Dear Faithful Readers,
A Lukka songfic on Avril Lavigne's Things I'll Never Say
-Kuris-
Sitting by me at the fireside, watching the sleeping bodies of our friends. Guarding them and guarding me too, but he's guarding me from myself, from the part of me that I don't want to see. Because when I'm with him I'm the person I want to be and I know that's how he sees me. But still…
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I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows.
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But still I can't bring myself to say the words I know are truer than any other. Because how do you bring yourself to say something so completely un-you. Only it's not un-me… but perhaps sometimes that is how it appears…
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I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words
Inside my head
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He stares at me for a moment and I wonder what he wants me to say. He waits patiently but still… he wants to make conversation, I want to make a confession. I've wanted to tell him for years now… but something always stops me.
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Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
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I want to tell him so badly… I want to get 23-year-old confession off my chest… but most of all, I want him and I don't want him to push me away when I need him most. So I'll stay silent, still hoping that one day I could tell him…
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If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you- away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down- on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
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I always say that there's something in the way but what is it and why do you seem to care. You reach for me now- hugging a sad friend, comforting a sad friend but the friend remains sad. Because I know that's all I am to you.
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It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind.
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you
That I care?
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Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
But I know you're worth it
You're worth it!
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Your arms are still around me. I've stopped crying, though I hadn't realised I had started, but he holds me still. And I'm thinking…
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If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you- away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down- on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
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…and if I could say what I want to say and see what I want to see, it would be worth every step along the way- every trip and fall and every time I failed to get up. And I want to tell him so badly…
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What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
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Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it,
You're worth it
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For so long there have been these things I swore I'd never say and in my own way I've said each of them but I want to say them in a way he'll understand, a way that everyone can understand. I want to say these things in a way that the world can understand… and yet they'd suddenly forget if he rejected me.
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If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you- away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I wanna see
I wanna see you go down- on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
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I lift my head to look into his eyes and there is a moment where my heart seems to contract into a tiny ball that is being bounced around my chest. In this moment I realise that there are some things that cannot be said. Some things have to be done.
So I reach up and do what I have wanted to do for a long long time.
I kissed him and I saw what I wanted to see.