Disclaimer: I don't own anything used in the show
Hey, all! This is a nail-biter. Unfortunately, you're not going to like me very much for this one. Don't believe me? I have three words for you: Major Character Death. I went there. Yes, I did. Blame the muse, people. A scene from this story just came to me one day, and ideas came quicker than I could get them down. Just try to give it a chance. It's sad, yes, but it's also strange and funny and a bit of an adventure. It's definitely a story I thought was worth telling. AU S5 without the kiss/ relationship. Rated T for topic & mild adult language. Nicole never existed. Fyi, I have no intention of offending anyone or their beliefs, & this doesn't necessarily reflect mine. Just keep in mind this is fiction. Story is complete & I broke it into chapters because of the length (43,000 words). Enjoy the story, Readers. :)
Angels in Blue Baseball Caps
Edge of Nowhere
February 2, 2005
Lorelai shut her eyes and breathed. Her alarm clock had just pulled her from sleep, and she was seconds from rising and going about her day.
The mornings were bad.
Nighttime brought dreams. Fashioned realism. Misconceptions. All things she wished to cling to. But clinging wasn't an option when night turned to day. The shrill sound of her clock demanded cognizance and with that, an unsympathetic shove into the surreal-like abyss of reality.
Mornings were awfully bad.
Tears stung her eyes. The effort it took to fight them back gave her an instant headache. Only a few fell before the numbness came and stopped them cold. The numbness led her to open her eyes and stare lifelessly at the ceiling of her bedroom as she caught a better breath. Though an emotional parasite, the numbness was needed. It hadn't been there day one and two. It was nowhere to be found as Lorelai lay in the very bed she now occupied with an inability to do anything but weep. Day one and two made her wish for death. Made her wish for death even when the most important person in her life had laid down next to her and cried her own tears of sorrow while whispering to her to please get up and be the strong mom because she was needed. That lack of numbness made that plea fall on deaf ears as immeasurable pain left her quaking and sobbing.
She would have lay there and cried through the funeral had it not been for the numbness.
But she made the funeral.
Sat through the most unmockable funeral service of her life. Hugged a crying Rory. Leaned forward and rubbed the shoulder of a grieving sister and nephew. Listened to wails and shouts and pleas of "No" and "why" and "oh, god". She didn't shed a tear. The numbness had her back. Led her to help a weak and wobbly Liz to the podium as she eulogized her only brother. Made for a solid frame as Liz turned and buried her face in her shoulder midway through, leaving Lorelai to finish the last two lines of what was written. She rubbed her hand soothingly along Liz's back as she broke down in the worst way. Lorelai looked down past the microphone and into the crowd where there wasn't one dry eye in the overflowing church. Jess was a mess. Kirk was a mess. Sookie's tears had even gotten Davy scared and upset.
She only sighed and continued to comfort Luke's little sister.
It was a sad day, that day. The saddest of them all since the actual day of the accident. About a thousand times, Lorelai had questioned the universe as to how a person's life could change in an instant. A thousand times that would surely be followed by ten thousand more.
How could laughter fill one minute and inescapable pain, the next?
Before the numbness became her ally, Lorelai had only that night. There would never be a detail out of place or a word forgotten given how many times she'd relived the scene. Kneeled next to Luke, covered in his blood, she'd been one of the last to experience him alive.
January 13, 2005
"I-I can't fee…I can't feel my legs."
Voices from those near enough to touch sounded distant as she struggled to make sense of her reality. She pressed her hand over a deep puncture wound in his side that was gushing blood. She pressed hard and focused on his words.
"It's going to be okay, okay? They're calling for help now." Townies were everywhere. A few kneeled a short distance away wanting to help but scared to help. They gave Lorelai room. She'd been the first at his side. Had been the first to make a move when she had no idea what move to make. Other townies had turned away and saw fit to make an already scary situation even scarier by crying and screaming like banshees. Most others were on cell phones checking status of the ambulance and, of course, passing along news of the tragedy to other town members.
She managed to look back to Luke with a reassuring smile. "Cell phones to the rescue. Pretty ironic, huh?"
Violent tremors passed through his body. He fought for control. "Y-ye-yeah, I guess th-th-they aren't so bad." He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw so tight, veins popped out of his neck.
Lorelai felt sudden fear and panic. She forced herself to pull it together. "Hey, hey," she whispered. He opened his eyes and blinked repeatedly at the sky. "Stay with me, okay?" she encouraged with calm.
He nodded quickly. "That's the plan." His eyes never left the sky. His breathing heightened as more and more of his blood poured onto the sidewalk. "I c-can't feel my legs," he said again. He swallowed. "Is something on t-t-them?"
Lorelai looked down his body and she swallowed deeply when she saw the abnormal angle of both his legs. Her eyes went back to his. "They're fine," she lied with a cracking voice.
He looked at her. "B-bad liar." He took a second and made a supreme effort to gain control of his shaking. It didn't work, but he went on speaking anyway. "They're in the m-m-m…m-middle of the street somew-where, aren't they?"
Lorelai smiled but looked about ready to cry. "No, they're there. Just try to relax, okay?" Tears filled her eyes and she blinked them away like they were poisonous.
The motorcycle engine was distracting. In remembering that night, Lorelai recalled how she'd wished someone would shut off the fucking bike. It'd plowed through the ice cream shop after slamming into Luke. And that still hadn't been enough to cut its engine. The impaired driver, who'd lost control and fallen from the bike prior to impact, was injured but still up and walking. The large group had just exited the town meeting when the motorcyclist had come racing through the square. Even through the panic, all seemed capable of discerning the bike's path. The driver hit the pavement and everyone raced away from the skidding bike. Everyone except Taylor. Luke had come back and rammed his body into him just in time. Taylor sailed several feet away and landed on the sidewalk face-first. But it was too late for Luke.
"I feel like I-I'm losing a lo-lot of blood."
Lorelai shook her head. "It seems worse than it is, Luke. This is…" Her hand eased off the wound when she thoughtlessly made a move to wipe away fresh tears using her shoulder. Blood squirted out before she corrected her mistake and applied firmer pressure. "Um, t-this is not that bad," she finished.
He appeared to be falling asleep, slipping out of consciousness. Even seemed delirious. Through all that pain and goriness, he smiled and opened his heavy lids to the sky yet again. "More lies," he stated.
She leaned closer when the noise from the crowd grew louder. "You have to stay with me, Luke. Stay awake. Please."
He started nodding off and she called out to him, making him snap back awake. "Listen to…me…" He breathed with exhaustion. "If don't m-make it…"
"What are you—"
"Make sure…" He closed his eyes for a long, tired moment. "I have to make sure that all my…"
"Don't you dare start thinking that."
"I have a lawyer…and everything is…so just make sure t-that…"
She shook her head, tried to shake away the tears that'd started leaking from her eyes again. "I'm not listening to this."
