The TV just did a story on the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. And let's face it, this would happen to the gang. But with an Archer twist!
The Deadly Velvet Murders Special
"Why did you keep us all at work just to watch a dumb TV show?" Cheryl asked in a bored tone as she sat on a chair in the bullpen at the Figgis Agency. The other members of the agency were there as well.
"It's not a dumb TV show!" Mallory admonished her. "Well technically yes, I suppose you can categorize it as dumb. But there is a good reason we have to watch the dumb thing!"
"Which is?" Cheryl asked.
"It's about Veronica Deane and Archer duh!" Pam said as she came in with popcorn.
"Popcorn Pam?" Lana sighed.
"What? We can't have snacks?" Pam asked.
"You mean more snacks?" Ray remarked. On another table was a whole variety of snack goods.
"I can't believe they are making a television special about that has been and my son!" Mallory growled.
"Well Mallory," Lana sighed. "When a major Hollywood star murders a couple of people as well as getting involved in an insurance scam scheme it does tend to make the news."
"I guess we should count ourselves lucky that the police agreed to cover up the more…" Mallory frowned. "Unusual aspects of the case."
"You mean the robots?" Pam snorted. "Yeah even the cops don't want to admit something as weird as that."
"Again, technically they weren't robots," Krieger began.
"Again, we don't care!" Lana barked.
"Still upset about whole Robot Archer proposing to you thing and blowing up huh?" Cheryl asked.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Lana snapped.
"Lana keep it down or you'll wake AJ," Cyril warned.
"AJ's out like a light in her playpen in my office," Lana waved. "And the way things are going she might have to stay there more often."
"How much do you think they're going to say about us?" Ray asked.
"Well Ramona, that's what we're going to find out!" Mallory snapped.
"You don't think they'll say anything about the spy agency, do you?" Cyril asked. "As well as you know? The treason thing? The cocaine cartel?"
"Don't forget the murders," Cheryl added. "Our weird connections with the KGB…"
"Again, that's why we're all watching this!" Mallory snapped. "To see how much damage there is."
"Well there can't be too much right?" Lana asked. "I mean everything we did is classified, isn't it?"
"Not as much as you'd think," Mallory sighed.
"WHAT?" Cyril and Lana shouted at the same time.
"Oh sweet Jesus," Ray groaned.
"Look I made some calls earlier," Mallory told them. "I'm pretty sure our asses are covered. In some cases, that's no less than a miracle." She glared at Pam.
"So there's a chance they won't say anything about the spy agency and everything else?" Lana asked.
"Pretty sure," Mallory sighed. "A lot of our files are a lot of black ink covering up a lot of paragraphs."
"Hooray for cover ups," Cyril sighed.
"With any luck they'll just focus on Ellis Crane and relegate Sterling as a private dick who got his penis in over his head," Mallory shrugged as she poured herself some scotch and took a drink. "If you think about it, focusing on Ellis Crane would make more sense from a news point of view."
"Yeah, I mean," Cyril realized. "Not only was Crane murdered by Veronica Deane he was married to her once. And partially involved in the insurance scam. There's a lot of history and scandal there."
"Award winning director slash actor does beat a private dick," Pam added. "That accidentally starred in a few pornos."
"Oh thank you Pam!" Mallory snarled. "For reminding me of that!"
"Look I don't think we have that much to worry about," Ray spoke up. "As long as nobody says anything. I know I didn't say anything. You and Lana didn't say anything. And I know Cyril and Krieger didn't say anything."
"Which leaves…" Cyril began. Everyone looked at Cheryl and Pam.
"WHAT?" Pam snapped.
"No offense Pam," Cyril sighed. "But you are kind of…"
"A big fat blabbermouth," Ray finished.
"He said it," Mallory nodded.
"And God only knows what Cheryl will say," Cyril pointed.
"Yeah, I never do," Cheryl shrugged.
"I didn't say anything this time," Pam said. "Honest! Swearsies Realsies!"
"Listen," Lana sighed. "I think it would be naïve of us to not expect Archer's name to be mentioned. Or this agency. But maybe the news will mostly focus on Veronica Deane and Ellis Crane?"
"People do love a scandalous romance gone bad and turned to murder," Pam nodded.
"So there is a good chance we might not be considered important or interesting enough to mention," Lana said.
"What do you mean not important or interesting enough?" Mallory barked.
"Mallory!" Lana gave her a look.
"Oh right," Mallory realized. "The whole spy agency slash drug cartel treason thing. We do need to keep that on the down low."
"You think?" Ray snapped.
"Hey it's starting!" Pam pointed to the large monitor on the wall. A news program was starting with two anchorpeople. A familiar red haired woman and an attractive man.
