"'Nara," Kaylee sighed leaning back against the wall, "Mal is getting' bad."
At the mention of the captain's name Inara's eyes got wide. "I have never heard you call him Mal."
Kaylee rolled her eyes.
Inara cocked her head to the side sensing the mechanic's anger and annoyance, "What is the matter mei-mei?"
"Simon 'as bein' stupid. Askin' the capt'n if he could marry me, and Capt'n flipped. Told us we could leave if we wanted to get married. Said he wouldn't tolerate no marriages on his boat. Pissed Zoe of something bad."
Inara was horror stricken.
"He's been sad since you left, but … I've never seen him so angry."
The companion covered her mouth. Hurt played across her eyes. "Mei-mei I am so sorry. Simon didn't ask you to leave Serenity did he?"
Kaylee shook her head frantically, "Oh no! He said he wouldn't ask me to leave her, even when I told him I would. Mal said River would go too, and Simon said they were still fugitives and we couldn't have a life on a world." Kaylee ended with a sniffle curling up to hold her knees to her chest.
Inara looked to the side, down, then up and sighed. "I, um, told- he proposed- before I left?"
Kaylee nodded. They had talked about it once before, when Kaylee had asked too many questions and Inara shut down. So this time, the younger woman stayed quiet hoping to not upset her friend, who looked like she was having a hard time.
"I didn't think it would keep you from getting your happy ending"
Kaylee shrugged.
I could talk to him for you-" Inara started to offer but was cut off.
"NO! NO!" Kaylee lurched forward, "Me and Simon have been fighting over that. Capt'n won't look at him in the face and Simon thinks if we make him angrier, he will kick off Simon and River. And Simon says he just wants to be with me"
Inara looked away, "Is it getting that bad?"
The young mechanic nodded.
"Let me look into housing here, and maybe if you want to leave, maybe you three could live here"
Kaylee gave a sad smile. She was not very hopeful about being able to live safely on a very Alliance friendly planet. Despite how much she hated it, Simon was right. "'Nara?" Kaylee asked gently, "I don't wanna to make you upset, but why did you say no? Everyone knows you love him."
Inara sighed, looking away. She stayed quiet for a long time, blinking rapidly.
"It's 'kay," Kaylee rushed, to keep her friend from crying.
"No," Inara said, dabbing her eyes and inhaling deeply, "I- I am sick."
Kaylee cocked her head to the side. Sorting out that the companion didn't look sick, but staving off the idea that what else the statement could mean, losing the battle in her head. "No, you don't mean..."
Inara started to cry and stuttered, "The core doctors think that they can save me, but that means I have to stay here." She paused, trying to control herself. "And Mal, he would never stay. He couldn't handle me. He couldn't be the support I need, or want him to be." Inara played out her fantasy of him trying to be there for her, getting fed up and leaving and it broke her heart every time.
"'Nara," Kaylee chastised.
"No, you don't know what it is like to be poked and prodded on cold tables longing for him to be there and hold my hand. For him to tell me it would be ok. That I will be ok. I am truly sorry I have made him into a monster, for his sake, and especially you and Simon. I never meant for that to happen. I wish I could change it and take it back, but I can't. But you have no idea how much it hurts to know the one you love the most can't be what you need, or want them to be the most." Inara choked on a sob and frantically trying to dry her face.
Kaylee sat crying, trying to dry her face as well. "'Nara I am so sorry. I-I.. Can I do anything?"
"Oh, mei-mei, I didn't mean to make you cry."
Kaylee took out Simon's handkerchief and dried her face, "I wanna to be there to help!"
Inara smiled sadly, "Do you think I could wave you more often? That would help."
Kaylee smiled widely and nodded frantically, "Oh yes!"
Inara chuckled, "Thank you Kaylee."
"Did you tell the capt'n you were sick?"
The older woman shook her head, "No, and please don't!"
The younger woman made a face and nodded begrudgingly. "Could I tell Simon? If he promised not to tell anyone? I'd hate to have to keep it from him."
"You can tell Simon."
"Thanks, 'Nara." Kaylee smiled. "I gotta go check on Serenity real quick."
"And I should get back to work. It was good talking to you. Bao zhong."
"You too." Kaylee said ending the wave.
