Disclaimer: Star Trek and all characters belong to Paramount.
Rating: PG
Summary: In the heat of an argument, Julian has a slip of the tongue, but is it Freudian?
Notes: This is a companion piece to 'The "You" in Hurt.' It is *not* a sequel or a chapter/continuation. They just share similar themes, metaphors, etc. For anyone waiting for the sequel to 'In Love and War' I haven't forgotten. Just in the middle of a bad case of block there.
The 'I' in Pain.
By NorthernStar
One Little Word and…
The argument was about lunch. That was all it took. That was what started it. Lunch! There had to be some kind of mistake. Life shattering things didn't begin with lunch.
But the simple misunderstanding over who's turn it was to replicate their meal mixed with their tiredness from the long hours they both worked had blown into something monstrous.
Something ugly.
And when all the ranting had passed…
Then he said it.
Ezri had watched the tiredness wash over his face as he just let go of his anger, too worn out to fight anymore. She'd felt her own seep away at the sight and she smiled.
He'd smiled too and crossed the couple of paces between them. Julian slipped his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to look him in the eyes.
She felt a flush of warmth at the affection she saw in them and heard herself apologising.
"I'm sorry, Julian."
He leant down to slip his lips over hers.
The kiss was short, but sweet, and when it was over he slipped his arms around her.
And that when he said it.
"I'm sorry too, Jadzia." He chuckled at his own tired mistake, "Ezri."
And didn't hear her heart breaking.
…Your Whole World has Changed.
Ezri sat at a lonely table at the back of the second level of Quark's Bar. From there she could discreetly watch everyone who entered. She used to do this a lot after she first arrived on the station, nervous of running into Worf. This spot was excellent for seeing people you didn't want to see before they saw you.
And up here you could make a quick exit and be safe in the knowledge the person you were avoiding would never know you were here.
She'd never thought she'd ever have to use this table for Julian.
"There you go. One Trixian BubbleJuice," said a leering voice behind her. She looked up just as Quark put the drink in front of her. "On the house." He added.
Ezri might have accepted such a gesture at face value, but the Dax symbiont knew no Ferengi would give something without expecting a return.
And her nerves were frayed enough.
"I didn't order anything, Quark."
"It's a gift."
"Take it back."
"You might want it later, I'll just leave it here."
"I SAID take it back!" And she grabbed the glass and slammed it back onto the tray Quark was holding.
Quark cringed back, apologising. Then he turned and walked away muttering. He was so caught up in his private grievances he didn't see Kira until he bumped into her.
The Colonel snapped something nasty to him in Bajoran. Her temper had been on a short fuse since the Constable had joined his people.
"Everyone's in a bad mood and who gets to suffer it?" He muttered, "the bartender!"
Kira snorted, "your customers been complaining again? If we got a decent service here, we wouldn't need to."
"No, just Dax. She's been sitting up there looking like she's lost her best friend. So what do I do? I try to bring a little joy into her life…and at cost to myself! But no, I just suffer the brunt of her anger."
Kira looked over to the Trill. Ezri was staring into space and, if she had been Jadzia, Kira would have thought she was angry. But she wasn't, and Kira still didn't know this host as well as she had the last. She walked over and touched the girl's shoulder. Ezri glanced up.
"You're not going to bite my head off are you?"
Ezri smiled half-heartedly, "no."
Kira sat down opposite her and came right to the point. " What's up?"
"It's nothing."
"Doesn't look like nothing from where I'm sitting."
"I'm just being…I don't know, silly I guess…"
"Let me be the judge of that."
Ezri sighed but remained silent.
"I'm not going away 'til you tell me, Dax."
Kira watched her friend's face fall as her resolve faded, "it's Julian…"
"You two are having problems?" Kira asked, surprise in her voice. The couple had seemed so happy together.
"No…no we're not." Ezri ran her finger around the lip of the glass; "it's nothing, really."
"Dax…" Kira paused, unable to think of anything to say. She just didn't know this young girl, and her own youth had been so different, how could she possibly empathise? "I think…if you're hurting over this, it's not silly and it's not nothing."
