Dear Diary,
I'm so sick of crying. Katherine was right, even if she was a hallucination. That just means she was my own subconscious, I think. The part of me that is tired of hurting and hurting. The part that can hardly admit the temptation to flip the humanity switch. But I can't do it, Diary.
It would be too easy not to feel. Not to hold myself accountable for the things I've done. And that's just not me.
Stefan and I broke it off today. About 36 minutes ago, actually. And I cried for every single one of those minutes. For Stefan and for me and for all the things we shared. And for all the infinite number of futures with him that I erased today.
Caroline came over to talk about the pageant right after he left, and I couldn't help it, I needed to tell someone. She thinks I'm being impulsive. But I'm not that girl anymore. The one who was steadfastly loyal to him. Who loved him no matter where he went—and he went some dangerous places. Instead, now I swing backward and forward, from elation to depression, sated to starving, hopelessness to confidence, annoyance and frustration to delight, all without control. And they each come ten times stronger than they used to when I was human.
When I'm with Stefan, I feel like… if I don't control it, or can't control it, I'm disappointing him. I'm not the same girl, and I feel his disapproval. I feel the pressure to be her.
With Damon, I have space to feel… whatever I feel. He lets me be whoever it is I am. Maybe I'm a little scared of her, the woman I'm becoming, the vampire I'll be.
…Okay, maybe a lot scared.
But he makes me feel like that's okay. Like maybe having an eternity to get to know and shape my new self might be okay.
He gives me hope.
Elena shuts her diary, and goes to see the other man who always accepts her as she is. She knocks.
"Hey, Jer. Got a sec?"
"Course, 'Lena," he says, and shuts his sketch pad. "Come in."
Caroline knocks out of respect, though she's sure Stefan heard her coming. The door creaks open. Stefan doesn't look up.
"What do you want, Caroline?"
"Elena told me what happened." She pauses there, but he continues emptying his closet into a duffel bag. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Nothing to say. She chose."
"She's not what you'd call level-headed right now, Stefan." Caroline sits at the foot of the bed, trying to catch his gaze. "You may be hundreds of years past your transition, but I remember mine like yesterday. She's overwhelmed with all the heightened sensation, crazy on bloodlust, guilty out of her mind over killing that Hunter—hallucinations or no—and she needs all the support she can get right now. And you're what, just going to leave her when she needs us most?"
He glares. "I'm sure Damon will be more than willing to give her whatever she needs."
"I get it, you're hurting. That doesn't mean you get to give up."
"Get to? This is what she wants."
"Another person she loves dearly leaving her? Somehow I think not."
"She loves Damon, not me." He breaks the zipper on the duffel trying to close it.
"Love is not a switch you can flip 'off' whenever you feel like it."
"Car—"
"No, Stefan. She is only weeks past her transition! Give her a chance to figure things out. God, you were willing to stick through how much drama when she was human, but once she's a vampire, boom, all your patience has left the building?" She stiffens her spine. "Or maybe you really can't love her now that she's changed."
"That's not fair."
"That's exactly what she willthink if you leave."
All the strength melts from his legs, and he sits with a sigh. "How, Care? How do I stay here and watch them together, and not feel like my world ended?"
Her insides warm at the nickname. "You remember that you want her to live. That you would do anything for to be human again. And you remember that you love Damon." She takes his hand. "And you remember that you have other people here who love you, too."
"I can't stay in this house."
"We'll figure something out. Meanwhile, I could use your help?"
"With?"
She smiles. "Come on," she says, and grabs his duffel.
Damon nurses a scotch just past the lunch rush at the Grill. He has Elena on the brain, as usual. He can still feel her hand in his this morning, and the mountain of willpower he had to gather to let it go.
Luckily, Matt interrupts his train of thought. "I found out more about Pastor Young," he announces as he sits, busing duties done for now.
"Do tell?"
"I went with Jeremy and April to the occult lecture the other day. She said she recognized Shane. That he gave a lecture at Whitmore last year that she and her dad went to."
"So, strangers to BFFs in the space of a few months, and all of a sudden the good Pastor is preaching a worse evil on its way and goes all Jim Jones." Damon downs the last of his shot. "Interesting." A friendly chat with the professor will be a welcome distraction for the afternoon.
He drinks Alaric's shot, too.
"Caroline, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"We want to talk about Elena, Klaus," Caroline replies, fighting not to pull her hand away from his semi-unwelcome gesture of gallantry.
"Ah, yes, how is my Doppelganger doing? Well, my soon-to-be-Doppelganger-once-more?" He waves them inside the manse.
"About that," Stefan begins. "We're willing to work with you to get the map to the cure."
"You would help me? As I recall, you were doing just that until you failed to stop Elena from killing Connor. Also, didn't I expressly forbid you from sharing information about our Hunter friend and his use? Which naturally leads me to wonder, why shouldn't I rip you apart where you stand, Ripper, old friend?"
"You need us."
