Author's note: Okay...So...I used to HATE Heronstairs...but it grew on me. This is Wessa, Jessa, Jillessa and HERONSTAIRS so whatever shipper you are, there will be some of everything revolving around Jem, Tessa, and Will. Sorry if the characters are OOC.
Enjoy SilverCarstairs. I hope I didn't mutilate these ships too much and...
Love, love,
MortalShadowhunter
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
-Passenger
~~ooo~~
Jem has always been there for Will, even when he hasn't been there for him.
Tessa has always been there for Jem, even if he needs her at midnight.
Will has always been there for Tessa, even if it is just when she needs to talk.
They realize early on that you can't have one of them without the other or chaos will ensue. If you mix up and miss match them, they'll tumble down like too many books balanced on a table or they'll snap like violin strings pulled too tight, or they'll break like a necklace pulled at too often. When time wears thin and the books yellow and the violin creaks and the necklace rusts, they hold on tight and don't let go. So they don't risk their chances in fear of falling and they remain there for each other.
As friends.
As family.
As partners.
As lovers.
~~ooo~~
Homophobia, Will realizes, is a cruel, hateful thing. There are stares and rude comments and endless numbers of questions of what 'made him go gay'. He denies all of them, dating girls and engaging in spiteful activities that break him and wear him down to the bone until his patience and tolerance has been worn thin. Still, he tries to fit in, to go with the crowd, to meet expectations; he barely makes it. However, even when he falls prey to sinister forces, Jem is always there to pick up the pieces. Though he cuts himself on the glass shards of ridicule and vexation, Jem mends wounds with gentle words and long night whispers retelling stories of when they were younger.
They're still young, though. Jem is hardly twenty and Will is right behind him.
Despite the years that lay hopefully ahead of them both, Jem holds the wisdom of patience and control for both of them. Trying to hold them both up hurts but Jem doesn't mind because he would do anything for Will to be happy.
Because, to him, that's all that matters.
Even when hearts are broken.
Tempers rage.
Solidity confines.
And hate and love get blurred to a mess, bonds are mended.
And balance is restored.
~~ooo~~
To any outsider, Tessa looks just like an eighteen year old on her way to the university. She's never truly loved anyone but her book characters, and she's never lived life on the edge. She's heterosexual, clumsy, naïve, a trend follower, a student, a teacher, a reader and a girl. The people glance and they see no one special because she's just a girl and she hasn't ever become somebody.
Walking down the street with her coffee in hand, she looks down at her phone and texts her friend. She doesn't text about the latest gossip or anything of the sort; she greets, exchanges news, and then says her farewells and calls it a conversation. She'd much rather be reading her books. However, on her phone as well is a calendar holding all the events for the day, week, month, year and she follows it ruthlessly so nothing is out of order and everything is the same. There are no surprises and everything goes just how it's supposed to.
Except today it doesn't, because as she's about to turn a corner, she slams into someone and coffee spills over both of them. With a startled gasp, she steps back and presses a napkin to the spreading stain in front of her shirt. "What-"
The boy in front of her, who only as small coffee dots on the cuffs of his sweatshirt, instantly pulls of his scarf and holds it out to her. "Oh, gracious. I'm terribly sorry." He says with a look of sheepishness on his face. His companion, a boy his height with spiteful blue eyes, just crosses his arms and sniffs in a look of disdain. The boy, who Tessa realizes has silver hair and eyes, doesn't look hindered by it. "Here. You can take my scarf for the day."
Tessa takes the scarf hesitantly with a forced smile, wrapping it around her neck and letting it hang over the stain. "Thank you...Have we met before?"
"No. I don't think we have." The silver boy says, holding out his hand with his shirt sleeves rolled up and Tessa takes it. "James Carstairs but you can call me Jem. This is Will-"
"Pleasure." Will says dryly, his black hair over his eyes. "Now, if you excuse me, you're blocking the door." Shouldering past her, he makes his way into a book store and disappears behind the shelves.
"Ignore him." Jem says with a grin, releasing he hand and taking out a piece of paper to write down something. "Here. You can return the scarf here when you're done with it."
"Thanks...again." Tessa can't help but grin back. Glancing at the bookstore, she looks curiously at Will, who is obscured by books. "Is he your friend?"
Jem shrugs. "You could say he's like that."
And Tessa doesn't look at her calendar for the rest of the day.
