I want an au where draco and hermione are in a secret relationship and the only one who knows about it is blaise unwillingly because he's caught them doing it like several times but it's only HIM that catches them like ron and harry walk out of the room and draco and hermione are at each others throats and when blaise walks in they are snogging and he's tried telling people but no one believes him because obv reasons and they make it so obvious but no one sees it but blaise and he thinks he's being punished for something he did in a previous life
malfxoys
Blaise Zabini had been having, what many refer to, as a perfect day. Had been. All of his classes had gone smoothly, especially potions, and he was days ahead in assignments for most of his other classes. Crabbe and Goyle were being less oafish than usual and even Pansy had been relatively kind to him.
No, the problem was Draco.
Draco was quickly becoming obsessed with Hermione Granger, which no one seemed to notice besides Blaise.
"He's got to like her." He said to Pansy one morning at breakfast as they watched Draco and Hermione hurling insults across the great hall like chasers do to the quaffle in a particularly violent Quiddich match.
Pansy spit half her pumpkin juice across Goyle's plate. Goyle didn't even notice. Or if he did, he didn't care. "No way. He hates her. I mean look at her!" Blaise followed the line of her arm as she pointed with a perfectly manicured nail at Hermione, now standing from her seat at the Gryffindor table. Her wild curls framed her flushed mocha skin and her eyes had a blazing look to them. She would be quite pretty, if she had been anything close to Blaise's type.
"Come on Pans, it's so obvious that they like each other." As soon as he said this, Hermione sent a bowl of oatmeal shooting across the great hall to upturn itself over Draco's head. Draco retaliated by conjuring a bucket of water that upturned itself over the top of Hermione. Harry and Ron jumped up and quickly drug a sputtering and outraged Hermione from the hall before things could escalate any further.
"Yeah Blaise. It's really obvious." Pansy laughed as she watched Draco return to his seat next to her and attack his breakfast with vicious stabs of his fork while Pansy vanished the oatmeal from his hair with her wand.
Blaise sighed and resumed eating his breakfast.
That had been two days ago, and ever since then, every time Draco and Hermione ended up in the same room, similar things happened. It didn't matter if the professors were present or not, so preoccupied were Hermione and Draco with their disgust for each other that it was as if nobody else existed.
Blaise couldn't figure out if they hated each other, or if it was all an act. To his horror, he found himself increasingly fixated on figuring it out. Which is why on the day when nothing had gone wrong, Blaise found himself thinking about the most recent row Draco and Hermione had had during transfiguration. So consumed was Blaise in his theories that at first, he didn't fully register what he saw when he pulled back a tapestry to take a lesser known shortcut to the dungeons. The first thing he registered was Draco, pushed up against a wall, his finely featured face obscured by a mass of dark, curling hair. He almost turned around and went a different way because Draco was obviously working his charms on one of the feistier Ravenclaws, but as he was backing away quietly, he saw the red and gold trim on the girl's skirt. No. Please no. "You've got to be kidding me."
He must have spoken aloud, because with a gasp the girl whirled around, the dark brown eyes of Hermione Granger staring in mounting horror at him.
"Don't worry, it's just Blaise. It doesn't matter if he sees us." Draco said lazily, straightening his tie.
"Just Blaise?" Hermione shrieked, turning around to face Draco again. "Of course it matters!"
Draco fires up at this like, "Would you just relax? Honestly woman. He's my best mate. He'll be cool about it."
Hermione sputters, face flushing in anger.
Blaise drops the tapestry on the sounds of a renewed argument. Harry and Ron walked past Blaise, Harry nudging Ron and asking "Think we should stop them before they break something?" and Ron responding like "Nah, they'll just start fighting again the next time they see each other. Oh hey Blaise."
"At it again are they?" Harry asks, noting the barely released tapestry swinging out of Blaise's hand.
"I just caught them snogging."
Harry and Ron hesitate for a second, before bursting into loud guffaws of laughter, Ron choking out a "Yeah right, nice one Blaise."
"They can barely be in the same space together." Harry says wiping tears from his eyes and dragging a still laughing Ron down the corridor.
"RIP to my peaceful existence." Blaise says, following them, the sounds of Draco and Hermione's shouting echoing down the corridor behind him.
Three times.
