This Story was written for the Nautical Ship Challange by Verity Grahams.
The Ship is: Sirius Black and Severus Snape - S.S. Malevolence
"I failed them," Black wailed. "I promised James and Lily I'd be there for Harry, to take care of him, but I've failed them!"
"Can you shut up, Black?" Severus massaged the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming. "The boy ran away, he didn't kill himself, or anybody else for that matter. Well, at least not yet."
"NOT YET? Do you even care? No you don't! In fact, you're enjoying this, aren't you?"
Severus didn't condescend to answer, instead he raised a single brow at the furious man sitting opposite to him at the long table. It was a delight to see Black's eyes twitch with irritation at this calm reaction.
"You bloody BASTARD! You don't fucking care! You'd dance on Harry's grave if something happened to him!" Black accused, vehemently.
Black lunged for him, only to be held back by Lupin. The man looked sickly and frail with deep circles adorning his eyes and his tattered robes, but Lupin was a Werewolf. He was more than strong enough to haul Black away from the table, and pull him to the far corner of the room. Lupin did all this with a single hand. Severus was secretly impressed.
"Calm down, Sirius," Dumbledore said, his voice grave but unnervingly calm. A sort of calm which left the rest of the room with a feeling of deep foreboding, like the calm before a storm.
The room was silenced by the calm of that voice and the rest of the Order members settled back down on the benches and ill-matched chairs in the kitchen of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Everyone looked a little restless, a little overtired and a little haunted in light of recent events.
Black breathed heavily, slowly calming his temper to a cold rage that made his eyes seem a little more crazed than usual. Lupin slowly let go of him, noticing that his friend had regained some control of his impulses.
"I bet Snape is the reason Harry ran away. He makes life miserable for all students that aren't in Slytherin, but he has never hated anyone more than he hates Harry."
Severus' gaze flickered to the ceiling in badly concealed annoyance. Of course, the sodding dog would blame him. It was always his fault. Voldemort comes back? His fault! He was the spy, he should have known and warned Dumbledore – and he had, but no one really seemed to care. There was a Dementor attack in some village down in Brighton? His fault – again! The elves had over salted the soup? That was probably his fault as well!
It's always one thing or another, and now it was bloody Potter! How was he to blame for the brat running away on Christmas Eve? How the boy had left the school grounds with guards patrolling the borders – which had been put in place since the Dark Lord's rise back to power – was beyond anyone. Not beyond Severus, of course. He knew exactly how the brat had snuck out. He had been hunting the boy while he had been on his nightly escapades for long enough. And Dumbledore was responsible in his opinion – he had given the brat the Invisibility Cloak in the first place. Albus was the one that had given him a free pass to break all rules, even those put in place specifically for his safety.
"We need to find Harry before Voldemort gets wind of his disappearance," Dumbledore said after a severe glance towards the dog. The old man ignored Severus' brief shudder at the name that shouldn't be spoken. It felt like an evil spirit, haunting him whenever the old fool spoke his name, the others would never understand what it was to face that daily.
Sometimes, Severus suspected, Dumbledore said his name just to make him feel miserable. Punishment for past wrongs, he supposed. He used the Dark Lord's name way more often when he knew Severus was around. It was intentional – for all his sins; a reminder of the evil deeds he had committed.
Apparently, Potter had left right after a ridiculous teenage quarrel with the Weasley boy! All of it over the insensitive brat not valuing his mother's Christmas jumpers enough.
Weasley only stopped ranting about Potter's attitude when someone – rather too tactfully – reminded him that the boy didn't have a mother to send him gifts for Christmas. The redness had instantly faded from his cheeks and Severus had to suppress a chuckle at his comically white face. It was the small things in life that he was thankful for.
Now they were all heading back to Headquarters to discuss what this new information could mean. It wasn't like it was some great mystery, and surely it doesn't take all the great minds of this age to figure it out?