Mal sat in the copilot seat staring at the wave screen processing what he had just seen. Should he have eased dropped? Of course not. Did he feel like the biggest ho tze duh pi gu ever for hurting the best mechanic flying? And realizing just how bad he hurt her? Absolutely. Was he crying after he realized that the woman he loved as much as his boat, as much as his freedom, even the one that broke his heart nearly a year ago, was fighting for her life, without him, knowing that he couldn't be what she wanted and needed; harder than he could ever remember crying in his life.
He hoped that no one would walk onto the bridge, but he couldn't make himself stop crying. Partly it baffled him, he never cried. Why was he crying now? More importantly, why couldn't he stop? But inside, he felt the ice flake off his stony frozen heart, and felt morosely overwhelmed that the woman he loved was dying and that there was nothing he could do to stop it, or even make it better.
Soft feet pattering approached and climbed up the stairs to the bridge. "Capt'n Mal" Eliza asked seeing the grown man crying.
"Oh- Liza"
The small girl ran and tackled him in a hug "Don't cry"
Mal picked her up and sat her in his lap, never breaking the hug.
"Is Serenity ok?"
"Yes, yes, Serenity is fine."
"Wanna play "This Land"?" Eliza asked excitedly "It cheers up mommy when she is sad."
Mal chuckled, "Sure do you want to be the baddie, or the goodie?"
The young girl erupted into a toothy grin, "I can be the baddie!"
"Liza! Time for bed!" Zoe called from the hall.
The young girl ducked under the pilot's console. Zoe come onto the bridge and gave Mal a cold look, "Wasn't Liza in here?"
Mal pointed under the pilot's console, and Zoe bent down to see her freckle faced, little red headed child holding onto a very familiar T-rex.
"Time for bed little one."
"Aw, momma!" Eliza pleaded.
"Come on, you know it is story time."
At this Eliza got to her feet excitedly. She went to leave the bridge but realize the toy was still in her hand and looked torn.
"You can take it with you." Zoe smiled.
Eliza beamed and ran to their room. Zoe turned to follow her and Mal stopped her.
"Could you come see me when you get her squared away?"
Zoe gave a grunt as she walked off the bridge.
Zoe walked back onto the bridge an hour later.
"Zoe, could I talk to you?" Mal asked.
She gave him a chilled look, "About?"
"Wash,"
She glared.
"I- am sorry for earlier. I- I just…"
Zoe withdrew a little hostility when she heard her boss stutter. He only did that when he was nervous. "Fine, what about him?"
"Why did you marry him?"
She flinched at the hard lined question and Mal flinched as well. He didn't mean for it to sound so harsh.
"Honest, I – I am curious. I was against it."
Zoe steeled herself a little, squaring her shoulders. "Well first, honest, it wasn't your say. Very much like Simon and Kaylee." She nearly spat her friends' names at him.
Mal swallowed hard, waiting for more.
"Second, after the war, and joining you to come out to the black, he brought joy to my life. He was so silly and made me smile when I never thought I could. He gave me so much joy." She nearly whispered the last sentence.
Mal nodded. In hindsight he had seen this, despite being against the relationship at first, losing by and large his stone cold solider. He saw how Wash had made Zoe happy.
"But also," Zoe dropped her smile that had emerged. "He was strong for me, at times I couldn't be. One night I woke up from a nightmare of the war, tears rolling down my face. He took me in his arms and told me it would be ok. He let me cry and told me that I would make it through the aftermath because I was the strong one, and he was the funny one." Zoe brushed a tear away with a snort. "My life was- is better, because he was in it."
Mal sat with mouth agape as he watched his two friends' relationship play across her face.
"That is why." Zoe said sternly, snapping to the present and then she left the bridge.
Mal was sitting in the copilot seat a few days later, overseeing Serenity while River was off and about when he heard, "Oh Mal." Inara said surprised. She had called to talk to him, but she thought she would have a moment more to prepare herself if River had answered the wave. "Good- um, I wanted to talk to you." She stuttered, her nervousness growing.
Mal opened his mouth, and then shut it with a nod, "Oh?" He wanted to confront her of her illness but did not know how.
Inara nodded "Don't tell her I am doing this, or she would be furious," She paused, "Let Kaylee and Simon get married!" She demanded.
Mal again opened his mouth and closed it. Her demand had more than slightly through him off guard.
"Why would you- keep them from being a family together?" Inara slipped when she felt a pang of knowing the answer, before she fully got the question out.
