The following story is at best a flattering imitation of Daria that is not intended to pass for an actual episode of the show. Any resemblance to an actual episode of Daria is purely coincidental.

 (Thanks to Mike Quinn for this disclaimer, it's perfect!)

To the Denizens, currently the Refugees of Outpost Daria, without whose inspiration I wouldn't even bother. To Canadibrit who gave me the title of this piece. And to Lew, who knows that I know the technical scientific answer to the buttering cat question.

This is a fluffy-fic. Meant only for fun and because I was really bored this summer.

Oh, and I am a fence-sitter. Any shipper references here are meant only to tease the shippers. Not one word Lew.

Bored Clueless

By Desanera

Scene 1: The Setting

(Jane's room – early afternoon – first week of summer vacation.

The blinds in the room are drawn. Daria is lying on Jane's bed, feet towards the headboard, head hanging slightly off the foot of the bed. She's in the "eating at your soul" pose.

She makes a feeble attempt to raise her head.

Attempt fails – and her head bounces back on the bed. Bounce bounce bounce. Bounce.

Said attempt is repeated.

Fails again. Bounce bounce bounce. Bounce.

Jane enters the room with a blue plastic bag. She tosses the bag next to the bed and tilts her head, looking at Daria.)

JANE: (smirking, amused) Get through to the aliens yet?

DARIA: Nope – they put me on hold.

JANE: Damn telepathic answering system.

DARIA: (in a tone of mild agony) Just tell me you got something good.

JANE: (winces) Depends on what you mean by good.

(Daria glares at her.)

JANE: Sorry Daria – all the rest of the bored people in Lawndale got to the video store before I did.

DARIA: You think they'd find something better to do.

JANE: Nope – they pretty much follow the herd.

DARIA: In theory so are we.

JANE: Already thought of that while waiting on line. Most of the people there had a car and money. They have a choice. If we had a car and some money…

DARIA: We could repeatedly plow into Lawndale High and have the money to get off on a technicality?

JANE: Screw Lawndale High – Tijuana all the way baby!

(Daria tilts her hanging head and gives Jane a curious look)

JANE: Of course we'd blow up the school by remote.

DARIA: Of course. Now put on the damned movie.

(Jane moves towards the VCR in her room)

JANE: Jeez Daria – you're just a slave-driver.

DARIA: That's right. Don't make me get out my riding crop.1[t1]

(Irony being what it is….)

TRENT: (opens the door and comes in) Hey Daria.

(Jane starts making a gagging noise as she puts the movie in the VCR, trying desperately not to laugh. Daria props herself up and gives Jane a death glare, which makes her choke harder.)

TRENT: (giving his sister a look) Are you OK? I told you to stay away from those sock mushrooms Dad keeps in the fridge. 2[t2]

(Daria gives a smirk and averts her eyes from Jane)

TRENT: Remember the last time you did the shrooms and ended up with the four 'masterpieces' you made with fuzzy soy sauce?

DARIA: (trying not to laugh) Sock shrooms?

JANE: (Throws a pillow that hits Trent square in the face) Daria….

DARIA: I know – don't ask….

JANE: (glaring at Trent) Don't tell.

TRENT: (muffled – pillow still on his face) What's wrong with you two?

JANE: (still glaring) Damn writer's block. Damn artist's block. (Sighs) Can't even depend on Sick Sad World anymore. Damn season finales. Nothing good on TV till September. 3[t3]

DARIA: What sense does it make to take all the good TV off just when you get the time to watch it?

JANE: All the good TV?

DARIA: OK, the three shows that don't cause my brain cells to fling themselves screaming into oblivion's peaceful embrace.

JANE: This is you on writer's block?

DARIA (as if she didn't hear) Speaking of screaming oblivion, I haven't seen the rustbucket, nor it's intrepid driver…

JANE: Tom's family is making him visit relatives in Maine. He'll be back in August…

DARIA: (still not moving) Unless his car tries to commit suicide. With him in it. Again. 4[t4]

JANE: (listlessly) No chance of that – he's stuffed in his parents' sedan. Besides – he got that fixed.

