A/N: I know, I know. It's been a while. A long while since I've written a 100 fic. But I've been really busy writing essays and other fanfic and maybe part of a novel – writing everything else BUT 100 fanfic. The truth is since the show's been off-air I haven't been too inspired.
But that completely changed after 3x02.
Just bear with me for a sec.
OH MY GOD! I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH BELLAMY EVEN MORE! THAT EPISODE. HIS FACE WHEN HE SAW HER. HOW HE CAN'T STAND TO LOSE HER. HOW SHE BEGGED FOR HIS LIFE. WE HAVE THE BRIEFEST OF REUNIONS AND IT WAS SO PAINFUL BUT SO BEAUTIFUL ARGH I CAN'T STOP FANGIRLING.
Okay, I'm back.
I've had this story saved for a while and finally came back to it and edited the parts I hated. I really like this story and I hope you guys to too.
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own The 100 or any of the characters; I also do not own any of the quotes or books used/mentioned in this fic
the book thief
"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you."
Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
When Lexa first sees Clarke, she catches her red-handed.
The library's about to close and Lexa's stacking books back on the trolley. She's come to the public library to study, because the law library on campus is feeling a little oppressive at the moment (no matter how good Gustus' intentions are, he breathes just too loudly for her to concentrate) and she has exams next week. She's standing, buttoning her jacket against the cool air of November, when she sees her.
Her back is to Lexa, and she probably wouldn't look twice at her if it wasn't for the fact she sees her stuffing a book into her bag. She swings it on her back with such assurance that, for a moment, Lexa thinks she's seen wrong. The girl walks to the exit and Lexa follows her. When the alarms go off, the girl doesn't so much as falter; instead she looks to the security guard who nods at her, and she actually gives him a wave.
Lexa speeds up and just catches sight of the blonde disappearing round the corner. There's no group of friends waiting for her with grins, cheering her on; no, it's late, and it's quiet in this area. Lexa follows the blonde's route, but when she turns the corner she is on the main street. Herds of people are walking round her, everywhere she turns. It's no good; she's lost her.
She's not even certain why it matters.
It's January when she finally sees the blonde again. She's in the Hub, the student centre at university, doing her prep work when she sees Anya storm out of a meeting room. It's usual for Anya to be thundering in and out, so Lexa is tempted to ignore her –
But then she sees a flash of gold and stops.
It's her, the girl in the library; the book thief. Even though she's only seen her once, she's certain.
"Who's that?" she asks Anya, who has come over to her and is banging things on the table.
Anya glances over her shoulder. "Don't ask," she growls, voice monotone.
"Anya, who's that?" she repeats, in the exact way she knows will annoy her. But Lexa knows Anya, knows that she'll bark rather than bite. She focuses on the blonde girl who is in line at the vending machine.
"Clarke Griffin, med student," she finally answers. She sinks next to Lexa, downing some water. "She's a Course Rep, like me. Pain in the bloody ass. She's always arguing for more printing credits and more access to the labs and – just more everything. For the med students, of course. The rest of us are supposed to make do. Bitch."
A student. At the same university. Lexa can feel the blood rushing through her wrists; it's actually making her light-headed. She wants to go over and say – what? She's not good at starting random conversations. Costia she met when she collided with her in a coffee shop, spilling her latte all over Costia's smart work shirt. She had been stuttering out an apology and Costia, with her death glare on, said calmly that she would only forgive her if she had a drink with her – sans the one on her shirt.
Lexa is half-out her seat, but the blonde – Clarke – is approached by another girl. The two of them are laughing as they exit. Lexa knows she should be disappointed, should be upset – but the girl is here, and she knows her name. Fate could not have designed it better.
"Where does she live?" Could Clarke live in the same accommodation? She knows even before Anya answers that it's not the case. In Grantham Hall (known as Grounder Hall to everyone, even members of the staff, for some reason that no one can even remember, maybe because the majority of the rooms are on the ground floor) everyone knows each other.
Anya glances at her sharply, but after a second her gaze softens. "I don't know," she admits. "Somewhere off campus."
Third time's the charm.
This time she sees the girl in the canteen. It's quiet and Lexa's only here because she's got more exams (more and more pop quizzes and tests, and then there's mock trial and case studies, so much to do that sleep is the last thing on her list). She logs off the computer and is already eyeing up a chocolate muffin when that glimmer of blonde hair catches her eye.
The blonde – Clarke, Clarke – is in the queue. On her tray is a coke and a large chocolate muffin. Before she even knows what she's done, Lexa's behind her. She rests the tray on side, making a loud bang that Clarke glances over.
Her eyes flicker on the tray before they lift to her face. "Looks like we had the same idea," she says. Her cheeks lift when she smiles, and Lexa sees a smudge of paint on the corner of her mouth.
"Well," says Lexa, so fast that she barely has time to think – but she can't lose this girl again, "chocolate fixes everything right? Even the stuff that alcohol can't fix."
Clarke grins again, wider. "Woman after my own heart," she says, and Lexa's own lifts. "Art student?"
"Law." She laughs when Clarke winces.
"Oh wow, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean – it's just that I major in medicine, and the only thing that I could picture being even harder is doing law. I mean, least in medicine we get practical work."