"I very much doubt that."
"You know Jeremy is the Hunter who took Connor's place. He needs to kill vampires in order to develop the mark. We have Jeremy. You have a bunch of half-vampires at your disposal..." Caroline trails off.
"And why should I sacrifice my hybrids—more precious than your entire race—to you two? And you still have to pay out your end of the last bargain, my lovely Caroline...But my creations are my family, after all. Of sorts." Klaus smiles menacingly.
"Your slaves, you mean," Caroline spits.
"Yes, well."
"If we succeed, and Elena is cured, you'd theoretically be able to create as many hybrids as you wanted." Not that he would ever let that happen, Stefan thinks to himself. But they have few options, and Caroline was right to try Klaus first.
"True." Klaus pretends to contemplate the partnership. "No, I rather think not. I'd rather seek out each human you care about, one by one, and torture them until you surrender Jeremy to me. I'll give you two days to produce him, and then I'll start with that witch of yours."
"What were you drawing?" Elena asks.
"Oh, nothing important," Jeremy reassures her. "What's up?"
"Are you really okay after what happened?"
"I'm really okay, Elena. I know you weren't yourself. Those hallucinations must have been pretty bad, huh?" He's genuinely curious, and she feels relief that he seems to have forgiven her.
"It was like an awful, never-ending nightmare. First, I saw Connor all the time, but how he would look right now. Covered in dried blood, rotting, pale-skinned. And the things he said…"
Jeremy takes her hand.
"He was trying to get me to commit suicide. When I wouldn't listen, it was Katherine instead. Telling me I'm a monster, just like her, that no one would love me."
She slows and catches her breath.
"But then it wasn't so bad."
"Why?"
"I saw Mom."
"Was she… how was she?"
"She was perfect. You remember that spring Aunt Jenna visited right after graduating, and she insisted on a picnic in the park for a party, even though it was barely 60 degrees out?"
"And we all got food poisoning because she brought blue cheese that was just cheese that had gone blue."
"And Mom wore that pretty white shirt that Dad got sick on."
"But she still insisted the day was perfect somehow."
"That's how she was. Beautiful and smiling, and I was so happy to see her. And the things she said… they made sense, Jer. I was supposed to die on that bridge. Twice. But I'm still here. What am I doing?"
"The rules don't apply to us, didn't you know?" He smiles. "I was supposed to die lots of times. How many deaths am I up to now? Five? Six? And I'm still kicking. Don't ask too many questions, Elena."
She laughs and squeezes his hand. "I'm really glad you're still alive. Or is it alive again?"
"Whichever. I'm really glad you're alive, too."
She thanks him without words, and lets him get back to drawing.
He reopens his sketch book, and his smile fades. He resumes shading in details from his latest nightmare.
"Doctor Atticus Shane."
"That's m—oh, Mr. Salvatore, nice to see you again. Pardon the mess." He reaches out a hand to shake hello, smiling.
Damon takes his hand and a quick inventory of the office, which is still in disarray from the exhibit preparations. "Not at all."
"What brings you here? Research?" He gestures to a seat.
"Good guess."
"Anything I can help with, I'm happy to. Always nice to work with another occult scholar, especially one who's a real believer."
"Mm. I was thinking maybe we could compare notes sometime. I've come across a few witches in the course of my…research, and thought maybe you could shed some light." Shane nodded, and Damon made casual eye contact. Then he pushed. "I think you should tell me everything you know, and why you're here, and what your interest is in Bonnie," he finishes calmly.
"Uh, that would take years, to teach Occult Studies in a non-tenure-track position, and because she's a brilliant witch," Shane answers, uncompelled and guarded.
"Damn."
"Damon, it's all right. Bonnie told me what you are, and where to find vervain locally. Not that I don't trust you, but…I don't trust you."
"The feeling is mutual."
"That's okay," he laughed. "I'm sure we'll both come around."
Damon's eyes narrow. "Can't wait," he replies, and makes his excuses. Bonnie would certainly have plenty to explain about her new confidant.
His phone vibrates. "Speak of the devil…"
Meeting at Elena's. Now.
Goodie, he taps.
Caroline and Stefan are parking as Damon arrives. She waves and rushes inside, leaving the brothers on the lawn. Stefan seems more reserved than usual.
"Everything all right, little brother?"
Bonnie's waving them inside from the porch, but Caroline pulls her away with a whispered, "Give them a minute."
Damon's eyebrows knit together. "What happened, Stefan?"
"Before you go in, you should know something. Elena and I broke up this morning." The anger coils off him, and Damon takes a half step back.
"Oh." He has no idea what he's supposed to say, and no idea how he feels about the news. But he does suddenly remember her hand in his again, and feels like something inside him has just upended itself and slid very quietly back into place upside down. Or right side up, he can't tell yet. "Are-" He swallows. "Are you okay? No, that's. That's a dumb question. I'm sorry."
