He isn't going to give it much thought, write it down, or even try and make it sound eloquent or anything. He's going to just close his door, sit on his bed, and say the first thing that comes to him because it's all right there, all on the tip of his tongue, as it has been for years. He'll remind Cas of all things Dean has already told him and some things he's been too chicken shit to say until now.
He's going to do this because his best friend, his angel is gone, lost in some nightmare that's part of Lucifer's control. Powerless. And as Dean hears those words again, shouting at him as if he's still in front of him, all the reasons Cas made that choice, Dean feels the burning in his stomach worsen.
It hurts. It fucking hurts.
For all the years he's known Cas, he had just assumed it was a given, like he knew all along how Dean felt about him. Dean's even thought maybe he'd crossed the line once or twice, acting too clingy like Cas' goddamned husband, or something. They'd fight, bicker, disagree about so many things, and at the end of the day, neither one of them would have it any other way. They were friends, but so much more than that. They were bonded.
Dean's coldness towards Cas wasn't intentional. He hated every second of it, but his run-ins with Amara had left him so lost, ashamed, and most of all scared to death that she could have so much control over him. Her mind invading his, pulling out anything resembling free will, and leaving him in some kind of trance. A trance that would break here and there, but not enough for Dean's liking. Not enough for him to trust that he could regain his will at any given moment.
And after spending two years with something that started twisting him into exactly what this darkness energy is, knowing what he did in those last days, hurting Cas, beating his angel in the bunker, well, the fear that he could be under some sort of control like that again, almost paralyzes him.
He doesn't want to be distant with Cas, especially after everything, after all the crap over the years, they deserve better. He just wants to get back to how they were. To pal around again, laugh with him, make jokes he won't ever get, explain things to him like why people don't recognize Superman when he's Clark Kent, because it's these little things, these tiny slivers in their time together that Dean misses. Sure, they make a great team when hunting. Team Free Will rides again. But it's the downtime, the easy conversations while watching a movie together, or riding around in the Impala that he wants back.
Fear is tricky, and it causes people to either act irrationally or completely withdraw, and that is exactly what Dean's been doing and now, fuck ... now that Cas is gone, Dean feels that cruel slap in the face, stinging his flesh.
Breaking his heart.
I should have told him. He should have known.
His room is quiet when he settles down on his mattress. He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his arms over them, bringing his hands together. I can do this. I have to do this.
Dean clears his throat and ignores the growing lump in it, threatening to choke him. "Cas, wherever you are, if you can hear me, I-I need to tell you something."
He draws in a shaky breath.
"I get why you did it. I do. Shit, if anyone knows how it feels to think they're unimportant, I could write a damn book about it, but Cas... I remember when we first met and the look on your face when you realized that I never really thought that I deserved to be saved. Remember that, Cas?"
Dean smiles at the memory. A bittersweet reminder of a time when Cas was so new to him, a winged enigma that came crashing into his life and blew his damn mind.
"You were the first person to ever actually make me question it all. Like, maybe I do matter, maybe I am important and good. Saving people had always felt heroic, yeah, and I knew I was doing the right thing, but you, Cas... all the sacrifices, all the times you chose me over Heaven..."
He closes his eyes, seeing it all again. His rebellion in the green room, his breaking Naomi's control, and of course giving up a goddamned angel army for him.
" Don't lose it over one man..."
"Me, Cas... you chose me . I could never, well, I could never even find the words to tell you what that all meant to me... means to me."
His eyes begin to blur so he rubs them with his thumbs, hoping he doesn't lose his shit before finishing this prayer. Dean's throat is tight, his chest hurts, and with a quivering lip, he continues.
"I always said you were family and that's still true. It's just lately, with this darkness, Cas, it's been freaking me out, man. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, or Sam, and she scares me so fucking much. If anything should happen to you two... because of me..."
A tear falls.
Dammit, not yet Dean. Hold it together!
"Anyway, I'm prayin' here because I want you to know that you've always meant so much to me, Cas. And no, it never had anything to do with your powers, although sure, that came in handy, but it was always just about you."
"Cas, you're my best friend, my-my angel, mojo or not. You think I liked it when you weren't around? When you'd disappear for weeks, or get tangled up in Heaven's bullshit from time to time? I fucking hated it. I like when you're here, when you're around me and Sam."
He's seeing Cas now walking around the bunker in his socks, asking Dean if he needs anything, and when Dean would tell him he's fine, he'd knock on Sam's door and ask him the same thing. Dean won't deny the utter joy he felt seeing Cas like this. Content. Comfortable. Home.
"I'm happy you're living here with us now, even if it's just to sit with us at dinner, or help me go through all those stupid filing cabinets for information on crap, or even just to watch Netflix."
He smiles, recalling Cas watching Psych and wondering why so many people on that show look familiar to him.
"I just need you to know that without you, I'd be so fucking lost. Hell, I have been, those times when I thought you were gone forever, or in Purgatory when I knew I had to find you."
He cringes at that memory. Cas let go... he felt like he didn't deserve to live. His heart aches even more.
"You're a hero, Cas. You throw yourself into the fire every damn time and I know I'd given you a hard time about it in the past, but truth is, I just don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I n-need you, Cas. I need you and I-"
I should say it but can I? I haven't said said those words to anyone other than my mom.
Fuck it.
"I love you. Okay? I'm telling you because it's true and I've imagined telling you like a thousand times," Dean laughs, lightly as he wipes the tears from his eyes.
"Whatever it means, Cas, whatever this is, I need you back here so we can figure that out, okay?"
He's staring at the ceiling now, picturing Cas looking down at him, those blue eyes burning through his soul.
"Come back, Cas. Please. And if you can't, I won't stop trying to get you back. You know that. I won't ever stop."
Dean lowers his head and sighs, letting the tears fall freely now. He said it all, he told Cas everything, and for the first time in what seems like forever, he feels lighter. He doesn't know if Cas even heard him, but if there's a snowball's chance he did, then he imagines his cute little smile on his face and that puppy dog look he'd give him whenever Dean would say something that moved him. It would make Dean blush so goddamned much, he'd have to turn away before his face ignited.
Dean straightens his legs and rests his head on his pillow. Closing his eyes, he thinks of all the times they had together. All those times Dean now feels he took for granted. He'll get him back and when he does, he'll never let him go, again.