--Ashley--
I rubbed my head again. This paper was really starting to get on my nerves. I argued with myself over why I took extra courses. Higher education was starting to seem overrated in my eyes. Sam always did extra work even if he wasn't asked. I never knew how he did it half the time, slaving over a book for hours at a time. I wanted to ask him for advice but Sam wasn't home again for the third time this week. He sure knew how to make me worry. I knew the funeral had stressed him out but after a month, I thought maybe he would start to get better. During the funeral, he stood solid. I was the whimpering baby at his side when Jess was placed in the ground. Ashes to ashes took on a whole new meaning that day. The closed casket didn't help me mourn; I wanted to see her one last time. Now it was a scar on my heart and a deep gaping wound in Sam's soul.
He moved in with me after the funeral. It was like old times when he lived with me before he moved in with Jess except for the awkward silence that had instilled itself during the time he had been here. He kept quiet about everything that had happened. His brother Dean popped up occasionally, lurking mostly around in the shadows. He stood away from the crowd during the funeral. I guessed it was to let Sam mourn in peace. At times I wondered if he was a vampire until I saw him drenched in the sun's light while helping Sam move stuff in. I offered him coffee that day, but he said he needed to leave, he had other places to be. Like Sam, he didn't talk much to me.
The stress over this class was starting to get to me. My vision teetered back and forth in between a small rectangular box and the computer screen. I tried my hardest to focus, get a few more sentences in and I would be done for the night but nothing was working. I decided to give in and shut down for the night. I saved my work, turned off the computer, and slid in a cd. It was my favorite cd, a mix of hard rock. It mostly contained songs for the Queen of the Damned soundtrack and my favorite band Godsmack. I stared at the small rectangular box again and frustration set in. I tried dancing, slowly moving my hips along to Voodoo by Godsmack but nothing could avert my eyes. I grabbed the box, drew out its contents and set it ablaze. Smoking is a bad habit I knew, but sometimes it's a release. I stood there for a second surrounded in a smoky haze when I heard someone clear his throat behind me. I figured it was Sam, so I didn't turn around.
"Sam, this is my only one tonight, I was just a little bent over this paper." I said. I knew he really didn't like my smoking habit and I tried to limit it while he lived with me. When he moved in with Jess, I couldn't help but start up again.
"Actually I was hoping you could tell me where he was." came someone else's voice. I twisted around and there was Dean. He was leaning against the doorframe, dressed in a dark red button up shirt with a black shirt underneath. His jeans looked old and faded, splotches of paint covered them. His dark black jacket was the only thing that looked clean. I took a short drag and let out a stream of smoke before putting the cigarette out.
"He's not here Dean. He went to go and get some books from a store in the next town. Something about fires and their causes. My guess is he's still trying to figure out what happened with Jess." I said. I set the cigarette down in the ashtray and tightened my cardigan around me. It was a normal reaction to whenever I was around men, they always brought out the scared little girl in me.
"Oh, I just wanted to bring him some books I had lying around. They were our dad's and I thought they could help him out. I'll just leave them here. Could you have him call me when he gets here?" he said and set down a few worn books on the coffee table next to the door.
"Why don't you stay and wait for him? You can crash on the couch if you need to. I'm pretty sure he should be back here in an hour and I could use the company. Do you want some coffee?" I asked and pointed towards the kitchen. He shifted his weight around and scratched at his face. I could tell he was hesitant.
"You know, maybe it's best I just wait for Sam at my hotel. I'm sorry." he said. He turned to leave when I dropped a bombshell on him.
"I have homemade pie." I said. He stopped in his tracks. His head turned to face me, eyebrow up.
"What kind of pie?" he asked.
"Pecan, with chocolate chips. I made it earlier today. And I was just about to brew a fresh pot of coffee, maybe make it an Irish coffee. I've got some pretty good whiskey." I said. A smile played on his lips, lighting up his face.
"I think you've convinced me to stay." he said. I walked towards the kitchen and Dean slowly made his way inside. Passing over the threshold without a box in his arms must have been a stretch for him. I made the coffee in silence and set the two mugs on the table. The pie was heating up in the microwave but I set the forks on the table. The bottle of whiskey was on top of the fridge and I pushed it my way so I could grab it when it dropped.
"That seems dangerous." Dean said, holding the mug in his hands.
"Well when you are short, you make due with objects falling on your head when you are trying to get them down from high places." I said. I poured some of the contents of the slightly dusty bottle into my mug and passed it over to Dean. He gazed at the label and nearly poured half the bottle into his mug.
"What?" he asked when he caught me staring at him in disbelief.
