The rain had slowly died off becoming a dreary mist that hung heaivily on
the landscape. A shrill scream shattered the dull silence and a bright
object went whirling through the air, barely missing the head of Legovlad,
Gothic Elf. "Stupid, stupid alarm clock!" an exasperated Pip screamed.
"Hullo there, old girl" shouts Legovlad "What seems to be the major
malfunction?"
"It's that stupid clock!" barks Pip "It's going to make me late for Gilbo's
party" "Party! Good Show! That's just the ticket on such a Grey and Horrid
Day."(Which is also the name of the Celtic Goth garage band that Legovlad
sings for.) says Legovlad. "Absolutely correct, old friend" quips Pip "I
can't wait to be there. His jellied tripe is the envy of the territory."
"True enough!" opines Lego. "He's a culinary genius. Let's put a good foot
under us." Off they set, headed for the shire.
Little did they know that the culinary prowess of their friend came from
the ring that was in his possession. Gilbo kept the ring in a pouch hung
from the belt of his kilt. He was not Scottish so the neighbors felt that
he was a trifle odd. He just liked the feel of the breeze between the
trees.(If you know what I mean) He had no idea that this was 'The One Ring'
mentioned in the old tales.
3 rings for the bakers, in their tall white hats,
7 rings for the friers, who dip things in fats
9 rings for waitresses, who try to make big tips,
1 ring for the Master Chef to help him come to grips
1 ring to chop things,
1 ring to grind them,
1 ring for mise en place,
And in the kitchen find them
In Mordor, where the entees fly
Gilbo had acquired the ring in a masterful trade at the Misty Mountain flea
market .It had come attached to the bottom of a wok He claimed to have
gotten it for a song. (And a riddle) Said wok was currently on the front
left burner of the third stove in the front kitchen. Bubbling within was a
gallon of sweet and sour squid lips. Although the Ring conferred great
power to the bearer, the dishes were a bit unusual. i.e. Salmon cakes
rolled in fondant and trimmed with marzipan, Kentucky Fried chicken feet,
peanut butter and jellyfish, Toad in the Hole.with real toads. All were
delicious; all were unusual.
"Man, I'm on a roll today!" shouts Gilbo. "Yeah! A cinnamon roll! Cinnamon
roll? Hmmm. if olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from? He-ey! I might be on to something. How about
DOG biscuits? Whoa, Dude! What about GIRL SCOUT COOKIES? ! Yo, little girl!
Hold up!" Out runs Gilbo in pursuit of a guide.
Slowly the front door creaks open. "Hullo! Is any one to home?" asks
Walker Boh. "Don't look like it." gripes Jimmy, his faithful companion. "I
think we're late " "No way!" says Walker. "The party isn't until tomorrow."
"Late!" growls Jimmy "It was yesterday." "Tomorrow!" barks Walker "I can
tell time. Look, 30 days hath dismember, silver spoon and rocktember,
therefore, today is the day BEFORE the party." "At any rate," says Jimmy,"
there's no one about. Say! There's an 007 multithon at the Megaplex. Let's
slide down and check it out." "Okay, but I'm not dragging these swords
along for one more step. Let me stash them in the corner, and we're outa
here.'' agrees Walker. The swords are stashed and they saunter off.
"Whew!" grunts Gilbo, as he re-enters the back door "I didn't think a kid
that small could run that fast. I think I'll grab a nap before my guests
arrive." He turns to go and trips over a bulky bundle. "Now how in the
wide, wide world of sports did they get there? Ah, well. No time to be
bothered now. I have important resting to do." Gilbo heads for his favorite
bedroom.
Chapter 2 *A Missy Elliot tune plays in background 'I Can't Stand the Rain'* The incessant mist had settled over the forest like a dirty grey curtain. The forest felt like the basement of a poorly run frog farm. A shiny sphere whizzes past Legovlads head. "Confound, consarn, and dash it all!" shrieks Pip. "Trouble, old friend?" questions Lego. "Stupid alarm clock!" exclaims Pip "It's gone all rusty in this damp." "Ah yes, the weather. Quite right! Good for the complexion, eh wot?" says Lego. A sarcastic Pip answers "Just perfect. For a corpse! All cold and clammy! Or a Gothic Elf. My name is Pippin! I should have rosy red apple cheeks. More like applesauce in all this wet. I can't wait to be inside, by a nice roasty fire, with a nice cup of tea, and some nice biscuits. Oh, by the way, are there any more of those lovely Girl Scout Cookies that nice Mr. Gollum gave us?" "Sorry, Pet. You've eaten the last of those miles back." says Legovlad. "Blast!" barks a hungry Pip. "Shhh! Pip, get down!" exclaims Lego. "Trouble?" asks Pip. "Cows!" says Lego "Double blast! Did you see something?" questions Pip. "Stepped in, more like." gestures Lego. "More good news!" opines Pip. "I think I can see them off in the distance" says Lego." They seem to be searching for something. Sniffing the air from time to time. I think we should take a back road to Gilbo's. I certainly don't want to run into those cows." "Or their deposits." giggles Pip. "Hmph! Quite right!" snaps Lego, dragging her foot along the grass.
They fend their way along an unused path. As they travel, they notice the sky clearing and the mist dissipating. "Pip, have you noticed that the sky is clearing since we turned off the road to Gilbo's?" "Yes, and the mist is dissipating, as well. What's up with that?" asks Pip. "I think something is afoot!" quips Lego. "NOT more cow pie!" shrieks Pip. "No you blithering blatherskite! Things are untoward." says Lego. "I was right, more cow pie. Say what you mean!" says Pip. "Oh all right! I think something is up at Gilbo's" Lego says, crossly. "OOOHH.' drawls Pip, "I see!" "Right! Come on, then." growls Vlad, unhappy at her inability to use her new Thesaurus, again. As they mount a small incline, they hear a commotion coming from the other side. "Careful!" says Vlad. "It may be Orcs." "You're daft!" says Pip "There are no Orcs in this part of the country. Hasn't been for years." "Don't be so sure of yourself, Dearie." quips Vlad. "By the way, you're standing in cow dung." "Wonderful! My day is made." snaps Pip, dragging her foot along the grass. Pip and Vlad leave the road and pick their way through the brush until they crest the hill. Peering over the top, they see a small boy being poked by a smallish Orc. " 'NO Orcs!' she says. 'Not for years' she says. Well, just what do you say now, Missy?" demands Lego. "I say that it's unusual and unprecedented." Pip says, defensively. "More importantly, what shall we do about it? They won't allow us to have swords. What shall we do!?" queries Vlad "Give me a minute." Says Pip. Suddenly, a shiny object whizzes past Legovlad's head towards the Orc. "Stupid alarm clock!" shouts Pip as she bounds down the hill "Whatever!" yells Lego, hurtling along behind Pip.