DARIA: The decent thing to do would be to put that thing out of it's misery.

(The movie starts just in the middle of the third ending, about when the Chef's death is being explained.)

JANE: Ah – the real ending.

TRENT: (removing the pillow that's somehow stuck to his face) I dunno, I always think this ending kind of sucked. It's kind of a cop-out, to have everyone be the killer.

(Daria rolls to her side and looks at Trent)

TRENT: I guess it makes the most sense, (she frowns) but….

(Knock on Jane's door. Trent goes to answer it – it's Jesse laden down with six boxes of pizza.)

JESSE: Hey Trent – you sure this is enough?.

(Daria smirks at Jane)

JANE: Oh no – you guys are NOT eating that in here.

TRENT: Come on Janey – the TV downstairs is broken.

JANE: And who was supposed to have it fixed?

TRENT: You said you'd do it. Remember?

JANE:  (interrupting hastily) Don't play mind games with me young man.

JESSE: Come on Jane – please?

JANE: OK, you can stay – but Daria and I get two of the pizzas, and you guys eat that on the tarp.

JESSE: (placing two of the pizzas on top of Jane's bed) You win. Only cause we're bored.

DARIA: (still hanging upside down) Join the club Kimosabe.

(Daria watches, bemused as Trent takes two of the tarps from behind Jane's easel and spreads them out on the floor to sit on.)

JESSE: So what are we watching?

JANE: Clue – it's almost all I could find. (The tape's at the end credits, Jane starts to rewind it)

JESSE: Cool – I really liked the ending.

JANE: Which one?

JESSE: The first one, where Scarlet did it. Even though it's not the real one.

DARIA: (makes the sucking teeth noise)

JANE: Ms. Morgandorffer, do you have anything to share?

DARIA: (glaring at Jane) Not without my attorney…

JANE: Just what's wrong with the real ending?

DARIA: It's not the real ending.

JESSE: Of course it is – they say so right before they play it.

DARIA: (irritated) That ending's ridiculous – even if the evidence was right, which it's not, the small scraps of motive they present don't even hold water.

JANE: (bemused) Oookay Mrs. Columbo, calm down.

JESSE: (obviously missing something) Daria got married?

TRENT: Don't be stupid – she's not even legal.

(All eyes on Trent)

TRENT: (typical obliviousness) What?

DARIA: (quickly changing the subject) Alright Detective Lane – let's hear your theory on the crime.

JANE: (allowing herself to be distracted) I don't see what's so wrong with the third one – other than the motive thing. I mean if the butler's really Mr. Boddy, than there's no reason for him to hold the dinner in the first place – he could just keep on blackmailing people.

JESSE: OK, I'm getting confused now.

TRENT: Why don't you start from the beginning.

DARIA: (looks at him surprised) Are we all really that bored?

JANE: You have to ask that?

DARIA: (levers herself into a sitting position). OK – let's start.

Scene 2: The Players.

(The tape is past the intro music, and you see Wadsworth checking on the maid, Yvette. Jane gives a thoughtful look, and grabs a sketchpad and some pencils off the nightstand.)

DARIA: Uh oh. What are you doing?

JANE: Getting hit by inspiration.

DARIA: I told you about ducking those things.

(Jesse and Trent laugh)

JANE: (ignores the laughs and shows something to Daria) How about this?

(Shows a sketch of Brittany as Yvette. Think French Maid's outfit, short on skirt, very low neckline. Fishnets, high heels, lace cap and really really bad french accent, which comes into play later.)

DARIA: (smirk) I can find no fault in your casting. You have the cook next…

JANE: Too easy. (Starts working furiously)

 DARIA: And you need someone for Wadsworth, the butler.

JANE: (bigger smirk, sketching fast) Inspiration hits again!

DARIA: Why am I suddenly feeling the need to duck and cover?

JESSE: I thought inspiration never hit the same place twice?

JANE: (not looking up from sketching) That's lightning. (finishes and hands sketchpad over to Daria) Here – what about this?

(Shows a picture of Trent done up in butler gear, hair slicked back, clean shaven and earrings missing.)

