Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway
By Sad WTF
Chapter 1. One of the Many Reasons the Major Should Be Shot
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The problem started when the Major began delving in arcane rituals. You see, he was never content with an army of vampire Nazis being at his command; no, he wanted to be able to have an army of Nazi witches at his command, as well. However, as witchcraft did not possess romantic appeal like that of vampirism, he had no volunteers offering to help him. Therefore, he had to make do with a do-it-at-home kit, which the Doctor refused to help him with. And those who know the Major well enough will say that the Major unaccompanied by an adult when doing anything is more disastrous than a three-year-old meddling with drain cleaner while being babysat by a drunk penguin wearing a beret.
And so, one boring Saturday is when this all began.
The Major was tired of turning Schrödinger's hair blue, and Joleen's buttocks green. He wanted some real magic! Devising a plan so cunning he could make a paper airplane with it and use it to bomb public lavatories in London, he sent out some cleverly disguised messages to the leaders of both Hellsing and Iscariot. These messages would never reveal who they were from. He even changed his handwriting for just this job! The messages indicated that a secret ally would divulge information on the dreaded Millennium organization. Surely this would pique the interest of both parties!
In actuality, the letter sent to Sir Integral Hellsing read, in handwriting that was very much like Alucard's (which could be anything because Alucard never writes anything), "Me tie dotty walker", which made Integral boiling mad for no other reason besides her wish to be boiling mad. Since she had nothing to do that day, much like in many other Hellsing fanfics - because otherwise, how could she get into compromising positions with a bunch of paperwork to do and vampires to fight? - she decided to go and investigate, bringing with her a pair of pistols and a bazooka, just in case it really was Alucard being a walking corpse with a penchant for pranks and nothing else to do but drive this lame storyline along.
The letter that Father Enrico Maxwell received was not as elaborate as the one sent to Sir Hellsing. All he got on his desk was a note that read, "I am Anderson, and my head is stuck in a toilet." If this hadn't happened only a week before, he would have disregarded the message. But seeing as it did, and the entire Section Twelve of the Vatican had been witness to it and now viewed Section Thirteen as incompetent and stupid, Maxwell quickly rushed out of his office carrying a toilet plunger and his security blanket, or whatever that thing is he loves to drape over himself.
Integral started marching in one direction, and Maxwell walked in that direction as well, whatever direction that may have been. It could have been Bulgaria for all we know. Wherever it is, I'm quite impressed that they reached the same destination by walking, unless Maxwell was living right next door, which is impossible. Comments from the stupid author aside, it was quite a moment later (longer than it would have taken to write or read one paragraph) when they stopped walking.
"So you're the one who sent me that note," growled Integral, pointing at what she thought of as a Catholic nuisance standing three yards away from her. "I should have guessed. You Catholics are known for this sort of thing!"
Maxwell merely gaped, trying to ignore Integral loading her bazooka and pointing it at his direction, which unnerved him. After a moment of looking around, he glared and stepped out of the way, a few paces to the left. "No wonder Anderson hid his head in a toilet," he said. "From the sight of you, I would have done the same."
Integral would have blown Maxwell away right then and there, but A: This wasn't based on the Anime, B: This storyline had to be written further, and C: She needed Iscariot's help until Millennium was dead. Ha-ha. Oh, and the Major had jumped up on an impressive ledge over them to strike a dramatic pose.
"You have fallen for my clever trap," said the Major. However, his voice was so tiny, that Integral and Maxwell did not notice until the Major started shouting into a megaphone. Finally, when he had their attention, he cackled evilly.
Integral rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "Oh, bollocks. What do you want?" She had to admit to herself that seeing the Major was slightly worse than seeing any Catholic. She ignored the annoying glare coming from Maxwell, who believed that she should not use such language when in the presence of a holy man. Or some dumb stuff like that, which doesn't really matter.
The Major quickly jumped back out of sight and reappeared dressed in what he considered an appropriate outfit for the event. Unfortunately, he looked more like a Harry Potter cosplayer than anything else.
"I'm going to ruin your lives forever!" squealed the Major with glee. Then he waved his wand at them, shouting gibberish - but nothing worked, of course, because real magic doesn't work like that. Integral and Maxwell started to walk away when a combination of words and gestures that the Major had accidentally made had finally connected, and shot them both like a bolt of lightning.
Billows of smoke filled the whole area, and people all around thought that the world had ended and had turned to hell, also known as Los Angeles. When the smoke cleared, the leaders of Hellsing and Iscariot still stood, seemingly unharmed. The Major frowned in disappointment and decided to stop practicing witchcraft from thereon, seeing as there were no benefits for him to reap. He walked off dejected, never knowing what he had done.
Integral blinked as the smoke cleared, surprised by her change in location. She was suddenly standing where Maxwell had been only a few moments before. And ahead of her she saw herself, looking horrified. Maxwell had just realized the same thing that Integral did, as he now saw an image of himself a few yards from where he now stood. With an accompaniment of dramatic chords, they realized that they hadn't died and left their bodies like they would have liked to believe. In fact, it was much, much worse. In fact, their bodies had been switched by the abominable Major.
Coming to this terrifying revelation, both screamed, hoping it was all a very bad nightmare. But it wasn't. It was a very bad fanfic.
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The End. Okay, it's not the end. But I like leaving things at stupid cliff hangers or whatever. Like I said in the description, this body-switch thing is so overdone, yet I always liked this theme, and thought it would be perfect for those two or something. Not that any of your care! I'm going to get flamed tonight! Tee-hee.