"Well," says Lexa, handing over her own coins, "we do mock trial. Not all paperwork. And I can't imagine doing anything worse than racing round eating terrible canteen food and getting sneezed on."
Another smile, but this time Lexa sees a flicker of something else on her face. They sit together and end up talking about university and chocolate, coffee and alcohol and favourite hang-out and bars. Lexa is thrilled when she hears that Clarke frequents The Ark, a local bar for gay people.
She talks about her artwork, about a project she's working on. "I'm trying to draw people being still and people moving," she explains, and there's a faint blush on her cheeks that so damn attractive it makes Lexa want to grab her and plant a kiss on those lips. "God, that sounds so stupid. But – God, I can't even explain it. It's more like – finding the beauty in the simple things, y'know?"
Yes, she thinks. Before she can speak, she asks if Clarke wants to go for a drink sometime. Then blonde stops, staring at her for one agonising, painful moment that makes Lexa want to die – and then she nods.
Lexa meets Clarke's flatmates for the first time the night after they have sex.
They've been dating, ever so casually, since late February – and Lexa's not been this happy since – for a long time. Clarke is one in a million: she can drink like a fish and wake up hang-over free, can't cook but knows the best fast food places in the city (the Panda is the best Chinese food she's ever had; she could eat their fried rice every day); she hums when she's concentrating and Lexa keeps trying to guess the song; she can sit through any horror film without batting an eye but loves Disney and fairytales and knows The Lion King off by heart. Lexa has never met anyone like her.
Finally, in early to mid March (March 11th, Lexa knows, not that she'll admit that to anyone if they ask) they sleep together. They've just been to a gig, a band they both love even before they knew each other, and they've been drunk more than they should. Lexa's wearing a conservative white shirt, but has paired it with a short red skirt – real short – and her favourite black leather jacket. Clarke is wearing a black dress, no jacket and so –
She is so engrossed in Clarke (engrossed, she loves that word) that doesn't look round the house – yes, Clarke lives in a house, not one of those crappy student apartments that most people can afford. Even when Lexa's kissing Clarke and she's scrabbling for her keys, she can tell this isn't a regular place.
That night, in the darkness, Lexa watches Clarke sleep. Her arms are thrown above her head, just like –
The pain runs through her like a blade. It's a reminder, that the past is never really gone.
The next morning she vaguely knows Clarke has gotten out of the bed, but she doesn't move. She enjoys the feel of the sheets, how she feels tired but in a good way. There is warmth coming over her body, and when she opens her eyes she is staring right at the sun.
Now that it's morning, she can see everything clearly: Clarke's room is messy but organised, if that makes any sense. For example, her books are scattered all over the place, some in piles reaching almost to Lexa's hip; there are papers on Clarke's desk too, some with words scribbled across them, others with last-minute sketching. She reaches out and touches one of the crumpled sheets; it trembles and then tumbles onto the floor and, like a ripple effect, destroys the magic.
She sits up and her skin prickles, reacting to the cool air. Clarke's brown robe is hung on the back of the door, and as she slips it on she can smell Clarke: the antiseptic, vodka-like scent and acrylic paints she favours, and the lovely vanilla body spray that Clarke bought when they went shopping to Lexa's favourite all-natural store and honestly, Lexa doesn't think she loved Clarke more than in that moment.
Honestly, she wants to look round Clarke's room a bit more: to touch the little figurines of animals on the windowsill, read over the collection of notes on the desk, examine the books, the ones crammed on the shelves so tight that she doesn't think you can actually pull them out, the ones piled so high they are the size of a small person, thrown across the floor so it's almost impossible to see. But the door creaks open and there's Clarke, in purple-splashed pyjama bottoms and a large grey hoodie that she has to push them up her arms.
"Hey." There's that blush again that makes her look so cute. "Here, I bought you coffee – lots of milk and sugar, right?" like she even has to ask. "Bell's making breakfast."
"Bell?"
"Bellamy." Lexa pauses as she lifts the mug to her mouth, because there's something in the way she says that name, how the words linger over the syllables. "One of my flatmates."
"One?" In the distance, Lexa thinks she hears a bang outside, but Clarke's eyes don't leave hers.
"Trust me, it'll be easier to introduce as we go." She opens the door a little wider. "Trust me," she repeats, and holds out her hand.
Without thinking, Lexa puts her hand in hers.
The place is huge, and the wooden floors creak and stutter as she walks over them. Outside in the hall there are even more books, once again piled so high that Lexa has to slither between them. The stairs are wooden too and groan as she walks down them, even when she stands on her tiptoes. Clarke continues to hold her hand as they walk through the narrow hallway, and it's so narrow that when they come upon the kitchen it opens up in front of her.
She wants to exclaim over it, but she can't seem to find her voice, not among the others.
"-I mean, okay, I don't believe in ghosts and all that shit but I swear, the air had some weird vibe to it-"
"C'mon Reyes." There's a boy at the stove and he's got one hand on the handle of the pan and another cracking an egg on the side, but he's looking over at the girl. "Besides me, you're the only sane one in this house. Don't go bat-shit crazy on me now."
"Oh please, it's way too late for that." She sees her smirk over at the boy. But then she catches sight of Clarke and Lexa, and her face falls into a more natural grin. "Hey – Lexa, right? Finally good to put a name to the face." She holds out her hand and Lexa lets out a little breath as she shakes it.