Chapter 3 The clock strikes the back of the Orc as our intrepid heroes reach the clearing. The Orc emits a high- pitched growl, and turns to reveal, not an Orc, but a middling handsome young woman. She is clad in an Orc helmet, Orc boots, and an Orc cloak over the most darling ensemble. "Say! Just who are you?" demands Legovlad. Drawing up to her full height, the young woman thrusts her hands to her hips and declares. "I am Orcwen of the Orkneys!" "No chance, Mate! Not with that accent!" sneers Pip "I'd know a countryman if I heard one and YOU are NOT one." "Yeah! You're Right." says Orcwen "But 'Orcwen of Sault Ste. Marie!' is not a euphonious appellation." "Right!" says Legovlad "I see. Say, why were you poking the youngster with that stick?" "OH!" says Orcwen "That's just Tweak. He's my dwarf.and he's adopted." "I am neither!" shouts Tweak. "And Mama said to stop saying that!" "He's a registered genius, you know." says Orcwen. "How did he come to be called Tweak?" asks Pip. "Oh" says Orcwen "He didn't COME to be called Tweak. He COME to be annoying. I just CALL him Tweak." "UHH. right." says Vlad "But why?" "Well" says Orcwen "He's a registered genius and registered genii can be very annoying. When I think that he has reached his annoying quota, I grab his nose and." "Ow!" screams Tweak. Rubbing his nose, he continues "Hey! I think I would like a new name." "Okay!" says Orcwen. "How about POKE!" she asks, thrusting her stick at his belly. ".or PUNCH?" asks Vlad, landing one on his arm. ".or FLICK!" Pip questions of his now red ear. ".or JAB!" inquires Orcwen with her finger stuck in his side. "How about Sam?" shouts Tweak, running for cover. The three stop and stare at each other, questioningly. Finally, Orcwen says "Okay, but you'll have to be written out of the story. Sam is much too plain a name for such a glorious tale." "Fine!" says Sam, peering out from the safety of the bushes "I'm tired of you AND your new playmates!" Sam heads out on the road for Motor City. Stopping, he intones "Oh, by the way. I'm TE_E_E_EL_LING!" He waggles his bum at the group and takes off, running. Suddenly, a shiny object whizzes past Sam's head. "Stupid alarm clock!" shouts Pip "Where does she get those things?" Orcwen inquires of Legovlad. "I think she buys them wholesale." Says Vlad
Chapter 4 "All righty" exclaims Orcwen "now that Tweak has gone, my afternoon has opened up! What shall we do next?" "Right!" says Legovlad "Pip and I were on our way to a party at our friend, Gilbo's. Why don't you come along? He does make the very best jellied tripe in the territory." "Yes! Yes!" exclaims Pip "Gilbo's going to give Lego a heart, and me a brain." "Pip!" interrupts Lego "Wrong story!" "Sorry!" says Pip "I saw those trees playing football and I got confused." "Trees playing football!" the others scream, simultaneously. The three crawl up on a grassy knoll for a better view. An eerie voice groans "I come for you!" The three grab each other. "What was that?" shrieks Lego. "I dunno!" wails Pip "I hate it!" cries Orcwen. "You three have trespassed." the voice moans, icily. The three are frozen with fear. Unexpectedly, an arm scoops them up, and herds them towards the trees. "It's okay, neighbor!" shouts the owner of the arm "I'll handle this for you!" Grinning, he continues. "Sorry, folks!" he whispers to our heroes "That's old Dwight Barrows. He built his home underground to save energy. Now, he spends half his time mowing the lawn, and the other half carping about people walking on the grass." "Hey!' he says, cheerily "let me introduce myself. My name is Bob Tommbadom. I own and operate the water park over on the river. I have the largest water slide in all of Middle Hearth! The lovely lady next to me is my wife, Goldhairy. Perhaps, you've seen our commercials?" Goldhairy hikes up her flowing skirt and begins to "Tina Turner" dance. "Sliding.Sliding.Sliding on the Ri-i-ver! DOO duh doo doo doo." "Oh!"Orcwen screams with delight, "I HAVE seen them! Very interesting! I really like the waterfall montage for the Forbidden Pool. Classic!" "Well, then" sparkles Bob. "Here's a few passes for you and your friends. 'Slide on down', as we say. It's going to be busy day now that the weather has cleared up. I think it's time for Goldhairy and me to 'slide' on out of here. See ya!" Bob and Goldhairy slide out of the picture, leaving our troop much closer to the playing field than they had intended to be.
Chapter 5 "Hey, you lot!" Says the tallest tree "how's to giving us a hand, here?" " Wha.wha.what seems to be the trouble?" stutters Lego. "Manchester tried to head the ball, and missed! The ball lodged in his upper branches. We sent the Ref up to fetch it, but now we can't get the Ref down, either." He states. "Well, What do you want from us?" asks Orcwen. "Hows to one of you climbing up and throwing down the ball, or the Ref, or both?" "Right!" says Vlad "Pip! You go!" "Why me?" asks a disturbed Pip. "A. You're the best climber, and B. I think I can beat you in a fair fight." opines Vlad. "A. You're right, as usual, and B. you are dead wrong. But, I'll go any way." Pip states as she begins her climb. "HEY! Easy there! I'm ticklish." barks Manchester. (Barks-get it? I crack myself up) "Here" says the tallest "let me get you started." He gently lifts Pip in to Manchester's branches. "I'll take it from here1" shouts Pip to the group below, and she begins her ascent. "Right!' says Legovlad "Introductions all around, then! I'll start. I am Legovlad, Gothic Elf, 14, from England. This is Orcwen, 18, from the Land of a Thousand Dances. Climbing in your friend, is Pippin, 14, from Scotland. Oh, and I'm female, sometimes I forget to say that." "Very well," says the tallest "I am Westlanx, to my right is Liverpool. 'Cross field is Surrey. Midland plays wing, and you've already met Manchester. "Very pleased to meet you." Says Orcwen with a polite bow. "You know, we don't meet many talking trees, these days."