He shook his head tiredly. "Lorelai, please. Liz…number kitchen drawer. Tell her I said…tell her…"
"Tell her yourself," she instructed soundly.
"What's he saying?"
Lorelai's red, teary eyes went up to Andrew who had leaned in closer in an effort to hear Luke. She shook her head. "He's delirious," she relayed weakly.
He nodded and backed away slowly and respectfully.
Luke turned his head and watched Andrew and the rest of the people there with his glazed, drooping eyes. His head fell back to the side where Lorelai stooped and he blinked to get a better visual. She was fading away. He gave up and looked back toward the sky. "S-sorry I got blood on your dress. Y-you looked so nice." He smiled. "Really pretty," he said distantly. His shaking lessened.
She stared into his eyes and felt panicked as his body grew more still. His eyes slowly closed. "Luke." She shook him, but nothing happened. "Luke! Stay with me, damn it!" She shook him again as the levee broke and she started to sob uncontrollably. "Open your eyes; you have to open your eyes! Please, god, open your eyes. Wake up! Open your eyes now, please, Luke!"
Patty, Andrew, Bootsie, and other familiar faces came closer and tried to encourage her to back away as her emotions got the best of her. She ignored them until she felt hands touch her shoulder. "Get off of me!" she cried. They jumped in shock but only took their hands away. Didn't back away. They spoke words that she couldn't hear through her own emotional hell. "Open your eyes, Luke! God, please, don't do this to me!" She made herself stop. Made herself think. Her eyes closed and her lips moved as she quickly recalled the steps to CPR. Only took a couple seconds before her eyes popped open and she jumped into action. Thirty compressions. Tilt head. Mouth-to-mouth, eyes on chest. Watch for rise and fall and breathe again. Thirty compressions…
He responded. Came to but was so weak, he lost consciousness soon after. He kept breathing, though. Lorelai begged him to hold on and not give up.
The ambulance arrived two minutes later and they took it from there. As Lorelai later came to find out, her immediate actions kept him from bleeding out before paramedics got there.
Given the severity of his injuries, however, Luke died shortly after arriving to the hospital.
Liz/ Jess were his immediate family, and they were notified right away.
The town knew within the hour.
Stars Hollow was like a ghost town that following day. Businesses didn't open. Joggers didn't jog. And dark clouds took over the sky, refusing to let the sun shine.
Luke Danes was dead.
After the funeral, everyone tried their best to get back to what was normal. Lorelai wasn't excluded from that. She returned to the grind and made an effort to maintain her spirits. Thoughts of Luke made her inattentive at times, but when brought back, she was okay. The numbness made sure of that.
February 2, 2005
Now, at three weeks in, Lorelai lay there in bed wondering if there would ever be a day when she wouldn't have to summon the feeling that made her unable to feel. Every morning upon waking, Luke would be her first thought. And pain would seem to wrap itself around her every nerve, her every organ, threatening to paralyze them. Then, suddenly and gratefully, she'd be instantly anesthetized. And her day would start. She couldn't imagine living the rest of her days like the past month, though. She knew at some point, she'd have to face things full on, and she only hoped that all the time gone by would have taken some of the edge off.
Lorelai wiped away the fallen tears and stood. She went to her closet and shoved aside the darker colors, which had carried her through the first two weeks and instead eyed the dresses that didn't signify mourning and depression. She'd begun to brighten up her attire days ago and only saw it as inspiration for her mental self.
She took a long, unrushed shower as had become her routine—her preparation for a day of being normal and unaffected. Despite it being yet another day with personal proof that no one knew when their time was, and in the end, everyone was just born to die.
Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
"Morning, Honey."
Lorelai offered a smile to her best friend as she entered the Dragonfly. As was also routine now, she'd gotten through her morning ritual and had made it to the inn in a virtual daze. Just another checkmark on the old to-do list.
"Hey, Gorgeous. Loving the lipstick," she said with an impressed regard. "Jackson's still in the picture, isn't he? You haven't kicked him to the curb and jumped on the prowl, have you?"
Sookie waved away the words. "No, he's still my hunka hunka burning love. For now. No telling what's going to happen if I get home and he still hasn't done those dishes he's been promising to do since yesterday afternoon."
She walked over to the check-in desk where Sookie was standing and proceeded to deposit some things behind the counter. "Well, I'm sure he'll get to them right away now. I can bet he doesn't want to miss out on his good behavior lovin', what with you looking all glowy and pretty-like."
Sookie laughed and flipped her curls. "Well, I have to turn it on every now and then. At least that's what chapter eight of the Temptressing for Dummies handbook tells me."
"Wait til you hit chapter ten: Why God Really Made Knees. It'll give you a whole new outlook."
"Can't wait," she responded with chuckles. She took in Lorelai's wear. "You look pretty nice yourself, there, Miss Bright and Beautiful."
Lorelai smiled. "We're so good for each other's self-esteem."
"Seriously. Who needs a man's approval when you have a friend like Lorelai?"
"Or Sookie."
"Sucks for everybody without one of us."
"Chumps."
Sookie admired her further. "It's so nice to see you coming back out, Sweetie. Ya know…you," she stressed. She took a breath. "It's just really nice."
Lorelai took interest in straightening desk items. "Yeah. Well…the off-to-meet-the-pope look has to end at some point, right?" she lightly joked.
Sookie smiled a little. "But just so you know, it's okay to not be fine. I mean, of course it's okay…I mean, none of the rest of us are 'fine'," she said with air quotes as she rambled on. "So, no one's expecting any certain kind of…anything. We're all just taking things one day at a time, and hey, if person A wants to wear black, person A is more than welcome to do that. Everybody grieves in their own…" She took a breath and rolled her eyes at herself. "Okay, this is me shutting up."
Lorelai had continued to busy herself with mundane tasks through that whole monologue. When Sookie finally reached an end, she smiled toward the stapler she was now filling. "It's okay, Sook," she said in short.
"I talk too much."
"You talk just enough."
"No, no, I talk and talk, and I don't know how to stop myself, and I end up saying the wrong thing, and I just really have to learn to control that better."
Lorelai pushed the stapler aside and turned to her friend. "Hey, you know what I just remembered?"
"What?"
She looked off thoughtfully. "I told Michel that I'd bring the card for that dog grooming place right outside of Hartford. Babette took Cinnamon there once to get his nails filed."
"Took her cat to dog grooming?"
"Yeah, the dogs welcomed him with open furry little arms, but they told him not to make a habit of it. Anyway, I promised Michel I'd bring it today, and I forgot, so I think I'm going to run back home and grab that." She leaned low and grabbed her purse and then her workbag to take into her office.
Sookie turned in the direction that she'd begun to walk. "Oh…okay. Y-you just got here, though. You can wait until your lunch hour if it's more convenient. I mean, it's only Michel."