~~ooo~~
They end up talking for hours when Tessa goes to the address where Jem said to return the scarf. Inside the apartment, she's slightly surprised to see Will there and she realizes that they live together.
Will doesn't necessarily not like her, but Jem is taking too much interest in her; too much for his liking. He's not jealous though...is he? Even so, he manages to put on a smile and act cheerful like he's not in one of his moods, which he insists are just part of his personality. However, the more he hears her talk, the more and more he tells himself that she's not as bad as he thought she would be.
"What book do you have there?" Tessa asks, looking over his shoulder when she sees he's just been sitting on the couch with a book in his hand. "A Tale of Two Cities? Oh, that's one of my favorites."
"I'm reading it for school...It's ridiculous." Will says, snapping the book closed. She takes a thoughtful sip of the water that she's holding in her hand and tilts her head.
"I think it's beautiful."
Will grins. "So am I."
For some reason, she laughs as she brings the water glass to her lips, managing to choke on it as it goes down. She coughs in between laughs, setting down her water and holding her stomach before covering her face. Sitting down beside him, she smiles into her hands, her lungs still burning where she inhaled water. Jem changes the channel on the television and tosses the remote to Will when he can't find anything good. Looking at Tessa, he shook his head. "I wouldn't do that. You haven't the slightest idea how much you have just inflated Will's big headed ego that he thinks he has. He's not that funny."
"I know!" Tessa chokes out, still laughing. "But his face-"
"There is nothing wrong with my face!" Will says adamantly, glaring half-heartedly at her. "I am gorgeous."
"Yes, you are." Jem agrees with a sigh. Tessa then looks at the time and gasps, standing up and collecting her bag. She says something about an English test and gratefully accepts for Jem to walk her out to her car. Will just keeps his silence until Jem comes back in and sits next to him, lacing their fingers together and resting his head against his shoulder.
And then Will finally smiles truthfully.
~~ooo~~
Jem doesn't know how it happens when he finds himself in front of Will with his back pressed against the grainy walls of the apartment and his right hand pinned by his head. He knows he cares for Will; Jem's not sure if he just cares for him as a friend, or in other ways as well, but when he arches forward to meet Will's mouth, he knows that it's the first certain thing he's done in a long time.
The first time Jem ever knew about Will's...feelings was on the whim of the moment when they both thought Jem was going to die after getting in a bad accident. With his poor health, Jem knew that his injuries would be fatal. He was bleeding inside and the doctor even told Will, who was the closest person Jem had as family, to see him off to his surgery. Though the doctor never said it, there were words unspoken between the letters that told Will he was saying goodbye.
"Why would you make me guilty for leaving you right now?" Jem had whispered, reaching out to take Will's hand.
"Because I've spent four damn years hiding it and I can't hide it anymore." Will had told him, his voice a little harsh and angry. "And when I see you out of surgery-"
"If." Jem had corrected, coughing up small bubbles of blood on the way to the operating room. Will never had gotten the chance to finish his sentence.
But it doesn't matter now; now that Jem is alive and on medication and his heart is thrumming in his chest. Though they break away when the phone rings, they walk to it with clasped hands. Picking it up, Jem props it up between his shoulder and his cheek, breaking away from Will to write down something on a pad with a blue pen that's running out of ink.
"Yeah...Mmhmm...Six o' clock...Saturday? Sunday. Alright." Jem jots down a few things on the paper. "Yeah. No. No refill. I'm okay. Okay. Bye."
Will frowns and ignores the fact that Jem's pajama pants are far too low on his hips. "Another appointment?"
Jem nods, his gray-silver eyes suddenly gone dark with reluctance. "Yeah. They want to change prescriptions."
"You've got a shit-load of medical problems." Will grumbles, rubbing his face with his palm and sighing. "We ought to make a list of all the conditions you have."
And even though Will is being sarcastic, when he goes to bed, there is a slip of paper on his pillow that reads:
Griscelli type 3: just physical discoloration. (Silver hair and eyes)
Pre-bronchioloalveolar carcinoma (Pre-lung cancer)
Hypertension (High blood pressure)
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)
Infatuation with best friend (Your fault)
Will almost smiles at the last one.
Almost.
~~ooo~~
Jem stands in the middle of the three as they make their way down the street.