"This is Raven," Clarke announces. "The genius of the house."
"Mega-genius more like," she says, but she's grinning at the introduction. "Sit down, eat – Bell makes a mean bacon sandwich."
The boy looks over at her, eyebrow raised. "You want one? It's okay, I mean, at least you ask unlike some ungrateful bastards-"
"I hooked us up with free internet – I think I'm owed a few free meals."
"I'm a vegetarian," Lexa blurts out, interrupting them.
Bellamy looks at her again before giving a nod. "Eggs then? Scrambled?"
Lexa's not keen on eggs but nods and sits down next to Clarke. Her heart is racing and she so, so, so wants to say something witty or smart. She's saved though when she hears padding, and from the opened doors a large white dog bounds in. It completely ignores her and bounds towards Bellamy, circling him like a hawk.
He points an accusatory spoon at Clarke. "See? I told you this would happen if you fed him at the stove. He never leaves me alone anymore."
"You have a dog?"
"He's all of ours. Zeus," Clarke explains. She scoops up from her seat and goes towards the stove, patting him. Lexa sees her fingers slide over the side and snatch some bacon, but before she can toss it Bellamy grabs her wrist.
"Don't even think about it, princess."
"He's a dog Bellamy."
"That dog is overweight. He's not getting anything but his own food. Right?" He glances at Raven when he says this. She holds her hands up, but winks in Clarke's direction.
"Are the parents fighting again?" Another girl wanders into the kitchen, and her eyes fall over to Lexa, who instantly recognises her as the one she saw with Clarke at the university. "So you're the one that made all that noise last night? Sorry," she says, grinning at her face. "Never try and sneak around in Olympus."
"Olympus?"
"That's what we call the house-"
"And of course the dog rules it." The girl rolls her eyes. "Nice job Bell."
"You're the one that kept pestering me to tell you stories. Now come and get your coffee."
The girl grins and snatches it from his hand (how many of those does Bellamy have?). "When are you leaving for training, big brother?"
"About half eleven."
"I'll walk into town with you," she offers, and he gives her a little smile. But Lexa can tell there's something up: the grins on Raven and Clarke's faces fall. Raven gets up and says goodbye, Clarke is busying herself at the stove. She brings Lexa a plate of scrambled eggs, tomatoes, toast and mushrooms – extra mushrooms. Mushrooms are her favourite food – she knows it's a weird favourite, but she's always loved them and, well, she's always been strange. She catches Clarke's eye and the blonde smiles. The knot in her stomach loosens a little. "Lexa, meet Octavia, Bellamy's sister."
"No – try the bane of Bellamy's existence."
"Complain all you like big brother. You wouldn't be able to function without me." Her voice droops a little at the end of that sentence and again, she sees Clarke look away. "Does anyone else need the shower? Good," she says before anyone answers and leaves the kitchen, munching on a piece of bacon.
"This is really good," she says when it's just her, Clarke and Bellamy.
"Thanks," he says, nodding at her. A smile tugs on his face when he looks at Clarke. "Your girlfriend over there would starve if it wasn't for me."
Lexa stiffens but Clarke ignores the use of girlfriend. Instead she completely focussed on Bellamy. "I can cook-"
Bellamy snorts out a laugh. "You once asked me how to boil water."
"No I didn't – I just asked if I should pour the water into a hot pan because – you've got to stop telling people that story." Clarke voice rises and Bellamy's laughing and Lexa sees –
Footsteps, and another flatmate emerges. "Hey Monty, this is Lexa," Clarke introduces, but when Lexa looks his head is shoved in the cupboard.
He lifts his head up for a moment. "Hey," he greets before he stands, his arms filled with cleaning supplies.
She sees Bellamy and Clarke's heads snap towards him, honing in like predators approaching food. "What are you doing?"
"Where's Jasper?" asks Bellamy.
"Why did you need those things?"
"What were those bangs earlier?"
"You haven't spilled anything on the carpet?"
"We're not doing anything," Monty claims. There's another bang from upstairs, and Lexa can see Monty is itching to get away. "Nothing serious anyway." He rushes up the stairs, and she can hear more slamming.
Clarke and Bellamy exchange a look. Bellamy wipes his hands on the tea towel. "I checked on them the last time."
"No you didn't."
"Where were you when they set off that soda rocket and it went through next door's window?"
"I have a guest Bellamy."
With a weight-of-the-world-on-his-shoulders sigh, Bellamy finally heads upstairs. "If I don't come back in ten minutes, send a search party." He pauses in the doorway and makes direct eye-contact with Lexa. A shiver springs up her spine. "It was nice to meet you," he says, but by the way he says it makes it sound more like an apology.
"C'mon," Clarke says, pulling Lexa up. "Let me show you the garden."
It feels like she's stepped into another world. It's not neatly trimmed or organised, but that somehow makes it better. Clarke leads her to a table and they sit in the chairs, watching Zeus dance round the weeping willow like he's performing a ritual.
"Sorry about that." Clarke smiles, ruefully. "I know they're a bit intense."
"No, they're..." Amazing? Bemusing? Connected to her in a way that Lexa isn't? "...great."
She doesn't look like she's fooled. "You'll get used to them," she promises.
"I will?"