"I'm Grace Ryan," The red-haired woman said.
"And I'm Harper Ellis," The attractive man said.
"Tonight, we will be taking an in depth look at the Deadly Velvet Murders," Grace said to the audience.
"Grace technically it was only one murder," Harper corrected. "The other guy she shot is in a coma. He's not dead."
"Well The Deadly Velvet Murder and a Half sounds stupid now doesn't it?" Grace snapped. "You can't call it the Deadly Velvet Murder and Attempted Murder! That sounds even worse!"
"You have a point," Harper admitted.
"Duh," Grace gave him a look before going on. "Tonight, we will focus on the victims of Veronica Deane's deadly rage. Ellis Crane. And the other man found floating in her pool."
"Good," Lana let out a sigh of relief. "Not even using his name. That's good."
Grace went on. "However, since pretty much everyone knows about the history between Veronica Deane and her ex-husband Ellis Crane…Let's face it, that's been done to death in the past few weeks covering this case. We will focus on her second victim. Sterling Archer."
"Uh oh…" Cyril blinked.
"When we started this story we thought Sterling Archer was just another nameless faceless dick trying to climb his way to fame and fortune in Hollywood…" Grace began. "But further investigation shows that the true history of Sterling Archer is…"
"Grace you can't call a guy dick on TV!" Harper interrupted her.
"It's slang for detective," Grace snapped. "Not an insult!"
"Oh right," Harper blinked.
"Thanks for ruining my buildup by the way," Grace snarled. "As I was saying before I was interrupted…"
"Sterling Archer turned out to be more than a detective," Harper added.
"That's my line!" Grace shouted.
"Oh this does not bode well," Mallory winced. "If they talk about how Sterling was a spy…"
"Yeah but a lot of what we've done is classified right?" Cyril asked.
"So is everything on Wiki Leaks," Pam gave him a look. "What's your point?"
"Uh oh…" Ray gulped. "We could be in trouble."
"You think?" Mallory snapped.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my tactless co-anchor," Grace had resumed talking. "When we ran a background check on Sterling Archer we discovered there was more to him than meets the eye."
A picture of Archer was shown on screen. He was wearing only a black short bathing suit drinking a bottle of tequila on a beach somewhere. Two bikini clad women were fawning over him. A shirtless Woodhouse was in the background holding a tray of alcohol and a doobie. A seal drinking some kind of alcohol bottle was also in the picture.
"Oh look," Mallory said dryly. "They used the picture from his vacation in Cancun."
"Well at least they didn't use a really embarrassing one," Pam remarked.
"A lot more," Grace said as another picture was shown.
This one was of a disheveled Archer fighting a few men in tuxedoes near a blackjack table in a Canadian casino. Security was arriving behind him. A drunken whore had passed out at his side. And a burning passport was on the table.
"Like that one," Pam added.
"I'm talking a lot more," Grace added.
Another picture was shown. This time it was Archer naked being led away by a pair of guards at a hotel. His private bits were blurred out. In the background was a high-ranking diplomat being held back by two more guards. Behind him were two identical young women barely covered by a sheet.
"And that one," Pam added.
"It soon became clear that Sterling Archer wasn't your ordinary luckless lothario looking for a sugar mama to squeeze," Grace went on.
Then another picture was shown. It was Archer with several women in a hot tub. Behind him was Woodhouse, also shirtless drinking with a lemur.
"For more reasons than you think," Grace's voice added.
"And that one," Pam added. "I'd forgotten about his Christmas card."
"Uggghhh…" Mallory groaned with shame.
"Technically Archer being a whoremonger is not news," Cyril said to her.
"When we looked into Sterling Archer's files amid all the arrests, driving citations, and mountains of debt from dozens of strip clubs, package stores, whorehouses and places that sell ping pong paddles," Grace was on camera again. "We discovered the majority of his files were classified. Which meant we couldn't find anything on his life."
"Well that's good," Lana breathed a sigh of relief.
"Ha!" Mallory grinned. "I still have friends who know it's in their best interests to protect me!"
"Until an anonymous source from the CIA came forward," Grace added.
"That's not so good," Cyril winced.
A shadowy figure was being interviewed. "Sterling Archer, code named Duchess…" It was clearly Slater. "Was one of the most reckless incompetent loose cannons that ever worked for intelligence services. It's ironic that he worked in intelligence considering he never had any to begin with!"
"Slater…" Lana growled. "That asshole…"
"Our source only known as Agent S," Grace spoke. "Gave us these details."
