I told, or, tried to tell a screaming Peeta, that I was going to 4 to visit my mother. I take the train and I do step off when it reaches 4, but only to drop off Lavinia and Darius at my mother's. I don't want them with Peeta, especially not alone. Instead of staying however, I carry on to district two, right towards the middle of Panem. I walk shakily from the train station to the town hall, the place where the magnificent justice building used to lie. I can't help but think of the last time that we were here together, when we sat by the fire, where we kissed. I know that this is exactly what I want, yet I do not feel the tiniest shred of happiness about being here, I just feel distressed. My legs carry me through the extravagant wooden gates and am greeted by a young man who sits at a desk. I make an attempt to brush my hair over my eyes, even though this man is probably too young to recognise me. "May I help you ma'am?"
"C-could you tell me where I may find Gale Hawthorn please?"
"Who are you, might I ask?"
"I-but-I,"
"I'll need to see some identification."
I brush the hair from my eyes and pull a small golden pin from my pocket. His eyes widen in recognition. "I'll need that address now please." I say as calmly as possible, returning my pin. He gives me the directions and I leave, my whole body shaking. It must be less than a forty minute walk to his home because I'm there in less than no time but when I get there my heart flips. He clearly doesn't live alone. His house looks like it could fit ten people at least. I'm not prepared for this, it didn't even cross my mind. Stupid! I think to myself, stupid, selfish woman! I am an idiot. I'm just leaving when a boy comes running down the road. I turn when I hear the footsteps and almost drop dead at the sight of him, my mouth falls open. He is the spit of the fourteen year old Gale that I met in the woods that day so long ago. He has the same dark hair, the same grey eyes, the same expression that he looked at me with while I examined his delicate snares. I feel tears threatening to make an appearance but swallow them back immediately
"Hello? Hello?" his voice brings me back to my senses.
"Hello," I say quietly.
"You looking for mom? Or dad?"
"Yes." I reply giving myself a small shake, "is Gal-you're father in?
"Yeah, do you want me to get him for you?" he asks me
"I- no, no." I turn and start to walk back down the street, moments later however, I sense someone following me. I spin round and lift my hand to protect my face.
"Catnip?" his quiet voice calms me and I look up to him, I open my mouth but no words come out. "It's really you?" His voice cracks at the end and I can feel his hand reach out to me.
"Gale." I whisper, barely audible
"What are you doing here Katniss?" he doesn't sound angry or annoyed, he's merely asking me a question.
Tears fill my eyes, "I need to talk to you." He recognises my voice and can see that I'm in trouble so he places a hand on my shoulder and walks me down the path.
"Are you okay?" he asks me steadily. I shake my head frantically and try to gulp down big sobs but they keep coming and I can't hold them in any longer, "hey, hey, what's up?" he asks me kindly, sitting me on a nearby bench and carefully brushing a stray stand of hair from my forehead, wiping away the tears from my face. I look at him. He's the same as he always was. Tall, dark, handsome, except he's worn and tired now also.
"It-it-it's P-Peeta," I choke, expecting to feel his hand stiffen at the mention of his name. but it doesn't. "He- h- he keeps, f- forgetting."
"Forgetting?"
"Yes, well, remembering, really, he goes… mad. Tries to kill everything he sees. I can't even-" I pause, giving a sharp intake of breath as Gale wraps a protective arm around my shoulder, "I thought it would wear off, but it gets worse, a lot worse. I- I'm just scared oh who he'll hurt, Gale."
He envelopes me in his big, strong arms and I press my face into his shoulder. I breathe in the scent of him, that smell I know so well. I press my eyes shut and wish that, just for one moment, we could go back to when we were both two, lost, fatherless children, looking for a friend and finding each other.
Tears spill from my eyes and I pull away, "I can't do this, I can't, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come,"
"Wait!" he calls after me as I walk down the road, but I have no intention of facing him again so I break into a run, "Catnip."
His voice is so helpless behind me that I have to stop, turn to face him and press my lips against his as uncontrollable tears slide down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry," I say and I start to walk away.
"Katniss." Gale's voice is behind me and unbelievably steady and collected. He touches my shoulder and tilts my head gently towards him. He looks at me calmly and brushes the hair from my face, carefully wiping the streaks from my face, "Gale," I begin, "Gale, do you love me?"
He tries to answer naturally, but it comes out too rushed to be believable, "What?" he springs up, "What? What?! Katniss, I'm married, you can't do this, my wife is pregnant with her- our fifth child!"
At this, my eyes drift downwards, to where my third baby lies, he follows my gaze, "how many?"
"This is the third," I reply quietly, "but… Gale,"
"Yes?"
"My, my oldest is twelve in less than a week," I start to sniff and take big gulps of air, oh great, I'm going to bawl again.
"Katniss, Katniss, that's all over now."
"So! I'm still terrified, Gale!"
"What can I do about it?" his voice is so cold that I have to turn away; I bite my lip and beg myself not to cry again. After a few moments, he speaks up again, "why did you have them? If it scares you so much?"
I know I must answer, but he's not going to like it, "Peeta, he- he wanted them so badly and I-"
"Ah. Peeta. Where does he fall in this great big mess? Huh?" he cocks his head to the side and looks at me coolly. I've never said it aloud before, but now, I know I must,
"I don't love Peeta."
"Then why are you with him?" he shoots back immediately.
"I DON'T KNOW!" I shout, surprised at my sudden anger, "I don't know why I married him, it's my biggest, ever regret."
"He would do anything for you, Katniss."
"I don't care!" my voice has gone scarily loud again and I don't like it, but it's beyond my control, "I. DON'T. CARE. Gale, I don't care what he would do for me, okay? Do you remember," I say, "in the house by the lake, you told me you loved me?"
"Katniss-"
"LOOK AT ME!" I yell, "LOOK. AT. ME." I'm screaming and probably bring locals to their windows but I don't care. "LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME NOW." I stare at him, tears gushing from my eyes, waiting for a response, an explanation.
The last thing he says before he disappears back into his house is. "I can't."