Tessa laughs and talks and questions ruthlessly and the extra company is welcomed. When they make their way to the bookstore, she drags Jem in with one hand and doesn't need to drag Will in with the other. He's already inside and looking at the books hungrily like they're a particularly delicious looking steak. Jem would be that way too, if he weren't a vegetarian...and if he liked books.
Pulling books off the shelf, Tessa doesn't think about the pending calendar events and instead focuses on stacking up as many books in Jem's arms as humanly possible, swearing that she's going to read them all. He's patient, of course, and carries the stack of books wherever she goes.
In the end, she only buys three books and saves the rest of the money she has to buy a photo album.
She spends the rest of the day taking pictures of all three of them.
~~ooo~~
Singing vulgar songs in the mall at the top of his lungs turns out to be an utter failure.
When Tessa forces Will to accompany her into Forever 21, he makes the most horrendous slurping noises, loud clicks of his tongue, ghastly wailing noises, and noises that sound unbearably and almost exactly like cats screaming. All of this is for his sake and to embarrass her. He's shameless...a little too shameless when it comes to acting out Maroon Five's "One More Night" and he has all the people in the store staring at him in shock. Jem is outside the store, which is 'shielded' in glass windows, rolling around on the bench holding his stomach with hysterical laughter.
Tessa regrets ever pulling him into the store as Will tries to make a scene, taking her arms and spinning her into the undergarment section where he loudly declares that she needs a lacy bra to match her shirt. Then preceding to sing Avril Lavrigne's "Hello Kitty" as Tessa walks to the dressing room to try on jeans, Will is greeted by the store manager who says that he's causing a disturbance.
Though he blames it on the ducks, he's still escorted out of the store with Tessa at his heels and out of the mall entirely where Jem follows them both.
"Why did you do that?" Tessa asks, her cheeks still inflamed with red.
"It was funny, wasn't it?" Will laughs on the way back to Jem and his place while they are in the car. "Did you see the look on people's faces? It was priceless."
"That was embarrassing." Tessa fires back, punching him in the shoulder. She then bursts out into a fit of giggles, covering her face. "Please...Don't ever let me take you into a store ever again. Ever."
"I'll make sure of it." Jem pipes up, taking Will's hand when they walk down to the house.
Tessa doesn't notice the way they look at each other.
Jem doesn't notice the way Will looks at her.
~~ooo~~
"Love you." Jem murmurs and he thinks he means it in a love-love kind of way and not a friend kind of way but he's not sure and hugs his legs tighter around Will's waist anyway. He's a little taller than Will in this position, but just slightly, palms pressed to the back of his neck to drag him under. Will doesn't respond, merely grabbing Jem's tie and pulling him down, kissing him roughly and biting down gently on his lower lip, hooking his fingers at Jem's collar instead. He's light and slender, Will notes, a fragile beauty about him that isn't displaced even when the lighting is low and the tension is high.
Jem's fingers are long and slender when they settle themselves at Will's hip, his nails digging in and leaving marks. Looking up at Jem, Will parts his mouth slightly, drawing him back towards him when the phone rings and they both jump and nearly fall off the bed, leaving them in an awkward tangle of limbs.
"God damn phone freaking rings every single god forsaken shitty time." Will curses and pulls his hands from under Jem. Rolling off him, Jem sighs and takes the phone, answering it with a tired voice.
"Yeah...Hey...This is Jem." He pauses, listening. "Alright." Holding the phone out to Will, Jem gestures at it. "It's for you."
"From..?"
"Tessa."
Will grabs the phone from him. "Hey Tessa. Yeah, yeah, yeah...What's up?" He rolls over, his back to Jem and his hair a rumpled mess. "Study? No...Psh. Are you kidding me? I can help with English but- oh. You don't need...Oh...Okay. He can help instead...Okay, bye." Will hangs up and throws the phone across the room and onto a pile of clothes that he left out in the middle of his room.
"What did Tessa want?" Jem asks tiredly, taking Will's hand. "Anything important?"
Will frowned. "She wanted homework help for a college exam in math. I told her that you could help."
"What did she say?"
"She said she would like that." Putting his arms behind his head, Will stares up at the ceiling. "Night."
Jem doesn't answer him, pulling the sheets over his head and curling up beside Will like a cat.
And then sleep takes them both.
~~ooo~~
Though they've only known Tessa for a month, they already feel like a family.
A small, dysfunctional one that has it's ups and downs.