"Sterling Archer and his team of idiots basically screwed up every mission they were given," Slater went on. "I can't you the nature of these missions obviously but trust me. It was bad. Really bad. The last straw was when they were supposed to save this scientist's life. But instead they ended up not only killing the scientist, but several other doctors, nurses as well as destroying a lot of classified information!"
"Oh I am so going to make calls!" Mallory shouted. "He can't say anything about this! The CIA lives for secrecy! Hawley will have his guts for garters."
"I am another higher-ranking agent of the CIA," Another shadowy figure was shown being interviewed. It was clearly Hawley's voice. "And I can definitely vouch that everything Agent S said was true."
"Oh shit," Mallory groaned.
"Normally the CIA does not comment on former agents," Hawley went on. "Or missions or pretty much anything for that matter. But I have been authorized by my superiors to tell you, the general public how much a menace Sterling Archer is. And how he, and everyone associated with him will never be welcomed back into the intelligence community."
"Damn it," Mallory groaned. "Maybe if I call…?"
"In fact authorized is a mild word for what I was told," Hawley went on. "I was pretty much ordered to say that Sterling Archer and his associates will never be welcomed back. Never. Ever. And for certain people to not bother calling other certain people. Because the second group of certain people want to make it clear that they never ever want anything to do again with the first group of certain people. Just making it certain."
"Uh oh…" Mallory blinked. "This might be problematic…"
"I'd like to reiterate," Hawley went on. "Do not call us! We will certainly not call you! Ever! EVER!"
The screen shifted back to the shadowed form of Slater. "Seriously, you have no idea how much of a BLEEP! Sterling Archer is. The code name Duchess is legendary for BLEEEP! Everything up. And I mean BLEEEEEP! Of unimaginable BLEEEEP!"
"I'm guessing they had to edit for content," Ray said dryly.
"Bleep," Cyril quipped.
"Another source formerly from the ODIN Intelligence Agency also has come forward," Grace spoke again. "Under condition of anonymity."
"You want to know about Sterling Archer and the spy agency he worked at?" A shadowy figure spoke. It was Barry's voice. "Sure…Bar…Uh I mean Barney. Yes. Call me Barney. Barney will tell you all about it."
"Oh this just gets even better!" Lana groaned. "With Barry the Bionic Douchebag weighing in!"
"Sterling Archer pretty much wrecked every single mission assigned to him," Barry went on. "Not to mention a lot of assignments he wasn't even supposed to be on! A lot of good agents died because of him. And he stole my fiancé!"
"Technically they were engaged to be engaged so…" Cyril shrugged. Lana looked at him. "Just setting the record straight!"
"There's a reason he's called the Man Whore of Manhattan," Barry went on. "By the way is he dead yet or? No? Oh. But you will say something if he does die, right?"
"I bet a lot of people will say a lot of things if Archer dies," Cyril remarked. Lana glared at him again. "Oh like no one else was thinking it!"
"I was," Cheryl admitted.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Eh," Mallory shrugged.
"And that agency he used to work with," Slater was again being interviewed in the shadows. "Biggest bunch of idiots, losers and freaks you ever saw!"
"HEY!" Everyone shouted at the same time.
"You know they used to call in fake bomb threats all the time just to get work, right?" Barry asked when he was interviewed in the next cut scene.
The scene then cut to a well-dressed man in a suit. Underneath his picture was the name Ryan Richardson State Department. "The State Department cannot officially confirm or deny the rumors of any potential investigation or interaction with Mr. Archer, his mother or their former spy agency. I can say however there are a lot of them!"
Back to Barry in the shadows. "The Archer's agency used to be called ISIS. No, not that ISIS. This was another ISIS. Before the other one. The second one stole the first one's name so the first one had to drop it. I don't know why they stole that name. I would have taken the name of something that was actually successful!"
Once again there was a shot of Ryan Richardson. "Again the State Department cannot confirm or deny any truth to the rumors about the intelligence agency formerly known as ISIS. Not the terrorist agency knowns as ISIS. The first one. Even the one that says that there are a lot of similarities between the two. A lot of them…But I cannot confirm or deny that."
Back to Slater in the shadows. "Oh yeah. There are stories of that agency's ineptitude and incompetence that go back decades! Starting with the founder Ms. Mallory Archer. The only person who would give her son a job. Which explains a lot."
Back to Barry in the shadows. "Not that hard to figure out why Archer would go for a hot piece like Veronica Deane. You know? Older crazy woman that acts pretty much like a younger version of his mother."
Then there was a shot of an older well-dressed slightly heavier woman. With the name, TRUDY BEEKMAN under it. "Nothing you can say about Mallory Archer or her son would shock me honesty. The family's philandering is known far and wide."
"BEEKMAN!" Mallory shouted.
"It's not hard to see why Sterling became such a cad," Trudy Beekman sighed. "Like mother like son."