"I see you like your coffee strong." I said and sat down across from him. When the microwave announced that it was done, he brought the slices over to us. The awkward silence between us was growing unbearable when Dean drug his hands through his hair.
"You've known Sam for a long time right Ashley?" he asked.
"Yep, four years. He needed a place to live away from his roommate and I was in his study group. I offered up the extra bedroom in the apartment and we've been friends ever since. I even introduced him to Jess."
"I didn't know that."
"I thought you guys were brothers. Don't you guys talk at all?"
"Has he ever mentioned me, or my father?"
"Well, it was more like I asked and he skirted around the subject. He said that you guys traveled a lot but your home was in Lawrence. He said your mother died when you guys were young and your dad didn't seem to get over it. They had a fight before he left for college but it has seemed to blow over."
"My dad and I haven't talked to him since he left. That's four years without hearing from him. Do you think the fight had blown over now?"
"Not really."
"I came back here because our father needed help and when we came back Jess died. A month I've been here, trying to help but you can see how that's going."
"Why don't you think you're helping?"
"I barely know my brother. I don't know who he is now and how that compares to when he left. I know nothing about him. You're the only one who seems to know what's going on in that goofy looking head of his."
"Come on Dean. You know you're brother."
"No. No I don't." he said. He stared at his pie and took another bite. I loosely held my mug in my hands before pushing it aside.
"Let's say we for go the whole coffee part of an Irish coffee and just stick to the Irish part." I said grabbing the shot glasses sitting at the end of the table.
"Now you're talking a language I understand." he said and poured two shots.
A few hours later, we moved over to the couch to watch the TV. After the contents of the bottle and half of another gone, Dean spoke again. His speech was slurred as was mine but I didn't expect a whole emotional outpouring.
"You know, Sammy doesn't know that we kept tabs on him while he's been gone. Dad tried to hide it but I caught him looking at some Stanford stuff. He didn't know that I had been watching him since he had left. I drove here in a different car, just don't tell the Impala that, and just followed him. I saw him happy, laughing and hanging out with you and Jess and thought that I would never see him again. I thought it would no longer be the Winchester Trio, it would now be the Winchester Duo. Dad going missing was a blessing for me. I would be able to reconnect to him. When we drove back here and I dropped him off, he didn't even look back at me, just grabbed his bags and left. I was floored. I went back to talk to him about it when I smelt the smoke at the door. I grabbed him just in time and saved his life. I don't know why, because he's my brother maybe, but I knew that I couldn't let him die. I thought maybe after dragging his ass out of there he would understand that blood ties do not die. He might've lost Jess, but he didn't lose me. He'll never lose me." he said. He downed another shot and burped the excess. My drunken mind couldn't comprehend all of what he said but I got the general gist of it.
"That--That's deep. Really deep." I said before laughing like I was stoned. Dean couldn't help but laugh too and almost poured the bottle of whiskey all over himself as he pouring us another shot.
"Okay, I shared my little heart out, now it's time to hear from the peanut gallery." he said, pointing to me with the shot in his hand.
"Well, what can I say? I thought I was in love with Sam, keyword being thought. I was jealous when he and Jess first starting dating, and wrecked when he moved out. But after a while, I realized that I wasn't in love with him, I just missed his presence, what he was to me. I wanted someone to be there with me. Someone with a strong heart who was going to tell me that the world was all right and I didn't need to cave in when something bad happened."
"You just wanted to feel like you were something to someone." he said, looking me in the eyes.
"Yeah, I guess."
"I know the feeling." he said, not breaking his eye contact with me. He leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss. He tasted like whiskey and chocolate and even after he drew back, I could still feel his kiss lingering on my lips. I laughed and he broke a smile.
"Are we really that lonely?" I asked.
"I think we are only lonely because we allow ourselves to be. You know, we push people away. But I do know one thing."
"What's that Dean?" He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. He interlaced his fingers in him and looked me in the eye again.
"We're not lonely tonight." he said and gave me another kiss just as passionate as the first. I was beginning to wonder if what Sam had said about Dean not loving anyone was true and I felt the emotions stirring up between us. I broke away and hung my head.
"If Sam walks in on this, I don't know what'll happen." I said. Dean nodded and sat back slightly. He didn't let go of my hand and squeezed it gently.
--Sam--
The morning sun broke gently on the lawn of the apartment building where Ashley and I lived. As I walked up the front sidewalk, I noticed a car out of place. The Impala was parked on the side of the road and by the fog and dew on the windshield, it had been there most of the night. I questioned this, wondering why Dean was here and what he was still doing here. I carefully opened the door to the apartment and found Dean and Ashley asleep on the couch. Ashley had fallen asleep on him and his arms were wrapped around her, holding her tightly. Their clothes were still on, which to me was a good sign, but the empty whiskey bottle sitting on the table and one of the floor was not. Not wanting to cause an embarrassing moment for any of us, I quietly slid outside and rang the doorbell. I heard a crash and a thud as someone fell to the floor. I was betting it was Ashley. She pulled the door open, looking red eyed and bushy haired.