When Jem is invited to play violin at Carnegie Hall for two nights in New York, Tessa practically jumps for joy in hearing her hometown. Jem smiles and invites her; how could he not? After all, it is where she grew up and the hall is paying for four tickets to fly to New York. Almost immediately, she makes a list of things to do and places to see and slips in in her suit case. When she drives to their house at the day of the flight, seeing as they plan to go to the airport in one car, they don't notice her come in and she overhears part of their conversation.
"Your health is shaky." Will says, his voice laced with worry.
"I know. I have my meds, though." Jem murmurs. "The doctor said I'd be fine as long as I took it easy."
"But-"
"William. I'll be fine." And with that, Jem embraces him tenderly, pressing his face into Will's neck. "I want to go."
Overrun with curiosity, Tessa just walks in as if she's just arrived and makes her way to the bathroom. Making sure to lock it, she opens the small cabinet behind the mirror and her heart is wrenched with worry. Rows and rows of orange prescription bottles are standing and mounted precariously on the shelves, all filled with different colored and different sized tablets.
And they're all prescribed to Jem.
By the end of the afternoon, most of them are gone and away in the suitcases, which Will loads into the back of the car. He looks disheveled and tired, but an enthusiastic buzz goes through them all when it finally hits them that they're off to America.
Will clutches Tessa's hand on the plane.
He's afraid of flying.
~~ooo~~
"I don't feel well." Jem admits when Tessa sits on the edge of his hotel bed, her hair curling down her shoulders in brown waves. He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand, his eyes closed as he lays back against the covers. "I know that look, Tessa. The one where you're going to ask a barrage of questions. What are they?"
Tessa swallows hard but asks her questions anyway. "I...I saw the prescription bottles in the bathroom...I was wondering what they were for. Are you sick?"
Jem's eyes flutter open and he rolls onto his side, looking up at her slightly. "I have medical issues."
"Like what?"
It's Jem's turn to swallow when she asks, his eyebrows furrowing and his eyes darkening. "I have PTSD...and high blood pressure...and early stages of lung cancer."
Her eyes shine over with grief, taking his hand. "Are you going to be alright?"
"No." He answers honestly. "At least not at the rate I'm going."
"What about your hair and eyes? Is that a disease too?"
"I have type three Griscelli's. It's where the color is drained from my skin and eyes and hair; that's why I look ghostly."
Tessa presses her mouth to his just for a split second before drawing back. "You're going to be alright." She says with a smile. And she means it.
They talk a little more but Tessa sees that it's late and she kisses him on the forehead before she leaves. However, when she does, she runs into Will who is headed to Jem's room as well. Whispering her goodnight, she walks past him and touches him affectionately on the shoulder.
He smells a little funny.
Like wine.
Or beer.
Or just any old damn alcohol.
~~ooo~~
The violin music is sweet and ethereal his first night on the stage. The acoustics are perfect and the echoing reverb that resonates throughout the hall is astounding. Jem is a slim figure on the stage, his silhouette backed in a dim glow of lights so Tessa can hardly see his features under a veil of silvery hair and dark shadows. There's a beautiful way that he plays that makes the music coarse through her veins and touch her fingertips to the edge of her nerves and into the pit of her heart that remains unfilled. Through the spill of soulful notes, she sees the smear of a horizon and rivers and wind and storms that swirl relentlessly around her.
And she cries because it touches her in a way that she never thought was possible and she muffles her sobs in her sleeves. Will's eyes are dark; they are such a dark blue that they look almost violet and his mouth his parted slightly in awe.
Everything looks innocent.
Pure.
Whole.
And the music stops and there is a wave of applause. Jem grins and Will and Tessa smile back even though he can't see it.
The second night is just as amazing, if maybe a little more dramatic. He draws long, sorrowful notes from his violin like honey and watches as they run off the stage and soak into the people who are watching. But there is also a raw vulnerability that is present that wasn't there the night before. His eyes are pressed closed and he's swaying to his violin though his feet are planted firmly on the ground. There is an angelic way about him that differentiates him from the other violinists who make their music cloyingly attractive.
And more human.
And shallow.
But Jem's is brutally beautiful and honest, packed with all the emotion he can muster. And when Will listens to the notes, he sees Jem and no one else, even though his hand is in Tessa's. There's a certain way that Jem's face lights up when he spots Tessa and Will in the audience since they are near the front, a smile gracing his lips as the audience claps for him.