"BEEKMAN!" Mallory screamed as she smashed her glass in her hand. "DAMN IT!"
"I'm afraid Mallory Archer's tendencies to pursue the husbands and other male relatives of many New York's upper circles is what got her ostracized in the first place," Trudy Beekman shrugged. "As well as her son's behavior. And a slight tendency for fires that started at her parties. Then again she has been hanging around with that Tunt girl so…"
"Not all of them were my fault!" Cheryl shouted at the TV.
"Oh yeah that mother of his is something all right," Barry was interviewed again. "It's been said that there hasn't been a guy's nightstand where her pearls haven't been if you get my drift? You get my drift?"
"Why are your eyes glowing?" Grace was heard asking. Indeed, Barry's eyes were glowing.
"Uh…Contacts," Barry coughed. "I have glow in the dark contacts. Latest thing. But uh yeah, Archer and his mother kind of went through both ends of the intelligence community if you get Barry's drift. I mean Barney's drift. I'm Barney. Who's Barry? Never heard of him."
Ryan Richardson was on screen again. "No comment."
A man titled CARL CRAMMERS STRIP CLUB OWNER was shown. "Sterling Archer owes me over twenty grand in bar tabs. Plus, he needs to pay to replace the upholstery on one of the couches in the back room. You would not believe how much damage marmalade can do to suede."
Slater was back on screen. "Greatest spy of all time? No. Not even close. Greatest man whore, yeah. There's a good argument for that. Biggest drunk to ever work for the government? Probably. Most reckless agent ever? Definitely. But not the greatest spy. Not even close."
"We have to show Archer this when he wakes up," Cyril grinned.
"It is little wonder that Sterling Archer turned to other means to support his alcoholism and his ever-increasing debts," Grace spoke. "Like his brief and ill-fated porn career."
"Technically a couple films shot in some guy's bathroom isn't a career," Pam corrected to the screen.
"Again, what the hell was the point of the penguin?" Cheryl asked as a censored clip was shown onscreen.
"But lately Sterling Archer's main source of income was working as an unlicensed detective at a new agency in Hollywood," Harper added. "Founded by his mother and staffed by other members of the failed spy agency."
"IT'S MY AGENCY!" Cyril shouted. "MINE!"
"And it soon became apparent that this agency had pretty much the same standards as their old spy agency had," Harper went on. "Which apparently were none."
"My name is in the freaking title!" Cyril groaned. "How can they not acknowledge that?"
"Within a few months, Mallory Archer's new agency had already gained a less than sterling reputation," Harper added. "No pun intended. Clearly Ms. Archer's lack of managing skills contributed greatly to the agency's reputation."
"It's my agency," Cyril grumbled.
"Really? That's what you're so upset about?" Pam asked.
"Yeah Ms. Archer is taking the freaking fall so…" Cheryl laughed.
"IT'S CYRIL'S AGENCY YOU NO TALENT HACKS!" Mallory shouted at the TV.
"Now you admit it's my agency!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"Shut up!" Lana barked. "I want to hear this!"
"Including some very interesting videos on Me Tube…" Harper kept going. "However despite these people completely sucking at their job, they managed to somehow get Veronica Deane as a client for various missions."
"Including acting as her guards during the infamous Clown Incident at the Tinnitus Foundation Fundraiser several months ago," Grace added. "Didn't exactly do that great a job."
"She was the only one not shot by bean bags!" Pam snapped. "I think we did a pretty good one!"
"Technically Shapiro's balls deserve most of the credit," Ray told her.
"It was also the beginning of a very twisted little love triangle," Grace went on. A picture of Lana's mugshot was shown. "With Lana Kane, the on again-off again-on again girlfriend of Sterling Archer."
"And this will not end well," Lana winced.
"Oh you want to know about Lana Kane AKA Ms. Spray and Pray?" Slater's silhouette was shown again. "She and Archer have had an on again off again thing for years. They get together, then he goes off chasing other women."
"Lana Kane…" Trudy Beekman was shown. "That's the giant black woman with the large hands Sterling knocked up isn't it? I know he also knocked up a hooker. Then again in the spy profession or whatever they were doing I suppose there is very little difference."
"Okay Mallory," Lana frowned. "Now I get why you hate Trudy Beekman."
"Little surprise Mallory was probably adept at her job," Trudy Beekman added. "If you can call it that."
"Oh yeah," Mallory frowned. "That's Beekman all right."
Barry's silhouette was on screen again. "I did tell you that Archer slept with my fiancé? Twice! As in I had two fiancés and he slept with both of them! And also, one several times in one day. What a BLEEEEEEEEEP!"