"Scouse me!" growls Liverpool." 'OO be you callin' trees?" "See here!" says a perturbed Lego "You certainly give every impression of BEING trees." "It's an easy mistake to make." Says Westlanx "Actually, we're Aints." "What's an Aint? I don't believe that I've heard of them before." Says Lego. "Cor!" groans Liverpool "We ain't trees! See! But, we ain't people, eiver! See? We're AINTS!" Meanwhile, high above the group, Pip reaches the branch with the trapped ball. As she pulls it free, Pip becomes aware of a pair of eyes watching her. "Uhoh! More good news!" she mutters to herself. Mustering up her courage, she turns to the eyes and shouts "Come out of there, you!" "NO!" moans the eyes, "I'm too shy!" "See here!" says Pip, sharply "I've no time for foolishness. I must get to Gilbo's party. Get out from behind those leaves!" A small dark figure begins to emerge while trying, it seems, to hide behind herself. "Oh" Pip exclaims. "You're a Faeree!" "Yes, but a very shy one." says the figure. "What makes you so shy?" queries Pip. "I don't know." Says the faeree "I just am!" "Say" says Pip, amicably "Why don't you come with us, to Gilbo's? He's going to give Lego a heart, and me a brain. Maybe, he can get you some courage." "Pip!" Lego shouts from below "Wrong story!" "Sorry!" shouts Pip,to her friends on the ground "It's these trees"
"They're Aints! hollers Vlad. "There ain'ts what?" asks Pip. "No Girl Scout Cookies. I know that." "No!" screams Vlad "These folk! That fellow you're climbing in! They're Aints!" "There ain'ts what?!" demands Pip, grabbing on for dear life "No safety nets?" A slow burning Vlad mutters intemperate words under her breath. "Uh, Pip" shouts a worried Orcwen "why don't you just climb down." "Okay!" sings pip "Here we come!" Shortly, a soccer ball bounces in their midst, followed by Pip, with a small figure tucked under her arm. "Legovlad, Orcwen meet shy faeree." intones Pip. "I am very pleased to meet you!" says faeree as she curtsies. "And, we are happy to make your acquaintance, as well!" states Vlad, as she and Orcwen bow. "I invited faeree to go with us to Gilbo's," says Pip "Yes! We heard." drones Vlad. Then to faeree, she says, with a smile, "Do join us! Gilbo does make the very best jellied tripe." "Excellent!" says faeree. "I am particularly fond of jellied tripe!" "Great!" says Orcwen "We're a fearsome foursome! Maybe, we can get in a round of Golf!" "Yeah!" says Pip "Or a rubber of bridge!" "Fine!" sneers Vlad, icily. "You can be dummy." "What's got her tail twisted?" asks a hurt Pip. "I'll explain it all, later." Says Orcwen, conciliatorily. As they prepare to depart, the Aints come bustling up. "Here come those trees again." Says Pip "They're AINTS!" screeches Vlad, from between clenched teeth. "Don't go starting that again!" scolds Pip. Westlanx interrupts. "We've come to thank you for your help, and, also to warn you. Be wary, if you seek the Shire this day, for something is afoot!" "Not more cow dung!" groans Pip, scraping her foot along the grass. "Far worse!" Westlanx continues. "The cows are servants of the Dark Chef. They search for his lost Ring. And they are heading for the shire! There have been reports of culinary magic in the Shire, and that is a sure sign of the ring's presence." "Gilbo!!!" our foursome gasps, in wide- eyed terror. "We've got to hurry!" commands a fearful Vlad. "Good luck, then!" says Westlanx "We know not what changes today will hold, for the Aints march on the White Tower." "Oh" squeals Pip "to throw down the wizard and.set the country to rights?" "Uuuuhhh, no" says Westlanx incredulously, staring at Pip and thinking that she has toked up a really fine bowl of pipeweed. "We're just going to score some 'burgers. But, thanks for asking." To the others, "Do be careful!" he says, eyeing Pip, cautiously. The Aints march off. "Doesn't the White Tower lie very close to the land of the Lady of Lothlorien?" asks faeree. "Yes" says Orcwen" At this time of the year, the Lady battle the giants that attack her land," "The Lady is very good at it. " says faeree. "Once, she scored 16 points!" "How, exactly, does one score points?" asks Legovlad. "It has something to do with throwing their balls through a net." Says Orcwen. "That should keep 'em tied up!" smirks Pip.
Chapter 6 Gilbo has risen from his nap and walks in to the kitchen. He shakes his head to clear the cobwebs. "Man!" he yawns. "That was a great nap. Not my greatest nap. That would be my 6 years at college. But this one was certainly aces. Aahh! There's nothing like a nice nap before supper.except a nap after!" He ties on his apron and picks up a towel. "I think that I'll clean up before the guests arrive." He begins to do the dishes while singing one of his nonsense songs. "I hate to do the dishes It's really against my wishes I'd rather eat knishes Or go swim with the fishes." Gilbo was interrupted by a tapping on the window over the sink. He looks up and sees another tasty dish. Opening the window, he croons "Hellooo, Betty! Just what is it that I can do for you, and I DO mean YOU!", in his very best Groucho voice. "Easy, Bud!" says The Dish "I ain't that kind of girl!" "That's not MY fault!" says Gilbo "Did you ever consider converting? I have a convertible couch. Maybe, I could help you out! ", still in his Groucho mode. "Lay off that stuff, Cappy!" she snaps. Then in her best Margaret Dumont voice, she declared "I am the Lady Arwen!" Groucho/Gilbo continues "Darling! I love you! Won't you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the 2nd question, first." Vexed by the proposal, Arwen answers sharply "I told you to lay off that stuff! Don't make me damage you! I don't carry these kippers for nothing, you know! ", as she reaches in her secret pocket for the tin. Groucho, slowly returning as Gilbo, says with chagrin "Okay, Toots! But I swear I ain't making a nickel on the deal. Say, Babe! Just why, exactly, are you tiptoeing through my tulips?" "Actually, I believe that they are Peonies." Arwen says, with aplomb. "Swell! A Botanist with attitude! My dreams come true! Why are you in my flower garden, at all?" demands Gilbo. "I used to hang out here, and I'm trying to find my old friends." Says Arwen. "That's all well, and good, but you're trampling my garden. Why can't you use the door, like normal folk?" asks Gilbo. "Well," Arwen sneers, coldly "all the paths, leading to your door are covered with cow dung." "Cow dung!" screams Gilbo "The walks were clear before I took my nap," "That may be," replies Arwen "but, now, there are disgusting piles of poo leading right up to your doorstep." "Look here!" cries a distraught Gilbo "Pick your way around to the back door, and I'll let you in. Then, we'll see what we can do. I've guests coming, in a short while!" "That's a very strange way to prepare for a party, spreading manure all about." Says Arwen, as she steps through the door. "I haven't spread anything!" says Gilbo "All I ever spread for a party is good cheer .and butter." "Hullo!" calls a new head, poking in the kitchen window, "Is anyone at home?" "Don't people use doors, any more?" grouses an exasperated Gilbo. "Normally, I do. But, your doors seem to be collecting cow pies." says the head. "Not a collection that I am proud of." says Gilbo "Meanwhile, Why is your head intruding through my kitchen window?" "Sorry! My name is Ash. I used to know a lot of good folks up this way, and I've just stopped by to renew acquaintances." "Today must be your lucky day, Skippy!" shouts an exasperated Gilbo "They will, all, be here for a party today, IF I can find a way to clear the walks. Step lively, now! And come in by the kitchen door."