"It was amazing." Tessa says in wonder as they drive home, Will at the drivers side and Jem offering to take the back seat. He has his violin case clutched in one hand, his face pale and drawn though he's smiling, just staring at Tessa.
Will doesn't say anything, but his eyes are glittering.
It's the first time Jem has ever seen him speechless.
~~ooo~~
There are small, little gasping sounds coming from Jem's room when Will walks passed it, followed by fits of coughing. Unlocking Jem's door, Will pushes his way inside and hurries over to Jem. He's bent over on his knees, his hands gripping at the blankets and his forehead slick with sweat. There's blood on the sheets in front of him and his eyes are wide and more silver than ever. Will slings Jem's arm over his shoulder and helps him to the bathroom where Jem retches up clots of blood in the toilet, his nails making red marks in the side of his face.
Holding out pills to Jem, Will pleads for him to take them but he refuses them every time. In the end, Will ends up forcing Jem's mouth open and dropping the pills into his mouth before clamping it closed and waiting for him to swallow. Even so, Jem clings to Will on the floor of the room when his coughing fit passes, his face pressed into Will's chest as he trembles and shakes from the fever.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Jem says over and over, his voice stricken with grief.
"For what?" Will asks, confused.
Jem shakes his head against Will. "You deserve so much better."
But Will wants to tell him that he doesn't deserve anything.
And that his friendship-or whatever they are-is so much more that what he could have ever wished for.
That Jem has always been the good one and he has always been the one with too many secrets.
"I'm going to take you to the doctor's tomorrow." Will says instead, his fingers raking through Jem's silvery hair. "I'm sure everything is going to be just fine."
He's told too many lies to count.
~~ooo~~
But he's not alright and they're put on the first plane back to London where Jem's doctor and registered hospital is. The plane ride is turbulent and uncomfortable and Will spends half the time with his eyes trained on Jem's pulse as he drifts in and out of sleep, and the other half quoting things at Tessa and trying to figure out which quotes come from which books when she quotes them back. She ends up making him smile with their little game and she takes his hand and squeezes it and tries to get Will's mind off Jem's health.
Will has always known that he has been gay.
But there's this feeling when he's with Tessa; the same feeling that he gets around Jem.
And he realizes that he's in love, stuck in a messy triangle between his best friend and a new girl that makes him feel all dizzy and cheerful and hetero inside. And he knows that he will have to choose, but then he thinks.
Do I really have to?
~~ooo~~
It turns out that Jem has a precancerous tumor on his lung and that, without surgery, he could die within months. However, because his health is fragile, the surgery could kill him as well. Despite the risks, everyone decides that the surgery is the best option. Convinced that he's going to make it through, Will doesn't even tell Jem good luck. He just leaves without saying anything, but they know it's easier for each other that way.
"Do you love him?" Tessa asks in a hushed voice when they get back to Will and Jem's place.
"Yes. Don't you?" Will responds simply, blinking at her.
"It's kind of crazy." Tessa say, rolling over onto her back and resting her head on Will's lap. "That I've fallen in love with two guys that happen to be gay. Ironic, huh?"
"No. Not ironic at all." Will smiles and pulls her against him so her arms are around his neck. "When you fall in love with your two best friends, how is it possible to only choose one?"
"Is this like one of those love triangles in books that always works out in the end?" She asks shamelessly with a laugh. "I can't possibly choose anyone. That would hurt one of you."
"You brought us closer." Tightening his arms around her, he kisses her jaw softly. "You can't break us apart."
"I don't even think there is a name for this."
Will grins. "Friends with benefits."
Turning beet red, Tessa covers her face with her hands and laughs. "That's romantic."
Uncovering her face, Will grins again. "Jem will think so too."
~~ooo~~
Jem is only hardly conscious the next day and keeps slipping under anesthesia and exhaustion. There are so many needles and IVs hooked up to him that it seems like he's more needles than anything else.
"Hey porcupine." Will says when he walks into the hospital room, staring at all the needles in Jem's arms and wrists. Jem groans in tries to cover his face when Will walks in, but fails miserably and ends up being forced to lay on his back so he doesn't pull any of the needles out. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired." Jem answers simply; he doesn't have the energy to say anything else. Tessa comes up from behind Will and Jem smiles at both of them, his silvery gray eyes glittering. "You?"