The Trills eyes avoided Kira's, not wanting to let her disbelief show. She wished she could believe her, but the truth was she knew herself how small a thing this was. She ought to just put it aside and carry on. It had meant nothing, Julian was tired, they'd both been tired and it had just slipped out. An honest mistake…not something Freud would have ceased on.
But something nasty gripped at her heart and she couldn't let it go.
Kira sighed, if Ezri wouldn't say, it was up to her to guess. She thought a long moment, what could Julian do that upset her? A looooong list popped into Kira's head and she suppressed a smile.
OK, that might annoy Ezri…who loves him.
Didn't she?
"Are you doubting your feelings for him?" But the moment she said it she knew that couldn't be it. For a start that was hardly 'nothing' or 'silly' and you only had to look at them together, all sweet and cooey, to know they were goners.
"No."
Kira flashed her a grin. "He hogs the pillows?"
"No."
"Does he snore?"
Ezri gave her a look.
"Shakaar had the worst nasal problem in the sector."
Her words drew the desired effect and Ezri smiled, "no, he doesn't."
"Then what is it?" She frowned and sat up straight as anger flashed across her face, "he hadn't been cheating, has he?"
"NO!"
The colonel narrowed her eyes, "has he been looking?"
"No, Kira it's not Julian. It's me. I…" her shoulders slumped, "I didn't…he called me Jadzia and I didn't like it."
"Oh."
"See, you think I'm being silly! I don't even know why I think it's a big deal, I just…"
"…Didn't like it?"
"Yes."
"Dax, I'm sure he…" what Nerys? He wasn't thinking of Jadzia? Is there anyone on this station that doesn't think he's with Ezri because she used to be Jadzia?
Anyone except Julian and Ezri?
No…not Ezri anymore. That was why she was so upset over this. Her love had blinded her to that truth up until now but his one little slip of the tongue had woken her to what her training should have seen all along.
"It shouldn't matter should it?"
Kira opened her mouth to say a thousand things. Comforts, wisdom…good old-fashioned clichés… But none came out, just a simple; "you're the counsellor, Dax."
***********
Ezri took a deep breath outside of the Infirmary. She looked back over her shoulder to where Kira sat in Quark's watching her progress. She didn't want to do this but she also knew the only way to stop feeling like this was to ask the question.
Say the words…
Talk to the only man who could stop the hurt inside her. And the man who might just turn the ache in her heart into searing, burning, all-consuming pain…
She wanted to run away from this, leave it be. It didn't matter; it was just a slip of the tongue…She should just forget it…leave it…ignore it.
Ignore it until the worry ate away at her insides and she destroyed the relationship anyway because of it. Months of pain for them both that would be lessened, though no less painful for that, by just having this conversation now.
Get it out, get it over with…. get on with the pain.
It was the sane and sensible and, with all her knowledge of the psyche, the right thing to do.
The doors swished open as she took a step forward. And another, and another.
She heard them close behind her, sealing her in the room with the one person in the Universe that she truly and completely didn't want to see right now.
Julian looked up from his research and his face broke into a smile when he saw who it was. The smile faltered when he saw her expression.
"Are you alright?"
She stared in his face…her heart thumping so loudly in her chest she could feel the vibrations of its beat throughout her body. Her breathing quickened and she wanted to hide in his embrace and run as far from him as she could at the same time.
"Ezri?" He touched her arm, his eyes full of worry.
"Do you…"she began, her voice stuttering badly, "do you lo-love me because…I-I used to be Jadzia?"
His mouth cracked open a little bit and he just stared at her. For a moment nothing passed between them, the silence filled only by the sound of Ezri's quick breathing.
Her heart ached. His silence could mean only one thing.
She was right.
"I knew," she whispered and fled from the Infirmary.
**********
Bashir caught up with her on the Promenade, grabbing her arm and pulling her to a stop. The pair drawing stares from the people wandering through the shops and stalls. Ezri shrugged him off, anger brewing in her eyes.
He had to force his own anger down, he'd never been judged so unfairly in his life. And by someone he loved more than life itself.
"What are you talking about?" He demanded. "I can't believe you asked me that."