Another silhouette was shown. "You would not believe some of the sick twisted things Archer wanted to do with me," It was clearly Trinette.
"And here comes the Irish Whore…" Mallory growled.
"Once Archer wanted me to BLEEEEP! On his BLEEEEEP!" Trinette went on. "Then he'd make me BLEEEEEP! And then BLEEEEP! While he was BLEEEEP-ing on the balcony. And he had that damn lemur film it! I'm serious! He gave a lemur a camera to film the whole thing. BLEEEP-ing thing bit me in the BLEEEEP!"
Then it cut back to Carl Crammers. "One time Archer got into some extra cash see? He either assassinated somebody or slept with some broad and blackmailed her. Knowing Archer it was more likely the latter."
"A fair assessment," Cyril said.
"So he made my girls BLEEEEEEEP!" Carl when on. "While he used a whole crate of champagne with another crate of melons and a BLEEP-ing bunch of ping pong paddles. Then he'd BLEEEEEP! With the girls BLEEEP-ing all over the stage. It wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't insist on using a gallon of marmalade too. You have any idea how hard it is to get rid of marmalade stains on good suede?"
Slater was back on camera again. "Did you hear about the time he slept with the two twin princesses of BLEEEP? At the same time! He slept with the twin princesses of BLEEP at the same time! Oh wait, you have to bleep out the name of the country for security reasons. But we almost went to war over Archer's dick. Well we would have if that country had an army."
"Again," Barry was shown again. "Two fiancés! Two times! BLEEEP-ed them both!"
Slater was on again. "Back when he was working at a spy agency, whenever an agent died he'd go to the funeral to hit on the widows! And if there were no widows he'd hit on the sisters, daughters, aunts…And once a very doable grandmother. Which he did! Right in the damn hearse!"
"We're taping this so we can show Archer when he wakes up right?" Cyril asked.
"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "And for uh, personal reasons."
"That man has had more venereal diseases than a Navy infirmary after a week of shore leave," Slater added.
"By the way Krieger," Cyril said. "I want a copy of this."
"Done and done," Krieger nodded.
Trinette was on again. "He gave me the clap twice. And another girl had to retire because she got some weird disease they never even heard of!"
Carl was shown again. "I had to break down and give my girls a better medical plan with all the cases of the clap Archer gave them. Plus, that weird strain of bacteria they eventually named after him."
"But we're talking about Lana Kane, right?" Slater was back again. "You know there's a rumor going around that she actually stole his sperm to have this kid? Which is really weird. Considering how often he gives it away for free!"
"Another source detailing the strain in the relationship between Sterling Archer and Lana Kane…" Grace reported. She looked at the monitor. "Who wanted to keep her identity a secret and be referred to only as…Not Cheryl and/or Carol."
Everyone glared at Cheryl. "You heard her," Cheryl said. "Not Cheryl and/or Carol."
"Oh yeah," Cheryl's voice was heard and it was clearly her silhouette on camera. "Lana was so pissed off at Mr. Archer. He was like obsessed with Veronica Deane and she kept yelling at him and beating him up. It was funny at first but then it got boring. And predictable…"
"Speaking of predictable beatings…" Lana glared at Cheryl.
"That's not me," Cheryl said quickly.
"Honestly, I'm surprised that Ms. Archer wasn't the one to blow Crane away," Cheryl on camera spoke. "She's such a horny old bat and desperate to nail any guy that walks in front of her. Especially a rich one. She's such an old whore."
Mallory glared at Cheryl. "Lana…I may join you for that beating."
"And Lana's a whore period," Cheryl laughed on screen. "A big old desperate Truck-a-saurus hands whore! No wonder Mr. Archer slept with me and pretty much every woman he ever met. Including Veronica Deane. Ick. But that's probably only because she reminds him of his mother. Who's also a whore. And a bad mother."
"When we come back we'll delve more into the sensational crime of Veronica Deane and the Deadly Velvet Murders," Grace announced before going to commercial.
This was when everyone else in the agency wisely moved away from Cheryl as far as they could.
"What?" Cheryl asked as Lana and Mallory loomed over her.
"Do you want to explain that?" Mallory growled as she pointed to the television. "And let me finish, not the actual television itself…"
"Good because I don't know how that works," Cheryl added.
"I am referring to why you felt like you had to slander me and Lana on national television!" Mallory snarled.
"Oh that," Cheryl said. "I thought it would be funny."
"Just checking," Mallory sighed. "Lana…"
That was when Lana knocked out Cheryl with one punch. "Ooooh," Ray winced. "That's gonna leave a mark."
"Lana if you don't mind helping me take out the trash…" Mallory growled.
"With pleasure," Lana picked up Cheryl and carried her away.
