Nobody Here Is Perfectly Happy
"Can you promise me you'll still be here when I get back?"
"Of course. I'm happy here."
Kiyoteru told her that with an easy smile, and Lily stared back at him crossly. Still, he continued gazing at her with eyes that showed nothing of his inevitable sadness or grief. She could never fully believe everything that had happened to her brother when he looked at her with those eyes; it was too hard to believe that his world had fallen apart only four days ago when he still seemed to be so perfectly happy. It was because he lived in such a way that Lily worried, though. How long would it take for him to finally fall apart and give up on all he'd held true? How long would he stay there with those falsified memories, gazing innocently at the walls as though he understood everything that needed to be understood in this world?
Kiyoteru watched Lily as she looked back at him once more before biding him a farewell with a promise to visit him soon and closed his apartment door. Then, he stood there and stared after her, wondering if she'd come back, not that he was lonely or anything without someone so close by his side like he'd had only four days ago. He was happy, after all, so he couldn't be lonely. Next, he moved a little, moving his weight to his heels. He moved it forward on his foot next, then back to his heels. Back and forth. Back and forth. He rocked forward and back, forgetting any mention of side to side, and continued smiling, because everything was good in life. He hummed a simple tune, or maybe one that was complicated. He wasn't quite sure, because it was just a tune and tunes were what he sang. He liked to sing, to sing together with people. He wasn't the only one who liked to sing, though.
He froze when he heard the sound of shattering glass, but then he returned to his rocking and singing. His smile didn't fade, though, because he knew it was okay. It would always be okay, because life was perfect and he was perfect and everyone was perfect. He glanced back at the glass balcony doors, though, just to be sure, and, though he couldn't see the glass doors beyond the curtains he'd drawn in front, he knew they were there, so there was no reason to be alarmed by the sound he heard. It wasn't real, after all, because the only thing that was real was this easy happiness, because he was happy. Why shouldn't he be happy? Everyone here was perfectly happy, after all.
"Hey, Kiyoteru? What's happiness?"
Kiyoteru could've laughed at her for saying that. Miku was such a silly girl, after all. Happiness was happiness. That was all there was to it. It was an emotion, nothing more and nothing less. It was something you felt, so you yourself decided whether or not you were happy.
"I don't remember what happiness is."
She'd looked at him with such sad eyes, and he'd felt a little bit of his happiness slip away for just a moment. But she'd been okay. She'd been happy. When he'd kissed her on the forehead, she'd looked up at him with a timid smile. She'd looked at him with the eyes he'd loved to see so much.
"I'm sorry, Kiyoteru. I know you're my happiness. You make me happy."
"You make me happy," he murmured to himself with a smile, because it was oh so true. She made him happier than he'd ever been before. It was because of her that he'd been able to be this happy. He was still this happy because of her.
He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet once more and gazed at the door again.
"Hey Kiyoteru?"
He always hated the thought of watching her walk out this door. It was the most hideous sight he'd ever see, but it would still made him happy, because, each time she would leave, it would give him another chance to watch her walk back through it next time she came home, because this was her home. It wasn't where she was meant to live with her parents. It wasn't where she was loved unconditionally, because that was something Kiyoteru refused to offer her. That was something that came from her family, which was something he wasn't to her. Still, this was her home, because he loved her more than anyone else, and she loved him so much.
"What is happiness?"
Happiness is the first day of spring. Happiness is a hot chocolate on a cold day. Happiness is knowing that someone loves you. Happiness is loving someone. Happiness is knowing you're not alone. Happiness is the opposite of sadness. Happiness is real. Happiness exists. Happiness is . . . Happiness is . . .
He'd never answered her when she said that. He'd been stupid. He didn't understand that, at that moment, he was happy. Kiyoteru had never understood that he was happy because he'd been miserable for so long without her that he cold barely believe that she was truly with him. But he was so happy now. He understood it now. This was happiness, pure and simple. Nothing could make him happier than thoughts of her and her smile.
"Teru."
She made him happy.
"I'm not happy."
He made her happy.
"I don't remember what it's like to be happy."
He was happy just knowing she was happy, because he knew she was happy. He'd always be happy. He truly was happy, here in his apartment, here where he and she were home together. And she'd be home soon. He knew it. He knew it more than he knew anything else. She'd come back to him soon and take care of him and tell him she loved him and tell him what happiness was and tell him how she loved him because she loved him he knew she loved him shelovedhimmorethananything.
He noticed that his rocking had become more vigourous, so he slowed down with a soft chuckle and murmured to himself, "Hey, what's happiness?"