Lorelai kept walking. "Promise is a promise, you know? Woman's only as good as her promise. Get to breaking promises, and then comes the feeling of despair, I'll start questioning my purpose, feeling useless, and before you know it, I'll be the Courtney Love of Connecticut."
"Oh, wow. Definitely don't want that."
"Yeah, I know. So, I'm going to run home, and I'll be back before you even notice I'm gone."
"Alright, Hon. See you in a bit," Sookie followed with concern in her voice. It wasn't hard to gather that Lorelai always seemed to go missing when she'd inadvertently bring up Luke's passing in any conversation. Any taboo topic caused Sookie's mind to zoom in on it, so she'd alluded to that painful reminder often in the past few weeks.
Lorelai disappeared around the corner. Popped in her office and popped right back out as she quickly headed for the exit. She waved to Sookie and was out the door in a flash.
Sookie hit her forehead with her hand and headed off in her own direction.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Lorelai made it inside of the crapshack. Closed the door and leaned on it. Wanted to feel like she was in a safe haven but got the facts when she looked around her living space. She was only at home. Nothing had changed at home.
Luke was dead at work.
Luke was dead at home.
The one constant she needed to escape and couldn't. Luke was dead and had been for three weeks. There was no waking up from that nightmare.
Numbness didn't hide the facts. Didn't stop the truth from smothering her.
She took a deep breath and moved out of the foyer. The business card that she'd journeyed home for was in the single drawer of the desk beside the door. She bypassed that and made a beeline to the kitchen.
The sun had moved to its early morning position and had her kitchen painted a distinct orangish yellow.
She pulled a glass from the cabinet and filled it with tap water. She drank just enough to wet her throat before she set it down and stared through the window. The grass seemed to grow right before her eyes. It was way too long, which was nothing new, except now she had no one to hound her about getting it cut before finally giving up and cutting it himself.
Everywhere she looked, it was something. Something else that served as a blunt reminder.
She frowned at the yard, absently picked up the glass of water, and splashed the remainder of it into the sink. Her indelicate maneuver caused water to splatter across the stomach of her dress as well as on the floor.
"Perfect," she whispered.
She dropped the glass into the sink and took a moment to calm herself when she felt the strong desire to pick it back up and throw it across the kitchen. She didn't need outside evaluation to determine that wasn't a healthy reaction to something so small.
The numbness definitely had its side effects.
Pulling at the wet area of her dress, she turned to head upstairs. Figured she'd use her blow dryer to fix the problem quickly.
She grabbed a small towel on the way and began trying to soak up the excess water. While crossing through the living room and focusing on the spot, she caught sight of something in her peripheral view. She stopped but wasn't in a rush to turn full attention to what was there because it had appeared to be a someone, rather than a something.
Using only a second to brace herself, she looked over past the television and to the side door. There, in all his glory, all his familiarity—everything from the backwards baseball cap to the facial fuzz and downplayed blue eyes—stood Luke.
Lorelai stared across the room at him. She squinted her eyes, blinked her eyes, widened them, and squeezed them shut all to no avail. He remained. So, she ended up staring. And staring and staring. Didn't know if she should be screaming…running…grabbing a Bible and going for the phone to get Tangina on the first flight out.
Was she dead? Had she died, too?
The doorbell rang. Lorelai continued to stare at Luke. Didn't move or breathe.
He stared at her as well. Stood in front of that side door casually with his hands at his sides like he had every right in the world to be there.
When the doorbell rang again, he looked toward the window, which showed the driveway. He returned eyes to her still frozen frame in the next moment. "Skip," he said.
She didn't respond. Still didn't move and was going for a record in holding her breath. Numbness in effect, she still felt the incontrollable urge to cry at hearing a voice that sounded like one she thought she'd never hear again.
How wrong was it to embrace a psychotic break?
The bell rung three times in succession. Lorelai looked over on instinct. Looked back over to the side door and found no one there. She looked around, scanned the room. Hit a 90, a 180, and then a full 360 before doing it again.
She swallowed, finally breathed. She grasped the towel in both hands and transferred the dampness in her palms as she quickly ran over to the front door. When she pulled open the door, the mail carrier, Skip, greeted her with a smile.
She had to catch herself before her legs gave out.
"Hey, Lorelai!" he exclaimed. "I didn't think you were home." He pulled some mail from his bag and passed it to her. "This is the last of the late deliveries from Tuesday. Wanted to get all this straightened out as soon as possible, so this should put us back on track," he said brightly as he passed over the mail from the previous day when all mail had been held and delayed due to an issue at the postal service.
She took it from him.
"Are you okay?" he asked with concern. "Looks like you've seen a gh-"
"You didn't have to make a special run for this, Skip," she said cutting him off. "You could've brought it with my regular delivery. Would've been fine."
"I know. But I really wanted to set this right. Wouldn't want any late notices arriving on my account. Avery will be by in a few hours with today's mail."
"Well, I really appreciate it, Hon."
"No problem, Lorelai." He gave her a courteous nod and started for the stairs. "Take care."
Lorelai closed the door and turned in slow motion toward the rest of the house. With a measured sweep, she took in the area little by little. She looked, took a step, looked, took another step, and did that until she was back in the living room and able to see the majority of the downstairs area.
No one was there.
She stood in the middle of the floor and listened to the quiet. Waited to hear his voice or a footstep. Heard nothing. She continued to scan every nook and cranny with her eyes for five full minutes before the cold wetness on her stomach reminded her that she needed to get presentable once again so she could head back to the inn.
With one final look around, she grasped the banister and ascended the stairs.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 3, 2005
The next day, Lorelai parked on the opposite side of Doose's and cut her jeep off.
She had been getting her groceries from elsewhere for three weeks. The proximity of the store to the diner was just too much to handle. That, and she hadn't been ready to interact with Taylor Doose. She held no resentment toward him. No ill will.
But Luke had sacrificed his life to save Taylor's. She didn't wish for anyone to switch places. Not at all. Taylor deserved his life just as much as Luke deserved his. But she couldn't keep from entertaining the question of why he couldn't get the hell out of the way when everyone else had enough sense to. If he had better reflexes, Luke wouldn't have had to go back for him.
In a roundabout way, she felt Taylor was the reason Luke was dead.
Lorelai thought it best to work out all of those mental kinks before fully facing Taylor again. He didn't deserve odd looks and repressed accusation. Nobody deserved that.
As she sat in her jeep, she peered into the store and saw town members inside shopping. She spotted Taylor walking toward the register and didn't have any sort of adverse reaction to any of it. Feeling soothed at that realization, she slowly brought her attention to the diner.
It was early afternoon, and the people inside were just beginning to multiply. Caesar was running the diner. It'd come as an instant and easy solution to Liz. After Luke's death, she'd been the one to accrue the bulk of his estate. Along with that came the bulk of his responsibilities. She'd considered closing the diner because, in short, she didn't want to deal with the cumbersome duties that'd fall to her if she kept it going. She was a simple girl with not much business sense, and on top of that, she was a sister in mourning who didn't care for the additional stress.