Severus could really imagine better ways to spend his time on Christmas. Not that he celebrated the holiday or exchanged gifts with anyone. He revelled in his solitude instead. No one thought about the Potions Master – the Great Bat of the Dungeons, the Death Eater spy – on Christmas, and Severus was quite happy about that. He wouldn't put it past Molly Weasley to knit a jumper for him too.
At the doorstep of the old Black house, Severus lingered, unwilling to continue with the endless discussions and accusations. Suddenly, he was pushed inside and against the wall in the narrow hall. Coming face to face with Black, Severus sneered, his wand already in hand and pointed Black who pinned him to the wall.
"Looking for a way out so you can rat Harry out to your master? I think not," Black growled quietly.
Fury flared inside him. How dare Black question him? He had sacrificed everything so the boy had a chance at succeeding against the Dark Lord.
"You think you can keep me?" he mocked with a sneer.
Black's eyes widened for a second, and Severus used the moment of surprise to grab him and push off the wall to lock Black in place instead at the other side.
"Listen closely, mutt," he breathed, leaning ever closer as he whispered in his ear. "If you keep irritating me I might just snap! All those secrets I keep for the Order – particularly those concerning you – and deliver them straight to my master. I'll watch you burn with a smile on my face."
He was strangely aware for being so close to Black who was glaring up at him. Severus relished the feeling of towering over his former bully. He felt a surge of superiority shoot through his hate. Deep down, there was something else as well, something smoldering. Something sinister and twisted, an urge to cause pain.
Black had opened his mouth, probably to call him childish names again, but Severus muted him with a flick of his wand. "I do not wish to listen to your conspiracy theories any longer, no matter how amusing I have found them."
He pulled back, but Black held him close, his teeth flashed like the animal that he was.
There was a threat in his eyes, a warning and something else that sent a shudder through Severus' cold heart and caused him to draw back slowly.
Before he could decipher what it was, Black had squeezed past him to join the rest of the Order in the kitchen.
"I think I know what Harry is up to," Lupin said as Severus entered, lingering at the door. "It's Christmas! The time to unite with your family."
"I'm not sure if you have caught on yet, Lupin, but there is no family for Potter to visit."
Lupin shot him a glare and someone kicked his shin under the table quite forcefully. Severus bit his tongue to keep a straight face as he glared at Black sitting opposite to him.
Lupin – the ever annoyingly collected bastard – smiled a small smile at him. "There's still somewhere he can go to feel close to his family."
"Godric's Hollow," Dumbledore said with a sparkle in his eyes, as if he had had the idea himself.
Eureka, Severus thought, ironically. His eyes might have rolled his eyes again, but he received another kick under the table.
He had the urge to put on his father's old steel-capped boots – the ones that he had worn for work and often given a younger Severus a good boot with – to return the sentiment. Black, however, would be a big baby about it, and Dumbledore wouldn't be amused. Lupin would probably purse his lips critically, but Severus imagined he would be secretly amused. He suppressed a smile at his little fantasy.
Black jumped up. "What are we waiting for? Someone has to go and find him!"
"And here I thought you were jumping up to do the job yourself," Severus commented.
Black glared at him.
"We'll go immediately," Dumbledore agreed.
They were ushered out of the kitchen by Molly Weasley quickly with promises of returning her poor Potter baby in one piece.
Severus wanted to ask why he needed to be present, but Dumbledore quickly excused himself, saying that the school needed him and left him with Black and Lupin to fetch the boy. How convenient.
It was snowing lightly in Godric's Hollow, and when they found Potter, his lips were all blue as he stood on the little graveyard.
Lupin – ever the most sensible and perfect father-figure – pulled the boy into an embrace and disapparated them with Potter clinging to him.
It was endearing, really, Severus thought. One could question why the boy had looked for his family here at this desolate and deserted place when he had a whole bunch of people caring for him that were very much alive. Severus clenched his fists when he felt cold jealousy chilling his bones. He had never managed to get rid of that particular emotion, it was an embarrassment.
He looked at the grave and realised that Black hadn't left yet.
They lingered, Severus because he couldn't tear his eyes away from Lily's name on the gravestone, and Black because he was a bloody nuisance.