"Why do you want to know?"
He smiled at himself and replied, "Because she wants to know what happiness is. She wants to know what makes people happy. She's happy. I know she is. I need to show her how happy she is."
"Are you happy?"
He laughed at that. "Of course I'm happy. Just knowing she's happy makes me happy. I love her, after all. And she loves me. I couldn't be happier."
"I want to be happy."
She was still here with him right now. He knew it. He knew it. He knew it. He was sure. She wasn't gone, she was here with him right now. He wasn't alone here in this dark cell, he wasn't alone. No he wasn't alone because she was here. She wasn't gone she'd never be gone she was here she hadn't left she was here she was here she'dneverwalkedoutthatdoorshewa s—
"You love me, right?"
Kiyoteru remembered what it was like to be happy. It was great to be happy. Being happy made him happy. So he just had to be happy. He had to think of her smile, and then everything would be okay. So long as he remembered her, he'd be happy. His rocking was getting furious again, but he didn't know how to stop it this time, and his eyes were tearing up despite his smile. It didn't make sense. He was happy. How could he cry if he was happy?
"If you love me, please let me go."
"Miku." Her name fell from his lips, the second syllable breaking his smile so that it wouldn't come back again. It had been three months. Three months since she'd first walked through his door and he'd told her he loved her. Three months since he was forced to turn from her and walk through the door as she watched him with that sadness in her gaze, the sadness that never truly vanished, no matter how he tried to fool himself into thinking it had.
"I'm not happy here."
What did it mean to be happy?
For Kiyoteru, being with Miku made him happy. It was the only thing that made him truly happy. So he pretended she was coming back, because how could he be happy if he accepted that she wasn't? He missed her so terribly that he'd rather die than stay in this misery. There was no happiness without her.
"I want to go home."
She was all he had in life. She was the only thing that brought him any joy. Knowing she loved him made him happy. But, no, she didn't love him. She'd never loved him. She was scared of him. She resented him. She hated him. She only pretended to love him. All those happy days were lies. There was no such thing as happiness. It was all a lie.
"If you won't let me go, I have no other choice."
The glass shattering sounded in his ears again, and he squeezed his eyes shut, because he knew there was no glass here. He fell to his knees on the hard floor, listening to the creaking of the bunk bed as someone else moved within this apartment that wasn't her home and wasn't his apartment and wasn't her apartment. This was a cell. A literal cell.
"I don't remember what happiness is, Kiyoteru. I forgot the moment I met you. I don't love you. I never did. I hate you. You had no right to do this to me. You had no right to love me."
He was in a prison. He couldn't deny it any longer. This wasn't his apartment. She wasn't coming back. He wasn't happy. She wasn't happy. She didn't love him. She hadn't been happy the entire time.
"Hey Kiyoteru, what is happiness?"
Happiness was Miku.
"What does it mean to be perfectly happy?"
Happiness was something he could never have.
"Is there such a thing as happiness?"
Happiness had broken the glass window that he'd trusted her enough to remove the bars from.
"I don't think it's possible to be perfectly happy."
Happiness had fled from him the moment she'd had the chance.
"There's always something to be upset over, right?"
Happiness had told the police everything, including her lies about how she loved him as he loved her.
"So how can you be perfectly happy?"
Happiness had been afraid of him the entire time.
"I don't remember what it's like to be happy."
Happiness had always hidden from him, which is why he'd never been able to truly find it.
"Are you really happy like this? Knowing you had to steal me away from everything else for me to be able to love you?"
Happiness was Miku.
"Are you really happy with something as fake as this? It's called Stockholm syndrome, you know. Even if I fall in love with you, it's not real. Knowing that, will you ever be happy?"
Happiness had run away and had him locked in this prison cell. But, even if it was only for a moment, Kiyoteru had had that happiness. For a moment, Miku had loved him, even if it was only out of fear and panic and her 'Stockholm syndrome'.
"Will you really be perfectly happy?"
So, no, he never would have been perfectly happy, because he knew she'd never love him properly. He'd kidnapped her, a young girl of sixteen, and asked her to love him. Even if she loved him, he'd never be perfectly happy.
He'd lived in that illusion for three months. Shattered glass and shattered illusions. He'd spent three months living amidst dreams, sheltered by denial. He'd lived in that happiness, though it was far from perfect. After all, nobody here, nobody in this world, is perfectly happy.
Author's Note: Drabble war with Shadowfox777 and Mipiko! My prompt was "Shattered glass and shattered illusions. Or, how he spends three months living amidst dreams, sheltered by denial."