Disclaimer: I don't own anything I ref in this story—Marvel and the X-men, 'The Simpsons' (again!), any of the music, the myriad reality shows, Fox television, Say What? Karoke (tell me, why would anyone WANT to own that?) or the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes. GambitGirl also does not advocate the use of Valium, unless you're in a similar situation to Storm's in this fic (read and find out.)
Author's note: Well y'all were so nice I just had to write a sequel. Okay, okay, I'm really writing it because I'm stuck on my serious Wolverine/Sabretooth story, and want to descend further into craziness. This one goes out to the mean spleen, always good for a yuk and inspiration, and everyone who reviews and reads my stories. Without you I'd probably kill myself, so keep 'em coming. (Note from God: GambitGirl will not kill herself. Believe me, I'd know.)
SAY WHAT?
Or
Definitely Not a Karoke Fic
A blank white background. After a moment Gambit enters and smiles at the audience.
GAMBIT: Hey dere, cheres an' meis amis. Before de fic get started GambitGirl wanted me to answer a question. [He looks at an index card.] Wildcard, from fanfiction.net asks, 'How do I become a member of de Gambit Group?' [Looks up.] Oh mon dieu, not dem…every day…every night…squealing…tryin' to talk like me…no more…no more…
Gambit sinks to the floor and begins to blabber in French, rocking back and forth. Wolverine enters and looks down at him.
WOLVERINE: What in the…oh. Must be the Gambit Group again. [He picks up the index card.] Oh. Simple. Wildcard, you gotta be totally insane and love Gambit more than life itself.
LOGAN FANS: Eeeewwww. [Logan grins at them.]
WOLVERINE: Hey, girls, wanna go get in a bar fight?
LOGAN FANS: YEAH! [The all rush off to the nearest tavern. Two insane asylum orderlies come and drag Gambit off.]
GAMBIT: I'm a birdy, a pretty pretty birdy…[Starts going 'la lala' like Grandpa Simpson in that one episode.]
JEAN: Oh yeah, and you have to write at least one Gambit-centric fic.
HECKLER: Get off the stage! [A bunch of rotten tomatoes get hurled at Jean, because in these kind of fics no one likes her. Jean runs off in terror and the fic starts.]
***
Star Wars title music plays. Sabretooth bares his teeth at the Star Wars writer.
SABRETOOTH: Remember what happened last time, punk.
WRITER: Eeep. [The music stops and is replaced with the X-men theme.]
The mansion, daytime, in Cyclops and Jean's room. Scott is acting out the title sequence to the X-men cartoon in time with the music.
SCOTT: Gambit! Jubilee! [He runs over to his dresser, takes out a blue and tan costume and quickly CENSORED now wearing Jean's bodysuit.] Jean Grey! [Runs around the room making airplane noises.]
JEAN: Scott, have you seen my…OH GOD! [Covers eyes.] Tell me I didn't just see you in my costume.
SCOTT: Umm…'kay. You didn't just see me in your costume.
JEAN: Well that's a relief.
The rec room. Gambit and Rogue are playing pool, and Logan is smoking and flipping channels.
LOGAN: [Muttering.] Will you finish the damn game and get out of here? It's almost time for my soaps…
GAMBIT: You say somet'ing, mon ami?
LOGAN: Uhhh…no.
***
In Magneto's headquarters. It's really not damp and dank like it's made out to be, what you actually saw was the basement on the day it was flooded. It's more like a little town. Restaurants, a post office (zip code 094EVIL), and some upscale boutiques. Sabretooth is having lunch at the café.
SABRETOOTH: I'll have the Sauvignon Blanc 1983, the broccoli cream soup, and prime rib medium… [Toad enters the restaurant looking for him.] I mean, GRRRR!
TOAD: Hey mate!
TOAD FANS: Heeeyyyy…
GAMBITGIRL: Oh, we are not going to start this again.
TOAD: Magneto wants you back at base.
SABRETOOTH: What for?
TOAD: He has a new machine that's very possibly deadly and he wants to test it on someone dumb before…I mean, the Publisher's Clearing House came for you.
SABRETOOTH: [Homer Simpson.] Woohoo! [He jumps up and runs straight through the wall of the café.]
TOAD: Frankly I don't thing Magneto's new Stereotype Ray is going to have much of an effect on him.
The evil medical lab (just like evil medical school.) Magneto is fine-tuning a Flash Gordon-type giant ray gun. Sabretooth comes in muttering to himself.
