Chim-Chimney
a
Ranma 1/2 Anything-Goes Rooftop Crossover Extravaganza
by
AJ Andreason
and
H.M.A.
Disclaimer: Seeing as a real disclaimer for this story would, of necessity, take up about half of the entire document, rest assured in that I won't waist your time and mine by putting it here.
The night breeze ruffled Ranma Saotome's bangs as it skimmed over the tiles of the Tendo Dojo rooftop. Heaving a large sigh, he stretched his arms out behind him and stared out at the stars. (So peaceful here), he thought. (If only it could always be like this). This is one of the few places that he could find solitude in the torrent of chaos that was his daily life.
And today had been, well... Ranma-esque.
(Let's see), he told himself silently, ticking things off on his fingers, (jumped by Shampoo on her bike: check. Pounded Kuno at the school gate: check. Attacked by Principle Kuno with a pair of clippers, check. Decked by Akane after refusin' ta eat her cookin': check. Pounded Ryoga: check. Splashed with cold water by the scoop lady: check. Punted -again- at Ucchan's fer bein' nice to her: check. Hmm... anything else I'm missin'?)
He sighed again. At least it was always quiet up here.
In the distance, he heard the faint roar of an airplane as it shot across the sky. A dog barked loudly somewhere to the west, until it cut off abruptly with a startled yelp. Then, an ambulance siren split the night a few blocks away, wailing past with the sound of shouting and the screeching of tires. He frowned slightly, and shifted into a more comfortable position. Well, it was usually quiet.
Then, he heard the sound a foot scraping the roof tiles. (Huh?) He thought, his head shooting up.
"Oro?" a voice greeted him from the shadows. Ranma tensed as an unfamiliar figure stepped forward. The first thing Ranma noticed was his long, flame-red hair, tied back into a low pony tail. He was wearing what looked to be a bright pink gi, and a pair of tradition white hakama. (Well, no accountin' for taste,) he thought, half-amused. (He looks kinda' like a Kuno wannabe that got lost in the women's fabric section.) The long handle of a sword stuck out at his side.
"Who the heck are you?" he demanded, rising to his feet.
"Ah... excuse me," the redhead asked, blinking. "Isn't this the Aoiya Hotel?"
Ranma stared at him. "No, this is the Tendo Dojo. I never heard of the Aoiya."
"Oh, pardon me, sessha must have gotten the wrong roof."
"Kenshin," said a soft voice behind the man in pink, "What's going on? Who is that?" A woman appeared behind him, with long, straight black hair and dressed in a simple blue kimono.
"Oh... I... ah..."
"Hey, Kenshin!" said yet another voice, a young boy's. This one's outfit was just like the first guy's, only his gi was a sort of dull yellow with black markings. "What's goin' on up here?"
"Oh, Yahiko! Well, actually, I think--"
"Trying to leave me behind again, eh Kenshin?" a fifth person piped in, joining them on the roof. He had tall, spiky brown hair, tied back with a red bandana in a way that strangely resembled a rooster's comb. He wore white gi, and had his stomach bandaged.
"Sano! What are you doing here?" the one called Kenshin asked.
"Ah, he probably just came hoping to get a free meal," the boy teased.
"Hey!" Sano growled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're a lousy, good-for-nothing, freeloader, that's what!"
Then the man called Sano preceded to pound Yahiko into the ground... er, ceiling.
"Miss Kaoru, you shouldn't be up at so late an hour." Kenshin said over the noise.
"Oh, come on Kenshin, I can take care of myself."
In the background, Sano could be heard clearly as he scuffled with the boy. "And take THAT and THAT and THAT! Call ME a freeloader! Why I ought a'--"
"EXCUSE ME!" Ranma yelled over the babble, waving his arms in the air. Everyone stopped talking (or being pounded) abruptly, and stared up at him. "But do ya think you can take this somewhere else?"
The Kenshin-gumi glanced at each other, and shrugged.
"How rude!" Kaoru muttered under her breath as they began to walk away. The one called Kenshin turned back towards Ranma.
"Gomennasai," he said, bowing, and after one harried glance behind him, took off after his friends.
Ranma shook his head. "What was THAT all about?" Grumbling under his breath, he sat back down on the dojo roof. He was just about to settle down when he heard the sound of running footsteps.
