Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" provided inspiration for this story. I do not own that song, or the characters of Army Wives.
"I love you." Your whispered words tickle the inside of my ear while your soft lips tickle the outside. You place a small feathery kiss upon my temple and then you're gone; your presence seeming to have been so quick, loving, gentle, I wonder if perhaps I have only imagined it. Only imagined your silky brown hair mixing with my own as I buried my head into your shoulder, imagined the scuffle of your feet on my porch as you rocked the porch swing, or only imagined your sweet breath against my face as you spoke those three words; words that hang in the air: sensual, forbidden, comforting.
A lawn mover roars to life, violently throwing me against the brick wall of reality. I let out a tiny gasp and again reach for your hand only to remember that I'd asked you to leave long ago; or has it only been a moment? As I struggle to remember, I hear a voice first whisper your name and gradually build to a scream. "Denise. Denise. Denise." It's my voice; I had forgotten what I sound like when I scream, forgotten what it sounds and feels like to lose all control. I shouldn't have asked you to leave; I need you now more than ever before. All at once the world clouds over and I lose all sense of time and feeling.
When the clouds finally roll away, I'm lying on your front porch making a small tear puddle next to your flowerpot. I don't know how I got here, it's scary to think about and I want you to come find me. I try to knock on the door, but find I can't see through my sorrow, and somehow I can't seem to move any part of my body. I'm defenseless just like when that man tried to rape me. Oh God, that man. He's till holding onto me, holding my every thought. "I am nothing, I am powerless, I am weak." I repeat my motto to myself as I watch the sun start to set. A few brilliant rays of light still exist, peeking through the darkening sky, and I wonder how long it will take until they are completely consumed, pulled into darkness, until they are no longer real.
Then you magically appear, scooping me into your arms, gently rocking me as if I were a baby, you my mother. I like this feeling. I smile the tiniest bit, and burrow myself deeper into the hollows of your neck. Your presence is such a relief I momentarily forget everything. E v e r y t h i n g. You lift my head, and cup my face in your warm princess- like hands and I regret the tears, the setting sun making them shine on my face. I've left liquid sorrow all over you, and you're so warm, I hate to be the one to make you lose that. Ashamed, I turn my face away from you, burying my nose into the palm of your hand; you don't stand for this.
"Claudia Joy," I don't respond, I only cry a little harder with the sound of my name. I don't know why it's so haunting, heartbreaking, unreal, to hear my name roll off your lips. I'm afraid to hear it; maybe if you don't say it, it won't really be me falling apart. There's a relentless emotion deep within my bones, a mixture of sorrow, fear, and denial, causing me to shake as if I were freezing cold. "Claudia, look at me." Your voice... it's so demanding, but soft at the same time. Your tone is like music, and it draws me in. I look to your face half unwillingly, half with all the strength I have left. "Please..." finally I allow my eyes to meet yours. "Help me."
Oh God, your eyes. A dark pool of compassion, love, mystery, strength, only they're bright with your own liquid emotion. Your eyes search mine, searching for the right thing to say, or maybe just searching for any trace of the woman you thought you knew.
"I've got you." We're both crying now, a matching set of bright eyes. You're losing a few tears, still trying to be "strong", and I just let myself go even farther, my face drowning in a sea of salty water.
Bringing your angelic your face to mine, you kiss the tears away from my cheeks, tasting my weakness, calming me. Calm. I need it; I crave comfort more than anything the world has to offer. You pull away and give me tiny sympathetic smile. "I can't..." I'm unable to finish. I cover my mouth with my hand and lose myself all over again. His body crushing me, his hands squeezing, squeezing, s q u e e z i n g, until I feel like I might pop from the pressure.
"I know." You wrap your hand around mine and gently pull it away, exposing my mouth; exposing lips that lost their glossy shimmer long ago. Your lips meet mine, moving slowly against them; lightly like a butterfly landing there. You understand. This is what I have needed, despite what happened to me, I realize I need to kiss. Kissing... it makes me forget everything around me until nothing exists except want I want to be in existence. This feeling is strange to me; I'm never the one needing the comfort. Meekly I move my mouth in time with yours. There is no tongue, no extra touching, just friendship, love, and empathy. We both know this is not a romantic thing, but simply one friend being there for another. It's the most beautiful concept I have ever known; this is the loveliest moment of my life. I pull away slowly, giving you a tiny smile. You return the gesture and motion your head towards your house. "Come on, It's dark."
Leading me by the hand, you take me upstairs to your room; settling me into your bed, you sit next to me stroking my hair back away from my face. "You should rest, try to sleep."
"I can't sleep, he's there. He'll take me! I can't fall asleep; I have to stay awake. Please, don't leave me alone. He'll come for me." I'm growing hysteric.
"Baby, he can't hurt you now." You lace your fingers through mine and securely cover our lock with your other hand. "You're safe; I'm not going to leave you. I'm right here ok? I'll always be right here. I'll keep you safe, I promise." I believe you, and I want to tell you this, but I can't. I can only gaze up at you like an adoring child until sleep comes to claim me.
His face beats against my mind, over, and over, and o v e r again. Even though this nightmare terrifies me, I wake up peacefully. I'm too exhausted to wake any other way. It's still dark, and the moon is shining down brilliantly across the bed, onto your face. You're awake, watching me with tired eyes, one arm tucked under your head, your hand still firmly linked into mine. "Hi." You whisper making the sweetness of your breath fill my nose once more.
"Hey." I smile. You smile. We all smile, smile, s m i l e. "Oh," I notice the clock on the night table behind her head; it's four-thirty in the morning. "My husband-"
"I called. He knows you're here. Honey, you're exhausted." I am. I've never been so tired in my life, but somehow I'm still awake, staring across the bed into your equally exhausted face. "Go back to sleep." You whisper from only a foot away.
"Yes," I use my free hand to cover my forehead; I have a terrible headache. "And you. Why are you still up?"
"I said I wouldn't let anything happen to you, I promised to keep you safe."
You're the best friend I have ever had. I want to tell you that. I want to tell you how wonderful you are, how you staying awake for me is precious, and just being here with you, clutching your hand, looking into your face, makes me feel like nothing can ever touch me again. That maybe if we stay just like this forever, starting tonight, this bed will become a haven of security, where nothing but wonderful can happen. But I don't tell you any of this; instead I just cover our locked hands as you had done before.
"I know." I curve my lips upward and gently squeeze our protective lock. "I know." And I do. This relief, this passion, fills my eyes, and I thank God I am on the dark part of the bed. You've seen enough crying for one day. You nod with understanding. Contentment pillows your eyes, and in a moment you're sleeping with the tiniest grin painted across your face. Peaceful. I feel the your grip on my hand loosen, but you never let go.
Sleep weighs down on my own eyes, heavier than before, and I humbly give myself over. Just before my consciousness is lost completely, I quietly sigh into the air of the night.
"I love you too."