DARIA: (looking nervously over at Trent) I don't know – the butler does an awful lot of running around…

JANE: That would make it fiction, wouldn't it? (ducks Daria's glare) Besides, it was either Trent or Tom, and I have a different role in mind for him…

DARIA: I don't even want to ask. And you forgot the cook.

JANE: No I didn't. (Shows another sketch. This one's of Tiffany, an enormous Tiffany wearing a blue servant's outfit with a white cap and apron, chopping the head off of a duck with a huge cleaver.)

DARIA: Isn't that a bit obvious?

JANE: It was either her or Mrs. Yohanson…

TRENT: Who?

DARIA: The woman in the warehouse store who was fighting with Mr. DeMartino over the cheese logs.

JESSE: ::shudders:: She creeps me out. But those were good cheese logs though.

TRENT: Can't beat mozzerella.

(Jane makes a half choked laughing noise and continues sketching.)

(The movie's up to the point where Colonel Mustard is entering the mansion.)

JANE: Now, who to pick, who to pick?

DARIA: (starting to get into the game) Well, he's a lech, but then again so is Professor Plum. So Upchuck's a tossup for either. He's a military man, but seeing DeMartino hit on Miss Scarlet is just kinda creepy. Any ideas Jane?

(Jane is drawing furiously, oblivious to all outside stimuli except for occasional glimpses at the screen)

DARIA: Earth to Jane.

JESSE: Forget it – she's gone.

TRENT: Better just wait this one out Daria. Besides, you were supposed to show us how you get the right ending to the movie.

DARIA: (giving one last glance at the other oblivious Lane) Well, we're at a good part for it. See, the butler lets Colonel Mustard in, and starts the whole introduction speech, which is supposed to explain why everyone is named after a color. Wadsworth then shows….

(Daria's narration is interrupted by Jane triumphantly showing her a sketch of Kevin, as a blonde, dressed up in a brown evening suit with a bowtie and sporting a natty handlebar moustache. Daria barely smothers a giggle, because Kevin is still wearing the football pads underneath the suit and Jane's given him a mock-dignified pose with a monocle in his eye. It's a very silly-looking picture. Trent looks up at Daria questioningly, as she seldom laughs, and she hands him the sketches Jane's done so far. Jane goes back to sketching.)

TRENT: (Looking at himself as Wadsworth) Not bad. But Janey, you forgot the guitar.

DARIA: He's a butler…

JANE: (without looking up) Don't try – you'll never convince him of it.

DARIA: Ooookay. Anyway – the point is the butler leaves Colonel Mustard alone in the study with Yvette for twenty-seven seconds.
JANE: (not looking up) You timed it?

JESSE: They need more than that. That's barely enough time to suck face.

DARIA: Um, that's not what I…

TRENT: You're not supposed to say that in front of chicks man.

DARIA: Um, actually…

(Jane starts laughing, Daria shoots her a dirty look)

JESSE: Which part, the sucking face or the needing more time?

DARIA: Guys…

TRENT: (philosophical) Either one actually.

DARIA: (in an unnaturally loud voice) Oh, look, the pizza's getting cold!

Both Guys: FOOD! (They start digging into the first box of pizza, Teriyaki Hawaiian Ham Supreme with extra dumpling sauce.[t5] 5 )

JANE: (trying to recover from her laughing fit) Nice diversion.

DARIA: With no help from you.

JANE: I was working on my latest masterpiece. I present - the arrival of Mrs. White.

(Daria takes one look at the sketch and glares at Jane.)

DARIA: I find fault in your casting.

JANE: Oh really? Let's see what the guys think.

DARIA: Let's not and say we did.

JANE: Let's do and say we didn't. 6[t6]

DARIA: (glaring) Jane, you were going to quit this childish…

JANE: Come on Daria – it's a good sketch.