Caesar's stint as Luke's second in command had him knowledgeable of all day-to-day tasks, so when he expressed both willingness and capability, Liz gave him the go-ahead. What he didn't know, he figured it out as he went, and for more than three weeks, he'd been running the diner just as smoothly as its owner had.
Lorelai, however, hadn't been anywhere near it since the night Luke's life was taken.
She honestly didn't know why she suddenly felt she'd come far enough to test her boundaries. What she saw the previous day in her living room was no doubt the leading force behind the visit, but being there reminded her of why she avoided the area. Looking through the familiar windows from the safety of her jeep, she felt frozen to her seat. There was no way she was ready for that particular step.
Luke's no longer had a Luke.
She turned the key and drove away.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 3, 2005
"Are you comfortable?"
Lorelai readjusted the pillow under her head and pulled the blanket all the way up to her chin as she snuggled into Sookie's sofa. But not before pulling a squishy green furry toy from between the cushions and tossing it to the floor. "Ah, I'm in heaven," she exaggerated.
Sookie laughed. "You know where everything is, so don't be afraid to make yourself at home."
"Noted. If I had a hat, I'd be laying it down as we speak."
"Alright, Sweetie, I'm going to turn in." She folded her arms across her tied robe. "Just to be absolutely, positively, one hundred percent sure-"
Lorelai smiled. "Yes, Sookie, I'm fine. My house is fine. I just wanted some company." She shrugged. "I mean, last night was so fun, I couldn't resist being the lonely, pathetic, single intruding friend for another night. Who could? Satellite, homemade snacks galore, girl talk until the wee hours of…" She looked at the clock, "nine-thirty..." They both laughed. "What more could a girl ask for?"
"True. But yesterday morning, you went home to grab something for Michel, and every since then, it's like you've been trying to avoid going-"
"Sookie, you're my best friend."
"Well, I sure hope so."
"You don't have to hope. You are. Period. It's you and Rory. I wore out my welcome in Rory's dorm in the first two weeks of college, so now I have you and Jackson. Sleepovers and mooching are how I show my best friends that I love them. Stop being so ungrateful, will you?"
Sookie grinned and rolled her eyes at the same time. "I'll try to be a better best friend for you," she replied sarcastically.
"Atta girl."
She turned away with laughter as Lorelai called behind her, "In all seriousness, thanks for letting me crash again," she said genuinely.
"Anytime."
When Sookie left the room, Lorelai sank back down into the cushions and focused on the television as she recalled Luke's appearance in her living room the morning before. She hadn't shared it with anyone. What in the hell would she even say? So she'd just kept it to herself and dealt with it in the best way she knew how: by not dealing with it at all.
She couldn't avoid it forever, though. And she couldn't keep sleeping over at Sookie's without more staidly questions coming her way. She resigned herself to the fact that she'd be back in the crapshack the following night. And with any luck, she wouldn't be in the crazy house by week's end.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 4, 2005
Lorelai sat at her kitchen table the very next night with seven Chinese cartons filled with food in front of her. That had become her meal of choice since Luke's turned into a non-option.
She sat there stiff as a board in her own home. Every ten seconds, she'd survey the room. She had come in from work close to an hour ago and now, found that she couldn't fully enjoy her meal because of the constant paranoia. All lights were on downstairs, but the closer it got the one-hour mark, the sillier she felt.
Luke was not alive. He was dead. An appearance from him in her living room would have surely been her own imagination at work. She missed him enough; that was for sure. He'd infiltrated her life more than she knew. When she saw him unable to escape from the path of that bike, she felt the strongest jolt of her heart. It couldn't have hurt less had someone just ripped a chunk of it away. And then when he died…
She missed him every second. Creating ghostly doppelgangers was an easy solution and she wouldn't put it past her state of mind.
Lorelai relaxed at the table. She made herself focus solely on her food until she'd had her fill. She proceeded to gather the leftovers for storage, and when done, she set the dishes she'd used in the sink to be washed later. She went around and flipped each light that she didn't normally have on and then plopped herself on the sofa with an Elle magazine, the remote, and a bag of cheese puffs.
The Golden Girls theme song started to play, and she hummed along as she flipped to the first page of her magazine. Bopping her head, she started singing aloud.
"Traveled down the road and back again; your heart is true; you're a pal and a confidante…. and the card attached would say, 'thank you for being a friend'."
Something made her look up from the magazine and over to the laz-e-boy. A presence was felt. And when she looked over, a presence was found.
Luke sat there tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair as he looked at her.
Lorelai took on full stillness as she processed the image that was, once again, coming through to her. Her eyes flitted to the TV as she attempted to test the theory that diverting attention would make her snap back to reality. It didn't work.
She slowly closed the page of her magazine as she looked at him intensely. "I know you're not really here."
He didn't say anything.
"There's no way that this can really be happening."
With steady and heedful movements, she sat the magazine and cheese puffs on the table in front of her and then scooted towards the opposite end of the sofa. Far the hell away from him.
"I'm just going to move…down this way. And you're going to…go away. You're going to disappear. As soon as possible." She got to the other end and sat as close as she could to the arm of the couch. She moved her eyes to the TV and fought to keep them there. Everything in her wanted to drink in the likeness of the ghostly man on her left.
She saw out of the corner of her eye when Luke went away, but she refused to look away from the TV.
Lorelai felt herself shaking. "He's not real…he's not real…he's not real…he's not real…" Suddenly, she looked away from the TV and around the room. "Not real. Not real…" she whispered. She brought her feet up onto the couch and folded them under herself as she lay down and brought a pillow over her head. "He's not real…he's not real…he's not real." She got louder and louder. "He's not real! God, Lorelai, pull it together; you're losing it!" She grasped the pillow. "Pull it together now!" With that, she snatched the pillow away and looked around, daring herself to have conjured up a revisit.
Everything was as it should be.
She took a deep breath and retrieved her magazine and snack. She returned to her page and looked at the photos as she waited for her ability to concentrate. The page rattled at the nonstop trembling of her hands.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 5, 2005
The following day, Lorelai spent her lunch hour at home. As she waited on her Ravioli bowl to heat in the microwave, she picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hey, Babette! It's me, Lorelai." She created a smile so that the one she wanted to come through on the phone line would be the closest thing to genuine. "Yeah. Well, Honey, I've missed you, too. I've been so busy at the inn and everything, so…Yeah, I know. Things haven't exactly been the same since, uh…" She closed her eyes as she caught herself. "Since R-rory went off to Yale….Yeah, mmhm…Yeah, my enthusiasm for town events have taken a hit lately, I know. I'll try to do better. But hey, actually I'm calling because I know you usually head to the bookstore around this time once a week. I was hoping I'd caught you before you left." She listened and then smiled. "Good, good. I had a couple titles I wanted to pick up for Rory and myself, but with work and all, I haven't found the time to…oh will you?" She paced in front of the microwave. "That'd be a tremendous help to me, Babette. I really appreciate it…well, what are you doing now? Do you mind popping over here really fast? I have to figure out what I did with my list, but by the time you get here, I'll have found it around here somewhere." She nodded and smiled more. "Thanks so much. I'll see you in a minute….okay, bye."