Chapter 7 Barely had ash stepped over the sill, when another voice rang out, through the window "Gilbo! Gilbo! Are you in there? It's the Lady of Lothlorien!" Turning towards the voice, a grinning Gilbo bows, with mock politeness, "Lady! How pleasant! Do come in. Oh, wait. You're. AT MY WINDOW! " "Gilbo! This is no time to be contrary!" says The Lady, sharply. "I was cleaning my 'Romper Room-Doo Bee-Magic TV Mirror'; and I saw you in it. You were faced with danger on all sides!" "Actually," smirks Gilbo, "I'm faced with poo, on all sides." "Fool of a Gilbo! This is no ordinary poo! These droppings were made by the Nazcows!" snaps the Lady, harshly. "Nazcows?! What in the wide, wide world of sports is a Nazcow?!" queries a frightened Gilbo. "Once, they were waitresses in a fine restaurant. They received rings, as gifts and they were slowly, but inexorably, drawn to the dark side. Now they are servants of the Dark Chef!" says the Lady, ominously. Cupping his hands over his mouth, Gilbo intones, "Luke, I AM your father!" The Lady slaps him on the back of his head just as the back door flys open, under the onslaught of the Fearsome Foursome. "GILBO!" they shout in unison. Then, they degenerate into a confusing quartet. At various points, Gilbo hears: "Aints!", "Cows!", "A heart!", "Bob Tombadom!", "Shy!", "Stupid alarm clock!", "A brain!", "Goldhairy!", "Tweak!", "Barrows!", Finally, one of them says the secret word (ring), the duck drops down, and they fall silent. Then, they scream, "The Ring!" and make a grab for Gilbo's kilt. "Ladies,please!" laughs Gilbo, dancing away. "I'm not that kind of guy!" "Yes! You are! And you damned well know it!" quoths Lothlorien, grabbing his pouch. "A few pints in you, and this story will be told with an X-rating." "Lady, you flatter me." smiles Gilbo. "Quiet! Or, I'll Flatt-EN you!" barks Lothlorien. Reaching into his pouch, she retrieves the Ring and holds it aloft. "Here's the culprit!" she says, triumphantly Chapter 8 From outside, a mournful bleating is heard ( actually, SHEEP bleat; cows LOW, but who knows that beside me) "Moooo. That's not my station." "Moooo. No substitutions." "Moooo. 20% gratuity for large parties." "Moooo. Moooo." The front door is bowed by three heavy blows. BOOOOOM! BOOOOM! BOOOOM! The door is torn form its hinges and is thrown through the entrance. The group is dumbfounded. Frozen in place. They stare, wide eyed, mouths gaping. Finally,Gilbo utters, flatly "Bell broken; please knock." "Psssst! Gilbo!" whispers Pip "Wrong story! An oppressive darkness fills the room as a massive black figure, with piercing eyes, enters the hall. "I have come for my Ring!" a booming voice calls out. Gilbo's jaw tightens. He rolls back his right shoulder, as though he were arming a weapon. He snarls "You have COME to get your Ass kicked, Cap!" "Gilbo!" whisper-screams Arwen "That's the Dark Chef!" "Dark Chef, my fat Irish ass!" Gilbo barks at Arwen "Do you have any idea what I paid for that door?!" "Fool! Your puny efforts are of no consequence!" bellows the Dark Chef "Enough time has passed! Deliver me, my Ring!" Gilbo screams in rage "What!! You pig- smearing, toad-licking, monkey-plucking, chicken-stickin' lump of flatulating duck butt! I'll stick my so-and-so so far up your so-and-so that you'll have to take off your so- and-so just to take a so-and-so." As Gilbo's tirade continues, an awed Orcwen says to the group, in admiration, "I guess you really CAN'T take the South Baltimore out of the boy!" "Gilbo!" hisses Lothlorien "You can't defeat him that way! Use your head!" Gilbo stops in mid-insult. He spies walker's bundle. Grabbing it, he, quickly tosses it to Legovlad. "What?" cries a stunned Vlad "Pip! Swords! They given us swords!" She sings "Swords, swords, shiny and bright. One for my left hand, one for my right!" She begins to dance, madly. Those who know her, have already taken cover. Still cavorting, Legovlad continues, joyously "Ha! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Lunge! Pointe! Recover! Ha! Aaarrrgh! Avast, ye swabs!." The Dark Chef backs away, defensively.
