Hello, fandom of Assassin's Creed!
Ok... There's another translation of a fic of mine named "Problemas de Zombies", where the principal charachters (Haytham, Ziio and Connor with Aveline and Achilles) are something OOC. Is like a kind of alternate universe, I think so and maybe the plot is something stupid and not funny at all, but I wrote this fic in honor of The Simpsons' episode "Treehouse of Horror III" :-). Maybe my English would suck, but I did my best effort to bring it :-) and, at last, made you smile.
I hope you like it and enjoy it, people.
Hugs!
Vicka.
P.S: The characters of this story are not mine. They're from Ubisoft, Fox, Comedy Central and another ones.
Zombies Trouble.
"Boston, Massachusetts, November First 1778.
The British came to the confines of the Colonies. Those bastards were ravaging everything from fields up to livestock animals. The Templars and the Assassins, both groups in almost the same side (and when I say almost, is almost because, though to whom, both seek independence), decided to give a truce and fight for the libert –"
- DAD! - interrupted a tanned skinned young boy dressed in white and blue robes with a hoodie, who entered untimely at the study accompanied by a dark skinned girl dressed with leather pants, white blouse and a tricorne hat.
45 years old Haytham Kenway looked with disgust at his son of 19 years, Connor "Rahtonhaké:ton" Kenway, and at Aveline de Grandpré, his girlfriend aged 17 years old. Both seemed like they have raced so hard because of their sweatiness.
- Could you tell me what the hell happen to you? - the native writer from London inquired.
- Dad - Connor replied with some of nervous -... Ehmmm... W-we have done something very, but very bad.
- Did you crash the carriage?
-No - replied the boys.
- Did you committed some silly thing which result, I imagine, is something similar to Stephen Summers' novel?
- Yes.
- But the carriage is ok?
- Aha...
- Ah, well...
Days later, everyone began to hang their houses with wooden boards due to the proximity of individuals of rotten faces and slow gait whom everyone called "zombies". The zombies were attacking everything that seems food for them, from a simple turkey to the dog, passing by politicians, soldiers, some of their political families pending the own George Washington and the general Charles Lee.
Kaneithi:io "Ziio" Kenway Davenport, Haytham's wife, began to upholster the doors and the windows of the house with the help of her father, Achilles Davenport, Connor, her son, and Aveline, her future daughter-in-law. Haytham was too busy thinking if he would re - write the novel as a story of zombies or leave it like that is and releasing it under the name of "Assassin's Creed".
- Haytham! – called Ziio - Did you nail the tables in the front door?
- Uh? - Haytham inquired very surprised - Why the need of upholster the front door? Did you say that because o-? ZOMBIES!
The zombies broke into the Kenway's house; the family ran away to Haytham and Ziio's room. The patriarch of the family quickly nailed the tables and pushed up to the bed and the table to delay the passage of the living creatures.
- Damn! - Achilles exclaimed - How this happened?
-Uhhh... Let's say that – Connor replied with timidity -... That Aveline and I found the famous Book of the Dead in the city's library.
- The Book of the Dead?! - exclaimed Ziio very terrified - Oh, my God! Connor, Aveline, what have you done?
- Well, we read the book as a practice for the subject of Egiptology from the school - replied Aveline.
- That book should not be read! - Achilles exclaimed - Now we need to find the Book of Amon - Ra in order to stop this madness!
- The book of Amon - Ra? Isn't that golden book that we found hidden in a hollow of the library along with the Book of the Dead?
- Was there where you found it? – queried the Mohawk woman.
- Yes.
- Then we have to go and seek for that book! - Achilles declared - It's our only hope!
- Haytham... – called Ziio.
- I know it - replied the mentioned guy, who was already carrying the entire collection of pistols, muskets and shotguns as well as glossing all hidden blades, the tomahawks and the sickles to fight against the living dead.
Once he had finished loading the last gun with gunpowder, he exclaimed:
- All right, people! Let's go to the library and finish with this fucking shit!
Minutes later, everyone went through the main door after of watching that there's no zombies on the coast. However, when everyone went to the carriage, a horde of zombies began to encircle them.