Groaning, he rolled over to glance up at the source of the noise. He jumped into a crouch, just in time to catch a glimpse of a boy about his height, with short, spiky brown hair tied back samurai style, and dark brown eyes. Then the figure plowed into him in his head-long flight, rocking him back on his heels.
"Look out!" the guy yelled, pointing behind him in fear. Ranma's eyes quickly followed in the direction he indicated. He instinctively shuttered as five beautiful women came running towards them.
"Tenchi, come back here!" yelled the spiky blue-haired girl in the lead. Ranma did a double take. Was his mind playing tricks on him, or was she floating in the air?
"Lord Tenchi, please!" a tall, dark purple-haired young woman added. "There is a matter which we must discuss in private!"
"Teeennchiiii!" a little, blue-haired girl in pony-tails protested with a trembling lower lip. "You said you'd come with meeee!"
She was followed closely by two women who appeared to be wearing some kind of uniform; one had medium-length curly blond hair, and the other had long green tresses, so dark they were almost black. Tenchi dove behind Ranma, using the pig-tailed boy as a shield against the female onslaught.
"Hey! What the--" Ranma exclaimed. Then, the girls surged forward, and with a despairing cry, Tenchi dove off the roof, rolled on the ground, and ran for dear life. His entourage gave chase, shouting protests at his retreating form. Well, Ranma knew how THAT goes. He felt kind of sorry for that guy.
By this time, though, Ranma was feeling more than a bit dazed. Where the hell were all these people coming from?
"Excuse me," a distinctly familiar voice said behind him, "but could you direct me to the Tendo Dojo?"
Ranma whirled around to see Ryoga standing on the other side of the roof, his head bent over a map, and a look of deep concentration on his face.
Ranma groaned. "Your -standing on it-, you moron!"
"Ranma?" Ryoga breathed, looking up. He began to tremble in anticipation. "At last, I found you! RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO--YAA-AH-AH!"
Ryoga cut off abruptly as he slipped on a loose tile, fell off the roof, and (inevitably) landed right in the koi pond below with a terrific splash. An angry P-Chan burst out of the water, and promptly ran in the opposite direction of the dojo. Ranma sighed. At least that was normal. Well, normal for him.
Suddenly, the scrape of a ladder alerted him to another presence, and he tensed, sure it was going to be some moron that was either lost or wanted to kill him-or both; the lost part just seemed to be a prerequisite. He sighed with relief as Akane slipped into view, irritation and worry warring each other in her eyes.
"Ranma!" she growled, climbing onto the roof. "What's going on up here! I was trying to do my homework! It sounded like a herd of elephants was roaming around up here!"
"Yeah, right!" Ranma snorted, cocking his head. "There might as well be."
Suddenly, the air turned cold. Hmm... that hadn't come out quite right.
"And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"Er... Wait! That ain't what I meant! I only--"
Akane's aura flared an angry blue. "RANMA NO BAKA!" She drew one of Ryoga's umbrellas seemingly from nowhere. (Ooh, this could hurt.) Ranma told himself silently, and began to back away.
"Oh, I see," Nabiki said suddenly from the top of the ladder, an amused smile on her lips. "Another Ranma and Akane moment."
Akane froze mid-swing, and she and Ranma turned to face the infamous picture-happy middle Tendo girl.
"What are YOU doin' up here?" Ranma asked suspiciously.
"Oh, just curious, that's all," she replied coolly, climbing up to join them. "My room's right below where your standing, and I've been hear all sorts of voices and pounding noises, so I was wondering if you two were finally getting it on."
"NABIKI!" Ranma and Akane shouted, going scarlet.
"YATTA!" the ladder chorused, and the three of them turned to see Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome grouching at the base of the roof, managing to dance in a circle while balanced perilously between the lowest shingles and the top stud on the ladder.
"Oh, my beautiful Akane is now truly a woman!" Soun wept.
"Yes, Tendo! Ranma has finally fulfilled his duties! The schools will be united forever!"
"Indeed, Saotome! It's time to celebrate!"
"Excellent idea, Tendo!"