"Quick!" yells Gilbo to the group "We haven't much time. You know that olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn." "Yes!' the group says, expectantly. "And you've heard my theories on DOG biscuits and GIRL SCOUT cookies?" "Eeewwww!" they say. "Well," says Gilbo, as he holds up a vegetable peeler and an apple corer, "how about.CHEF SALAD! Le-ets do it!" he turns and runs toward the dark Chef. The others grab kitchen implements and follow Gilbo. "Freedom!" yells a kilted Gilbo. "Tally ho!" shouts a confused Legovlad. "For the Shire!" screams Ash. 'Elbereth Githoniel!" cry Arwen and Lothlorien. "Remember the Alamo.only reverse!" faeree shouts in Spanish, which I have cleverly translated. "Stupid alarm clock!" screeches an enthusiastic Pip Chapter 8 "Gilbo! That was incredible! Uuuuuuurrrrrrrppp!" says Lothlorien "No, darling Lady," crows Gilbo "THAT was incredible. A dwarf on six day bender could not have eructed a more magnificent belch. Do have another helping of the jellied tripe." "Thank you, Gilbo!" says The Lady "But I couldn't hold another morsel." "OOOHHH!" groans faeree "My belly hasn't been this full, since my grandma's last visit." "Delicious!" Pip cries with delight "My broiled beefheart was much tastier than Lego's brains and eggs. Wrong story, HA!" "Hear,Hear! Good show!" bubbles Legovlad "I believe, though, that I would like another wedge of that tasty Salmon Cake. May I have back my sword, to cut a slice?" "NO!" the group erupts "Great chow, Gilbo!" says Orcwen "I've eaten enough for Tweak and me." Lady Arwen inquires "Gilbo! What shall become of the Ring?" Gilbo smiles "This" This isn't a magic ring. This is just an old wedding band that I wear when I'm trying to get lucky." "Where is the real Ring?" demands Lothlorien. Gilbo laughs, merrily "I gave it to that nice Mr. Gollum who sold me those tasty Girl Scout cookies. He said that he wanted to try his hand at a HOT DOG cart." "Eeeewwww!" they groan "But, Gilbo" interjects Ash "What will you do with the cows?" An exuberant Gilbo expounds "This summer, expect two things. Beautiful flowers, and Tasty Barbecue!" 'Say, Pip!" a concerned Gilbo asks "You've been very quiet. What's the problem?" A shiny object whizzes past Legovlads head and out the kitchen window. "Stupid alarm clock!" cries Pip. "What now, Old Friend?" "It says it's time to go!" END
Chapter 2 *A Missy Elliot tune plays in background 'I Can't Stand the Rain'* The incessant mist had settled over the forest like a dirty grey curtain. The forest felt like the basement of a poorly run frog farm. A shiny sphere whizzes past Legovlads head. "Confound, consarn, and dash it all!" shrieks Pip. "Trouble, old friend?" questions Lego. "Stupid alarm clock!" exclaims Pip "It's gone all rusty in this damp." "Ah yes, the weather. Quite right! Good for the complexion, eh wot?" says Lego. A sarcastic Pip answers "Just perfect. For a corpse! All cold and clammy! Or a Gothic Elf. My name is Pippin! I should have rosy red apple cheeks. More like applesauce in all this wet. I can't wait to be inside, by a nice roasty fire, with a nice cup of tea, and some nice biscuits. Oh, by the way, are there any more of those lovely Girl Scout Cookies that nice Mr. Gollum gave us?" "Sorry, Pet. You've eaten the last of those miles back." says Legovlad. "Blast!" barks a hungry Pip. "Shhh! Pip, get down!" exclaims Lego. "Trouble?" asks Pip. "Cows!" says Lego "Double blast! Did you see something?" questions Pip. "Stepped in, more like." gestures Lego. "More good news!" opines Pip. "I think I can see them off in the distance" says Lego." They seem to be searching for something. Sniffing the air from time to time. I think we should take a back road to Gilbo's. I certainly don't want to run into those cows." "Or their deposits." giggles Pip. "Hmph! Quite right!" snaps Lego, dragging her foot along the grass.
They fend their way along an unused path. As they travel, they notice the sky clearing and the mist dissipating. "Pip, have you noticed that the sky is clearing since we turned off the road to Gilbo's?" "Yes, and the mist is dissipating, as well. What's up with that?" asks Pip. "I think something is afoot!" quips Lego. "NOT more cow pie!" shrieks Pip. "No you blithering blatherskite! Things are untoward." says Lego. "I was right, more cow pie. Say what you mean!" says Pip. "Oh all right! I think something is up at Gilbo's" Lego says, crossly. "OOOHH.' drawls Pip, "I see!" "Right! Come on, then." growls Vlad, unhappy at her inability to use her new Thesaurus, again. As they mount a small incline, they hear a commotion coming from the other side. "Careful!" says Vlad. "It may be Orcs." "You're daft!" says Pip "There are no Orcs in this part of the country. Hasn't been for years." "Don't be so sure of yourself, Dearie." quips Vlad. "By the way, you're standing in cow dung." "Wonderful! My day is made." snaps Pip, dragging her foot along the grass. Pip and Vlad leave the road and pick their way through the brush until they crest the hill. Peering over the top, they see a small boy being poked by a smallish Orc. " 'NO Orcs!' she says. 'Not for years' she says. Well, just what do you say now, Missy?" demands Lego. "I say that it's unusual and unprecedented." Pip says, defensively. "More importantly, what shall we do about it? They won't allow us to have swords. What shall we do!?" queries Vlad "Give me a minute." Says Pip. Suddenly, a shiny object whizzes past Legovlad's head towards the Orc. "Stupid alarm clock!" shouts Pip as she bounds down the hill "Whatever!" yells Lego, hurtling along behind Pip.