"Sam?"
"Yeah. Sorry, I couldn't find my key. I think I left it in my room." I said as I slid the key into my back pocket.
"Oh uh, come in. Dean stopped by last night to give you some books and I told him he could crash on the couch." she said. She still stood in the doorway, not letting me.
"You gonna let me through?" I asked.
"Oh! Yeah, come on in. Sorry, didn't realize I was blocking the way." she said. I walked in, stopped at the threshold, and leaned in and smelt her breath.
"I think you've been going a little heavy on those Irish coffees there Ash." he said.
"Yeah, I needed something to help me with my paper last night. Dean and I thought it would be a good idea to have some coffee while we waited for you."
"Then why are the bottles completely empty and your coffee still sitting on the table? It looks full."
"We went a little overboard on the Irish part?" she said, putting a coy smile on her face. I heard the toilet flush and Dean walked out from the bathroom. His steps were uneasy and he placed a hand against the wall to brace himself.
"Hey little brother. Been waiting for ya."
"I see that. Why don't I make you guys some breakfast?"
"No!" they both shouted.
"What? Why?"
"I don't think my stomach can handle anything of substance right now." Dean said, leaning his head against the wall.
"Mine either." Ashley said, grabbing both her head and her stomach.
"Okay, I guess it's just some non-Irish coffee for the both of you. Ashley, why don't you go jump in the shower so I can talk to my brother?" I said. She shrugged and stumbled her way to the bathroom. Dean flashed a toothy smile as she passed by him and I grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the kitchen. I threw him down in the chair and he grabbed his head.
"Easy Sammy. The throbbing in my head hasn't exactly stopped yet."
"What went on last night?"
"Nothing. I should be asking what you were doing all night."
"Dean!"
"All right, all right. Just don't yell. We just talked."
"About what?"
"What's with the third degree?"
"I came in here before I rang the bell to find you guys on the couch asleep, TOGETHER, and not to mention all the whiskey we had gone." I yelled. Dean grabbed his head and cringed with every word.
"Okay awkward."
"Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it. Now just tell me what really happened." I said and sat down across from him.
"Like I said, we just talked. We ate some damn good pie, God why didn't you tell me about that pie?"
"Stick to the subject."
"Okay, well, we got a little wasted to break some awkward moments."
"Awkward moments? What she decided not to take your advances so you needed to get her drunk?"
"Sam it wasn't like that."
"Then what was it like!" I yelled.
"Oy with the yelling already! Oh it even hurts when I do it."
"Dean, could we please stop avoiding this. I need to know what happened with you and Ashley. She's all I got left and I don't want to see her get hurt."
"That's my point."
"What's your point?"
"She's not all you have Sam. You've got me if you haven't noticed that. I've been here a month trying to help you through this."
"What you want a damn medal?"
"No just some God damn recognition. I am still your brother whether you want me to be or not. And I don't want to lose you again like when you left."
"You didn't lose me when I left."
"Really Sam? Then why didn't you call. Why didn't you write or send an email or anything. Why didn't you even acknowledge our existence? I know you saw Dad and me when we came here before. You stared me down one day before dragging Jess away. I thought you were gonna come talk to me so we could sort things out. You only seemed to care that I was around because Dad was missing and even then it seemed like a burden. Oh my dad's missing, I better go find him before he does something stupid or gets himself killed. Woe is me."
"Dean it wasn't like that."
"Then what was it like?" I couldn't answer him. I had been avoiding him since I left for school. I honestly thought that part of my life was over. Even worse I wanted it to end.
"Exactly how you said it." he said. Dean stared me down as I looked down at the table in shame. He laughed a little and I was confused at what he found so funny.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Look at us man, we're pathetic. Here I am hung over and we're arguing over something stupid."
"It's not stupid Dean. We just need to try and fix it."
"How are we gonna fix this?" pointing to me then himself.
"We go find dad together. We leave tomorrow and try to find him. I'll put Stanford on hold and leave with you."
"You honestly think leaving with me is going to help change anything?"
"I don't know. But it wouldn't hurt to try."
--Ashley--
I listened from the hallway to their conversation that day. As heartbroken as I was that they were leaving, I knew why they had to leave. I understood, but I hoped that one day they would come back, announce that they found their father and were staying for good. It's been almost two years since I've seen them. After seeing Dean's face plastered all over the news for a botched bank robbery, I knew I would never seem them again.