Kate Beckett reflects. After the events of 'Knockdown'/'Lucky Stiff'
Control/Vulnerability
"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."
Anonymous
I defy anyone to say they have complete control over their life. There are so many variables – so many parts and facets of our life beyond our control. The length of the queue at Starbucks whilst you wait for your morning coffee. Whether it will be your lottery numbers that are drawn out this week. What temperature it'll be outside today. Of course, that doesn't stop people finding ways to implement control.
When I first investigated my mother's murder, I nearly lost control entirely. What I learnt was that my job requires a level of self control, to ensure I remain professional and objective. That isn't always easy.
Since he came along, I've found it difficult to maintain my self control, particularly my control over how much of my private thoughts and feelings are made public. Over time, he has built a door in the walls I constructed – found a way to peel back the protective layers that once kept me in control. He looks at me in a way that says he wishes to know me, all of me, and he can spend a lifetime finding out every detail.
If it were anyone else, my defences would be alerted, and I would quickly and completely shut them out. Past failed relationships are a testament to this – I needed to reassert control. But with him, the idea of total openness doesn't scare me. It probably should – after all, he's let me down in the past. But more often than not, he's there for me. And that's how I know that even when I'm my most vulnerable, if I'm with him, I can still be in control.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.