"I-" Mal started and was cut off.
"I am sorry for hurting you, but that should not excuse your behavior!" She fumed.
There! That was his opening, "Why didn't you tell me?!" Mal demanded, near a snarl.
Inara was physically taken back, "W-what?" She tried to smooth out her dress as distraction, "I- I said."
"That you 'couldn't do it anymore'?" This question was nothing but a snarl, "Do what? Lie to me?"
"Mal- I," Inara panicked losing control over the conversation.
"You NEVER told me you were sick!" Mal spat.
Inara's face drained of color. How? How did he know that? Did Kaylee tell? No. She wouldn't.
"Why?" Mal demanded.
Inara came out of her thoughts trying to reel her mind back, "W-what?"
"How dare you!" Mal's fury subsided leaving only hurt and betrayal.
She felt a little indignant and flared up, "Dare I?"
Mal winced, "I- how could- why wouldn't you tell me?"
"What were you going to do? Come stay in the Core with me?" Inara scoffed.
"I cou-"
"Don't!" The companion hissed, "Don't you even finish that lie!"
"I could have tried!" The captain fought, "You didn't even-"
"What were you going to do?!"
"You took away my choices! I am a grown man and you made up my mind! You didn't even give me a choice!"
"What would have done? Leave Serenity? You love that-"
"I loved you, Inara! Hell I still do." Mal pleaded.
"I couldn't ask you to leave her…" Inara's vibrato faded. She wiped the stay tear, rolling down her cheek, away. She straightened herself and barred her teeth, "What kind of monster would that have made me?"
"A person!" His voice strained at his immediate response, "A PERSON! Who is- scared" His voice broke and he clinched a fist in his lap, "Who is scared, and wanted a hand to hold." He hastily rubbed the tears forming in his eyes, away.
Inara swallowed hard, "You heard me tell her."
Mal nodded, "Did you think this was better? Being alone?"
Inara shifted uncomfortably, "I-"
"You what?"
"I didn't want you to break my heart?" Inara said weakly.
"How 'Nara? How was I gonna break your heart?!"
Inara was crying past the point of being able to respond.
"What do you think I'd tell you? To get out? That I didn't care? I asked you to gorram MARRY ME!"
"I-" Inara cleared the tears off her face and forced a in a breath. "Didn't want you to watch me die!"
Mal hit the copilot's console, "You had no right to choose!"
Inara nodded and sniffled, "I- I am sorry."
"I get that I am not a good man, 'Nara, but you make me want to be good enough for you. You didn't have to be alone."
Inara smeared the tears across her face for the countless time. "What?" She sighed trying to hold it together long enough to speak. "What do you want from me?"
"No, 'Nara, what do you want? Do you want to be alone? I know you are a hell of a woman and will be fine, but is- that- what- you- want?"
She just shook her head.
Mal leaned forward resting his mouth on his hands, letting her have enough time for her to respond.
"I- I- can't," Her body stiffened. She wanted to ask him to be with her, but she couldn't bring herself to utter those words. "What do you want from me?"
Mal knew his answer immediately but he paused, took a breath, and sat up straight. "I- just- want- you."
Inara gasped and her tense body collapsed into a fit of sobs.
"Could- can I come see you? How- are... you doing with treatment?" Mal tripped uncertain how to start the conversation.
She held out her hand to pause him, as she tried to stop crying. "Would you- do that?"
Mal nodded, not letting his sarcasm come out of his mouth.
"Treatment is hard, but the doctors are happy. I just get very sick for the week after."
"We could be there in a fortnight. Are you scheduled to have anything soon?"
Inara nodded, "But- it's not... pretty. You don't have-"
"Stop!" Mal smacked the console. Not as hard as the last time, but just enough to get her attention, and back up the sincerity in his voice. "I can't fix you. I will probably be a ruttin' care taker, but I want you, and I want to try. If it doesn't work then you can tell me to take off. Just let me try, please."
She nodded drying her eyes.
Mal gave a gentle smile, "Thank you."
Inara laughed, "I need some tea after crying this much."
"Then, I will let you go do that."
Inara gave a soft smile, "So I will see you in two weeks?"
Mal nodded, "Could I wave you- sooner?"
She smiled wider, "I would like that"
"Good, have a good night."
"You too."