Authors Note: This is a fic I originally wrote almost two years ago after the release of the GoF movie…(guess I was in an angsty!Neville mood afterwards, heh…if ya'll haven't noticed by now I'm such a whore for angsty!Neville!) and I kind of forgot about it for awhile and would just randomly come back to it and add up more chapters but I just recently came across this for like the hundredth time a few days ago after receiving some more reviews and I read through it and was unsatisfied with the way this fic had come along. I just felt that it wasn't long enough and that it could be better…so I revised it! I cut stuff out, added stuff in, you know the whole shebang and just ultimately made it a million times better. :) So now it is a little longer and there is more dialogue and character development going on, which I felt was absolutely necessary. Anyways, if any of you choose to re-read the fic from the beginning again I hope you like the changes I have made and I hope they have improved my fic for the better!

On a heavier note, this fic will be very dark and contain some serious subject matter and it may be triggering to some so please read at your own risk!

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Swallow the Knife

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

So our open wounds will bleed until our veins run dry.
Now we have to take this thorn and tear it from our side.
Agitated at the fault line still agree to disagree.
You're connected to the heart but tonight will set you free.

So swallow the knife.
Carve the way for your pride.
Now our hands are tied.
The problems lie within.
So we pray for night to start over again.

Even now as I write this down.
Our pretensions disappear.
Now our impulses will bite.
At the ankles of our fear.

So swallow the knife.
Carve the way for your pride.
Now our hands are tied.
The problems lie within.
So we pray for night to start over again.

Now our hands are tied.
The problems lie within.
So we pray for night to start over again.
(Words are spoken words are broken down.)

-'Swallow the Knife' by Story of the Year

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Chapter 1: The Long Walk Back

Harry lightly knocked Hermione's knee with his own under the table as she rolled her eyes at Ron and Lavender's ridiculous, baby talk.

Agitated, Hermione turned to face Harry and he gave her a look as if to say, 'Don't start anything…'

A few moments passed and Ron finally tore his eyes away from Lavender and for almost the first time that evening, redirected his attention to Hermione.

"Hermione, what's the matter? You're being awfully quiet."

"Oh, I'm just thinking of things I need to do before classes resume tomorrow…" she replied.

"Won-Won, do you think you could get me some more tea? Oh, and maybe a few more of those chocolate covered strawberries?"

Hermione rolled her eyes again; she couldn't help it. Lavender always managed to find a way to bring any attention back onto her. Everything was always about her.

"You got it, Lav."

Hermione watched in a silent vehemence of disgust as Lavender's face lit up. Her green eyes were sparkling and fixed on Ron. Her mouth was wide open in a rather silly looking grin. All of her perfectly, white teeth were visible. Hermione wanted to knock them all out of her pretty little mouth.

Ron stood up and Lavender began to gather all of their dishes but when she reached for Hermione's plate, Hermione gently pulled it towards her and forced a smile.

"Oh, I'm not quite finished yet…"

"Alright then…" Lavender replied, seeming to be somewhat offended.

Lavender gathered the rest of the dishes and handed them to Ron.

"Thanks, Won-Won…oh, and could you also get another cinnamon bun...we can take it back to Hogwarts with us and eat it later while we're…well, we can just enjoy it later…" Lavender finished, beaming up at Ron.

"Alright, I'll be right back. Anyone else need anything?"

"Oh, no. I'm fine thanks," replied Harry.

"Hermione?" Ron asked, "need anything?"

'Yeah, I need for you to keep stuffing your and Lavender's faces with more food so I don't have to listen to anymore of your mindless, baby babbling!'

"No thank you, Ronald…"

Ron stood for a moment longer, giving Hermione a look as if to say, 'Suit yourself…' or 'Hey, at least I offered…'

After he left, Lavender let out a dreamy sigh and flipped her blonde hair back over her shoulder.

"Lovely time of year isn't it…?" she said to no one in particular.

"Uh, yeah…sure is," answered Harry.

"So, have you two been enjoying the break?" Lavender asked.

"No, I've had detention with Snape…this is the first taste of freedom I've had in a whole week…" Harry answered miserably.

"Oh…" began Lavender. "What about you Hermione?"

"Hmmm?" replied Hermione pretending as if she hadn't been paying any attention; which the truth of the matter was that she had heard Lavender loud and clear but quite frankly was more interested in counting to see how many people were in Honeydukes. After all, it was a small shop and it was a bit more crowded than usual, almost all of the tables were occupied.

Lavender frowned slightly, cleared her throat and then repeated herself.

"Have you enjoyed the break?"

"Oh, of course…why wouldn't I enjoy the break? I mean, just because I don't have anyone to snog senseless and happen to care about my studies doesn't mean that I can't enjoy a nice break once in awhile and make time for proper use of it. I have had a fantastic break and am saddened to see it end. Thank you for asking."

Lavender's frown slowly settled into something more of a blank stare and she quickly looked away, her cheeks flushing pink.

Harry stared at Hermione with his mouth slightly hanging open.

Just then, Ron returned to the table.

"Lav-Lav, Here is your tea. They were out of the cinnamon buns, those damn things sure go fast! So instead I grabbed a piece of this carrot cake…oh, and here are your chocolate covered strawberries…"

Just as Ron sat down, Lavender stood up.

"Thank you Won-Won. Listen, I'm just uh- going to go to the loo really quick and then I need to find Parvati and remind her of something…but I'll be right back."

She leaned down and gave him a peck on the mouth and then scampered off without another word.

Ron skeptically turned to face his two best friends who both shrugged in return.

"Well, she has been drinking a lot of that tea…" Hermione suggested.

But Hermione knew very well that Lavender had not excused herself to go to the loo. How did she know this? Because she watched and silently rejoiced as she saw Lavender slip out through the backdoor exit, tugging along a cross looking Parvati behind her.

