"Cas." Sam breathed in relief next to me. The relief was short lived. The tip of an angel blade stabbed through his chest. Bright light shot from his eyes and mouth. Everything stopped. My heart seemed to freeze. I watched the searing light that meant Cas was dead.
"No!" I heard myself yell. Cas seemed to fall in slow motion as Lucifer stepped out from the portal behind him. My eyes remained on Cas. His name was repeating over and over in my mind. Cas' wings were burned into the ground around him.
"Well, that was fun." Lucifer smirked. My heart started pounding again. This was real. My eyes dragged up from Cas' body to Lucifer's face. He was talking but I could barely hear him over the beating of my own heart, the anger and grief that was burning my veins.
Suddenly Mary appeared. "I love you," she said before punching Lucifer. I watched numbly as she attacked him with her fists. They disappeared into the portal and it snapped closed.
"Mom!" I yelled. "No!" Sam and I were both yelling but it was too late. They were gone. "No. No no." I kept going over everything that had happened in the past minute. My eyes fell to Cas and I fell to my knees.
My heart ached as I looked at him. His eyes were closed. He could have been sleeping if he slept. I knew he wasn't. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to open his beautiful blue eyes and be alright.
"Say something," I heard my own voice crack as I looked down at him. I picked up his limp hand. "I'm giving up." I felt my chest hitch and kissed his hand. "I'll be the one if you want me to." I remembered the first time I'd seen him all those years ago in that sigiled barn. His wings flashing behind him gloriously.
"Anywhere, I would have followed you." I confessed. The tears had started rolling down my cheeks but I didn't dare wipe them away. "Dammit, Cas! Say something! I'm giving up on you!" I let out a sob and kissed his hand again, closing my eyes against the image of him dead.
"I'm feeling so small. It was over my head." I whispered into his cold knuckles. "I know nothing at all."
Who are you?
I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.
I remembered sinking the blade into his heart and his slightly annoyed look as he pulled it from his chest and dropped it on the floor. I thought he was invincible. I was wrong.
"I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love." I saw him in the basement of the hospital on Valentine's day, close enough to kiss, awkwardly not hanging up the phone. I saw him telling Sam we shared a 'more profound bond' and feeling embarrassed. "Just starting to crawl."
I felt my breathing becoming more ragged as I confessed to Cas. I wondered if he could hear me. I needed him to hear me.
"Say something!" I begged, rocking forward on my knees and pressing my forehead to his still chest. "I'm giving up on you! I'm sorry! I couldn't get to you." I sobbed into his chest. "Anywhere. Anywhere, Cas. I would have followed you." I promised.
"I… I'll swallow my pride." I sat up a little to look at his face. "You're the one that I love, Cas." I hated that the words were leaving me only now. I wished I'd told him before. I wished he was still here. "And I'm saying goodbye." I kissed his hand again and sat up.
"Just say something. Please. I'm giving up on you." I folded his hands over his chest and let my hands stay there. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't get to you. Anywhere, I would have followed you." I did follow him. I followed him where I could follow. I wanted to follow him now.
"Say something!" I begged again. I thought of when I was leaving to confront Amara and Cas pulled me into a hug. My heart had dropped during that hug. I thought I was saying goodbye to him but it was easier that time. I had been the one leaving. I had been the one who was supposed to die. "Say something!" I could hear Cas' voice in my ear when I was a demon saying over and over It's over. It's over. It's over.
"I love you." I whispered, sitting back on my heels and wiping my hand across my face. I saw him in the hospital holding the 'Sorry' game. I saw him holding his FBI badge upside down. I saw him pass out in my arms after traveling back in time when he was too low on power. I saw him smiling and defending and fighting. I saw the Cas I loved more than anything. "I love you." I buried my face in my arms and sat there crying.