Another blush; she leans over to Lexa, her hands gently resting on her legs. "I don't know about you, but I thought last night was pretty...great." And right there, in the bright sunlight of March, Clarke kisses her. Lexa kisses her back, and decides that maybe she can put up with her crazy flatmates.
Her girlfriend's flatmates.
(The fire alarm goes off. From the house they can hear Bellamy cursing.)
When Lexa first came out, it was to her grandmother.
Her grandmother, Mary Coombes, was in a nursing home. She wasn't ill exactly, but even Lexa knew that she was dying. It was an effort for her to move now, and she was content to sit by the window and stare at the garden.
One day Lexa was visiting, and she's not even sure why she said it. Fate again, maybe. She blurted it out: "Grandma, I like girls."
Her grandmother had turned to her, eyes blinking like a baby bird.
"I mean – I like girls. Not boys."
She didn't know what to expect from her grandmother: denial, at first. Shock. Maybe even outrage. Would she demand Lexa leave? But instead she watched her grandmother give her a soft, slow smile. "I fell in love with a woman, once."
And Lexa sat and listened as her grandmother told her about Sadie. They met during the Second World War, both newly married to husbands that were overseas. They grew close. Her grandmother told her that the first time she felt it: they were cooking when their hands met in the sink. At the same time they looked at each other.
They made love by candlelight in the darkened living room that night, and for more and more nights while outside, in other countries, people were being shot and killed and tortured.
"It was like our little oasis. Like nothing else mattered, like the war was part of another story. We would have picnics on floors and tell each other about our childhoods.
"I worried about what would happen when George came home," she confessed. "Sadie had a husband too, and in those days, you would have children. There was no question of not wanting any. If you could, you would have kids. And I wanted them – I wanted your mother," she assured Lexa. "But the thought of never being with Sadie... In the end, it didn't matter. Sadie was killed. Pneumonia. By the time the doctor realised it was too late." Through wet eyes, Lexa saw her grandmother smile sadly. "She always said we would beat the Germans. I wish she could have seen it happen.
"I never told your grandfather. All I said was that I lost a good friend. If he ever figured it out, he never let on. Same-sex relationships weren't as rare as people liked to pretend. And I loved him. Perhaps not in the same way as Sadie, but I did. And I've had a good life."
After that conversation Lexa visited more frequently. Her grandmother became more animated; she even showed Lexa letters that she wrote to Sadie after the war, for years and years after Sadie's death. When her mother came from the nursing home one day, she remarked how much better her grandmother was doing. "She's clearly got more fight in her," she said.
But that very night they got a call from the nursing staff, reporting that Mary had taken a turn. For a week her grandmother slipped in and out of sleep, barely waking long enough to eat. One evening it was just Lexa, and she was sitting on a chair next to her reading some letters to Sadie, when her grandmother suddenly spoke. "Sadie?"
Lexa's throat swelled shut. "No Grandma, it's me, Lexa. Your granddaughter."
"Lexa." Her thin lips go over the name, and her blue eyes focus on her. "Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't hide your feelings. At the end of the day, your happiness is the most important thing." And she gripped Lexa's hand so strongly she could barely feel it.
She died the next day, but by then Lexa understood. She had needed to tell someone about Sadie; only then had she been able to let go. And Lexa knows, wherever her grandmother is, Sadie is with her.
After two weeks, Lexa finally begins to feel like she knows a little more about Clarke's flatmates. Raven is like this super-genius who is applying for an internship at S.H.I.E.L.D.* and everyone assures her she's going to get it. Monty and Jasper are doing sciences at university, and are both pretty smart themselves, though they constantly put their toe over the line when it comes to safety (Clarke's showed her the burn marks on the walls and the place where the builders spent three days filling in the gap in ceiling). Octavia is doing a PR course, but right now her real passion is working at the community centre, training little kids in martial arts. That's where she met her current boyfriend Lincoln (and Lexa almost wants to fall down on her knees because, thank God, there is someone else in Grounders that knows them).
Bellamy is the oldest out of them all and the only one besides Raven to have a job. He works in the army, having weeks off and then going aboard. As far as Lexa can tell, he goes on the most dangerous missions to earn money. It's clear that he's the one keeping them all in the house.
She likes them all. They're funny and witty and each of them have amazing talents that makes Lexa feel about three feet tall. But they're lovely. They are.
(She hates the way Clarke is with them. Especially Bellamy.
When he talks, Clarke listens. You can actually see her thinking through what he's saying and coming up with a reply. When he's in the room Clarke positions herself so she can see him. When there are decisions to be made, everyone – and it annoys the hell out of her, because she's doing it too – looks to Clarke and Bellamy, and the two of them exchange a glance that say a thousand things at once.
So Lexa feigns illness and tells Clarke to go to Bellamy's going-away party alone, and for a moment she looks at her girlfriend – hair tied back, in her best jeans and red halter top, and realises that she never actually offered to stay.)
She came out to her parents six months after her grandmother died. She thought it was only appropriate because – well, it's hard on parents'. She's been reading comments about other people who came out to their parents on the internet, and one girl pointed out that it was like losing a loved one. When other people on the site complained, she said, "Think about it: your parents have all these plans for you – your wedding and how many children you'll have. And even though you might get married and have kids, it's not the way they pictured it. For some it takes a while."
Her parents were actually pretty good about it. Her dad went a little pale and her mother got teary, but they both hugged her. "We love you no matter what," her mother made sure to say.