"Just leave me alone."
"No! I want to know why you-"
"I don't want to talk to you right now!"
"You can't just-"
"I SAID leave me alone!"
"You heard her, Doctor." Kira came up beside the Trill and looked Julian square in the eye.
"This is personal, Kira…"
"Not if you're standing on my station, ignoring the request of a member of my crew."
"You don't understand…"
Something in Kira's expression told him that she did. "You're neglecting your patients, doctor."
Julian took one last look at Ezri, but she was staring at her feet. He opened his mouth to speak but said nothing. He turned and went back to the Infirmary.
Kira touched Ezri's arm, "are you going to be all right?"
The Trill raised her head, her eyes were bright with unshed tears and she nodded once.
**********
Bashir pushed his breakfast around his plate, glancing up every so often to see if the person he was waiting for had entered the replimat. He had few people he could talk to these days, most of the command crew…his friends…were gone. There was only himself, Dax and Kira left…unless you counted Quark too. Which he didn't. He liked the Ferengi, but they were not close friends. Certainly not the kind of person he could go to with this.
He looked up again and saw the familiar red head of the colonel. He smiled and waved her over. He could see by her expression that she wasn't willing. She knew full well what he wanted to see her for.
The colonel got her breakfast and joined him at the table. He made careful small talk, allowing the conversation to drift, hopefully in the direction of Dax so that it would seem a perfectly natural change of topic. Kira put up with the pretence for about five minutes before she tossed her fork down and snapped, "I know what you want to ask me, so please...say it."
Julian stared at her, covering his surprise by sticking a full fork into his mouth and chewing, giving his brain time to think of something. He'd been prepared to gradually work up to it, not jump in with both feet.
"I…Ezri…" How could he put it into words? He didn't even understand it himself. "She thinks I'm with her because of Jadzia."
Kira was silent for a long while. "Is she right?" She asked eventually.
"NO!"
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! I love Ezri."
"Who used to be Jadzia…who you also cared about."
"That has nothing to do with how I feel about Ezri."
"Doesn't it? Jadzia never returned the same feelings as you…but Ezri does. Maybe…"
"No. I know some people have a low opinion of me, but I'd know if I was…I'm not that much of a bastard."
"I know your not…Not intentionally." She took a breath, "Julian, you have to admit that it's possible."
He looked away, "I'm not with Ezri because she used to be Jadzia. But I don't know how to convince her otherwise…or what made her think that in the first place."
"Julian," Kira's voice was tentative, something you didn't hear from her very often and that in itself, made him listen, "have you thought that maybe the reason why you don't know how to convince her, is because you can't even convince yourself?"
His face was set; "I love Ezri."
"Then why did you call her Jadzia?"
"What?"
"Ezri told me you were arguing and you called her Jadzia."
"And that's what started this?"
"Yes…no. I guess it got her thinking…maybe you should do some thinking too."
Putting Back the Pieces…
"I talked to Kira."
Ezri looked up from her Padd. Julian stood in the doorway of her office, his face drawn and his eyes shadowed. He obviously hadn't slept much last night. Neither had she.
"You're supposed to be on duty."
"I don't have any patients at the moment. My nurse will call me if I'm needed." He stepped into the room and the door closed behind him. "Kira told me what this is all about."
"So?"
"So you're wrong. I called you Jadzia, that means nothing. Everyone has moments where they call someone else by another name, it happens."
"It mean's nothing if it's a friend or a relative. It means something when you get called by the name of the person you used to be! And it means something when…when they had feelings for that person."
"Ezri…"
"You think this doesn't happen? It's one of the reason's re-association is a taboo. It ruins lives! No matter how hard everyone tries to distance themselves from the previous host, the new one will always remind them of who they were."
"Of course you remind me of Jadzia, but I love you!"
"I know you believe that, Julian but…you're just deluding yourself. I know I was."
That hurt more than any psychical blow he'd taken, "are you saying you think your feelings for me aren't real…that they're Jadzia's?"
"She did love you, Julian. Maybe we both just got together because of her."
"I don't believe that."