SABRETOOTH: Oh my god, I never thought this would happen to me…no…I can't believe it, it's to good to be true…grrrrr, no…I need something that's humble and yet overjoyed…and how'm I gonna hold that giant check?…
MAGNETO: Sabretooth, stand in front of the ray.
SABRETOOTH: Why?
MAGNETO: Because I said so.
SABRETOOTH: 'Kay.
He stands in front of the ray gun and of course gets zapped by it.
MAGNETO: Are you experiencing any discomfort?
SABRETOOTH: [Sizzle.]
MAGNETO: Oh good. I had a feeling it would be painless. Painless and yet devastating MWAHAHAHA…[Turns to GambitGirl.] Do you think I'd have an evil laugh?
GAMBITGIRL: No, you're more of a chuckler.
MAGNETO: Right, leave the mwahahaing to the wack jobs.
GAMBITGIRL: [Muttered.] And that makes you…?
Magneto turns off the ray. Sabretooth looks exactly the same except for his hair standing up like he just licked a light socket.
MAGNETO: How do you feel?
SABRETOOTH: Heh heh heh heh…I'm gonna kill you, runt, and the little frail too…heh heh heh heh… [Goes into a corner and begins to break things.]
TOAD: I'd say it was a smashing success.
MAGNETO: Indeed. Behold the Stereotype Ray, Toad, which reverts characters to their most base personalities and catchphrases. No depth, no dimension, just flat, cardboard personas easily digestible by indiscriminate fanfiction readers.
TOAD: Bloody brilliant.
MAGNETO: Isn't it though? Who should we try it on next? [Mystique slinks in. Magneto and Toad look at each other.]
TOAD: Oh Mystique, love, how'd you like to try a little experiment…
***
The mansion. Alarms begin to whoop.
SCOTT: Air raid! Air raid! [He hides under Jean's makeup table.]
STORM: Let me kill them all, please please please?
GAMBITGIRL: Sorry, not 'til I'm done exploiting all of you for a laugh.
STORM: Dang!
The X-men all run to the ready room, Scott carrying a gas mask in case the commies attack. Storm is basically in charge since Xavier went nuts.
XAVIER: Tuxedo Mask to the rescue!
GAMBITGIRL: Shut up.
STORM: We've detected unusually high energy readings from Magneto's base.
ROGUE: And this is a cause for alarm WHY?
STORM: I don't know, it always is in the cartoon.
EVERYONE ELSE: 'Yeah'…'True'…'She's got a point there.'
LOGAN: [Snikt.] I say…[Looks at the clock and realizes it's time for 'Days of Our Lives'.] Ignore him and he'll go away.
EVERYONE ELSE: HUH???
GambitGirl whispers in Logan's ear.
LOGAN: But this is the episode where Marcia is dying and her evil twin seduces Brad…okay, okay. [Looks sad.] I say we bust in and open up a can 'o whoop ass.
LOGAN FANS AND X-MEN: YAY!
SCOTT: Jean, are the Russians coming?
JEAN: No, dear. Don't be scared. [Storm starts to charge a lightning blast.]
GAMBITGIRL: Ahem.
STORM: It's just soooo tempting…
Beast bursts in, looking rumpled, or as rumpled as a furry guy ever gets. When he opens his mouth it sounds like a really good Jerry Springer show.
BEAST: What's the [beep]ng problem, god[beep]? You realize you [beep]ng interrupted me in the middle of [beep]ng 'Worlds Deadliest Swarms', you [beep]s, what the [beep] is the matter with you, [beep]ng [beepbeepbeepbeeeep.]
Everyone looks at Beast with his or her mouth ajar.
SCOTT: 'Elp! 'Epl! Ah can ged id aff!
GAMBITGIRL: I said AJAR, not IN a jar, you idiot! [Storm begins popping valiums.]
BEAST: [Beep]ng moron.
GAMBITGIRL: That's quite enough out of you.
STORM: You know what? Forget the briefing. We're going to fly to Magneto's base with no knowledge whatsoever of what we're getting into and probably get our butts kicked.
GAMBIT: Sounds good t'me, Stormy.
SCOTT: Alright, X-men! To the—
Everyone aims automatic weapons at him, because frankly if they hear him yell 'To the Blackbird' one more time they're going to go slightly mad.
SCOTT: [Quietly.] Blackbird.