Three more times it happens in the next week. Blaise can't understand why it only happens to him, but it does and it's not fair. And tonight he's going to talk to Draco about it because it's ridiculous and it needs to stop. Which is why he's thinking about how to broach the subject with Draco when he walks through the dungeon wall into the deserted Slytherin common room. It takes Blaise a full thirty seconds before he sees Hermione perched upon a dark mahogany study table in the far corner, her legs wrapped around Draco's waist and her lips glued to Draco's.
"What the damn hell is wrong with you two?" Blaise exclaims, dropping his leather satchel on the floor. But to his dismay, they don't even register his presence. Just carry on, seemingly oblivious to anything around them. "This is bloody disgusting." He wails, flopping onto one of the dark leather sofas in front of the fire. "Why is it always me?" He hears a door close in the hallway to the girl's dormitory, and Pansy walks into the common room with a roll of parchment and a quill.
"Oh good, you're here Blaise. I was hoping you would read through my Charms essay?" She asks, coming to sit next to him on the sofa.
Blaise gestures in the direction of Draco and Hermione. "I'm surprised you can even concentrate with the spectacle going on over there."
Pansy gives him a confused look, her blue eyes squinting at him. "Spectacle? Honestly Blaise, they're just studying."
Blaise scoffs at her before turning back to look at the two of them. Draco and Hermione are seated across from one another, both studiously involved in their own Charms essay. While Pansy isn't looking, Draco looks up and meets Blaise's eyes smirking at him. The fucking nerve.
"Are you alright Blaise? You're glaring into space again."
"I swear on Salazar's balls that they were snogging not two seconds ago."
Pansy stares blankly at him for a second, cocks her head, and then looks at Draco. "No, I don't think so." She says as she stands up from the couch and crosses the common room to slide smoothly onto Draco's lap. "He's still to wrapped up in me to stray very far. Isn't that right darling?" She flicks her short blonde hair out of her face and plants a kiss on his cheek.
"C'mon Pans, you know you're special to me." Draco says, rubbing her leg.
Blaise can see Hermione's shoulders stiffen and her hand fist around her quill before hearing her mutter "you fucking pig." And the next thing Pansy is dumped off of Draco's lap as he stands dramatically, hands splayed on the table, head bowed like "what did you just call me?"
"I called you a pig." Hermione says, also standing in an attempt to even out the difference in height, even if the attempt was in vain. Pansy chose this moment to move a safer distance away and return to her spot next to Blaise, sensing the storm about to break.
"Like you're one to talk." Draco says, pointing a finger at her. "Harry and Ron are just the best guys to have around. We're so close." He says in an alarmingly good impression of Hermione. "I just don't know what I'd have done without them all these years."
"I do not sound like that." She screeches, smacking him on the shoulder.
"See?" Says Pansy. "They can't even get through one study session without ending up in a row, let alone snogging."
Blaise just gives her a look like, this is all your fault, before picking up his bag and standing up. "You're ruining my life and it's just not fair." He says to Draco and Hermione, who both, simultaneously, say "Shut up Blaise" before resuming their argument without missing a beat.
Pansy's face is swimming in front of his with a look of horror on her face. "Are you crying?"
"I'm in mourning." He says, managing a watery glare at her.
"For what?" She has to raise her voice to be heard over the sound of Hermione calling Draco a narrow minded daddy's boy.
"The death of my sanity." He says, as Draco screams like, "Everybody knows I prefer my mother Granger honestly get with the bloody program, like, good grief."
"Oh for fuck's sake." Pansy says, grabbing his hand and towing him down the corridor to his dormitory, the sounds of a quickly escalating argument echoing behind them. "And you thought you saw them snogging. Please."
After another week, Blaise is just so. Done.
He's walking to dinner, when he comes across Ron and Harry exiting the library like Hagrid's giant three-headed dog was chasing them. Again. "What's going on?" He asks, snagging Harry by the back of his robes.
"Hermione just started a massive row with Draco in there." He says, looking apprehensively back at the library doors. "Madam Pince has already gone down to dinner, so we thought it would be best just to let them sort things out themselves."
"More like if we'd stayed, one of the books Hermione had shooting across the room at Draco would have taken my head off." Ron says, rubbing his neck nervously. "It's bloody scary."
