chest.

Turns out, I didn't have to be brave. Yuu gently pressed my head into his butler jacket and let me wet in with my sobs. We stayed like that for a while, me crying, him holding me.

I knew that, after this, I would have to go back to being a mother and a wife, and he to being the butler of my father. It would be better for me to get used to reality faster. I lifted my head and sent him a grateful smile.

But I didn't count on him to take my face into his hands, looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. I didn't count on him to bring his face closer to mine and whisper a hurried phrase-something like a hushed apology. And I certainly didn't count on him to press his lips to mine.

I didn't expect it, but I welcomed the surprise. My arms circled his neck and mt body pushed against his. Yuu responded in a similar fashion, hands on my waist, lips against mine.

When we broke apart, breathing hard, Yuu backed away. "God, madam, I'm so sorry-"

I reached for him again, coming closer. "Don't be."

"We shouldn't-"

"I've always wanted to touch you like this."

I cut him off with a kiss of my own, my hands entwining into his black, slicked-back hair. Even as he pushed me away, I only held on tighter, and eventually, his body became lax, yielding to my hands. My fingers reached down, dancing across his shoulders and down his arms. When I reached his jacket button, freeing the black circle from its hole, Yuu's hands grasped mine firmly, preventing them from any movement. He broke away, shaking his head.

"Patricia-sama, I can't-"

"I love you. I want you. Don't you want me?"

He closed his eyes and furrowed his brow, like he did when he was working to concentrate on something, in this case, pushing me away. "More than anything."

"Then have me," I said, putting his hands on my waist.

Yuu pulled away again. I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation, when in reality, I was scared to death. Would he leave me again, like he did when I was married to Edward?

"What are you afraid of? Losing your job? Me getting hurt? And I thought you were the braver one," I whispered.

"I'm scared of losing you," he said.

I smiled. "I'm right here."

He shook his head, his disarrayed hair becoming even messier. "We've tried. We've tried to escape people's eyes. I tried, by not following my father's footsteps. You've tried, maybe in ways harder than mine."

I suddenly thought of what he said when I first saw him polishing shoes. "People are watching you more than you think, my lady."

"But we both couldn't. You're married and a mother. And I lost the love of my life. We always try, but we never can."

Yuu's voice started shaking, something I've never witnessed in my seven years of being with him. He continued, "If we do this, you'll lose your honor as a mother and a wife. I can't bear to think of letting you go like that." He shook his head. "I can't."

Of all natural disasters, I think earthquakes are most frightening. Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, at least, you have something to hold on. When an earthquake occurs, the thing you always believed to be stable, the thing you hold onto as disaster strikes, proves to be, in fact, unstable.

It was unnerving, seeing Yuu become this afraid. But maybe, this time, I could be his anchor.

My body circled his frame, my head leaning against his shoulder.

"Yuu, is it better to live without knowing heaven, or having a taste of heaven and being condemned to endless hell?"

He snorted. "You're being melodramatic."

"I think the latter. There's no point in living if you don't know heaven, is there?"

I took off my cardigan. The summer breeze, though warm, caused goosebumps to erupt over my shoulders.

"Patricia-sama-"

"No honorifics. I'm Patricia."

I kissed him, this time harder. My arms were around his shoulders, my body pressing ever closer to his.

I felt him resisting at first. The man was so full of virtue. I pulled back, annoyed. "Masochist."

Yuu smiled. "Sadist."

I kissed him again. "Maybe."

There were no words after that. There was no need for pretentious words to please the crowd. No one was watching us, no one was there to judge us. For the first time in my life, I felt free.

Honestly, I don't remember the details. I couldn't describe it even if I wanted to.

But I do remember he had his eyes open the whole time.

"I'm pregnant."

My fingers that were holding the delicate teacup shook ever so slightly. Saying it out loud was very different from thinking it in my head.

Especially since it was directed at a certain someone.

Yuu dropped the teaspoon, the silver little utensil making a giggling, bell-like sound as it struck the wooden floor. "What?"

"I'm pregnant," I repeated, my face a mask of calm. Convincing, if not perfect.

He looked more shocked than how he had in my head. "How could that happen?"

"I made it happen."

Yuu gritted his teeth. "Madam, this isn't the time to joke-"

"Drop the formalities, Yuu. It's annoying."

I looked out the large, clear glass window. It was a beautiful sunset, the oranges, pinks and reds of the sky swirling into a palette of color even the richest paint would be jealous of. The lovely garden of the Raven Castle looked plastic in comparison. Rays of light flooded my room.

Would this be the last time I could view a sunset with him?

"Patricia-" Yuu's voice cracked in the middle of my name. "I can't-I can't let you-"

I stood up from my comfortable, plush seat. "Yuu, I want this child. I won't have an abortion just because it's illegitimate. I love it as much as I love you. And since I'm dying, isn't it better for me to know there's a part of me alive and well?"

Yuu put his face in one of his gloved hands, sighing deeply. "I've ruined you." As if I were a pair of shoes.

"And I've ruined you. But I won't apologize."

He smiled, very sad. His dark orbs glittered-with what, I don't know. "You sadist."

I smiled back. "I am."

I moved to a little cottage in the countryside, where I knew my father wouldn't come to find me. Nine months had passed since I'd last seen him. It was time.

It all felt like a dream. The labor was excruciatingly painful, more so when I had my first child, but I gladly welcomed it, since this child was mine, not a product of people's eyes.

I remember pushing. The horrid pain. The shouts of the doctor to get more blood. And finally, a cry. God, what a beautiful cry it was.

I took my son in my arms, afterwards. I almost cried when I realized his eyes were green, like mine, not the calm, reassuring black of Yuu's.

Apparently, my sickness had gotten worse, but I didn't care. Nor did I care about the little baby in the carriage, crying fitfully for his mother. Frankly, I liked seeing him cry, maybe because it reminded me that at least one person in the world really needed me.

...Did Yuu need me? As much as I needed him?

The other day I heard my maids whispering among themselves, and learned that Yuu had quit his job and flown back to Japan. I knew he couldn't come no matter how much I wanted him to, but God, I wanted him here.

Before I closed my eyes for another nap (staying awake proved to be a draining activity now) I prayed, for him to come to me one last time. I prayed for Yuu to get to see his son.

I prayed I could gaze into his dark eyes one last time.

Then I dozed off, into the darkness as comforting as Yuu.

...'Twas it. I can focus on studying now.

I thought of this as I read the 75th chapter. Frankly, I think I'm more into Usui's parents' romance than the main characters', though Usui is still my number one. It was very heartwrenching, picturing these two in my head.

Hope it was okay,

New Guinee

May you have a wonderful day~