It did take time in the end. Not time for them to accept it, but time for it not to be so awkward. Time for her being gay not being the only thing in the room. And it's great, when Lexa comes home and just like old times, when they watch DVDs and bake fresh bread and go on hikes.
There are just a few times – like when her mother asks her whether she still wants to get married, and if she'll wear a dress (for the record, yes, Lexa does want to wear a dress. She doesn't care whether her fiancée would want to wear a dress as well – why does one of them need to wear a suit?). And her father tentatively asks her whether she has a girlfriend, no more jokes about her husband needing to be a saint.
Most of the time Lexa doesn't mind. It doesn't really bother her. But sometimes, every now and then, she goes to bed and wishes –
Wishes they understood.
Things are more comfortable now that Bellamy is gone, though Lexa will never voice it. When he is here the air feels electrified somehow and she can't help but shift. Now it's easier, cooler, lighter. She sits with them in the living room next to Clarke, squeezed on the sofa. She talks a little but mostly listens – and laughs.
She learns about them.
She learns that Jasper and Monty have been best friends for years because their parents were best friends. Best friends that went on holiday leaving their kids to be looked after by grandparents and never came back. Practically brothers, the two of them do everything together. Sometimes Monty will get a sad look in his eye or Jasper will be quiet for an hour (with Jasper being quiet for a minute is an anomaly) and they're the only person who can bring the other out of it.
She learns that Raven's mother was a junkie, more focused on getting her next fix than feeding her daughter. Raven learnt to get by on her own. Even so, it hurt when her mother disappeared (she doesn't say that, but Lexa sees the flash in her eyes). Police were called but no one ever saw her again. The next tragedy to occur was when Raven got shot. She lived in a bad neighbourhood before, and got hit by a stray bullet one night. It almost killed her; she survived, but lost the feeling in her left leg.
Finally, she found out that her boyfriend – and best friend – had been cheating on her. She broke up with him, but it took her a while to get over it.
(Lexa doesn't know why, but she gets the feeling that Clarke is listening to their conversation. Her eyes are on Octavia demonstrating one of her martial art moves, but Lexa can just tell.)
She learns about Octavia (and Bellamy). She learns that they don't have the same father. Their mother went a bit "wild" when Bellamy's dad died, and slept with a string of men. To this day Octavia has no idea who her father is. "But it never mattered," she tells Lexa. "Bell has always been my family. Even more than Mom."
Their mother died. There was a car pile-up on the road one evening in January – Lexa can vaguely remember seeing it on the news. Aurora had been killed. Bellamy and Octavia had survived. "Bell was okay," Octavia says, and it's only in her pause that Lexa notices the room's gone quiet. "I don't really remember it. My head hit the glass. But Bellamy was lucky; he was only bruised.
"Our mom, she died instantly. Bell knew. He got me out instead. Of course," she says with a weak chuckle, "that's how we met Clarke."
Lexa's eyes slide to her girlfriend.
Clarke isn't looking at her. She's staring at Octavia, her mouth hitched up at the corner, a look that doesn't quite match her eyes. Lexa waits for her to speak but it's Octavia that continues talking.
"When I woke up, I had both you and Bell staring at me. Then Bell swears blue murder and Clarke asks me a bunch of questions. I wish I'd stayed unconscious."
The rest of them laugh, and Jasper squawks out, "Typical Mom and Dad." Lexa remains quiet, watching Clarke, who carefully doesn't look at her.
She leaves it.
(It's only later that Lexa learns that Clarke's father had died too. Not that she learns this from Clarke.)
She understands then, why they all get on so well. All of them have suffered a loss.
(I have too, she thinks. Almost wants to say. The words are on her tongue, right on the tip, but –
Costia's dark eyes stare at her, and she knows she can't. Because Costia wasn't loss, she was everything, and Lexa's not going to put her in that category.)
Sometimes after sex, when Clarke's asleep, Lexa looks at her. Her profile is a shape in the darkness, and she can still see her golden curls, attracting the smallest bits of light. And she wants to say, "I used to be in love with a girl. Her name was Costia, and she was amazing. She was amazing and she died, and I've never gotten over it."
Sometimes she thinks she never will.
Other times, she thinks she already has.
It's the latter that scares the life out of her.
Lexa practically lives at Olympus now. She and Clarke bake together and she wakes up with Clarke's hair in her nose, and they spend nights in curled up on the sofa and nights out at The Ark, and she loves how Clarke can down three shots in three seconds, loves how Clarke looks in dresses – red, grey, black, looking feminine and fierce all at once. She wakes up in the mornings and even though she has tons of work and should be stressed out of her mind, she smiles.
(It's the little things really, that get to her.
She knows that none of them can relax. Even when they're playing drinking games at two a.m., when they're laughing, she can see it: the tightness around Octavia's eyes, the way Jasper's smile seems to fall too easily from his face, how Raven's seems shifty, unable to keep comfortable.
And when they enter Zeus dashes to the door, greeting them with his tongue hanging out and tail wagging, but he always trots outside to see if there's anyone else. To see if Bellamy's returned.
And Octavia mopes around like a wet weekend, not quite smiling as much as she usually does. Lincoln tries – he takes her out to stupid comedy films and her favourite places to eat, leaves her flowers, just because. And it can work for a little while. But Olympus – it's Bellamy's place, in the very name of it. As soon as Octavia steps through the door her expression droops, just a little, but noticeable.