Blaise stares at them with a weary expression before wordlessly letting go of Harry and turning to face the library doors. Taking a deep, bracing breath, he opens the library doors and walks in, glancing around the room quickly. All is quiet.
And then he sees why and Blaise feels his heart just give up and stop. He has just enough time to see Draco on top of Hermione on a library table with far less clothing than usual on either one of them before he closes his eyes and shouts "You're like, literally¸ doing it. This has got to end." He opens his eyes just wide enough to see Draco flip him the bird and carry on what he was doing to Hermione that had her gasping beneath him.
Back out in the corridor Blaise turns and walks back to the dungeons, running into Ginny who looks at him puzzled like "Aren't you coming to dinner?"
"I've just seen Draco and Hermione literally doing it in the library. Eating is the last thing I want to do. I need to contemplate what I did in a past life to deserve this."
"Hmmm…sounds fun. Wanna give it a go next?"
Blaise stares blankly at her for a full five seconds. "I'm sorry, I can't take any more."
She tilts her head to the side, questioningly. "Any more of what?"
"Life." He says, walking away.
Ginny stares after him for a moment, shrugs, and continues down to dinner, laughing at the idea of Draco and Hermione doing anything other than try and physically maim each other.
"I'm begging you. Literally, begging you, to entertain the idea that our best friends are actually dating each other." Blaise says, whispering to Harry during Transfiguration. Normally he avoids socializing with others outside of his house, but recent events have made him desperate. Between walking in on them doing it in the library a few nights ago and walking past them snogging in the middle of the sixth floor corridor—honestly how did they not get caught by anyone else ever?—Blaise could not take it anymore. He was determined to get someone to believe him. He figured that appealing to the boy with the hero complex was his best bet. "I mean, if this continues, Draco is going to destroy her."
Harry seemed to mull this over for a minute. "Okay, I'll talk to her tonight."
Blaise sighed, shooting a wary glance at McGonagall before saying "Thanks."
It's probably because of this that Hermione shows up at the Slytherin common room the next night, looking murderous. Draco, to Blaise's complete relief, shows up at that moment coming from the boy's dormitory, Pansy in tow.
Blaise isn't prepared for what happens next.
Hermione walks across the room and slaps Draco across the face without a word. Pansy stares at Hermione in shock, while Draco rubs his cheek and looks down slowly at Hermione. "What the bloody hell was that for Granger?"
"You told Harry that you would destroy me so that he would try and get me to stop seeing you?'
"Wait, what?" Draco looks completely confused, which Blaise isn't surprised at in the slightest. He had hoped that talking to Harry would produce something like this. He sinks slowly into a leather armchair to watch what happens, Pansy perching on the arm of his chair, wisely moving out of the way.
"I mean honestly, Draco, if you wanted to stop seeing me you could have at least told me to my face." She crosses her arms, glaring at him fiercely. "Coward." At the precise moment she says this, Harry, Ron and Ginny nearly fall through the wall into the common room, no doubt to try and prevent murder from happening.
"What did you say to her?!" Draco whirls on Harry, looking thunderous.
Harry doesn't say anything, choosing instead to point at Blaise.
Both Draco and Hermione turn to look at him. "I don't know what you're talking about. You guys aren't even dating." He says innocently.
"Of course we're bloody dating!" Draco shrieks dramatically. Blaise registers the shocked faces of Ron, Ginny, and Harry. Pansy doesn't move. "You are the literal worst friend."
"Well we're not anymore." Says Hermione, still looking enraged.
"That's bollocks. Of course we are."
"Oh we are? Please, enlighten me."
"I fucking love you woman. It would be ridiculous to stop dating now." A sort of stunned silence fills the room after Draco's declaration. Not even Hermione has anything to say. Of course, that could have also been because she was suddenly busy with Draco's lips on hers.
"Well I think that just about sorts things." Blaise says, standing from his chair. "Anyone else fancy a jog down to the kitchens for some ice cream?" He looks at Pansy and the group of Gryffindors, who are all still staring at the sight of Draco and Hermione, now unabashedly snogging. He gently herds them out through the common room wall. "Don't worry, you'll eventually get used to it." He says, smiling to himself.
"Just one question Blaise." Ginny says. "Why the hell didn't you say something sooner?"
Blaise collapses against a wall, staggering under the weight of the injustice of it all. "I hate you all."