No sooner than Lorelai grabbed a pen and ripped a piece of an envelope off to jot down random titles she figured Rory would like, did she hear Babette's familiar knock.
She hurried to answer.
"Hey, Suga!" Babette greeted with an instantaneous affectionate hug.
Lorelai smiled over her head as she hugged her back. "How are you, Babette?" The show of affection actually felt good. Given how Lorelai's own mother hadn't so much as patted her back since the tragedy with one of her closest friends, Babette's motherly love didn't go unappreciated.
"How ya holding up, Doll Face?"
Lorelai had gotten used to being addressed more personally than everyone else when it came to Luke's death. Like she'd been related to him or involved with him on an intimate level. She'd gotten past the need to question it, but as far as she was concerned, there was nothing abnormal about her feelings on his demise. Everyone in Stars Hollow was in the same boat.
"I'm doing okay. It's just work, work, work these days, you know?" She took Babette's hand and pulled her along as she headed into the kitchen.
Her eyes flashed over by the stove before she turned to the shorter lady quickly causing her to stop walking. With a flourish, Lorelai presented that very area to her. "Hey, what do you think of stainless steel appliances? I was toying with the possibility of an upgrade."
Babette looked over to the area, and Lorelai watched her anxiously. When she saw nothing on her face other than helpful consideration, she swung her own eyes back over to the flannel-clad man standing there with his arms crossed.
Luke sighed, rolled his eyes.
Lorelai turned her back to him and faced Babette. "Do you think anything is wrong with the stove that I have now? Do you see anything wrong with that stove that's there right now?"
Babette grew confused at the sound of desperation. She answered her with, "No, I don't see anything wrong with the one you have. I say, if it works, it stays."
Lorelai shot a glance over her shoulder. "So, in your opinion, there's nothing out of place over there…"
Babette looked again. "Everything's fine as far as I can see."
She sighed and gave a weary smile. "Thanks, Babette. I appreciate your help."
"Well, Honey, anytime you want to talk or need advice or anything at all, you know the number and you know the address." Lorelai nodded gratefully. Babette went on. "Losing Luke like we did wasn't easy on anyone. I mean, anyone with a nice, tight ass like his would be missed anyway. Oh, yes!" Lorelai casually looked over to him and saw his face flush. "But he was a good guy who came from a good family, and we love him like crazy." She looked down to the table and picked up the book list that lay there. "This place'll never be the same without him, and it's not a crime to talk to each other. Keeping things bottled up doesn't help at all!"
She looked from the list and finally up at Lorelai. She followed her eyes over toward the cabinets. "What are ya looking at all smiling like a Cheshire?"
Lorelai's attention snapped back to her. "Nothing," she answered with nonchalance.
"Oh, okay." She moved in and gave her another squeeze. "Well, I'm gonna take off, and if you like I'll drop the books off later on tonight when I see you're home."
"That's perfect, Babette. Thanks." Lorelai picked up her purse. "Let me just find some money to-"
"No, no, no, don't worry about it, Suga. I'll take this. You go ahead and eat your delicious smelling lunch, and I'll see you tonight."
"Okay. Well, next time you head to that male strip club outside of town-"
"Because I like to support all new businesses, of course!"
"It's been open for seven years now," Lorelai reminded with a smile.
"Well, I like to believe they're still struggling, and I like to do my part!"
"Oh, of course. Well, if you need someone to spot you some g-string stuffing money, I'm good for it."
"Well, that's a nice offer, but I'm a big spender. The money it'd take to cover these books wouldn't make it past the first ten minutes," she shared seriously. She shook her head and turned to leave at Lorelai's laughter. "See ya, Sweetheart. And tell Rory I said to drop by and see me sometime!"
"I'll do that, Babette. Thanks for all your help."
Lorelai saw her out and then closed and locked the door before returning to the kitchen. She made her way to the microwave while eyeing Luke who casually followed her with his eyes.
She shook her head and popped open the microwave. "If you're going to stand there, you can at least get me a fork," she mumbled.
She heard what sounded like light laughter, but she ignored it as she went to grab a utensil.
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 5, 2005
That night, Lorelai sat cross-legged on the couch as she had her daily conversation with Rory. She flipped through the channels and, as usual, put up the strongest, bravest front there was for her kid. Way she saw it, she didn't have a lot of room for vulnerability and raw emotions when Rory had seen so much of it in the first couple of days following Luke's fatality.
Rory still had a tough time with accepting everything, and speaking with her was the only time Lorelai tolerated lengthy discussion of the subject. Only because it was Rory. And Rory's well-being and overall mental health was Lorelai's responsibility, no matter what she, herself, was going through.
When she hung up the phone, she let out a huge sigh, finally settled on a random channel, and unmuted the TV. The blaring volume went away as she turned it lower and lower until sound was satisfactory. With that, she dropped the remote and looked straight ahead at the screen.
"I really wish she didn't have to experience any of this." She silently considered that. "If I could soak up her pain, I would. In a second." She smiled a little and her eyes went over to Luke on the laz-e-boy. "Not exactly sure how that'd fare since I'm barely holding it together myself here."
She looked away from the face that was the answer to all of her problems.
"I don't really have to tell you how I've been doing, do I?" She started to laugh maniacally. "I mean, I'm here talking to a figment of my imagination, for god's sake!"
The fit of laughter grew stronger, weaker, then much, much stronger and threatened to take her off the couch. She told herself how she was losing it big time. Found that even funnier. When she calmed enough to catch her breath, she dabbed her wet eyes and released a few straggling chuckles along with a relinquishing sigh. "Anything to feel closer to you, I guess," she added in a quieter voice.
She brought her hands to her lap and returned her eyes to the TV screen. "I miss you so much," she revealed even lower.
She looked at the screen for only seconds before looking back to him. He hadn't stopped staring at her. Lorelai felt her heart race, and she wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. She felt she was losing her damn mind. But boy, was he a captivating sight.
The doorbell rang. Same as it had on his first appearance in her home.
Lorelai smiled. "Can you tell me who that is, Sam Wheat?"
Luke smiled.
Her heart fluttered and raced more. Made her feel terrified. Made her feel lifted.
He leaned into the chair to get more comfortable as she stood and headed for the door.
"She brought Morey. Probably going to want to come in and stay a while."