Chapter 3 The clock strikes the back of the Orc as our intrepid heroes reach the clearing. The Orc emits a high- pitched growl, and turns to reveal, not an Orc, but a middling handsome young woman. She is clad in an Orc helmet, Orc boots, and an Orc cloak over the most darling ensemble. "Say! Just who are you?" demands Legovlad. Drawing up to her full height, the young woman thrusts her hands to her hips and declares. "I am Orcwen of the Orkneys!" "No chance, Mate! Not with that accent!" sneers Pip "I'd know a countryman if I heard one and YOU are NOT one." "Yeah! You're Right." says Orcwen "But 'Orcwen of Sault Ste. Marie!' is not a euphonious appellation." "Right!" says Legovlad "I see. Say, why were you poking the youngster with that stick?" "OH!" says Orcwen "That's just Tweak. He's my dwarf.and he's adopted." "I am neither!" shouts Tweak. "And Mama said to stop saying that!" "He's a registered genius, you know." says Orcwen. "How did he come to be called Tweak?" asks Pip. "Oh" says Orcwen "He didn't COME to be called Tweak. He COME to be annoying. I just CALL him Tweak." "UHH. right." says Vlad "But why?" "Well" says Orcwen "He's a registered genius and registered genii can be very annoying. When I think that he has reached his annoying quota, I grab his nose and." "Ow!" screams Tweak. Rubbing his nose, he continues "Hey! I think I would like a new name." "Okay!" says Orcwen. "How about POKE!" she asks, thrusting her stick at his belly. ".or PUNCH?" asks Vlad, landing one on his arm. ".or FLICK!" Pip questions of his now red ear. ".or JAB!" inquires Orcwen with her finger stuck in his side. "How about Sam?" shouts Tweak, running for cover. The three stop and stare at each other, questioningly. Finally, Orcwen says "Okay, but you'll have to be written out of the story. Sam is much too plain a name for such a glorious tale." "Fine!" says Sam, peering out from the safety of the bushes "I'm tired of you AND your new playmates!" Sam heads out on the road for Motor City. Stopping, he intones "Oh, by the way. I'm TE_E_E_EL_LING!" He waggles his bum at the group and takes off, running. Suddenly, a shiny object whizzes past Sam's head. "Stupid alarm clock!" shouts Pip "Where does she get those things?" Orcwen inquires of Legovlad. "I think she buys them wholesale." Says Vlad
Chapter 4 "All righty" exclaims Orcwen "now that Tweak has gone, my afternoon has opened up! What shall we do next?" "Right!" says Legovlad "Pip and I were on our way to a party at our friend, Gilbo's. Why don't you come along? He does make the very best jellied tripe in the territory." "Yes! Yes!" exclaims Pip "Gilbo's going to give Lego a heart, and me a brain." "Pip!" interrupts Lego "Wrong story!" "Sorry!" says Pip "I saw those trees playing football and I got confused." "Trees playing football!" the others scream, simultaneously. The three crawl up on a grassy knoll for a better view. An eerie voice groans "I come for you!" The three grab each other. "What was that?" shrieks Lego. "I dunno!" wails Pip "I hate it!" cries Orcwen. "You three have trespassed." the voice moans, icily. The three are frozen with fear. Unexpectedly, an arm scoops them up, and herds them towards the trees. "It's okay, neighbor!" shouts the owner of the arm "I'll handle this for you!" Grinning, he continues. "Sorry, folks!" he whispers to our heroes "That's old Dwight Barrows. He built his home underground to save energy. Now, he spends half his time mowing the lawn, and the other half carping about people walking on the grass." "Hey!' he says, cheerily "let me introduce myself. My name is Bob Tommbadom. I own and operate the water park over on the river. I have the largest water slide in all of Middle Hearth! The lovely lady next to me is my wife, Goldhairy. Perhaps, you've seen our commercials?" Goldhairy hikes up her flowing skirt and begins to "Tina Turner" dance. "Sliding.Sliding.Sliding on the Ri-i-ver! DOO duh doo doo doo." "Oh!"Orcwen screams with delight, "I HAVE seen them! Very interesting! I really like the waterfall montage for the Forbidden Pool. Classic!" "Well, then" sparkles Bob. "Here's a few passes for you and your friends. 'Slide on down', as we say. It's going to be busy day now that the weather has cleared up. I think it's time for Goldhairy and me to 'slide' on out of here. See ya!" Bob and Goldhairy slide out of the picture, leaving our troop much closer to the playing field than they had intended to be.
Chapter 5 "Hey, you lot!" Says the tallest tree "how's to giving us a hand, here?" " Wha.wha.what seems to be the trouble?" stutters Lego. "Manchester tried to head the ball, and missed! The ball lodged in his upper branches. We sent the Ref up to fetch it, but now we can't get the Ref down, either." He states. "Well, What do you want from us?" asks Orcwen. "Hows to one of you climbing up and throwing down the ball, or the Ref, or both?" "Right!" says Vlad "Pip! You go!" "Why me?" asks a disturbed Pip. "A. You're the best climber, and B. I think I can beat you in a fair fight." opines Vlad. "A. You're right, as usual, and B. you are dead wrong. But, I'll go any way." Pip states as she begins her climb. "HEY! Easy there! I'm ticklish." barks Manchester. (Barks-get it? I crack myself up) "Here" says the tallest "let me get you started." He gently lifts Pip in to Manchester's branches. "I'll take it from here1" shouts Pip to the group below, and she begins her ascent. "Right!' says Legovlad "Introductions all around, then! I'll start. I am Legovlad, Gothic Elf, 14, from England. This is Orcwen, 18, from the Land of a Thousand Dances. Climbing in your friend, is Pippin, 14, from Scotland. Oh, and I'm female, sometimes I forget to say that." "Very well," says the tallest "I am Westlanx, to my right is Liverpool. 'Cross field is Surrey. Midland plays wing, and you've already met Manchester. "Very pleased to meet you." Says Orcwen with a polite bow. "You know, we don't meet many talking trees, these days."