"Good." Tessa replies, sitting on the edge of Jem's hospital bed. Jem coughs once, but there is no blood and Will sighs in relief. Moving carefully onto his side, Jem sighs and closes his eyes, not meaning to fall asleep, but he does anyway. Tessa and Will don't mind, though, and they just sit on the couch next to each other at the end of the room and play the stupid one dimensional games on their phones that have all the pixels and nearly impossible quests. They laugh at the mobile version of the first edition of Legend of Zelda and find themselves dying at every stage. Will wishes life was a game where you could undo and redo and restart and pause, but life isn't like that. It's unforgiving and unpredictable, often biting back in the most painful of ways.
They play until they fall asleep on each other's shoulders and they do so for a couple of nights until they wake up to Jem buttoning up a shirt and pulling pieces of tape from his wrists. There's a small line of blood on a bandage that lies in the trash, and new bandage rolls on the counter beside him. A nurse comes in with a wheelchair but Jem declines it and says that Will can be his crutch.
Just like Jem has always been his.
"Why are you leaving so early?" Tessa asks, her eyes big and gray and full of relentless inquisitiveness. "Shouldn't you stay here until everything is healed?"
Jem just smiles crookedly, though there is pain hidden behind his eyes. "I like it much more at my place. I don't think I can spend another night here."
"I cleaned your room." Will says, trying to sound like he was productive.
Jem cringes. "What did you do to it now?"
And Jem walks to the car, albeit a little unsteadily, but one hand is in Will's and one is in Tessa's and they laugh telling stories about what happened when he was under the anesthesia and in surgery. Though he's out of breath and in pain when they get to the car, Jem laughs at one of Tessa's stories and knows he will remember the pure joy that he sees in Tessa's and Will's eyes forever.
Vividly.
~~ooo~~
Sitting cross legged on his bed, Will and Jem sit facing each other and just talk. They talk about ducks and cats and Supernatural and Iron Man and books and past memories. Will talks about how he got bit by a mallard when he was six and recollects on how he broke a kids arm, who he remembers as Gabriel, in seventh grade when he got into a fight. When Jem shares stories, however, he only shares the ones in the past year because he finds that that is really when his life started.
He tells stories of memories of bashing into Tessa and lending her his scarf, of hours spent talking, of watching Will make unsightly and horrendous noises in the mall, of the gallons of gas spent on driving to the bookstore, or sickness and health, and love and friendship.
Even though the doctor tells Jem not to do any 'strenuous' activities, Will takes Jem's hand and pulls him towards him, pushing his mouth against Jem's and kissing him once, twice, three times until he isn't counting kisses and he's only counting how many times he has to be grateful for having Jem. Tenderly and softly, Jem presses one hand on the back of Will's head, his eyes closed and breathing soft and hitched. When they do finally break apart, Jem takes Will's hands and laces their fingers apart before pulling away.
Tessa comes into the room with three mugs balanced precariously in her hands and she kisses them both in turn, and it seems absolutely normal. Sitting down, she hands them each a mug of tea and sips at her own.
"Did I miss anything?" She asks, before gulping down some of her tea. It burns her tongue, but she doesn't notice it.
"You just missed the very 'interesting' and 'insightful' recap Jem just gave me of the past year." Will says sarcastically, exchanging amused glances with Jem. There's something different about him; he's a little too clear faced and bleary eyed but Tessa assumes it's just from him having to go through difficult times.
"Mmm. That sounds marvelous." Tessa laughs breathily as she raises the mug to her mouth and her breath makes a few bubbles when she swallows some tea, making her laugh more. Some of the hot tea splashes on Jem's hand and he yelps, tumbling backwards and somehow managing, with superhuman powers, to not spill any of his own tea.
"Haha. Your face..." Will is cackling hysterically, his blue eyes shining with laughter at Jem's expression.
"Are you alright?" Leaning forward, Tessa pulls Jem back up and fights the urge to grin.
"I'll live." Jem says with a smile, rubbing his hand. His chest hurts where there are stitches, but he doesn't really feel it because he's happy.
And he thinks Will is too.
But, for the first time in a long while, he's not entirely sure.