***
In the Blackbird, over the island. Storm is flying, and Cyclops thinks he is but Jean and Beast secretly replaced his controls with a Sidewinder joystick and some pretty lights.
CYCLOPS: Hey Storm, what does this red blinking light next to 'FUEL AUX' mean?
STORM: It means we're all going to die.
CYCLOPS: Oh, okay. [He looks back out the window, then the sun finally comes through his clouds.] Heeeyyyy! Wait a minute— [GambitGirl shoots a sedative into his neck and he passes out.]
WOLVERINE: 'Bout time.
The team lands on the island. Immediately Sabretooth and Mystique appear from behind some rocks.
SABRETOOTH: Hey ruuuuuunt… Heh heh heh. How's Silver Fox lately?
WOLVERINE: [Sighs and sticks out his palm.] Talk to the hand, Victor.
SABRETOOTH: Huh?
WOLVERINE: Every time we meet, you get a rise out of me, and frankly it's getting old. You killed my girlfriend, I'm gonna kill you, can't we just leave it at that? [Gambit pokes him in the side.]
GAMBIT: You better start actin' more Wolvie-like, mon ami. [He points and Logan sees thousands of Wolverine fans advancing on him with weapons.]
WOLVERINE: Ye gods. Almost as bad as your cult, I mean, fan group, Cajun.
GAMBIT: [Shivers.] Don't remind me.
JEAN: Um, guys, shouldn't we be fighting?
WOLVERINE: Oh. Right. RAAARRRRR! [Jumps on Sabretooth and thrashes him soundly.]
ROGUE: Mama Smurf is mine! [Jumps on Mystique and begins to fight. Gambit and Wolverine stop what they're doing and watch with interest. Heck, every male in the evil base stops and watches with interest.]
TOAD: Now this is worth recording. [Trains his digital video camera on them.]
MAGNETO: Toad, don't be crass.
TOAD: But I have a source on the Internet that pays for senseless violence like this. And they also publish quality information on how to construct pipe bombs.
MAGNETO: How much do they pay you? [Toad whispers in his ear.] Oh my, really? Carry on then.
Soon the fight makes its way to the Stereotype Ray Room. (Right next to the Contrived Device from the Movie Room.)
MAGNETO: And now…you are all mine! [Turns on the ray.] Hahahaha. Hehehehe. [Smiles because his evil chuckle has gotten so much better after he practiced in the shower.]
SABRETOOTH: C'mere runt!
MAGNETO: You can stop now. Thank you.
SABRETOOTH: Grrrr. [Mystique slinks in and flashes her eyes evilly.]
MAGNETO: [Sighs.] Why oh why didn't I think up a way to reverse this thing?
To make a long fight scene short, the Stereotype Ray hits everyone except Cyclops, because he's passed out in the Blackbird. Magneto only has to sit back and wait. Not for the X-men to change, but for the guy from the invisible fence company. Sabretooth just won't stay in the yard no matter what they do.
CYCLOPS: Huh? What? What day is it? Where am I? Mommy!!! [Jean, Storm, Wolverine, Gambit and Rogue come back to the jet.] Darling! Thank goodness! [Fully expects Jean to reject him for Logan.]
JEAN: I was about to say the same thing, darling. I'm so relieved you're all right.
CYCLOPS: Huh?
WOLVERINE: Hey bub, let's get this show on the road.
GAMBIT: Yeah, Gambit got t'ings to do an' and people to see.
ROGUE: [Smacks him playfully.] Ah know what 'people' you're seein', sugah.
STORM: Why Cyclops, you look positively pale.
CYCLOPS: Y-y-you're all…all…NORMAL!!! [He screams in terror and runs from the jet.]
WOLVERINE: Guess One-eye's mooring line finally snapped off the dock.
JEAN: That's not funny, Logan.
WOLVERINE: Whaddaya mean? Yesterday you thought I was funny if I hocked a loogie. [GambitGirl pokes him.] Ow! Sonofa—
GAMBITGIRL: Stay in your hackneyed character, dammit!
WOLVERINE: Sorry, darlin', but my healing factor won't allow it.
GAMBIT: Rogue, Gambit t'ink you de prettiest femme he can't touch he ever met.
ROGUE: [Girlish.] Oh you!
WOLVERINE: Okay. I see where Cyke's coming from. [Screams in terror and runs from the jet.]