"It's not talked about much on our world, but its common for a host to make life choices based on the previous host." Ezri looked away, "did you ever wonder why Curzon lived life to full, never letting any chance pass him by?"
He shook his head.
"Because his previous host, at least the one he remembered, Torias, died so young. He had so many regrets; so many things he didn't do that that Curzon was determined not to miss out on anything. And Jadzia revered the Klingons…married one because Curzon admired and loved them more than any other culture. And then I…" She looked down at her feet, "I got her feelings for you, her desire to be with you… She regretted not becoming your lover, Julian, even though she loved Worf. That's hard enough for any new host to deal with but I didn't have their training." She sounded so calm. "And you…Julian, you don't understand the emotions of joining…. How to cope with someone who is both you're friend and not…a complete stranger."
"You're talking about transference?" Julian's head spun, "and you think all that because of a slip of the tongue?"
"It opened my eyes to some truths."
"It closed them!" He lay a hand on her cheek. "Even if you're right…even if all of that is true and I don't believe it is…so what? Who cares how we came to love each other? We love each other and what we have is wonderful. The best it's ever been. I didn't know being with someone could be this good and that's because of you, Ezri. Not Jadzia."
"But it's not real." She whispered, her heart wanting so much to believe him.
He covered her mouth with his, his tongue diving deep and she felt the familiar and oh-so-delicious heat of arousal grow inside her. No man had had the ability to do that to her accept him. He pulled back just a little, "feels pretty real to me."
"No." she gently pushed him back, "no it's not."
He kissed her again and her mind screamed at her body to pull away but she was swept along in the tide, answering his hungry kisses with her own, moulding her body to his as he pushed her gently to the floor. Tears poured down her cheeks all the while, but the desire to make love to him was over-powering. A wild, animalistic desire that had listened only to the heat in her blood and not to the impotent rage of her mind telling her this was wrong….
The door chimed. Ezri pulled back, suddenly remembering. "I have an appointment."
"Ezri…"
"Just go…please."
He nodded and moved away from her. "This isn't over."
**********
She found Kira in her up in docking pylon three. The colonel was discussing the new shipment of diridium that was arriving shortly. She looked around when she heard someone approach and frowned when she saw it was Ezri.
The Trill waited patiently for the colonel to finish her conversations and fell into step beside her for the walk back to Ops. When they got into the lift, Ezri said quietly, "Julian came to see me."
"What did he have to say?"
"Actually I think I did most of the talking." She sounded a little guilty.
Kira looked askance at her.
"I told him that-" her throat tightened and she tried to swallow away the lump there. "That we're just…we're just together because of Jadzia and that…that it couldn't really be love," a tear tracked her cheek, "for either of us."
Kira touched her shoulder, "and he accepted that?"
She shook her head, "no…"
"Have you accepted that?"
"I thought…" she began, "I thought if I explained it to him, I'd feel better…but I don't."
The colonel smiled and answered her own question; "you haven't accepted that."
"I don't understand why."
The doors opened and Kira stepped into Ops. She turned back. "Love hurts." She smiled.
Then the doors closed again and the lift carried Ezri away.
***********
"I think you're right."
Julian spun round in the chair, a delighted but wary smile on his face. Ezri smiled shyly back. He pulled her into his arms.
"But I am too."
His arms dropped down, the smile falling. "I don't understand."
"I still think we-" she took a breath and rephrased what she was going to say, "I think we…owe our happiness to Jadzia…but it is our happiness. And what you said, its true. It doesn't matter how we fell in love."
"I don't know what to say."
"Well I've got lots," she laughed nervously. "I think we need to go back a bit. We just jumped into this straight away. We never did…I don't know, dates and things."
A twinkle lit his eyes, "are you saying you want to be courted?"
A blush crept across her nose and cheeks, "yes."
**********
They lay entwined, arms encircling each other, staring up at the stars in Bajor's Heavens. Cool night air surrounded them, but they did not feel the cold. Ezri lay her head against Julian's chest and listened to his heartbeat. He stirred in her arms; "I love you, Ezri."
She smiled in the darkness. "I know…"
~~END~~
© T S "NORTHERN STAR" FENN