Lorelai turned instantly at hearing Luke speak. Her heart was beating like a congo drum at that point. Her eyes went to the chair he'd been sitting in, and she found it empty. She searched the space, and he was nowhere in sight.
After taking a second to calm down, she pulled the door open. Babette and Morey were on the other side.
"Hey, Suga!"
"How's it hangin', Lorelai?"
She stuttered out a greeting and reached for the books Babette had in her hand. She handed them over but also invited herself and her husband inside. "Thought we'd stay for a minute! Keep ya company! Morey's been worryin' about ya, haven't ya Morey?"
"Definitely," he answered coolly.
Lorelai looked around again as she closed the door. "O-o-okay. That's fine." She placed the books on the nearest table. "Um, just…make yourselves comfortable."
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 6, 2005- February 8, 2005
After weeks of waking and feeling familiar pain and sadness, there was finally change.
Over the next few days, Lorelai found that she didn't have to wake and instantly flip a switch that made her able to move forward with her life. There were no instant reminders and pain.
Because in the days that followed, each time her alarm sounded, she was wide-awake and in a sitting position by the third beep. At her bedside, there was a long umbrella that she'd gotten good at grabbing while simultaneously swiping at her clock to stop its chime. While clutching that umbrella like Beatrix did her sword before slaying '88' foes, Lorelai scanned her bedroom with purpose.
She, then, got on her knees swiftly and scrambled to the edge of the bed where she checked underneath. When she found nothing, she hopped to a standing position on the floor to start checking other rooms, the skinny metal dull point on the umbrella leading the way.
When she found every room clear, she made her way back upstairs and put the umbrella back in place for the next day.
Pain was finally outdone. Temporarily overshadowed by intense paranoia.
February 9, 2005
After three days of vigilance and discomfort in her own home, the day came when Lorelai finally entered the crapshack after work without the caution of a SWAT team leader.
She conversed with a vendor on her cell. The phone was pressed to her shoulder while she distractedly flipped through bills and junk mail.
She rounded the corner to head into the kitchen and had a mini freak-out when she spotted the flannel man walking from the kitchen towards her. Her initial reaction made papers fly everywhere as her phone fell to the ground. The connection effectively came to an end when the battery popped out and slid across the floor. She'd sucked in air like a wheezing asthma sufferer, as if her body was preparing for a blood-curdling scream.
When she saw the face of a friend she trusted most in the world, it seemed insignificant that it was also the face of someone who had been buried four weeks ago. She breathed with relief before snapping in frustration.
"Jesus, will you please stop doing that?"
She leaned low and started pulling papers together. "Can you not stay on the other side of your ghostly portal and ring the ghostly doorbell and wait until I let you in? You can't just pop up like this! You almost gave me heart attack!"
She listened to her own heightened breathing as she focused on picking up all that'd been dropped in fear.
"Sorry," he finally responded in the most casual manner.
The sound of his voice made the insignificant, significant. She stopped moving and slowly looked up. He looked down on her with his thumbs looped in his belt hooks. "What'd you say?" she asked quietly.
"I said sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
Lorelai used the table to stand up while keeping her eyes on him. She left everything on the floor where it was. "Say it again," she nearly whispered.
He rolled his eyes. "What are you waiting for me to do, grovel?"
She didn't say anything. It finally sunk in that Luke was back. A dead man was once again standing in front of her. Talking. Knowing that was a tad bit on the unnatural side of things, she needed it to stop. She wanted to not be drowning in crazy. She was already drowning in so much else.
She wished him away while hoping her wishes went ignored.
"What are you doing here?" she asked in a distant voice.
He looked around and then squinted and appeared to think. "I dunno."
Her eyes went to his flannel, which was the same one he was wearing the day a motorcycle took his life. She had to blink back tears as she looked into his face again. "Why are you here?" she asked again.
"Why do you keep asking me that?"
She closed her eyes for a long moment. Tested the theory, yet again, that taking her eyes from him would make her come back to reality. He was there when she closed her eyes and still there when she opened them, finally forcing her to abandon that assumption for good.
She swallowed. "Do you know you're dead?" She could barely say the last word.
He didn't answer right away. But the question didn't even make his expression change. With that, she figured it out on her own. "Luke, what are you doing here?" she asked with a soft and questioning tone.
He sighed and brought his hand to the back of his neck. "Where am I supposed to be?" was his low reply.
Lorelai found herself at a loss. Was this really happening?
"You're standing in my house, Luke." They stared at one another. "And you're dead."
He looked off to the side.
So much time went by before he found words that he saw worthy of speaking.
"This must be…really weird for you." He paused and his eyes said his forthcoming words a hundred times in that silence. "I'm sorry."
She moved her hands from the table to the wall as she inched closer to it. "For being dead?" she asked with nonsensical humor.
He smiled the faintest smile. "For being here. I don't know why I'm here. In this house. Your house," he ended softer.
She clutched the wall like a safety blanket. "M-maybe the crapshack is built on an ancient burial ground. Like in Amityville Horror," she offered quietly.
He rolled his eyes. "That doesn't make sense."
Her eyes widened like a doe. "And this does?"
"Well, here I am dead. Tell me where to go, and I'll go there."
She looked him over again. "This can't be right, you know? You can't die and just be left to wander around aimlessly. Maybe you're being punk'd."
"Being what?"
"Ashton Kutcher has to be around here somewhere."
"What are you talking about?"
"You should watch more TV, Luke."
"Yeah, sure. Guess I'll keep that in mind for my reincarnation."
Lorelai's eyes watered as she smiled. "I'd say this was a pretty cruel joke to make."
He shook his head. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"No, this. You here. Why here? Why me? Just…why?"
He looked down at his feet. "Wish I knew."
"I mean, I'm the only one that can see you."
"I know."
"Some might say I'm eligible for a one-way pass to the loony bin."
"If you've avoided going for all these years, I think you're safe."
"I'm being serious."
"So am I."
"Luke."
"Jeez, Lorelai, what do you want me to say? I don't know why I'm here, okay. You want me to leave? Fine, I get that. Just give me a clue on how I can do that because I don't know! I'm alive one minute; I'm dead the next; all I see is black and then I'm here; black, then I'm here; black then I'm here. At least when I'm here, I'm not in a damn black hole!"
She clung to the wall. Wanted to just step around it and be alone with emotions she could feel about to come and embarrass the hell out of her. "I watched you die, Luke. Not only do I have to deal with you being dead every day for the rest of my life, but I watched you die. And now, poof, you're here, and I'm talking to a dead man. If someone walked in right now, in their eyes, I'd be standing here having a conversation with myself. All of that, and the hardest thing for me right now is knowing that I'm going to cling to this. To you popping up and being here. I'm going to lose what little grip I have left clinging to something that's not even real." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "Hell, maybe I'm the one that's getting punk'd."