***
The mansion. It's normal, except for Xavier now residing in a padded cell. Too, too normal (and if you got that MST3K paraphrase, I'll give ya a big kiss)(within reason, of course.) Bobby is freezing things out of boredom because he never has anything to do in fics except be comic relief.
BOBBY: They laugh at me now…but someday…the bell tower…[Giggles maniacally.]
KITTY: Hey Bobby, want to go to the lake with me?
BOBBY: [Muttering feverishly and crafting an M-16 rifle out of ice.] Mustn't reply…I'll just become the butt of another joke…mustn't say anything…don't make eye contact…the author is setting me up…
GAMBITGIRL: Actually, I'm just trying to get rid of you because you're a lead-in.
BOBBY: Oh. I knew that.
KITTY: What are you making?
BOBBY: Nothing! [To himself.] Their judgement day will come soon enough…
XAVIER'S VOICE: [Muffled by the cell.] Mercury bubbles! [There is some splashing, and Beast runs in with a towel around his waist.]
BEAST: What in the [beep]ng [beep] is this? [Beep]ng water pressure just cut the [beep] out! [Kitty and Bobby look past his shoulder to where Xavier is floating around in his now-water-filled cell.]
BOBBY: Well it wasn't me.
BEAST: [Beep]ng old [beep]ng house, god[beep] stupid Xavier… [He walks off still muttering and dripping. Kitty and Bobby look back at the cell.]
XAVIER: Glub.
KITTY: Should we help him?
BOBBY: Nah. [They leave.]
A little later. The X-men are all engaged in typical activities. Jean is squinting at stuff in the lab (not doing anything with it, just squinting), Storm is watering her garden, and Rogue and Gambit are playing pool.
ROGUE: Ah win again, swamp rat.
GAMBIT: I always lose gracefully, chere. [He gets in close, putting the moves on her (of course).] But Gambit like winnin' better.
ROGUE: [Ultra-annoying girlish voice.] Oh stop it, Cajun! Tee hee hee.
STORM'S VOICE: Rain! I summon thee!
A CACOPHANY OF STUDENT VOICES: 'Be quiet!' 'Pipe down in there!' 'People are tryin' to sleep!' 'Shaddap!'
***
Where Logan and Scott are. They're trying to thumb a ride back to the school. Car after car goes by.
SCOTT: It's your fault they won't stop. You look like a homicidal maniac.
LOGAN: I am a homicidal maniac. Have you considered the fact that maybe people won't stop because you look like James Marsden?
SCOTT: What does that have to do with it?
LOGAN: Hell, James Marsden would scare me.
A long, black, evil car pulls up. Mr. Sinister sticks his head out.
SINISTER: Excuse me, Cyclops, does this turnoff take you back to the interstate?
SCOTT: No, you want to go up to Greymalkin Lane and then turn.
SINISTER: Thanks. Need a ride?
LOGAN: Yeah, do we ever. I'm gonna miss Susan Lucci's interview on 'Entertainment Tonight.'
SINISTER: Well, we can't have that, can we? My henchmen are also rather partial to 'All My Children'. Hop in.
***
Back at the mansion. All the students are standing in anxious little clumps outside.
KITTY: It's Logan and Mr. Summers! [They cluster around the two in the manner of the villagers in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and all begin talking at once.]
LOGAN: [Snikt.] Get offa me!
SCOTT: I think the others got back before we did.
LOGAN: Best get inside and do some damage control.
Inside Jean is cooking and the other members of the team are sitting around the kitchen table, just…talking. Awww. A Lifetime Network-like instrumental plays.
GAMBITGIRL: The next time I hear that music someone dies. Clear?
The music stops with a screech. Scott and Logan burst into the kitchen.
JEAN: Darling!
SCOTT: Boy, I never realized how annoying that sounds.
GAMBIT: Hey dere, meis amis.
LOGAN: [Whispering.] The Cajun seems okay.
Remy takes Rogue's gloved hands and begins to whisper to her in French.
ROGUE: Tee hee hee.
LOGAN: Or not. Listen, you guys, you've all been exposed to Magneto's weapon, and we need to take you back there so we can reversed the ray and get you back to normal.
SCOTT: [Hissed whisper.] We have to get out of here. They're going to eat us!
LOGAN: Or abnormal, as the case may be.
JEAN: Scott, can you help me with the stove?
ROGUE: It's colder than a dead catfish.
LOGAN: The Southerner-isms have started…we might be too late, One-eye.
Scott anxiously goes over and looks down at the gas burner.