She can take all of that. But it's Clarke's reaction that gets to her.
Again, it's the smallest things: like at three a.m. and they're in the kitchen and they're killing themselves laughing because Clarke has no clue where anything is when she'll stop, her mouth falling into a firm line, and Lexa knows she's thinking of him.
Like when they're out shopping and Clarke will suddenly stop in front of this stupid shop that sells all sorts of things, and points out the Star Wars junk. Even though she doesn't say it, Lexa knows that Bellamy loves Star Wars (this was actually what cemented his friendship with Raven's new boyfriend Wick, and they have deep and meaningfuls about the new films and whether they'll be any good). She can already see Clarke is thinking about Bellamy's birthday present, picking out the corniest, most annoying thing to get him.
Like when they're doing their homework, and Lexa will look up to make some remark, but Clarke is staring into space, fingers a bracelet or tapping a pencil on the table, a look on her face. And Lexa knows she not concerned about her college work.
What irritates her most is that Clarke never confides in her about Bellamy. She doesn't even mention his name, doesn't bring him up – but he's there, in the gaps between words and laughter, and Lexa knows this.
So she isn't surprised that they're making out in the living room in Olympus in the afternoon and the phone rings; they ignore it, because the only people who call the land-line are telemarketers. So Lexa almost jumps out of her skin when she hears Bellamy's voice.
"Hello? Hello, is anyone there? C'mon guys pick up. I'm not selling anything I swear, not even bad jokes. O? Clarke? Reyes? C'mon guys-"
Clarke freezes and then catapults herself in the air, grasping for the phone. "Bellamy?" she nearly yells into the phone.
"Clarke?" His voice is still coming through the answering machine. She hears how it lifts, not from asking a question but because – because he's happy.
Clarke turns round, phone pressed against her ear. Lexa sees her smile and thinks of words – "pure" and "relief" and "love". She thinks she has never seen Clarke smile like that before.)
There are two ways to die: quickly and slowly.
Watching someone die by degrees is agonising, for everyone. But you get to say goodbye. They get to make plans, finished unfinished business, make sure others are looked after.
Dying quickly is easy for them. Perhaps pain, maybe a lot of it, but they're not in it for long. The worst is for you. There are no goodbyes, no farewells. You don't get to say all the things you wanted to say. You don't get to tell them how you really feel. You think there's time, you avoid it because it's mushy and embarrassing but – and then they're just gone and the space where they used to be is replaced by hole, sucking in everything that you have left.
Costia died quickly. She was crossing the street and got hit by a car. Hit and run. The person was never caught. People called for help. They got her to the hospital and phoned the last number she had called. Lexa's.
She had raced there, part terrified and part in disbelief. She had just been left a voicemail by her. She could remember Costia's voice, hot like coffee. "Okay honey, I'm thinking you, I'm thinking me, I'm thinking a night in with take out and House of Cards. I need some Lexa time tonight. Call me and we'll make plans." She hung up without even saying goodbye. Because she had thought that there would be so many chances, so many opportunities to say goodbye and make love and cook breakfast. Everyone thinks they're invincible. Everyone thinks they have time to waste.
But Costia didn't.
By the time Lexa got there, Costia had died.
(A part of Lexa died that day too.)
"Can I ask you something?"
Clarke rolls over on the bed, her hair tied back in a ponytail. "You're my girlfriend. You can ask me anything."
Lexa returns her smile, albeit a little timidly. "What's with all the books?" She finally mentions it because Octavia came in this morning and collided with a pile, creating a domino effect. "We're giving some of these away!" she had yelled from the hall.
They were in the living room watching a DVD but Clarke had turned. "No way!"
"Clarke," Octavia said, finally entering the room. "I love you, and I love my brother, but there isn't any room in the house."
"There are more books then you can actually read in a lifetime," Raven had added.
Clarke glowered at the two of them. "We don't give away books. You always regret it in the end. Besides, do you want to be the one to tell Bellamy that you gave away some of his precious books?"
Octavia had grumbled but she didn't suggest it again.
Now she sees Clarke look away. "You'll think I'm weird."
"I've seen you get excited over cutting people open. That ship has sailed."
Clarke gives her a smile. "It's something Bell and I do. When it was my birthday Bellamy bought me a book of fairytales. On the front page he wrote an inscription. 'A book of princesses for the princess'.
"So later I gave him a book. It was The Da Vinci Code. I wrote, 'So you have something to distract you from worrying about your sister – and on Saturday night when you're not getting laid.' It's kinda been a thing between the two of us ever since. We just give each other books."
She thinks of the first time she saw Clarke. "You buy all these books?"
A little blush crosses her cheeks. "I've stolen a lot of them," she admits. "That's another habit that we've got into. We take them from second-hand bookshops and libraries." She reaches a hand onto Lexa's shoulder. "Don't hate me."
She does, a little. One thing that Lexa is for is that hard-working people should be honoured. She would never steal anything from someone who had worked hard.
But to Clarke she says, "I don't hate you," and crawls into her arms. "It just seems so stupid. You're risking a lot y'know. What if you were caught?"