He searched for reason. "That won't necessarily happen. Maybe you'll-"
"It will. It will happen." She started to cry hard and she stomped her foot in anger for being unable to stop that from happening. "I miss you, Luke. I miss you every single day. All I want to do is see you and talk to you and have you yell at me, and I can't ever have that again. God, do you have any idea how life changing this is? All it took was one minute. One minute and one drunk idiot on a motorcycle and that was it. No warning; no nothing. You died, and the rest of us are stuck here having to just…get over it. And then you come back. You're here." She wiped a hand across her face and kept talking, refusing to take a breath. "The worst thing you can do is tell me that you're here to stay. Do you think that I won't be tempted to call in sick for the rest of my life just to be here with you?"
He turned away in discomfort. "Jeez, Lorelai."
"Don't jeez me. This is what happens when you draw inspiration from Thriller. I was doing fine before this. Now, look at me," she said with an annoyed gesture toward her face as she steadied her sobs and looked around for tissues.
Luke gestured toward the desk. She spotted the box of tissues and pulled one after the other until she had a handful.
"You were fine?" he asked drearily.
"I was handling it."
He stared at her. Doubted the words she'd just spoken but he didn't say anything. "If I could leave, I would. I don't want to make anything harder than what it is."
Lorelai dabbed her eyes with the tissues. "And if I could get rid of you, I would…before it got harder than what it already is."
"I understand."
She sighed, glad to have her emotions under some control again. "My god. This is a cruel, cruel joke. When my time comes, somebody is going to have some major explaining to do for this."
"I'll put them on alert."
She scoffed at that. "Yeah, right. You can't even find your way home. Maybe if you weren't such a guy you'd have sense enough to ask for directions."
He shook his head. "Never," he played along blandly. "I'd die before I…wait." He looked at her with a tiny smirk, and she smiled with great reluctance as she rolled her eyes away from him. She returned focus to him instantly and seemed at such peace with the visual she took in.
"You've been here longer than the other times," she noted.
He nodded. "Maybe because you're accepting me."
"Only because I'm fresh out of Holy water."
He gave her a look letting her know he wasn't amused. She smiled, her eyes suddenly sparkling like he was something new and shiny and expensive on Christmas morning.
"So…are you accepting me?" he asked to be sure.
She crossed her arms and regarded him in silence for a few seconds. "I feel light. And not so empty. And I can't stop looking at you."
He smiled. "So, that's a yes?"
She took a breath, smiled her truest smile in a month, and answered from her heart. "It's a yes. God help me."
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
February 9, 2005
Lorelai sat Indian style on the floor with her back almost against the TV.
She faced Luke who sat on the couch. They looked at one another. Had been a while. It'd been two hours since Lorelai had walked through the door and found him there, and he had yet to go anywhere.
"It's kind of weird with you just staring at me like that," he finally revealed to her.
"Weirder than you being dead and sitting on my couch?"
"Jeez. I wish you'd stop saying that."
"Saying what, weird?" she asked feigning confusion.
"No," he answered annoyed.
"Couch?"
"Dead," he said outright. "Stop saying dead."
She sighed. "I have to keep saying it, Luke. I think if I keep reminding myself of that then I'll have less of a chance of bunking with Daisy, the chicken carcass queen."
"Well, we've both established what happened and what I am. I don't need to be mocked with it."
"Who's mocking?"
"You. And it's getting old."
"Um, excuse me, but wasn't that me," she began with a point over toward the stairs, "with the attractive show of tears and mucus for all to see? I don't think my compassion should be scrutinized here."
He rolled his eyes. "Just stop saying it."
"What do you prefer I say? Anatomically-challenged?"
"Anything's better than that word."
"Alright, alright, I'll try not to use it. Happy?" she asked while holding a smile at bay. Outside of her dreams, she didn't think she would ever again talk to Luke, much less argue with him. Looking back at her was Luke, minus the flesh and bones, but everything else about him was perfect. Since so much of him was left behind after death, she couldn't help but think that some heavenly pardon might be given just that once that'd allow him a second chance at life. Even if it had to be in someone else's body. If that could be an option, she knew she'd take it. She'd take anything. As long as she could feel his presence, she'd find a way to work around the physical disparities.
"Are you just planning to sit there all night?" he asked warily.
"Maybe."
"Well, that makes a lot of sense."
She smiled. "Just happy to see you."
"You're making me self-conscious."
She smiled wider. "We'll have to test this out, you know. You'll have to tell me something that I never knew and never had any way of knowing and then we can see how much of this is my imagination."
"It's not your imagination. It's real; it's weird; I'm here; just accept it."
"What's your middle name?"
"I've told you that before."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did. Knowing that you didn't bother to remember is actually a little insulting."
"When was this?"
"Hell if I know. You asked me for it and I gave it to you."
"Our exchanges are never that simple. That's how I know that it never happened."
"You asked me a hundred times, and to shut you up, I gave it to you. Better?"
"More believable."
"You want it again?"
She paused in brief thought. "Scott."
He looked surprised. "You remembered."
Her smile faded but she tried to stay relatively casual. "It was on the obituary."
Taken aback, he shuddered. "You have no idea how strange it is to hear that. I have an obituary." It didn't fare well the second time around either. "Wow."
When more than one memory of the funeral day started to crowd her current thoughts, she shook them away and offered another question. "What was your favorite baseball team?"
"Do you know any teams offhand?"
She nodded. "Redsox, Braves, Knicks, and Yankees."
He smiled. "Knicks is basketball. So, you know three?"
She tried to conjure up more and couldn't. "Yeah."
"It's one of the ones you named, and that's something you can guess. If you want to do this, ask something that's a determiner. Not something you can make excuses for later."
"Okay, okay, Bossy…" She caught his smile and formed one herself before looking down to her multi-colored socks, easily seen with her feet crossed under her thighs. "Name all girlfriends starting from high school onward. Liz'll vouch."
She looked up at him. Saw him roll his eyes.
"Let's go with a combination safe. The one in my apartment. It's the best and the sturdiest, and since I didn't have it written down anywhere, I can bet that no one's been able to get inside. You can give it to my sister."
She frowned. "Sure. If you want to go the boring route, we can go with that suggestion."
That got another smile out of him. "Ready?"
She waved it away with disinterest. "Just write it down someplace. I'll get it."
"If I was able to write it down someplace, I'd just make a trip across town and tell her myself. But for the first time ever, I'm pretty sure she'd actually have a reason for not hearing anything I say to her."
Lorelai grumbled like she was being asked to do something grueling. She got up and got a stack of post-its and a pen. "Okay, shoot."
He fired it off, she wrote it, and then dropped the items to the coffee table as she reclaimed her previous position.
"So," she started as she got comfortable and got the hair from her face. "You've tried touching things?"
"What do you mean?"
"Objects. Things. Pens and stuff. You've tried already?"