~~ooo~~
Confession, Will realizes, is the hardest form of truth. When Jem catches him with a glass in his hand and a dizzy look in his expression, fear makes his temper flare and Will spits for Jem to go away. However, Jem stays there with a look of determination on his face and wrenches the glass from Will's hands and it falls to the floor and shatters into pieces. Without a second glance at the broken glass, Jem takes Will's arm and tells him to go to bed. But Will isn't thinking straight and pulls away, his face flushed and breathing hard. And it's the first time they actually argue and the spite and hatred that Will keeps bottled up inside him unleashes and leaves light dots of bruises where he grips onto Jem's wrists, his eyes blazing with fury.
But Jem, calm as always, endures what Will cannot and does not tell Will to calm down because that would only cover the flame, not snuff it. He only just manages to keep a straight face when Will says that he wished he would die so he wouldn't have to be such a goody goody like Jem wants him to be, and that he's sick of all the bias and hurtful comments about the way he feels. How, even though he loves both Tessa and Jem, his heart still feels like it has been severed in half; he is confused and turned inside out until he cannot even remember why he is yelling.
Later in the night, Jem finds Will sitting on his bed with his face in his hands and an expression of utter guilt. "I'm sorry." Will whispers when Jem enters the room. "I don't know what came over me."
Sitting beside him, Jem kisses Will's temple softly, taking his arm. "What's bothering you? Why are you so unhappy?"
"I'm not unhappy." Will says, turning away from Jem. "I'm just...stuck."
"Let me help you."
"I don't want your help."
"I want to help." Jem murmurs, his voice strained with worry. "I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself."
"You won't understand."
Shaking his head, Jem coils his fingers around Will's wrist. "Maybe I won't, but I just want to know what's wrong with you."
"Well, I drink and I have a hard tell venting to my friend when I'm sober." Will says sourly, an underlying tone of sarcasm in his tone. "That's two things."
Jem smiles bitterly. "It's a start."
~~ooo~~
Will doesn't mean to be so rough when he takes Tessa on the bed. There are two love bites on the side of her neck and he can feel scratches down his back from her nails and he's not sure if he regrets it or not. He's too upset, too empty to feel anything and it feels like he's been suspended in some time continuum where he's afraid to move on. He cares too much, thinks too little, and hurts too many. Even so, Tessa stays with him for the entire night with her fingers in his hair and her body too sore, no thanks to Will, to move. And she just lays there with her back to the world, listening to the rain, tapping incessantly against the roof, the windows, and her heart. She whispers that it's going to be okay and, when he pulls away from her, she forgives him even then.
She forgives him because she loves him.
~~ooo~~
Jem doesn't remember how the night starts or ends, but he does remember that there is rain and there is only Tessa. And he remembers how his hair is soaked and slicked against his neck and forehead and how hers is hanging down in thick, caramel sheets. And he remembers how her hands are running through the wet strands of his hair and she's pulling him down to kiss her. And he remembers that she smells like lavender and her lips parts easily beneath his when their mouths meet.
When he tells her that he loves her, he's not only telling her, but himself and Will as well. Though times have been rough, he wouldn't trade any memories away for anything in the world. He wants to remember them all, vividly, as if they happened the day before because they need each other. They need each other in the way that Will needs his books or the way that Jem needs his medicine or in the way that Tessa needs answers to her questions. They're dysfuntional, impetuous, young, stupid, smart, selfless, selfish, argumentative, mediators, lovers, friends, partners, family, and perfect flawed.
Absolutely perfect in every way.
~~ooo~~
Will, Tessa, and Jem all sit in silence.
Will is at the wheel, looking ahead contentedly, not really seeing anything.
Jem is beside him in the passenger seat, humming music under his breath.
Tessa is in the back seat behind Jem, her eyes focused on a book.
They don't speak because they don't need to. They are just listening to the rain on the car roof. They are watching people slide across the slick streets. They are waiting at a red light.
And then someone spins out of control and hits them on the right, back end.
And then there is silence.
~~ooo~~
The white lights of the room are nearly blinding, but Will manages to blink open his eyes and twitch his fingers.
He's stiff and hot and stuffy, a horrid ache in his arm that shoots pain up into his shoulder. Lifting his arm, he sees a bloody bandage wrapped around it and needles and monitors hooked up to him. A nurse with a scar on her cheek comes into the room, a clipboard in hand, and smiles comfortingly. Something, Will knows, is utterly wrong.
"What happened?" Will asks, his mouth dry and papery.
"Listen. You were in a car accident." The nurse says, sitting down on a stool beside him. "Your injuries were minor. Thankfully, you didn't get the brunt force of it. How are you feeling?"