"We're not. We're careful. Besides, I just tell the security at the library that I have books from another library which sets off the alarms. As long as I show them before I steal the book, I'm good." She sounds like she's preparing for an invasion and for a moment Lexa imagines Clarke as leader to an army, planning war strategies and winning great battles.
Lexa leaves it, though it niggles at her. One day, a week before May, Clarke is out at class and Lexa is enjoying a rare sleep in. Except she's not asleep. Instead she looks over at the books that Clarke has in her room. Telling herself she doesn't really care, she pulls one from the bookshelf. It's a copy of Jane Eyre. She flips to the front page and sure enough, there's Bellamy's elegant scrawl.
Clarke –
Just to remind you, I am GIVING you this book. I am not READING this book.
Bellamy.
She picks up another one, Catcher in the Rye.
C –
You can read this book first. If it passes your expectations, let me read it.
B.
In Oliver Twist:
B –
Try to guess who you remind me of from this. It's actually not who you think.
C.
In The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:
Try to learn something new.
In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
Dear Loser –
HOW HAVE YOU NOT READ THIS YET? PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE READ THE REST OF THEM I GAVE YOU. IF YOU HAVEN'T I AM GOING TO TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND READ IT OUT LOUD TO YOU.
C.
In Alice and Wonderland:
Princess,
Bite me.
B.
P.S. I'm right.
And in a copy of Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, looking fairly new, she reads:
Clarke –
Look, you and I both know I do stupid things. But you know I'll always have your back, no matter how many fights we get in. And yeah, I'm an idiot, but I'm YOUR idiot. Sorry, best friend privilege.
Can you just forgive me so we can go back to talking? I kinda miss your babbling. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you.
Your humble servant,
Bellamy.
x
Lexa puts the book back, carefully, making sure it's in the right position. She looks at the shelves of books, the ones piled on the floor. Surely all of these can't be written in.
She doesn't want to test that theory.
Lexa has morals, principals. She won't eat meat, was even a vegan for a little while until her doctor warned her she wasn't getting the proper nutrition. She doesn't wear leather or fur – she once threw paint on a designer and got arrested. She recycles everything. She thinks that safeguarding the environment is the most important thing and supports renewable fuels.
She and Clarke are in bed and Lexa's going on about a documentary they just watched about guns and how lax the law is on getting one, and how one failed attempt at terrorism at an airport means that everyone has to take their shoes off when they go flying, but there have been dozens of school shootings and nothing changes, and Clarke's staring at her with bright eyes.
And she says, Lexa, one day you're going to change the world.
For the first time Lexa feels the same height as everyone in the house.
She's made it through the week of exams, amazingly. She hasn't seen much of Clarke this week because she's been busy too, so Lexa celebrates by getting up early and going round with doughnuts and coffee from their favourite cafe.
Predictably it's dead in Olympus. Clarke's the only early riser, sometimes Raven will pull an all-nighter, but the rest of them never get up until at least ten. She creeps up to her girlfriend's bedroom, slowly opening the door to surprise her.
But the bed's empty.
So is the living room and kitchen. It's warm, so Lexa looks outside the window that overlooks the garden. Clarke is leaning against the kitchen door, looking towards the weeping willow. She sees Zeus with an old slipper in his mouth, ears pricked up. Clarke is laughing, her mouth moving, but Zeus doesn't look up.
The leaves spring out and a shape emerges, lunging for Zeus. The dog leaps to the side, springing like a deer, tail wagging for side to side. Bellamy spreads his arms out, lowering so he's eye level with Zeus. Lexa sees Clarke call out something, but she doesn't think Bellamy is listening because he dives onto the dog, who once again jumps out of the way. Bellamy falls to the floor and Zeus' paws land on his stomach. Lexa can see his "Oof!" from the way he sits up, and Zeus lies down on top of him, chewing his toy. Lexa can see Clarke has her head in her hands, absolutely busting a gut.
She watches.
Even though Lexa's schedule has considerably calmed, Clarke is still busy. A gallery has agreed to showcase some of her work which is a huge deal, and she's been working on a set of paintings and a sculpture. There's a shed in the back garden which Clarke uses as her studio, and often Lexa has to come down at midnight to bring her to bed.
She's walking over the dry grass, careful not to step on any dog shit. It's a clear night, cool despite the warmth of the day. She gets to the door when she hears voices.
She knows Clarke talks to herself, loves that about her. But this time –
"I need to cancel. Tell them I can't do it."
"Don't be a fucking idiot Clarke."
"Bell, my paintings still need work and my sculpture is nowhere near ready. I mean, look at it-"
"It looks good! I mean okay, the shaping a little strange but his face is really good. You can see his features, and his arms are really toned. You could show that."
The room's quiet for a second. "Bell. That's a girl."
"Oh."
The two of them start laughing, and Lexa softly pushes the door open. She sees their backs, Clarke's hair tied up in a messy ponytail, Bellamy dressed in a t-shirt and boxers. The two of them are facing the sculpture.
"Thanks, for trying to cheer me up."
"I shouldn't need to. C'mon Clarke, your work is some of the best I've seen. If you cancel you'll always regret it." She sees his arm brush against her shoulder. "You're going to be great."
She sees Clarke turn her head, and Bellamy inclines his. The two of them are facing each other, noses downturned, and she actually sees them brush. She holds her breath, hand frozen on the handle. She waits for it to happen.