"This will not end well," Cyril winced. "Not that I really care that much but still…"
"That's what you get for snitching," Ray shrugged.
"Word," Pam nodded.
Lana followed Mallory as she carried Cheryl outside. They stood next to the large dumpster next to the building. "You want me to open it?" Lana asked.
"If you don't mind," Mallory said. "You can just put that there for now!" She pointed to the street.
Lana unceremoniously dumped Cheryl then opened the dumpster. "Okay you take her feet and I'll get her head."
"Why do I get the feet?" Mallory asked.
"Because I want to make sure she bangs her head when I throw her in," Lana said.
"Good point," Mallory said as she took Cheryl's feet.
With a quick toss Cheryl was thrown into the dumpster. "Got it," Lana checked before closing the dumpster lid and locking it from the outside. "She's got a bump on her head. Too bad there's no brain in there to damage."
"And that takes care of that," Mallory nodded as they went back inside.
The news show was back on when they returned. "Lana Kane was then dismissed as a suspect when it was revealed that Veronica Deane committed the murder," Grace spoke. "And a major star committing murder was a more profitable suspect. I mean…more interesting suspect."
Grace looked at the camera. "Oh come on! Be honest! Who would you rather have as a murder suspect? A former huge star turned greedy sex depraved has been or a never was? I thought so!"
"Oh that makes me feel so much better," Lana said sarcastically.
"The fact that there was security footage of Veronica Deane shooting Archer as well as his naming her his potential assassin before slipping into a coma was also a clue," Grace added. "Some of the footage was taken from Deane's own security cameras. Where she admitted murdering Ellis Crane, as well as framing Lana Kane and her part in an extensive insurance fraud scam called Long Water."
Grace shook her head. "Which was pretty stupid of her you have to admit."
"Well you would know all about an old has been having sex with a young stud and then turning on him wouldn't you?" Harper snarled.
"Why don't you just sit and the corner, look pretty and let the professionals actually do the news?" Grace snarled.
"Since when are you a professional?" Harper sneered. "Oh right, you used to be a hooker. Yeah that's technically a professional."
"I never was! There's no proof of that!" Grace snarled. "That's just a vicious rumor started by my rivals. Which there's no proof of. That and the sex tape."
"Of course, not," Harper snarled. "You bought up all the copies!"
"When we go to commercial you and I are going to have a talk," Grace glared at Harper.
"Why don't we talk now?" Harper snapped.
"Because there are some words I need to call you that aren't admissible on network television!" Grace snapped.
"Okay fine! You want to talk bitch?" Harper snarled. "I know that you slept with my brother!"
"Yeah so?" Grace asked.
"He's only twenty-one!" Harper snapped.
"So, he's legal. What's your point?" Grace sneered. "Besides if you didn't want him to have sex with your co-workers you shouldn't have gotten him a job as a gopher!"
"Writer!" Harper snapped.
"Same difference," Grace waved. "Oh wait, he was bad at getting coffee. Yeah I see your point."
"I have taken a lot from you since day one on this show but no more!" Harper snapped. "This is the last straw! You have crossed the line one too many times!"
"Really?" Grace said. "This is the line? Even more than the time I put ants in your dressing room? Seems kind of arbitrary."
"Honestly dude," A male voice was heard. "I would have snapped at the ant thing. No offense but your brother is kind of a man whore."
"SHUT UP!" Harper shouted at the camera.
"He's also legal so technically…" The male voice added.
"Thank you!" Grace said. "Someone around here gets it!"
"You're going to get it if you don't stop messing with me and my brother!" Harper shouted. "Obviously in different ways…"
"Oh please!" Grace snarled. "I needed something for me after being groped by that fat ass that pretends to be our boss!"
Harper did a double take. "He did that to you too?"
"Why am I not surprised?" Grace threw up her hands. "This just in, Network President Aldridge Bainwright the Third is a horny old pervert! Who obviously has no taste!"
"Obviously if he slept with you," Harper grumbled.
"WHAT?" Grace shouted as she tackled Harper and they started to fight on the floor.
"I think the next sensational news story just started," Ray remarked.
"Whoa! That's a good right hook Grace has," Pam whistled. "Kind of a turn on."
"Hank you cut to commercial I will tell everyone what you were doing the night of your mother's surgery at Pita Margaritas!" Grace snapped. "I want everyone to see me beat this loser's ass!" She then punched Harper in the face.
"OWWW! MY NOSE!" Harper whined.
"Not so pretty now are you, Pretty Boy?" Grace taunted.
"Ryan! Stop it right now!" A large fat balding man in a good suit stormed onto the set with some security.