(Daria takes another good look at the sketch, and we see it for the first time. It's a shot of the moment when Mrs. White enters, 'looking all pale and tragic', with the netting over her face and fanning out her black coat lined in white satin. Wadsworth is holding the door open, waiting to take her coat. Of course, being that this is a truly Janian 7[t7] sketch, Mrs. White is Daria, sans glasses and with a short hairdo. Her eyes are cast downward, ostensibly at her coat, but there's this little side-glance she's throwing at Wadsworth/Trent, full of appraisal and a hint of "hello salty goodness" 8 [t8] – the glance of a true Black Widow. As for the butler, Trent has a little eyebrow raise of his own, being an appreciative glance as Mrs. White reveals her inner black gown. And as much as Daria dislikes being teased, she has to appreciate the subtlety of the sketch.)

DARIA: Keep the casting, but this goes in the folder.

JANE: (relieved that Daria actually likes the sketch, as much as she'll admit to it anyway) Deal.

JESSE: Hey, there's going to be a catfight.

JANE: What?

JESSE: Yeah, Mrs. White and Yvette are about to go at it.

JANE: Oh, that comes later in the movie.

DARIA: Jane – you're running behind.

JANE: OK – somebody pause the tape.

JESSE: (Tosses the remote under the bed) Hey – we barely started the movie!

TRENT: Come on Janey – hurry up.

DARIA: (to Jane) Mrs. Peacock, Mr. Green, Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet. (opens the first box of pizza on top of the bed) Um, Jane, what's this green stuff?

JANE: (after a brief scowl at Jesse, begins sketching madly) Is it fuzzy?

DARIA: Not that I can see.

JANE: (not looking up) Then don't worry about it.

JESSE: That's pesto.

DARIA: (peering tentatively at the pizza) Um, what are the things that look like tentacles?

JESSE: That's not tentacles, that's Calamari.

TRENT: (after a pause) Which would make them tentacles. Come on Daria – it's perfectly good pizza. Live a little.

DARIA: (giving the pizza a tentative sniff, and a tiny teeny bite.) Its… not bad. Not sure why you ordered it though.

JESSE: We didn't. We took whatever they had fresh out of the oven.

TRENT: Never had it before.

DARIA: How did you know if it was good then?

TRENT: Didn't.  Just wanted to see if you'd eat it.

(THWAPP)

TRENT: (Talking around another pillow seemingly stuck to his face) Mth Ffffffm Mmph Mmm.

DARIA: (turning to Jesse) Translation?

JESSE: He says you girls are going to lose all your pillows if you keep throwing them at his face.

(Trent takes the pillow off his face and puts it behind his back, smiling at Daria.)

JANE: (bounces up and shouts, effectively distracting everyone) YES! Genius achieved!

DARIA: And she hasn't even touched the green tentacle pizza yet.

JANE: Yeah, and I…the WHAT pizza?

DARIA: (sighs and grabs Jane's sketchbook as Jane investigates the pizza.) Let's see what damage you've done.

JANE: (in the background) You guys gave us the two weirdest pizzas, didn't you?

JESSE: (Defensive) You didn't say which two pizzas you wanted….

(Brief shot of the TV – the movie is up to the point where the guests are seated around the table having dinner.)

(Scene fades to black)

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t1]As Lew has pointed out to me, slave drivers don't use riding crops. I know that. This is a tiny little dominatrix joke floating around work based on last Halloween's shopping spree. Don't ask.

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t2]I get fungus growing on just about everything in my fridge, I wouldn't put it past socks.

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t3]Ever notice about the middle of June there isn't a damned thing on TV?

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t4]This has happened to my brother a number of times. Some dumb quirk in the car that locks the steering wheel and locks the brake off in case of an accident.

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t5]This would be my brother's favorite pizza. That, and he's got this theory that dumpling sauce tastes good on everything. Even desserts. I don't know, I'm still not buying that one.

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t6] From Transylvania Twist. Not the brightest or the funnies of movies, but it's got some damn nice lines.

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t7] This is a word, it's in English Literature. Check out Jane Eyre. "A true Janian reply!"

PAGE \# "'Page: '#'
'"  [t8] Cordelia's reaction to Angel. If you don't watch Buffy, this will make no sense to you, and I feel very sorry for you. You're missing tons of cool one-liners.