Jamie and I are sitting in the caf during lunch as I'm picking out girls to possibly be his prom date.
"That girl over there?" I point to Clare Armstrong, a short brunette girl at the next table over. She's in one my classes, but I don't know her very well. She seems nice, though, could get along with Jamie. Heck, anybody could, Jamie's the kind of person who can be, and pretty much is friends with everyone.
"Nah, isn't she more your type?" He asks.
I have to keep myself from laughing at that. I doubt that Jamie even knows my type. More of a tall, blond, blue eyes, and freckles type. Caring, smiles and laughs a lot, loyal, heart-on-the-sleeve, and more specifically, male. And sitting right in front of me.
"What about Juliet Polmanski?" I ask, trying to think of which girls don't have a date for prom.
Jamie groans and I know he's thinking what I'm thinking- that Juliet is really shy. And by that, I mean that she hardly says more than two words to anyone other than Emily Leslie, her best, and possibly her only friend. I don't think either of them are planning on going to prom, though.
I'm in the middle of eating a fry when I think of someone who might be a good date for Jamie.
"I know! Lia Marcus. You both do Gumshoe so you could talk about literary magazine stuff."
"I heard she was going to ask Michael Schoenberger," he says as he steals some fries from my plate. I don't mind, though, we've been sharing food for years, considering we've been best friends since grade three.
"Jamie, every girl without a date is asking the Schnozbooger."
"Huh?" Jamie looks confused.
"He's safe, safer than asking some guy you have a crush on, right?" I grin, unable to stop it from spreading across my face as I think of the guy I have a crush on. Okay, so it's more than just a crush, but my point still stands.
"Wait, what?" Jamie asks, not catching what I'm hinting at.
"Come one, Jamie, Everyone think's Michael's gay."
"Gay?" he repeats, looking panicked.
I know Jamie's not homophobic, not even close, as I'm pretty sure he is gay too, but that doesn't stop the cold tightness that grips my heart as I imagine Jamie reacting like that when I come out to him.
I take a few relaxing breaths to calm down, and focus back on our conversation. I shrug as if being gay doesn't seem like a big deal, even though me, and hopefully Jamie too, being gay is a big deal in my heart.
"Michael has a date, I have a date. You, my friend, still need a date."
"You have a date?" Jamie's eyes widen slightly. "Since when?"
"Since I asked Bahti Rajagopolan in physics."
"Huh?"
"You're the one who wants to go to prom, so I'm going," I say, even though I'm not big on the idea of prom in the first place. I'd much rather be, hanging out side by side on either Jamie's or my bed as we watch movies or play video games.
"Thanks, but I still need to find someone to go with."
"We don't have to go, we could do something else," I think of this idea I got a few days ago, when Jamie first mentioned that he was wanting to go to prom.
"Like what?" Jamie asked, a hint of suspicion laced in his voice.
"I dunno, go to McCall," I say as if I hadn't been building on this plan for longer than I'd like to admit. "Stay in Frank's condo."
"We never have any fun there," Jamie groans out.
"Without Frank," I add on, hoping to sell him on going with me. I look down the table at a few of our other friends like Kellen and Brodie. "Maybe invite some of the guys?" I'd rather it be just the two of us, but if inviting them meant that he'd go up there with me, then so be it.
"You kidding me?" Jamie asked incredulously, eyebrows raised. "It'd turn into a kegger. My parents would flip-" he pauses, and I guess that the hurt and disappointment must've shown on my face. "We should go to prom. I mean, Bahti's counting on you," he tries a different route.
"Yeah, probably. She's cute, right?" I know it shouldn't really matter whether he thinks she cute or not, and considering his lack of interest in girls, I'd say probably not. But I do want to know if Jamie likes her enough to hang out with her for most of prom night.
"Mmhmm," Jamie hums halfheartedly, and I just continue to watch him, hoping that he'll give a proper answer. "Yeah, cute. Great smile."
I try to not look to relieve. "You think?" He nods.
"I love you, man," I say as I hit his shoulder.
Whenever I say 'I love you' to Jamie, my heart flutters and I can't wait to be able to say it to him and have him know that I mean it in a not-just-friends way. It's a thought that takes up most of my daydreams, being out and together with Jamie, my best friend, my whole world.
I figured out that I was gay during the summer just before freshman year, and I found that I was ogling more of the shirtless guys on the beach and less of the girls in skimpy bikinis. I had always been more interested in guys for the longest time, but seeing both showing so much sweaty skin and still choosing the dudes, well, that's what tipped me off.
I told Jamie that I didn't want to date in high school, claiming that it would be too much drama, but in truth? I was scared. Scared as I was trying to figure out my sexual orientation. Scared as I wondered what Jamie would do, say, or how he would act around me after he knows. Scared of my father, knowing that he wanted me to marry a Latina girl and have a big family, knowing he would be disappointed in me, as though being gay is a choice.
It wasn't too much longer after that that I realized that my feelings for Jamie go past platonic best friends.
It's all the little things. It's how he furrows his eyebrows when he's thinking. It's the way his hair catches the sun, golden in it's light. It's the bright, beautiful blue of his eyes that make me feel like I'm drowning, unable to breath properly. It's the way they light up when he's happy or gets excited. It's how he curls up on his side, mumbles to himself, and sighs as he sleeps. It's the way his hair is ruffled from sleep in the mornings. It's how he looks at me and the way he gives me his undivided attention when I'm talking. It's the way he is fiercely loyal to everyone, his friends and people he's just met alike. It's the way he'll jump in to help with a moment's hesitation. It's his laugh that's contagious, light chuckles, giggles, or full out head-thrown-back laughing making my heart lighter. It's his smile. His goddamn adorable smile that makes my knees go weak.
But mostly, it's the way he feels like home.
I always feel safe when I'm around Jamie, like I can be myself around him.
Which makes it hurts.
It hurts that I can be myself around him.
Because I'm not.
Not really.
I haven't told him.
Which also makes it harder.
Harder to tell him.
Harder to come out because I don't want anything to change.
I can't tell him.
I need to tell him.
I love you, Jamie.
I'm laying on my bed later that night, ready to go to sleep when I get a text from Jamie.
How bout a limo?
For prom?
Ye
Dunno, wouldn't that be a bit expensive?
Right before college, too
We'd be sharing with Lia, Michael, DeMarco,
and Holland
Plus Bahti and my date
Do you even have a date yet?
:( mean
Just askin
Emily?
Emily _?
Leslie
Juliet's friend?
Does she say much more than Juliet?
Or go anywhere without her?
Idk
Dude
I'm just saying
Isn't she in some of your classes?
Ye
Haven't really talked to her outside class,
tho
How can you expect to find a date if you
keep shooting down everyone I know
who doesn't have one?
:(
Mean
Meanie butt
/3
Sorry, J
…
J?
Nope
/3
I'll bring you cookies tomorrow?
…
Homemade?
…
… okay
:)
:)
G2g, need to put the girls to bed
Okay, say good night for me
Will do
Shouldn't they be asleep by now?
They were hiding from mom earlier, so
their baths got delayed
They thank you for wishing them a good
night
…
:(
What?
:(
:(
Alight, alright
Good night, Jamie, hope you sleep
wonderfully beneath the moon and stars
xoxo
Better?
:)
Yes, thank you
Go to bed , you big baby
-_- zzzzz