"I can't believe it. The boy ran away because no one thought of ever showing him his birthplace or his parents' resting place. You ignorant fools!" Severus ranted. His frustration about the whole situation was finally boiling over.
"Hey! It's not my fault! I wasn't there for all those years."
"You, Black, have been around for long enough now! You are his godfather, are you not? You want the boy to live with you in that shithole you call a house, and you want to be his 'daddy-replacement' and guard dog, but you can't bloody pull your head out of your own arse to think about something as simple as that?" Severus exclaimed, his voice rising above its more usual calm.
"I couldn't–"
"Merlin, please make him shut up! If I have to hear any more excuses I'm going to the Dark Lord asking him to relieve me of the pain of living in this wretched world!"
The dog was quiet. Finally. Severus silently thanked the stars and Morgana because he really wanted to live, and he didn't think he could withstand the temptation of casting an Avada at himself if he had to hear the dog moping for a moment longer.
"I was afraid, I couldn't bear it," Black said, quietly and Severus turned to him, surprised. The man was staring at the grave stone as if his world would end the moment he looked away. He didn't blink, and the tears ran steadily down his cheeks.
"Standing here, with Harry? I didn't think I could do it."
Severus raised a brow. Bloody sentimental Gryffindors. He was standing here at the grave of the only friend he had had in his miserable life, and yet he managed to keep it together quite well. The dog, however, was practically sobbing his heart out.
"I killed them." Black said, suddenly.
Severus snorted. "If I remember correctly it was the Dark Lord who cast the killing curse, and it was your dear best friend who ratted them out to him."
"I–I sometimes feel like I'm to blame. I should never have urged James to take Peter instead. I told him it was the Slytherin way, that no one would expect it. I told him we needed to be clever about it. But deep down, I knew I was afraid. I was scared shitless of being hunted down and tortured, and I was scared that I might betray them, that I wouldn't be strong enough to keep the secret. I'm a lousy, cowardly Gryffindor and a pathetic excuse for a friend."
"I agree."
Black barked a dry laugh. "Of course you'd say that, Snivellus." He kicked a pebble onto the adjacent grave, the disrespectful bastard. "You really haven't changed at all. Sometimes it feels like everyone is on tiptoes around me. With you it feels like I had never been in- like I had never been away."
"I was a lousy friend as well," Severus added more quietly.
He saw Black watching him from the corner of his eyes. Severus refused to look at him.
"Lily," Black breathed.
"Lily." Severus nodded.
"Awww, Snivellus is wallowing in self-pity! The world is right again." Black laughed.
"Oh, fuck off," Severus growled and turned away. He was glad, though, that the dog didn't offer him any excuses for what he had done. Severus had left the excuses behind. Sometimes, the dog was bearable. Sometimes more than all the others. Severus had had enough consolation and well-meaning words from both Dumbledore and Minerva.
"Let's go get wasted and indulge in some nostalgia?" Black called after him.
Severus made a retching noise, letting him know exactly what his opinion on that was.
When he walked down the street, a shaggy dog jumped after him, butting his side with a playful growl.
"Keep your fleas for yourself," Severus grunted, not really meaning it and kicked the dog's flank just lightly enough for him to jump out of the way. The black beast continued to cavort around him, head butting him again, just nearly missing the arse.
"Fuck off, Black," Severus said, and then grabbed the dogs fur and disapparated the both of them.
He'd need a lot of booze to make this bearable, was his last thought, but maybe it wasn't too bad. He just hoped that the dog wouldn't change his attitude around him just because they shared some secret pains. He'd never get over Lupin's questioning looks.
No sane person would ever understand why, what you despised the most, was the only thing you really needed. Black was crazy enough to not question whatever this was.
A/N: Thank you Verity for beta-reading and for this wonderful challenge. it was fun writing this unconventional pairing! This is for you – my favourite Snape fan :')
I hope everyone liked this little story :) For the readers of my other stories: I'm still working on She is Clueless, I want to finish it before starting to post again. Updates are in my profile.