"DAD!" Akane screamed in protest. "I didn't--I mean, we didn't--I mean... "
"We ain't done nothin', Pops!" Ranma said angrily. "I was the only one up here in the first place, and all these weirdoes just started showin' up, and-"
"Ah... excuse me?" a voice broke in, and Ranma groaned. (Not again!)
They turned to see a pair of teenage boys standing off to the side. One was a really skinny kid wearing a plain green tank top, and had a short shot of thick light-brown hair over his eyes, which were oddly fierce looking. The other wore a pair of black slacks and a black shirt with white lining, and had a
long, dark-brown braid going down his back.
"Ah... yes?" Tendo said carefully, stepping forward. "May I help you?"
"Um, yeah, ah..." the one with the braid spoke up, "We were just wondering if you guys have seen any, uh, er... What I mean to say is--"
"Get on with it, Duo," the other one cut in, his voice hard and cold. "We can't sit around wasting time."
Duo turned on him. "Oh, yeah? What am I supposed to say, Heero? 'Say, you haven't seen any giant robots roaming around here recently, have you?'"
"That's your problem, not mine."
"Gee, thanks for the backup, man."
"Sorry," Ranma told them, "But I think we would have noticed something like giant--"
"Hey! This doesn't look like the planet Namek to me!"
Eight people whipped around to stare at the latest addition to the rooftop. Ranma's jaw hit the roof with a distinctive crash. It was a man of about middle height, but his thickly wadded, spiky golden hair gave him about another six inches or so. He had bright-green, pupiless eyes that were clearly visible even in this light, and he wore a orange and white colored jacket with matching pants that sort of jarred at the eye. But that's not why Ranma was so shocked--well, that was only part of the reason he was shocked.
It was his chi. It was... it was... Ranma's inner mind struggled to describe it. Impossible, stupendous, earth-shattering, amazing, astounding, and beyond belief just didn't cut it. If Ranma was to compare his power to this guy's, his would be a grain of sand, and this guys would be the whole freakin' planet, and everything in it. And only that if Ranma used his Mokou Takabisha at full power. He made Saffron look like a total pipsqueek.
The spiky-haired man ducked his head slightly in embarrassment. "Well, sorry to bother you," he said, scratching his head. He put two fingers to his forehead, and a look of deep concentration came over his face. Then, with a blur and a rush of wind, he was gone.
A moment of absolute silence followed. With some difficulty, Ranma re-cocked his jaw. "T-That... that was..." he stuttered.
"Goku..." Akane finished in a hushed whisper.
Suddenly, everybody started talking at once. Pops and Mr. Tendo broke into an argument as to whether what they just saw had been real, or if Akane had been doing the cooking in secret again. Akane shouted angrily at them and began making threatening gestures with the umbrella, which the two took quite seriously. Nabiki had for some reason whipped out her camera, and now was taking rapid pictures of the two visitors still on the roof, all the time muttering something that sounded like "Gundam Wing", or maybe "Godem Weng".
Duo threw his hands up in disgust, and Heero rolled his eyes. Together, they hopped off the rooftop and onto the dojo grounds, arguing about the merits of having a certified psychologist in suburban neighborhoods. Ranma was beginning to think leaving was the right idea, and so he slowly began to edge toward the side of the tiles.
It was just at that moment that Shampoo chose to come flying out of the night and clomp onto him.
"Nihao, Ranma! What going on?"
"Yes indeed," Cologne said grinning, hopping onto the roof atop her staff. "You didn't tell us there was going to be a rooftop party this evening, son-in-law. I could have brought refreshments!"
"Shampoo! Get offa' me! Something weird's going on, and I--"
"Hey, Ranchan! What's going on up there?" An instant later, Ukyo leapt up onto the roof. Her eyes darted everywhere, but they only really took in one part of the scene.
"Hey, you!" She growled, grabbing a hold of Ranma and pushing herself between him and Shampoo. "Get your hands off my fiancé!"
"Ranma -Shampoo's- airen, Spatula Girl! You no have him!"
"Oh, yeah?!"
"Yeah!"
They began to tug at him, each trying to get him away from the other and glomp onto him. He reeled back and forth, trying to regain control of the situation, but he couldn't seem to process it fast enough. But, he still had the presence of mind to glance Akane's way. She lit up the night like a giant blue street lamp.
"Grrrrr..."