"You're tired," she hears Bellamy whisper.
Clarke moves her head away, laughing lowly. "I can barely see straight. Lexa's probably wondering where I am..."
If Clarke says something more, Lexa doesn't hear. She backs away and as soon as she's far enough she runs, back in the house and up the stairs, pulling the covers over her body to stop herself from shivering.
Clarke would never cheat on her. Lexa knows that, has found out enough about the Clarke-Finn-Raven love triangle to know that Clarke hates liars more than anything else, hates betrayal. She would never do the same to Lexa.
She repeats it over and over in her head. But it doesn't take away the knot in her stomach.
That isn't the last straw.
It isn't watching Clarke talk to Bellamy, seeing her move closer to him as he speaks. It isn't seeing the two of them share looks that she can't understand. It isn't watching Bellamy always take a seat next to her, always pay attention to her, always follow her as she leaves the room. It isn't hearing the others make jokes about Mom and Dad organising things again. It isn't seeing the looks that Raven and Octavia exchange. It isn't how Monty avoids her eyes, like he doesn't want her to see what he's hiding.
It happens like this:
One boiling hot Sunday Lexa is in Clarke's room. She's trying to find where her bag has disappeared to, praying Zeus hasn't taken it (Jasper claims that Zeus was a kleptomaniac in a former life) and she finds a book stuffed under Clarke's bed. It's The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, and it's clearly been read often if the bent corners are any indication.
Before she can think about it, Lexa flips the front cover open. Already she knows that Bellamy has written the inscription. She knows his handwriting; Clarke's is always untidy, like she's racing to finish.
It's a quote from the book; they do this sometimes. It says:
The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.
That's when Lexa knows.
She should have known already, should have seen it. No, she did see it. She's always known. But for some reason it hasn't hit her until now. Now she can't hide from the truth: Bellamy likes Clarke. No – Bellamy loves Clarke.
And Clarke doesn't want to admit it – no, she's tried to fight it – but she loves Bellamy too. It's so flipping obvious. You don't steal books and write on the pages for just anyone.
Clarke loves Bellamy. She just doesn't know it yet. She hasn't let herself know it.
And Lexa is just as bad, because she's been playing along with these two.
She's been so stupid.
She breaks up with Clarke on a Thursday. Clarke stares up at her, clear blue eyes filling with tears, because she doesn't understand, she thought the two of them were good, better than good. Lexa tells her that she doesn't love her. It's a lie, one that cracks along the fault-lines of her heart, but she tells it.
There are other reasons too, legitimate ones. Like how there are bits of herself Clarke has never let Lexa see, how she keeps things from her – like how her father died, about Finn, her relationship with her mother. She would always avoid the tough conversations. It's as if she always knew that Lexa would never been important as the rest of Olympus.
And even though part of Lexa is mad at Clarke, really mad, another part of her knows she's responsible too. Firstly, for not backing away when she first saw the connection Bellamy and Clarke had. And she never told Clarke about Costia. She tells herself it's because she wasn't ready, but the truth is she didn't want Clarke to know. She didn't want to give her that part of herself.
She leaves Olympus that day, deliberately not looking back.
Clarke doesn't give up, calling and sending emails. She doesn't give up until she sees Lexa shove her tongue down another girl's throat in front of her. She watches Clarke's face freeze before she backs away and Lexa knows she's done it.
She drives all the way home that night. Her proper home, the one with the white picket fence and tidy garden. She thanks God that her parents keep her room the same for her, fresh sheets and everything. She crawls into bed.
When her mom comes in that morning, in her tattered brown robe and messy hair, asking, "Lexa?" she bursts into tears. Her mother holds her while she cries, her dad patting her on the shoulder, and they let her mourn.
(Maybe that was the point of going out with Clarke. Her mom always says things sometimes have a strange way of working out. Maybe going out with Clarke wasn't about finding love; maybe it was all about finding her way back to her parents.)
Five years later, she hears through the grapevine that Bellamy asked Clarke to marry him. He asked the same way he did everything with her: by writing it in a book. She said yes.
Lexa isn't surprised. She and Clarke, in some ways they were great, better than great, but Lexa was made for Costia. Clarke, she was always made for Bellamy.
(Clarke said she was going to change the world –
- and she does.)
"The way he looked at you. I got it then. He loved you, and it was killing him. He won't get over you...he can't."
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
* - I know I know, Avengers obsession
A/N: As per usual:
1) I tried hard not to make anyone the bad guy in this fic. I love Bellarke, but I did feel for Lexa in this fic. That being said, I don't like Lexa with Clarke in the show – I don't see a particular spark and I dislike the way Clarke is around her. She always seems to make bad decisions when she's with Lexa.
2) I had an idea to do a Bellamy, Clarke and Lexa triangle for a while now; I also liked the idea of two people writing to one another through books, and I decided to combine the two. I really enjoyed thinking up the notes that Bellamy and Clarke would write to one another.
3) Now I'm not gay, but my best friend in the whole wide world is. I tried to show how tricky it can be, being gay in this world (though I have the hope that people are becoming more accepting) though I didn't want to make it the main point in the story. I really hope that I haven't offended anyone and I apologise if I have. It wasn't my intention.
Hours to make. Seconds to comment.
PLEASE REVIEW!