Gretchen lay down on her bed and closed her eyes. She had almost forgotten what it was like to relax over the past months. She always tried not to think of Claire in these moments, when she was alone with her feelings. But she could never help it. Claire was everything to her, and her every thought. Just as Gretchen settled into a dream of fumbling hand holding and always unexpected eye contact Claire burst into the room. Gretchen shot up, a little dazed from her half-asleep dreaming.
"Oh...hey. What's up?" Gretchen asked, lazily and with a smile on her face.
"I'm leaving" Claire said and she went straight to her closet to begin packing.
Gretchen's smile fell. "What? What are you talking about?" Gretchen was confused and caught off guard.
"I'm leaving you Gretchen. I can't do this anymore. I just need to get away"
"No way" Gretchen replied with a confidence that surprised both girls.
"What do you mean no way? You can't tell me what to do." Claire was acting tough but Gretchen saw through it. Things had been going so well. Sure, there was always the looming threat that someone could be waiting around the corner to kill either of them, but Gretchen was past that. She was past the fear and onto the dealing, because being with Claire, in whatever way she could, was more important than being afraid.
"I mean no way" Gretchen repeated herself, as sternly as the first time. "Why would you leave right now? I mean besides being in the middle of the term. Things have been calm for weeks around here. And we-- I mean we've been good, too." Gretchen felt her chest hurt a little as she thought of the possibility that Claire might not want to be her friend, let alone anything more.
"Yeah things have been fine" Claire said with a cold, emotionless gaze just over Gretchen's shoulder. "But I can't stay here. I can't be around you anymore." Just as Gretchen thought it couldn't get any worse, Claire's eyes deadened and she took a deep breath to prepare for the kill shot. "I don't want to be around you anymore."
Gretchen considered for a moment that this might actually be the case, but she knew Claire. She knew she would never just up and leave so cruelly, and she also knew Claire was bad at lying. She put on her resolve face and fought back.
"You're a terrible liar, Claire. Tell me what's really going on. Please." The emotion was trembling out of her in a way she couldn't control. "I know how you felt when I left you. I know because I felt it too. And I promised myself I would never do that to you again. I think that if I just let you leave right now, it would be as good as me leaving you again. So you can't go. You don't even have an explanation."
"I told you I don't want to be around you anymore" Claire retorted, harshly, though without any real gumption.
"And that was a lie. So what is really going on?" Gretchen's voice was rising slowly as she grew a little more desperate with every word. "You're being completely unreasonable right now. I need you to tell me what's going on." She was almost yelling at this point as tears began to brim at the bottom of her eyes.
"I just have to go" Claire said as she tried to make a break for the door. Gretchen ran after her and grabbed her arm just before she reached the door. She spun Claire around and made her look her in the eyes. She knew this was the only way to really get Claire to tell the truth.
When Gretchen finally looked into Claire's eyes, she saw more pain in those tears than she had ever seen. "Tell me why you're leaving me!" Gretchen yelled through her tears.
"Because I love you!" Claire finally admitted as she broke down into sobs. "I love you and I can't get it to stop. I can't stand being apart from you because all I can think about is if someone's going to hurt you or if you're thinking about me too. And I can't focus on anything else. And if I can't focus on anything else then I can't protect you."
Gretchen didn't really hear anything beyond the 'I love you'. Quicker than she had time to realize, her tears went from sad to elated and a wide smile grew across her damp cheeks.
"You...love me?" she asked trying not to explode.
Claire briefly considered asking if that was really all she had heard, but she already knew the answer. She let a smile creep onto her lips then up to her eyes as she nodded and said, "Yes".
Gretchen stumbled her way backwards to where she hoped Claire's bed would catch her and managed to almost casually sit down, a big goofy grin still plastered across her face. Claire followed over and almost kneeled down in front of Gretchen, but she realized they were face to face if she stood. They just looked at each other for what seemed like forever before Gretchen broke the silence.
"So you wanted to leave because you love me? I mean I know your life is different than most, but usually that's a pretty good reason to stay with someone".
"Gretchen, you have to understand that the people I care about, the people I love, always get hurt. If people know I care about you, they can use that against me and I can't lose you. I can't be the reason you get hurt."
"I get that. But I mean, I've faced the danger. I know the cost of being with you. And I don't care. It's more than worth it."
"But what if I can't protect you?" Fear seeped its way back into Claire's voice now.
"Hey, you know I'm stronger than I look" Gretchen replied, half offended. "And I've taken self-defense classes. I can take more. I won't always need you to protect me."
Claire was blown away by Gretchen's dedication. All she could do was stare, from Gretchen's eyes down to her lips and back again. She lifted her hand to tuck a strand of Gretchen's hair behind her ear and she let her hand linger before she reached behind Gretchen's neck and they locked eyes. Each then realized they were breathing heavily, only half a foot from each other. When Claire finally leaned in to give Gretchen everything she wanted, and to take what she wanted too, Gretchen pulled away. She stood up and walked over to her side of the room pacing and wringing her hands. Claire's face flashed confusion, fear and embarrassment at Gretchen's reaction.
'I thought this was what she wanted' Claire thought to herself.
"I thought this was what you wanted" Claire said out loud, quietly, to the place where Gretchen had been sitting.
Gretchen stopped pacing, realizing she had hurt Claire, the opposite of her intention. "It is. It's everything I want."
Claire stood up, gathered all her courage and certainty and walked over to Gretchen and asked, "Then what?"
Gretchen took Claire's hands in her own and let her gaze travel from the floor, to their hands together, to Claire's mouth. "You better be sure." Her eyes met Claire's. "You just...you better be sure. Because if you start to kiss me, I can't promise I'll be able to stop."
Claire's smile returned and without a moment's hesitation she grabbed onto the back of Gretchen's neck and pulled her in.