Then, there was a clamor as more people came up on the roof. They looked distinctly familiar. Ukyo and Shampoo were so surprised, Ranma slipped out of their grip without them even noticing.
"Ah, no!" Yahiko groaned. "Not -this- place again!"
"What are -you guys- doing back here?" Ranma asked incredulously.
"We asked some fang-toothed kid with a black and yellow bandana for directions." Sano replied sourly.
"Figures. The only place in the world he wants ta' get to, and he immediately tells people who don't want to go there exactly where it is." Ranma squinted at the sudden flashing light, and wondered briefly why Nabiki was taking so many pictures.
"Oh, no!" Sano yelped, leaping back and covering his eyes. "She's trying to steal our souls!"
"Oh, shut up, Sanosuke!" Kaoru snapped. "That's just a stupid superstition!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is -not!-"
"IS TOO!" She wacked him over the head with a bokutou for emphasis. Which broke, but left a large bump in it's place.
Now, the roof was a loud babble of voices, everyone having conversations at the same time. Akane was talking raptly with the guy in the pink gi, (she was an avid Ruroni Kenshin fan, now that Ranma thought about it) Soun was weeping his eyes out at so much company (which is a stupid reason to cry, really, but it didn't take much to set him off) and Nabiki busy getting out her video camera, determined to have as much proof of this as possible. Ranma just stood there in stunned silence, his eyes wide at all the things going on around him.
Nobody really noticed when a class of school girls began to wander through on a guided tour, pointing and giggling at the spectacle of the assorted people.
"And now," the teacher announced, "We are passing over the infamous Tendo Dojo, home of..." As the man droned on, one of the girls in the crowd, who looked remarkable like Ranma's girl side with her long red hair braided down her back, cried out excitedly.
"Look!" she exclaimed, bouncing on her toes. "It Ranma Saotome!"
One of the girls standing next to her, with waist-length blue hair, smirked. "Nice butt," she muttered.
"Umi!" a third murmured, blushing and putting a hand over her mouth. Her bright green eyes studied Ranma behind large round glasses as the group continued across the roof, talking and giggling amongst themselves.
"Ahuh... huha..." Ranma panicked quietly. (This can't get much worse… can it?) Ranma began to edge toward the side of the roof again.
As if to answer his thought, a figure alighted on the top of the roof, causing most of the current inhabitance to turn towards her in surprise. Tossing her waist-length dark green hair and clutching a tall staff, she began to glare about her. "So, -this- is the source of the disturbance."
"Alright, you!" a shrill voice came out of the night, "Hold it right there!" Everyone paused as five girls dressing similarly to the first, (in Sailor uniforms with different colored fukus and elbow-length gloves) landed in a circle around them on the edges of the roof.
One with long blond hair, tied up in a fashion that immediately reminded Ranma of spaghetti and meatballs, began to twirl her arms about, saying "We stand for love and justice! In the name of the Moon, we shall punish you!"
The was a brief moment of absolute silence, broken only the by the sound of crickets in the bushes. Abruptly, snickering broke out among the unusual crowd.
"Alright!" Sano shouted, cocking his head and staring at all the leg now flashing in the moonlight. "You punish me all you want, baby!"
Ranma turned his gaze away, and glanced nervously at Akane, who was just dusting her hands off from hammering Sanosuke into the roof tiles.
"Even -I- wouldn't wear a skirt that short," Nabiki muttered.
"Young ladies," Tendo admonished them, smoothing his mustache in disapproval, "Do your parents know that you're still out this time night?"
The Scouts blinked in surprise, and Sailor Moon began to sputter.
"Who do you think your talking to?" Mars snapped. "We're the Sailor Scouts, and--"
"What a haul! What a -haul!-" Happosai leapt into view, his usual bag of panties slung over one shoulder. The old freak took one look around, and his eyes went the size of dinner plates when they discovered the nearby Sailor Senshi.
"Ooo! What pretties!" he crooned, and leapt for the nearest fuku. Which, unlucky for him, happened to be Sailor Mars.
There was a brilliant red flash, and what was left the of the lecher fell smoking to the rooftop, his eyes wide and swirling.
"Whoa!" Duo exclaimed, poking his head back into view over the edge of the roof. Ranma watched as he and Heero climbed up to join them. "The party got up here got a whole lot better while we were gone!"
"WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?!!"
There was a collective sigh as they as they turned to see Ryoga Hibiki banging his head against the peak of the roof.
(Hey!) Jupiter thought, looking at the Lost Boy more closely. (He looks just like my old sempai...)
"Amazin'," Ranma muttered to himself, "He actually found the same place twice in the same night."
Ryoga's head shot up. "Ranmaaa..." he growled.
He didn't get much further, because the air above him began to shimmer. Then, something landed on his head.
"Oops... did it again."
Ranma goggled as, once again, Goku stood among them. The blond scratched his head, giggling nervously. There was a muffled groan beneath him.
"Get the HELL offa me!"
Goku started slightly, and stepped off of the crumpled Ryoga. "Whoa! Sorry about that. I didn't see you there!" He reached down to help bandana-boy to his feet.
Knocking the hand away, Ryoga looked up and spat "What in the heck did you thing you were doing, you... " Ryoga took a good look at the face before him. It was a very familiar face. It was face that belonged on T-shirts. Posters. Magazines. Games. He even had that face in several stickers in a book in his backpack. He made a faint squeaking sound as his brain overloaded, and passed out.
"Hey," Goku asked, looking concerned. "What the matter with him?"
Several people opened their mouths as if to answer, but a voice saved them from an awkward reply. Kasumi had appeared in the midst of it all, carrying an absolutely huge tray of eats. "Oh, my! Is anyone hungry up here?" she asked cheerfully. "I've brought some snacks, if you would like them."
Goku, Sanosuke, and Yahiko were at her side instantly. "Food?!" they chorused, licking their lips.
She smiled demurely. "Help yourselves!"
"YES!" Goku shouted, and the three of them sat down cross-legged, and as one began to devour the upper-level Kasumi feast.
"Arigato!" Sano managed through a mouthful, and Goku and Yahiko nodded in agreement, there faces too full to even get out a thank you of their own. Sailor Moon also came squirming in beside them, filling her cheeks to chipmunk capacity.
"Oh, boy!" she squealed, "I love food!" Genma also tried to elbow his way in, but almost immediately got a splash of cold water from Sanosuke's sloshing cup. Mr. Panda was firmly shoved to one side.
A sigh shot up. [Hey! Wait a minute!] *flip* [I'm hungry, too!]
A shriek was barely heard above the loud chewing and slurping as Tenchi ran back up on to the roof. He looked about in desperation for a moment, and then dived, huddling, behind Mr. Panda. His entourage soon followed, Ryoko and Aeka calling his name.
They began to look at the crowd in interest. "Hey, good-lookin," Ryoko said, sliding up to Duo. "What's going on here?"
"Boy, standing room only up here," Sano said, chewing thoughtfully.
Nabiki wondered over to Kenshin. "So, what are you doing around here?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, pardon. I was just looking for some friends I was supposed to meet, that I was."
"Oh, this old thing?" Aeka said, smoothing the corners of her dress.
"Yes!" Venus replied enthusiastically. "Where did get it?"
"Well..."
"Hey, are you alright?" Jupiter asked Ryoga, scooping his head up off the roof and nestling it in her lap. Ryoga stirred, and opened his eyes, blinking. He looked straight up, aand after a brief nose bleed, passed out again.
As the rooftop crowd continued to mingle, Akane looking around in wonder. (Boy,) she thought, (There sure is a lot of weird people up here. Hey, wait a minute. Where's Ranma?)
Meanwhile, inside the dojo, underneath the kitchen table, Ranma sighed with relief. "Alone at last."
Above the muffled sounds of footfalls above him, he began to hear a soft, creaking, grinding noise. The sound began to increase rapidly in volume, until he heard the loud snap of the ceiling's main support beam.
"Oh -no!-" was all Ranma could say, his eyes going wide. Then, the whole world came crashing down on him. What was once the Tendo living room was now an impressive pile of rubble and bodies, the like of which had only been seen after an air raid bombing in WWII.
From the bottom of the heap came a muffled cry. "-I hate my life!-"
Authors' Notes:
Sorry it started out so typically, but the ending was fun, wasn't it? Anyway, flame season is open. Start your torches!
AJ Andreason
andreasona@msn.com