"Scouse me!" growls Liverpool." 'OO be you callin' trees?" "See here!" says a perturbed Lego "You certainly give every impression of BEING trees." "It's an easy mistake to make." Says Westlanx "Actually, we're Aints." "What's an Aint? I don't believe that I've heard of them before." Says Lego. "Cor!" groans Liverpool "We ain't trees! See! But, we ain't people, eiver! See? We're AINTS!" Meanwhile, high above the group, Pip reaches the branch with the trapped ball. As she pulls it free, Pip becomes aware of a pair of eyes watching her. "Uhoh! More good news!" she mutters to herself. Mustering up her courage, she turns to the eyes and shouts "Come out of there, you!" "NO!" moans the eyes, "I'm too shy!" "See here!" says Pip, sharply "I've no time for foolishness. I must get to Gilbo's party. Get out from behind those leaves!" A small dark figure begins to emerge while trying, it seems, to hide behind herself. "Oh" Pip exclaims. "You're a Faeree!" "Yes, but a very shy one." says the figure. "What makes you so shy?" queries Pip. "I don't know." Says the faeree "I just am!" "Say" says Pip, amicably "Why don't you come with us, to Gilbo's? He's going to give Lego a heart, and me a brain. Maybe, he can get you some courage." "Pip!" Lego shouts from below "Wrong story!" "Sorry!" shouts Pip,to her friends on the ground "It's these trees"
"They're Aints! hollers Vlad. "There ain'ts what?" asks Pip. "No Girl Scout Cookies. I know that." "No!" screams Vlad "These folk! That fellow you're climbing in! They're Aints!" "There ain'ts what?!" demands Pip, grabbing on for dear life "No safety nets?" A slow burning Vlad mutters intemperate words under her breath. "Uh, Pip" shouts a worried Orcwen "why don't you just climb down." "Okay!" sings pip "Here we come!" Shortly, a soccer ball bounces in their midst, followed by Pip, with a small figure tucked under her arm. "Legovlad, Orcwen meet shy faeree." intones Pip. "I am very pleased to meet you!" says faeree as she curtsies. "And, we are happy to make your acquaintance, as well!" states Vlad, as she and Orcwen bow. "I invited faeree to go with us to Gilbo's," says Pip "Yes! We heard." drones Vlad. Then to faeree, she says, with a smile, "Do join us! Gilbo does make the very best jellied tripe." "Excellent!" says faeree. "I am particularly fond of jellied tripe!" "Great!" says Orcwen "We're a fearsome foursome! Maybe, we can get in a round of Golf!" "Yeah!" says Pip "Or a rubber of bridge!" "Fine!" sneers Vlad, icily. "You can be dummy." "What's got her tail twisted?" asks a hurt Pip. "I'll explain it all, later." Says Orcwen, conciliatorily. As they prepare to depart, the Aints come bustling up. "Here come those trees again." Says Pip "They're AINTS!" screeches Vlad, from between clenched teeth. "Don't go starting that again!" scolds Pip. Westlanx interrupts. "We've come to thank you for your help, and, also to warn you. Be wary, if you seek the Shire this day, for something is afoot!" "Not more cow dung!" groans Pip, scraping her foot along the grass. "Far worse!" Westlanx continues. "The cows are servants of the Dark Chef. They search for his lost Ring. And they are heading for the shire! There have been reports of culinary magic in the Shire, and that is a sure sign of the ring's presence." "Gilbo!!!" our foursome gasps, in wide- eyed terror. "We've got to hurry!" commands a fearful Vlad. "Good luck, then!" says Westlanx "We know not what changes today will hold, for the Aints march on the White Tower." "Oh" squeals Pip "to throw down the wizard and.set the country to rights?" "Uuuuhhh, no" says Westlanx incredulously, staring at Pip and thinking that she has toked up a really fine bowl of pipeweed. "We're just going to score some 'burgers. But, thanks for asking." To the others, "Do be careful!" he says, eyeing Pip, cautiously. The Aints march off. "Doesn't the White Tower lie very close to the land of the Lady of Lothlorien?" asks faeree. "Yes" says Orcwen" At this time of the year, the Lady battle the giants that attack her land," "The Lady is very good at it. " says faeree. "Once, she scored 16 points!" "How, exactly, does one score points?" asks Legovlad. "It has something to do with throwing their balls through a net." Says Orcwen. "That should keep 'em tied up!" smirks Pip.
Chapter 6 Gilbo has risen from his nap and walks in to the kitchen. He shakes his head to clear the cobwebs. "Man!" he yawns. "That was a great nap. Not my greatest nap. That would be my 6 years at college. But this one was certainly aces. Aahh! There's nothing like a nice nap before supper.except a nap after!" He ties on his apron and picks up a towel. "I think that I'll clean up before the guests arrive." He begins to do the dishes while singing one of his nonsense songs. "I hate to do the dishes It's really against my wishes I'd rather eat knishes Or go swim with the fishes." Gilbo was interrupted by a tapping on the window over the sink. He looks up and sees another tasty dish. Opening the window, he croons "Hellooo, Betty! Just what is it that I can do for you, and I DO mean YOU!", in his very best Groucho voice. "Easy, Bud!" says The Dish "I ain't that kind of girl!" "That's not MY fault!" says Gilbo "Did you ever consider converting? I have a convertible couch. Maybe, I could help you out! ", still in his Groucho mode. "Lay off that stuff, Cappy!" she snaps. Then in her best Margaret Dumont voice, she declared "I am the Lady Arwen!" Groucho/Gilbo continues "Darling! I love you! Won't you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the 2nd question, first." Vexed by the proposal, Arwen answers sharply "I told you to lay off that stuff! Don't make me damage you! I don't carry these kippers for nothing, you know! ", as she reaches in her secret pocket for the tin. Groucho, slowly returning as Gilbo, says with chagrin "Okay, Toots! But I swear I ain't making a nickel on the deal. Say, Babe! Just why, exactly, are you tiptoeing through my tulips?" "Actually, I believe that they are Peonies." Arwen says, with aplomb. "Swell! A Botanist with attitude! My dreams come true! Why are you in my flower garden, at all?" demands Gilbo. "I used to hang out here, and I'm trying to find my old friends." Says Arwen. "That's all well, and good, but you're trampling my garden. Why can't you use the door, like normal folk?" asks Gilbo. "Well," Arwen sneers, coldly "all the paths, leading to your door are covered with cow dung." "Cow dung!" screams Gilbo "The walks were clear before I took my nap," "That may be," replies Arwen "but, now, there are disgusting piles of poo leading right up to your doorstep." "Look here!" cries a distraught Gilbo "Pick your way around to the back door, and I'll let you in. Then, we'll see what we can do. I've guests coming, in a short while!" "That's a very strange way to prepare for a party, spreading manure all about." Says Arwen, as she steps through the door. "I haven't spread anything!" says Gilbo "All I ever spread for a party is good cheer .and butter." "Hullo!" calls a new head, poking in the kitchen window, "Is anyone at home?" "Don't people use doors, any more?" grouses an exasperated Gilbo. "Normally, I do. But, your doors seem to be collecting cow pies." says the head. "Not a collection that I am proud of." says Gilbo "Meanwhile, Why is your head intruding through my kitchen window?" "Sorry! My name is Ash. I used to know a lot of good folks up this way, and I've just stopped by to renew acquaintances." "Today must be your lucky day, Skippy!" shouts an exasperated Gilbo "They will, all, be here for a party today, IF I can find a way to clear the walks. Step lively, now! And come in by the kitchen door."