"Why are you stopping me, Aldridge?" Grace snapped as security pulled her off. "You wanted better ratings? This is the way to get it! Give the people what they want!"
"She's not wrong," Mallory admitted.
"I'd watch two anchors beating the hell out of each other every day if I could," Pam said. "So much better than fake friendships."
"Makes the news more realistic," Krieger nodded.
"That's it Ryan!" Aldridge shouted. "You're fired! You hear me! You're fired!"
"Save your Donald Trump impersonation for someone who gives a damn!" Grace snarled.
"I mean it this time!" Aldridge shouted. "I have at least twenty younger hotter looking female anchors just waiting to take your spot! And cheaper!"
"Can't get much cheaper than her," Harper grumbled holding his nose.
"Oh you're not going to fire me!" Grace snarled as she broke away from the security officer holding her. "Because in addition to the mother of all sexual harassment lawsuits I know about your involvement in Long Water!"
"WHAT?" Everyone at the Figgis Agency shouted.
"What?" Aldridge gasped. "I don't know what you're talking about…"
"Stratton and Whitney was your firm too!" Grace snapped. "And I know you were part of that whole insurance scheme! Because I have proof of it! Remember our little meeting in my office the other night?"
"You taped…?" Aldridge gasped.
"You really didn't think I was going to let a fat slob like you touch me without getting something in return, did you?" Grace sneered.
"This is slander! Slander!" Aldridge gasped. "There's no proof!"
"OH, YES THERE IS!" A gravely female voice boomed. "I HAVE THE RECEIPTS TO PROVE IT!"
"Martha!" Aldridge gasped.
Martha Bainwright a well-dressed woman in white with an uncanny resemblance to the actress Brenda Vaccaro stormed in. "Where's my money you lying cheating bastard? I know you stole it to fund that damned stupid Long Water scheme!"
"Can you believe this?" Cyril was stunned.
"I know," Krieger scoffed. "She's wearing white after Labor Day! Shocking!"
"Martha I can explain!" Aldridge pleaded. "In private!"
"Why not? You've slept with half the town!" Martha shouted. "Might as well get it all out in the open! What I want to know is what you did with my money!"
"WILL YOU TURN OFF THAT DAMN CAMERA?" Aldridge shouted to the cameraman.
"Uh no," A male voice behind the camera spoke up. "Because you promised me that you were only sleeping with me!"
"Did not see that coming," Ray blinked. "Wait that voice sounds familiar…"
"SHUT UP HANK!" Aldridge shouted.
"Wasn't this show supposed to be about Mr. Archer?" Pam blinked. "I honestly can't remember."
"I have a feeling a lot of people feel the same way you do," Cyril groaned. "Including me!"
"Okay now I remember where I heard that voice before," Ray realized. "In the men's bathroom at Pita…Okay…Not going to say anything else now."
"Please don't," Mallory groaned.
"Hank you may end up working for me!" Martha shouted. "So keep it rolling!"
"Will do, Ma'am," Hank said.
"HANK YOU TRAITOR!" Aldridge shouted.
"You were lousy in bed anyway!" Hank shot back.
"I know, right?" Grace said.
"Seriously," Harper agreed.
"Why do you think I never said anything about his affairs before?" Martha asked. "Honestly that part was kind of a relief."
"I don't believe this," Lana groaned.
"Me neither," Ray sighed. "Should have known Hank was married."
"Even I have to admit this is pretty riveting," Mallory blinked. "And this is coming from a person who has seen a lot of very interesting, creative and illegal interrogation videos."
"I found this in your desk drawer!" Martha pulled out the Long Water disk from her purse. "There's a lot on here the police and the IRS will find very interesting! And a few porn producers."
"How many copies of Long Water did they make?" Lana asked incredulously.
"Well it's also a sex tape as well as an embezzlement account so…" Pam shrugged. "Sex sells."
"You stole money from not only me but also this news station!" Martha pulled out some other papers. "Including the pension funds!"
"WHAT?" The security officers and Hank shouted as one.
"I had twenty grand in that account!" A security officer shouted.
"Where's our money you bastard?" Hank shouted.
"Shut up Hank! YOU'RE FIRED!" Aldridge shouted. "YOU'RE ALL FIRED!"
"How about you get fired?" Martha took out a lighter from her purse and tackled her husband. "You're getting the mother of all hot foots until you tell me that account you put my money in!"
"OW! OW! HELP ME! HELP! HELP!" Aldridge screamed as he tried to fight his wife off.
"Oh, we'll help all right!" A security officer snapped. They both held Aldridge down.
"GET 'EM LADY!" The second security officer shouted.
"Speaking of getting someone," Grace glared at Harper.