"Well, she better hurry," began Ron, sounding annoyed, "because I don't know how long I can sit here just staring at this food without eating any of it!"

"Then just eat it Ron…" replied Hermione. "After all, you payed for it…"

"How do you know I did?"

Hermione scoffed and took a sip of her butterbeer.

"C'mon, Ron…she's got you completely wrapped around her little finger…you buy everything for her and anything she wants, she gets. If she came back and asked you to run outside naked and make snow angels you'd do it!"

Harry began choking on his butterbeer and tried to hide his amusement.

The redhead blushed.

"Oh, you think that's funny do you?" Ron replied, turning to his raven-haired friend. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

Ron paused and then turned to confront Hermione.

"And I would not! I've got too much dignity for something like that…"

The trio sat in silence for the next few minutes, but it wasn't one of those awkward silences where everyone was uncomfortable and wanted to say something but refrained from doing so because they were waiting and hoping that someone else would.

The trio had a certain bond to where they could sit in silence and be content.

Eventually, Harry and Ron began to talk about quidditch and Hermione soon found herself to be very bored. She began counting the heads of everyone in Honeydukes and came up with twenty-nine.

Finally, Ron spoke to her.

"What's the matter with you anyways?" he began, watching his bushy haired friend closely. "You've been acting weird ever since we got here and you have barely said anything all night…well, you've said less than you normally do anyways…"

'Oh, I've said a few things alright…too bad you weren't here to hear them firsthand…'

A ghost of a smile played at her lips as she thought back earlier to her response when Lavender asked if she was enjoying the break. Which, now that she thought about it, what she said to Lavender had seemed pretty rude and a teensy sliver of guilt began to set in. Since after all, it had been on account of what she said that had driven Lavender off but at the same time Hermione felt relieved that she was gone.

Hermione let her smile falter and instead let out a simple sigh.

"It's nothing Ron, I'm just tired."

"Well, you damn well should be! Staying up half the night just to finish that Transfiguration essay…and it's not even due for another week…and we've been on break!"

"I just wanted to get it out of the way," replied Hermione with a shrill yawn.

"Well, do you want to head back to Hogwarts and rest for a bit? We wouldn't mind- I mean not that we don't want you here or anything but if you're tired then you should rest," added Harry.

"Yeah, I think I might do that. I'm suddenly not feeling too well. Right, well I'll see you guys later then," replied Hermione, as she got up and began gathering her things.

"What's wrong?" Ron suddenly questioned, placing his mug down, eyeing Hermione with concern.

"Oh, well, I've just got a bit of a errr- well it's just a slight headache…probably from all that studying I did last night. I think if I just lay down I'll be okay…"

"Do you want one of us to walk you back to the dorms?" asked Harry.

"Oh no, I'll be fine. You guys just have fun and enjoy the last of the break…"

"You sure?" Harry asked again.

"Positive. I'll be just fine."

"Yeah, we shouldn't be here too long. So we'll come and check on you in a bit," replied Ron after a long swig of butterbeer.

"Right then, see you in a bit."

Hermione made her way out of Honeydukes and began walking back towards Hogwarts.

Hermione hadn't completely lied to Harry and Ron. She really was tired. She had made up the part involving the headache and she didn't even really know why she had made that up. It just kind of happened.

As much as she enjoyed Harry and Ron's company she just found that she didn't want to be there with them anymore; at least not with Lav-Lav hovering around, sitting there with her high-pitched giggling and constant love-struck glances at Ron.

Hermione felt drained- physically, emotionally and intelligently; and she had only been in the presence of Lavender Brown for a little over an hour and that was simply all she was able to stand.

Hermione moved slowly taking in the scenery as she walked.

It was the middle of October and everything was covered in a light frost. Hermione shivered and hugged her coat tighter around her body, zipping it up as far as it would go.

Hermione listened to the sounds of her haggard breathing and the soft crunch of the ground beneath her feet. She let out a low sigh and watched as her breath escaped from her lips in small, narrow puffs.

The cold air sliced away at the exposed skin on her face, causing her to feel nothing but a numb and stinging sensation burning throughout her entire body.

Hermione's thoughts quickly returned to Ron. As if things weren't confusing enough already between her and Ron! She let out another low sigh and continued walking.

'What's so great about Lavender?' Hermione thought to herself bitterly.

'Sure she's good looking but she's as dumb as a sack of dung and Ron's just so shallow that he doesn't care about that…Ha! They're a perfect match!'

Finally when Hogwarts came within close view Hermione picked up her pace and began walking faster, shoving her hands deeper into her pockets.

When she finally reached Hogwarts grounds she broke out into a slow jog for the rest of the way.

Hermione exhaled slowly, relieved to feel the instant warmth of Hogwarts welcome her. She pulled off her cap and gloves and slowly unzipped her coat and made her way to the Gryffindor House.

"Password?" the fat lady called out bleakly. She was filing her nails and appeared rigidly bored.

"Flickerstick."

The portrait flung itself open and Hermione entered into the Gryffindor common room. She was about to make her way up to the girls' dormitories until she heard someone cough quietly.

'I thought everyone was at Hogsmeade…' Hermione thought to herself.

Whoever it was, obviously hadn't yet detected that they were no longer alone because their head was turned the opposite direction and was unmoving.

Hermione gently set her cap, gloves and coat aside and tiptoed over towards whoever was sitting in front of the fireplace. She didn't want to startle whoever it was, just in case they had fallen asleep but she was curious as to see who it was. So Hermione crept over to the armchair and stood behind it, she slowly peered over it and let out a stifled gasp.

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Authors Note: Liked it? Loved it? Hated it? Review and let me know :)