Chapter 7 Barely had ash stepped over the sill, when another voice rang out, through the window "Gilbo! Gilbo! Are you in there? It's the Lady of Lothlorien!" Turning towards the voice, a grinning Gilbo bows, with mock politeness, "Lady! How pleasant! Do come in. Oh, wait. You're. AT MY WINDOW! " "Gilbo! This is no time to be contrary!" says The Lady, sharply. "I was cleaning my 'Romper Room-Doo Bee-Magic TV Mirror'; and I saw you in it. You were faced with danger on all sides!" "Actually," smirks Gilbo, "I'm faced with poo, on all sides." "Fool of a Gilbo! This is no ordinary poo! These droppings were made by the Nazcows!" snaps the Lady, harshly. "Nazcows?! What in the wide, wide world of sports is a Nazcow?!" queries a frightened Gilbo. "Once, they were waitresses in a fine restaurant. They received rings, as gifts and they were slowly, but inexorably, drawn to the dark side. Now they are servants of the Dark Chef!" says the Lady, ominously. Cupping his hands over his mouth, Gilbo intones, "Luke, I AM your father!" The Lady slaps him on the back of his head just as the back door flys open, under the onslaught of the Fearsome Foursome. "GILBO!" they shout in unison. Then, they degenerate into a confusing quartet. At various points, Gilbo hears: "Aints!", "Cows!", "A heart!", "Bob Tombadom!", "Shy!", "Stupid alarm clock!", "A brain!", "Goldhairy!", "Tweak!", "Barrows!", Finally, one of them says the secret word (ring), the duck drops down, and they fall silent. Then, they scream, "The Ring!" and make a grab for Gilbo's kilt. "Ladies,please!" laughs Gilbo, dancing away. "I'm not that kind of guy!" "Yes! You are! And you damned well know it!" quoths Lothlorien, grabbing his pouch. "A few pints in you, and this story will be told with an X-rating." "Lady, you flatter me." smiles Gilbo. "Quiet! Or, I'll Flatt-EN you!" barks Lothlorien. Reaching into his pouch, she retrieves the Ring and holds it aloft. "Here's the culprit!" she says, triumphantly Chapter 8 From outside, a mournful bleating is heard ( actually, SHEEP bleat; cows LOW, but who knows that beside me) "Moooo. That's not my station." "Moooo. No substitutions." "Moooo. 20% gratuity for large parties." "Moooo. Moooo." The front door is bowed by three heavy blows. BOOOOOM! BOOOOM! BOOOOM! The door is torn form its hinges and is thrown through the entrance. The group is dumbfounded. Frozen in place. They stare, wide eyed, mouths gaping. Finally,Gilbo utters, flatly "Bell broken; please knock." "Psssst! Gilbo!" whispers Pip "Wrong story! An oppressive darkness fills the room as a massive black figure, with piercing eyes, enters the hall. "I have come for my Ring!" a booming voice calls out. Gilbo's jaw tightens. He rolls back his right shoulder, as though he were arming a weapon. He snarls "You have COME to get your Ass kicked, Cap!" "Gilbo!" whisper-screams Arwen "That's the Dark Chef!" "Dark Chef, my fat Irish ass!" Gilbo barks at Arwen "Do you have any idea what I paid for that door?!" "Fool! Your puny efforts are of no consequence!" bellows the Dark Chef "Enough time has passed! Deliver me, my Ring!" Gilbo screams in rage "What!! You pig- smearing, toad-licking, monkey-plucking, chicken-stickin' lump of flatulating duck butt! I'll stick my so-and-so so far up your so-and-so that you'll have to take off your so- and-so just to take a so-and-so." As Gilbo's tirade continues, an awed Orcwen says to the group, in admiration, "I guess you really CAN'T take the South Baltimore out of the boy!" "Gilbo!" hisses Lothlorien "You can't defeat him that way! Use your head!" Gilbo stops in mid-insult. He spies walker's bundle. Grabbing it, he, quickly tosses it to Legovlad. "What?" cries a stunned Vlad "Pip! Swords! They given us swords!" She sings "Swords, swords, shiny and bright. One for my left hand, one for my right!" She begins to dance, madly. Those who know her, have already taken cover. Still cavorting, Legovlad continues, joyously "Ha! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Lunge! Pointe! Recover! Ha! Aaarrrgh! Avast, ye swabs!." The Dark Chef backs away, defensively.
"Quick!" yells Gilbo to the group "We haven't much time. You know that olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn." "Yes!' the group says, expectantly. "And you've heard my theories on DOG biscuits and GIRL SCOUT cookies?" "Eeewwww!" they say. "Well," says Gilbo, as he holds up a vegetable peeler and an apple corer, "how about.CHEF SALAD! Le-ets do it!" he turns and runs toward the dark Chef. The others grab kitchen implements and follow Gilbo. "Freedom!" yells a kilted Gilbo. "Tally ho!" shouts a confused Legovlad. "For the Shire!" screams Ash. 'Elbereth Githoniel!" cry Arwen and Lothlorien. "Remember the Alamo.only reverse!" faeree shouts in Spanish, which I have cleverly translated. "Stupid alarm clock!" screeches an enthusiastic Pip Chapter 8 "Gilbo! That was incredible! Uuuuuuurrrrrrrppp!" says Lothlorien "No, darling Lady," crows Gilbo "THAT was incredible. A dwarf on six day bender could not have eructed a more magnificent belch. Do have another helping of the jellied tripe." "Thank you, Gilbo!" says The Lady "But I couldn't hold another morsel." "OOOHHH!" groans faeree "My belly hasn't been this full, since my grandma's last visit." "Delicious!" Pip cries with delight "My broiled beefheart was much tastier than Lego's brains and eggs. Wrong story, HA!" "Hear,Hear! Good show!" bubbles Legovlad "I believe, though, that I would like another wedge of that tasty Salmon Cake. May I have back my sword, to cut a slice?" "NO!" the group erupts "Great chow, Gilbo!" says Orcwen "I've eaten enough for Tweak and me." Lady Arwen inquires "Gilbo! What shall become of the Ring?" Gilbo smiles "This" This isn't a magic ring. This is just an old wedding band that I wear when I'm trying to get lucky." "Where is the real Ring?" demands Lothlorien. Gilbo laughs, merrily "I gave it to that nice Mr. Gollum who sold me those tasty Girl Scout cookies. He said that he wanted to try his hand at a HOT DOG cart." "Eeeewwww!" they groan "But, Gilbo" interjects Ash "What will you do with the cows?" An exuberant Gilbo expounds "This summer, expect two things. Beautiful flowers, and Tasty Barbecue!" 'Say, Pip!" a concerned Gilbo asks "You've been very quiet. What's the problem?" A shiny object whizzes past Legovlads head and out the kitchen window. "Stupid alarm clock!" cries Pip. "What now, Old Friend?" "It says it's time to go!" END