"Oh no!" Harper ran away. "AAAAHHHH!"
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN YOU MOUSE!" Grace chased after him.
"OWWWW! STOP SETTING ME ON FIRE! AAAAAAAHHH!" Aldridge screamed.
"Now that's how you get ratings," Krieger pointed out.
"I don't freaking believe this," Cyril groaned.
"This show has everything," Krieger sat there with a huge grin on his face, clearly mesmerized. "Cheryl is going to be so pissed she missed this one!"
The next day another meeting was held in the Figgis Agency bullpen. And once again they were watching the large screen TV. It was on a different station. "This is Darlene Love from Jaguar News," The well-known female TV reporter was standing in front of a building. "Yesterday's sensational outburst and revelation of local news channel WBLA's illegal ties to Stratton and Whitney have increased the now infamous Veronica Deane Long Water account scandal."
Darlene went on. "While doing a report on the story, the reporters and the entire news station became the story. The multiple pansexual affairs of station owner and president Aldridge Bainwright the Third came to light during a violent confrontation between Bainwright, his wife, a few news anchors and a camera man."
"I don't freaking believe this," Cyril groaned.
"Bainwright was arrested at his hospital bed where he was recovering from second degree burns inflicted on him by his wife," Darlene reported. "He is reportedly cooperating with the authorities and is expected to name other co-conspirators. More arrests are expected."
"His wife Martha Bainwright was also arrested for assault and attempted murder but the charges were dropped pending her cooperation in the case. And for what her lawyer called was a temporarily loss of judgement due to extreme mental cruelty inflicted on her by her husband. She is filing for divorce."
"Also it is worth noting that both Grace Ryan and Harper Ellis have not only been arrested for assault, they have been fired as newscasters from the station," Darlene added. "A moot point considering WBLA has been shut down due to both bankruptcy as well as an investigation by both the IRS and the FCC."
"I WORKED HERE FOR TEN YEARS!" A man ran by carrying a small computer. "I DESERVE A COMPUTER DAMN IT!"
"Employees did not take the news of their terminations well," Darlene remarked as a shot of several employees running out of the building carrying whatever they could.
"Awww," Pam pouted. "A looting is going on and I'm not in it. I hate when that happens."
"Me too," Krieger agreed.
"And I thought we had a toxic work environment," Ray blinked. "I mean that place must have been a powder keg just ready to go off at any moment."
"Obviously this is the result of bad management," Mallory sniffed as she took a drink.
"And that's you saying that!" Ray said.
"So…" Lana sighed. "Just so I get the damage tally up to date. We are now responsible for a news station going off the air, hundreds of people losing their jobs, another scandal and possibly more businesses in this city shutting down?"
"Indirectly," Cyril told her. "I mean we did give the authorities the recordings the Archer Bot made of Veronica Deane confessing to everything. And I did give them the evidence I found in the studio's accounting files. We told them about that."
"Not to mention the huge role you and Archer played in Stratton and Whitney's little murder suicide rampage," Ray added.
"Well obviously I didn't tell the police that part," Cyril corrected. "But yeah, we are kind of responsible for that."
"So we are responsible," Lana groaned. "And if the police ever figure out what you and Archer did with Stratton and Whitney…"
"Forget the cops," Pam said. "Do you have any idea how many rich bitches probably lost money because of this whole thing? I'm seriously asking."
"I'm guessing that number is in the double digits at least," Ray groaned. "And if they find out they may not wait for the police to investigate us. They may do their own investigations. With guys named Rocco and some very large baseball bats."
"Well look at the bright side," Cyril said weakly. "This news story is so sensational we've all been forgotten."
"Yeah, we're now the sensational news story that kicked off the even more sensational news story," Lana said sarcastically. "As well as another police investigation. And an IRS investigation."
"Well excuse me for trying to find the bright side in all this!" Cyril snapped.
"I wish we were forgotten!" Mallory snapped. "That news program went national before it went to hell! And a few of my former friends saw it!"
"Not as many as you would think," Pam said. "I saw the ratings. We got clobbered by Dancing with the Stars and a Walking Dead Marathon. And a rerun of the Big Bang Theory didn't help. It was the one where Sheldon went crazy. That's a popular one."
"People who are looking for that show online are only watching the end of it when Ryan went nuts," Ray agreed. "Speaking of which where's Cheryl?"
"Who cares?" Mallory grumbled.
"Uh you should because her checks for protection are basically our main and only source of income," Cyril gave her a look.
"Oh right…" Mallory realized. "Uh oh…"
Meanwhile…
"Hello?" Cheryl called out as a garbage truck rolled down the street. "Hello? Damn it! Did I pass out in a dumpster again? I hate when that happens!"