JEAN: A match might help. [She lights one and sticks it under the burner. Unfortunately Scott is still squinting into the works and he catches fire. (Mutants as a rule aren't fire-retardant.)]
SCOTT: AHHHH! AHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! [He dives out the window and runs screaming over the lawn, blazing like an Olympic flame.]
BOBBY'S VOICE: [From outside.] Hey! Cool! It's the Human Torch!
PYRO'S VOICE: Can I have your autograph???
Logan looks after Scott, thinking he should do something, but realizing he really can't, so he might as well…
LOGAN: HAHAHAHA!!!
ROGUE: Somebody sure lit a FIRE under his tail!
GAMBITGIRL: What do you think this is, Comedy Central?
ROGUE: Sorry.
Suddenly Mr. Sinister and his henchmen attack the school. Come on, you didn't honestly think he was just going to have a cameo, did you?
SINISTER: Now you are all captured, because your personalities are weak and badly written. MWAHAHAHAHA!
LOGAN: Okay, I give up. We need an author intervention here.
Magneto and a normal Sabretooth come in with the Stereotype Ray.
MAGNETO: I take it back. I wouldn't wish this on even you, X-men. Do you realize how much rabies and worming shots cost these days? Never mind paying for the destruction of a top-of-the-line electronic fence. [He aims the ray and reverses them.]
JEAN: Logan, I need you!
STORM: Next time I summon the power of the elements it will be to kill all of you imbeciles.
ROGUE: Oh my god, I called someone sugah again, didn't I? [Grabs GambitGirl by the collar.] DIDN'T I? [GambitGirl nods regretfully.] AHHHH!!! I HATE THAT STUPID CATCHPHRASE!!! [She runs out of the room pulling on her hair.]
SINISTER: Woo. I think there are some problems here that go way deeper than us evil villains.
MAGNETO: 'Evil villains' is redundant, you ignoramus.
SINISTER: You wanna fight?
MAGNETO: Bring it on, little man!
Sinister starts for him but his henchmen dissuade him, reminding him as soon as he gets home he can unleash the Legacy Virus on anybody his little heart desires.
SINISTER: Oh! Right! I'd forgotten. Well, tootles!
Sinister and the henchmen leave, and spend the next three hours driving around Westchester County because one of the henchmen was holding the map upside down.
GAMBIT: Hey cheres, any of you want to join me in a poker game?
ROGUE: Cajun, snap out of it. We can be our twisted selves again.
GAMBIT: Say what?
ROGUE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE A MORON ANYMORE!!!
GAMBIT: Aww, chere, why you like to push Gambit away? [Beings putting the moves on her again. GambitGirl draws back her hand, then stops.]
GAMBITGIRL: I can't do it. I can't smack the Cajun.
GAMBIT: Or maybe we have a wild night on de town, neh? [Begins doing his cool but stereotypical card-flipping trick.] If poker not your game, chere, Gambit knows some others. [He smiles suggestively.]
GAMBIT GROUP: [Collective deep sighs.]
ALL THE OTHER FAN GROUPS: Do it, do it, DO IT!
GambitGirl grits her teeth, shuts her eyes and smacks Remy across the face. She then collapses, a broken woman.
GAMBIT: Huh. [Shakes head.] Gambit feel a little funny.
So to sum things up, everyone is back to normal, and this type of story demands we have a little celebration at the end with witty remarks and flirting. But you know what? By this point the team is so sick and twisted about all they can do is sit in corners and whimper. So that's exactly what they do.
ROGUE: [Whimpers.]
SCOTT: [Sits quietly and smokes (literally.)]
LOGAN: [Is exactly the same.]
JEAN: Logan, be with me!
LOGAN: [Snikt.]
LOGAN FANS: Do it, do it, DO IT!
GAMBITGIRL: Shut up. We don't have time for a death in the fic.
LOGAN FANS: Awww.
STORM: [Joins Bobby in the bell tower.] Now when is the courtyard most full?
BOBBY: Lunchtime heeeehehehe.
STORM: Hehehehehe. [They both go back to reading Soldier of Fortune back issues.]
BEAST: [Beep]ng hell. Oo! Almost time for 'Temptation Island!' Hot [beep]!
GAMBIT: [Smoking and looking damn sexy doing it.] Say what, chere? You want to play some poker after all?
GAMBITGIRL: Oh boy.
PRAISE THE LORD, THE END HAS COME