"Where's Tessa? Jem? Where are they?" Will tries to sit up, his body weighted down with exhaustion. He stares at the nurse with a pained expression, and he can see his eyes reflected in hers. Though no one tells him what happened, he instantly lets out a cry and opens his mouth to take a shuddering breath. "No...It couldn't have been going fast enough...It better not have-"
"Listen, Mister Herondale." The nurse says, writing something down on her clipboard to hide her sorrow and sympathy. "The girl...She didn't make it...But that other boy is-"
"Let me see him." Will interrupts immediately, his hands jittering with pain. "Let. Me. See. Him."
"You don't understand." Reaching over, the nurse pulls the IV from his arms and turns off the monitor. "He got hit. Hard. In the back of the head."
"But he's fine...right?" Will sounds frantic, pushing the sheets off of him and pulling his tucked shirt from his jeans. It doesn't hit him yet that Tessa's gone and his mind is only on Jem. "You said he's alive."
"He's alive." The nurse looked away from him. "And he wants to see you, but he's having trouble...remembering things, names, events, people. William, what I'm trying to say is that he has amnesia."
"I don't care." Will mutters, standing up. "Where is he?"
"He's in his hospital room waiting for you." The nurse bites her bottom lip, the scar on her cheek twisting. "I'll take you to him." And she does, leading him outside and down hallways and up elevators where she pauses at a door labeled: James "Ke Jian Ming" Carstairs. ID:14895. "Take it easy, on yourself, on him. Your injuries aren't severe, but I don't want stress to open them again."
"To hell with taking it easy." Will retorts, shouldering his way into the room. Jem is on the hospital bed, the top inclined so he's nearly sitting up straight. When Will comes in, Jem smiles a little confusedly but still looks glad to see him. "James. Are you alright?" Will inquires immediately, pulling up a chair to sit beside Jem. Looking down at Will, Jem blinks.
"I'm fine. Why?"
"I was so worried." Will sighed, crossing his arms on the bed and burying his head into the covers. Jem reaches forward, coming the tangles from Will's hair with his fingers. "I heard about Tessa...Oh my god." Will makes an anguished cry, covering his face with his hands. "Tessa."
"Is she one of your friends?" Jem asks, his voice as calm and cool as water. "I don't know if you've mentioned her to me before."
~~ooo~~
It's 2014.
Two years since the accident and it's still in Will's mind as clear as the day before. Together, he and Jem go through the same picture album she bought at the bookstore every week until he has memorized what she's wearing and what she looks like in every picture.
He studies it every day just in case if he forgets what she looks like, or if her face and Jem's aren't the first thing that he sees every morning. He studies it so he remembers where the small, dark freckle she had on her right shoulder just in case if it slowly erases itself from his memory. And he looks at the pictures and wonders that if the girl he sees in his mind is still her, because he can't see clearly anymore.
There are times when Jem can't remember who she is, and there are others where he points at a picture and says, "That's her. That's Tessa."
And Will sits there with his face in his hands in tears running silently down his face as he says, "Yes. That's Tessa. That's Tessa."
But there are some times where Jem can only recall a kiss or a bloody cough or a trip to Forever 21 with a faceless girl. He doesn't remember the time he and Will spent in the dark, whispering stories to each other. He doesn't remember the dysfunctional family feeling or the way it felt to hold her hands in his. He doesn't remember her smile or her love of books or the way she spilled coffee on both of them.
Even though he tries.
But there is one thing Jem knows.
He knows that there is a hole in is heart where there wasn't one before.
And he tries every day to fill it.
Will tries to help him remember with a kiss, but it slowly loses it's meaning no matter how close and entangled they are; it isn't the same. Will tells stories of them together and relives the memories and relives what pain and joy it wrought above him, and he finds himself bowed under the weight of loss. He tells how they were there for each other.
As friends.
As family.
As partners.
As lovers.
Jem smiles at each story, but doesn't really connect. He's kind and calm, listening to each lost memory with the same grace and respect, but he still doesn't remember more than a trace of lavender and spilled coffee.
But Will tells the stories anyway because he remembers each one.
Each and every one.
Vividly.
~~Fin~~
Author's Note:
Wow...Okay...
I don't know what to say except for...I hope you liked it.
Au revoir
Sorry if it sucked.