"Stop, Damon. Let's not pretend this isn't the happiest moment of your life."
"I'm glad you have my feelings all worked out for me, Stefan. Yes, I get endless joy from seeing my only brother miserable."
"Typical," Stefan chuckles mirthlessly at Damon's sarcasm, and turns to go inside.
"No! You don't get to just dump this on me and walk away." Damon grabs Stefan's arm, and fails to duck as the other swings and connects with his cheekbone. Any worry Damon has that Stefan flipped his humanity switch evaporates. He's relieved.
Stefan knows it's not Damon he's mad at. If anything, he should be thanking him for being there for Elena, but that's not how it feels in this moment. And that's not how the Salvatore brothers relate.
Damon rubs his cheek and waits 30 seconds before following Stefan inside.
"Hey, it's the whole Scooby gang together again," Damon quips as he finds a comfortable spot to lean in the kitchen.
"Damon, good, you're here," Elena sighs.
He tries his best not to look her in the eye. And fails.
Caroline starts. "We're here because Stefan and I went to see Klaus. We thought since he was willing to sacrifice one hybrid, he might be willing to do it again to help Jeremy's mark develop."
"Let me guess, he said no," Damon snarks.
"Damon, please."
Stefan continues the story. "He said no. And then he gave us a two-day deadline to deliver Jeremy."
"What? No. Not going to happen," Elena protests. "Klaus goes nowhere near Jeremy."
"He won't hurt him. Think about it, Elena. He needs him for the mark, right? To find the cure, Klaus will have to keep Jeremy safe," Caroline reasons.
"And it's not like we have a lot of options at this point," Jeremy says. He's not happy about it, but no one in this room has ever gotten what they wanted, especially since Klaus has been around. "Hey, Elena, must be a nice change of pace not to be the one Klaus is after for once."
"That's not funny, Jer."
"I thought it was funny," Damon mumbles. Stefan shoots him a murderous look. He'll take it—hate is better than apathy.
"What happens if we say no?"
"He threatened Bonnie."
"I'm not scared of Klaus."
"You should be, Sabrina. Especially with your mojo fritzing, you'd be defenseless."
"I'm working on it. I'll be back to normal soon, thanks to Shane."
"Yeah, let's talk about Shane for a minute, Bonnie. You just go around spilling supernatural secrets to anyone now? Hand out vervain like candy? How does that keep any of us safe?"
"He's not anyone, Damon. And what secrets? I haven't told him anything."
"He sure has a lot of inf—"
"Enough!" Caroline shouts. "This is about Jeremy, not whatever is going on with you two. Or you two,"—she points to Stefan and Damon—"or anyone else. To find Elena's cure, Jeremy needs that mark. That's what we all want here, right?"
No one argues.
"Good."
Stefan decides. "I'll go with them. Klaus will agree to that."
"No, Stefan, you don't have—"
"I know, Elena. But this way we can be sure Jeremy is safe. Klaus and I can track vampires faster together, and bring him home to you sooner." He assumes that Klaus means to track, rather than create new vampires. Either way, it's better than being here at the moment.
"When, Jeremy? I'm already packed."
Elena and Damon both swivel.
Elena speaks first, but Stefan looks resolutely elsewhere. "Packed? You were just going to leave?" She laughs to keep the tears from falling in front of everyone, but Damon sees them.
Caroline walks Stefan out, their conversation whispers and glares. Jeremy and Bonnie stand on the porch in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Bonnie breaks it.
"Strange."
"Hm?"
"I feel like you and I are the last men standing. With Elena turned, I mean. She was the last. Just you and me, Jeremy. The only humans left."
He spreads his fingers, staring at the ink in his skin only he can see.
"Are we, Bonnie? Are we human?"
"More or less," she sighs.
He nods and climbs the stairs to pack a bag.
In the kitchen, it's only Damon and Elena left. Their silence is decidedly uncomfortable, broken only by his occasional swig from his hip flask.
Elena reaches for it, and stands two centimeters too close to him. She drinks, wipes her mouth, and swallows hard.
"I heard your conversation outside with Stefan."
He lifts his eyes to hers, and she feels them boring into her, powerful and unrelenting. She searches them for some clue about where he is, and gets nothing. She speaks in halting rough drafts of sentences, because that's all she's capable of after this day.
"I didn't mean to hurt him.
"Or you. I mean.
"I didn't intend to hurt anyone.
"But that's what I do, right?
"I try to keep everyone safe, and I'm just bad at it. They all get hurt.
"Everyone at that table tonight. Matt. April. My parents. Jenna. Alaric. God, Alaric.
"Why can't we ever be happy, Damon? Any of us?
"Just for a moment, to be safe, and happy, and loved? Is it too much to ask?"
Her tears come then, and Damon's heart breaks for the third time today. Both of his hands come up to wipe her tear tracks dry before new streams fall.
"No."
And he presses his forehead to hers and closes his eyes.
"But for now, at least we have hope."