Climb up! - Haytham exclaimed - Quick!
Long before the Kenways succeed in climbing up to the carriage, a known voice called:
- Hey, Kenway!
Haytham turned around and looked at nothing more and nothing less than to Ned Flanders, his hated neighbor, who told him:
- Hey, Kenway, I'm a little hungry. Can I chew your ear?
Listening that, Mr Kenway took a shotgun and shot Flanders exclaiming:
- Die, motherfucker!
Everyone was surprised.
- Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders! - Connor exclaimed.
- Oh... He was a zombie?
Without wasting any more time, the Kenways headed the Boston library.
Upon entering, they ran into a tremendous amount of zombies, so Haytham, Achilles and Connor, armed to the teeth, began to distribute bullets everywhere.
- Look! - Connor exclaimed - Is William Shakespeare!
- William Shakespeare?! - Haytham exclaimed - What the fuck is doing William Shakespeare here?! Come here, you fag thief theather!
After of saying that, he began to fire.
- Die, Julius Caesar! -exclaimed Achilles while he shooted the Roman Emperor.
- Fuck you, Santa Claus! -Connor exclaimed while the fat zombie guy was beaten with the gun's butt.
- Return to the tomb, Cartman! -Haytham exclaimed while he was cutting the head of the fat bastard.
-Die, Kenny! -Connor exclaimed.
-Oh, my God! - exclaimed a zombie boy with blue cap and yellow pompon very scared - You killed Kenny!
- You bastard! -exclaimed another zombie boy with green hat very annoyed.
- Shut up, faggots! -exclaimed Achilles, who shot them with his dual pistols.
- Stay away from me, Peña Nieto! -the teen exclaimed while he was cutting his head with the tomahawk – You motherfucker! Die, Salinas de Gortari!
- Hasta la vista, Mickey Mouse! - Haytham exclaimed after of beating Disney's mouse in the face with the shotgun – Back off, Donald Duck! Suck this, Einstein! Fuck you, Brad Pitt!
While the men were busy on killing how much politician, scientist, famous characters from television series, historical, fictional characters, and even Hollywood stars went against their noses, Ziio and Aveline went toward the section of Egyptology where they found the famous golden book.
Seeing that the zombies outnumbered their male, the women began to search with their eyes the exact prayer to return the zombies to their graves.
- Entertain them a little more, guys! - Ziio exclaimed.
- Uh... I don't think that we have more time, Z! -Haytham replied while he fired blindly and mad at everything that moved.
- Here it is! - Aveline exclaimed very triumphant - Ka-adishma, ka-adishma... Konnorthenagua:asshole tumbaris with! (Something like: Zombie, zombie, back to your grave!... Or who knows on earth what said that thing).
With those words, a white light came out of the golden book and lit up virtually all the face of the State of Massachusetts and surrounding States.
The zombies, by magic, sought to return to their graves to enjoy eternal peace.
&%&%&
- According to reports, the plague of zombies finally has ended - commented the announcer in the square-. It is known that there could be more than 50 former undead divided by streets, which we recommend to the people to send a pigeon to Sanitation and they will pick up the corpse and proceed to bury them in the Christian way. On the other hand, since some naive idiot was probably the culprit of this disaster, it shall be send the Book of the Dead and the Book of Amon - Ra at Mr Benjamin Franklin's house, who will begin to analyze them with the CSI team to determine how the hell those books got on our country.
-I am pleased so much that everything finished - commented Ziio.
-Yes – Haytham replied while he hugged his wife -... Me too... Although it was fun to be killing zombies in Resident Evil style.
- Haytham...
- Papa, mama! -exclaimed Connor, who came running towards her parents.
- Now what, Connor? -inquired the English man.
-Hey, there are coming some aliens very similar to Predator!
- What?!
Five minutes later...
Everyone ran from one side to another while aliens with heads similar to Alien, the Eighth Passenger were fighting against another ones very identical to the Predators.
- Great! Now that this is great! - Haytham protested while he fired lasers against predators and Aliens – Fucking aliens! I will never finish my novel!