"You think I determined on my own that I wasn't capable?"
"I have no idea."
"Yes, Lorelai, I've tried."
She looked down at the few things on the coffee table. "Did you concentrate?"
"Are you going somewhere with this?"
She smiled. "Well, on Ghost, at first he couldn't-"
"Don't even think about having me try something you saw on some movie. I'm dead, Lorelai. And this isn't being scripted by somebody's imagination. I'm not about to practice a telekinetic routine with you for your next dinner party."
She stared at him momentarily. "I thought you said you didn't like that word."
He rolled his eyes. "Not saying it isn't going to make it any less true," he said peevishly. "What difference does it make?"
She sighed and fell quiet. She looked away and then nodded absently at his sincere and weak words of apology. "What's it like anyway?"
He stared at her. "It's fabulous. You should be so lucky to be as dead as me," he mocked.
"Stop being snippy to me."
"I'm not trying to."
"I know, but you are, and it's losing its charm."
"Ready to kick me out?"
"Can I kick you out?"
"Of course you can. I can go away."
She rolled her eyes to her lap. "I don't want you to go away. Just…be a little nicer."
He snorted. "Nice. Have I ever been nice?"
She met his skeptical expression with calm and gravity. "You were great," she said simply.
The way he rolled his eyes made it look like he thought she was full it. But that wasn't how he felt at all. "I don't know why I'm acting like this, Lorelai. I just feel so frustrated."
She nodded. "Then, there's your reason," she followed peacefully. He met her eyes, and she smiled.
His tone became so confiding. "Believe it or not, I had a lot of stuff I still wanted to do. And now…"
She looked at him with sorrow. He paused and they shared silence. Slowly, he smiled. "Kinda makes me wish I'd had a kid or two."
That brought on a lazy and genuine smile from Lorelai. "You're wishing for jam hands? Man, this death thing must really be something else." She followed that with a wink and was delighted to see him smile bashfully.
He shrugged. "I don't know; I'm just…wishing for more, I guess."
"More?"
"Yeah. Just…more."
"A someone?" she inquired.
"Maybe."
She considered that. "Someone whose life would've stopped when you died?" He didn't say anything. She looked at him and continued with a soft shrug. "Someone who would probably wake up every day with…insurmountable pain because you didn't just un-die overnight?"
"I'd never wish that on anyone."
"Kind of comes with the package when you care about somebody."
"Well…still, I'd never wish that on anybody."
She looked off. "Well, tough. That's what you got." She created a smile. "And look, you didn't even have to sleep with me and give me a baby to get it! You're good, mister."
He looked at her so hard, it made her divert attention more than once. "It's just so surreal…and…not right…to die with these many regrets," he shared slowly and thoughtfully.
Lorelai shifted her body and tried to shuffle building sadness. "Well, um…" Her voice shook. She cleared her throat and smiled kindly. "You had me for a friend. You definitely did something right."
He rewarded that silly sentiment with a lopsided grin. "Yeah, that's something I can be proud of."
She nodded. "Exactly," she followed softly as most her focus went into the strong eye contact they made.
"I'm kinda scared," he said quietly.
She had never held him. Had never even come close. And she wanted nothing more than to do that in that moment…a moment when it absolutely couldn't be done.
"I really wish you wouldn't be," she replied just as quiet. She waited a beat and went on. "I'd like to think the hard part is over for you. Now, all you have to do is…cross over, I guess, I dunno how it works," she said with soft chuckles. She looked down to her fingers. "People come in this world and leave so fast sometimes that…this can't be what it's all about. Maybe this is our waiting room, you know?" She looked at him again. Stared so long and so affectionately that he thought she was done speaking. "And when it's our time, we walk up, and…they pull back the velvet rope and…" She smiled as tears came in her eyes. "Just think about who's on the other side already, Luke. There's your mom. And your dad," she added with her voice unintentionally dropping to a whisper as tears automatically fell. Enriching, soft laughter came. "And your Uncle Louie."
Fighting emotions of his own, Luke almost choked out a laugh at the unexpected addition. "Oh, jeez," he moaned in agony.
She laughed harder. He did too. She happily wiped the tears away. "See. It's uphill from here, Hon. You just have to find the way."
He found comfort in the sudden lightness he felt. "Is that all?"
"That's all," she answered endearingly.
He had a smile that seemed to want to stay now. "And what if I just want to stay here with you?" he asked with something that sounded like flirtation.
She focused on the table with a subdued smile. "Then…you stay here with me."
He laughed. "At least until they grab you with the butterfly nets, huh?"
She nodded hugely. "Yes, when the butterfly nets come, then it'll officially be time for you to split. Do I have your word on that?"
He shook his head, no.
She sighed like the situation was bigger than her. "Guess I'll live with it. Be glad I like you." She started rising. "And you're the most attractive off-limits-word guy I know. So, there's that."
"Gee, thanks."
She walked over to him. She paused in front of him and then carefully sat down next to him on the couch. Only a few inches away. Closest she'd been to him since the night on the sidewalk. She looked him over nervously but attentively, noticing that he still looked existent.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She took a deep breath. "We may as well get this out of the way. I'm going to wonder until I know for sure."
"Wonder what?"
She looked him over some more. "If I threw a glass of water on you if I'd just be messing up my floor."
Finally understanding, he still chose to focus on the less significant part. "Why would you be throwing water on me?"
"Well, water always precedes the face slap and the storming off," she said rationally.
He frowned. "Why are you slapping me?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you called me a jezebel."
"I've never even used the word jezebel," he protested.
"Even worse. Your hurled insult was premeditated. That water glass has just been upgraded from an eight ounce to a ten ounce."
He gave up. "Good grief," he mumbled.
"Hold your hand out, Charlie Brown. This is our unchained melody."
"I told you I can't."
"So show me."
"Jeez," he whispered. He held his hand in front of himself. "Yeah, let's make this weirder. Why not?"
"Complain, complain, complain. You're my Luke alright." She brought her hand closer to his. "Are you ready?"
"Sure."
She could feel her heart race as she moved her hand over his. Her trembling fingers failed to hit flesh and only moved through his. She retracted slowly as she stared at his familiar, slender fingers, which once again looked real and concrete.
He lowered his hand to his lap and managed to hide the air of disappointment, which he knew better than to even have. "I told you."
She looked in his face. "Did you feel anything?"
"Like what?" he asked cautiously.
"Anything. Like any change in sensation."
He relaxed. "Oh. No." He looked at the front and back of his hand as he flexed his fingers. Then, he met her eyes. "Why, did you?"
She half-shrugged, half-nodded. "I think so. Like a tiny tingling."
"Really?" he asked with skepticism.
She looked at her hand. "Yeah."
Luke doubted that very much. "Close your eyes."
She looked at him again. "Why?"
He sighed with impatience. "Close your eyes and tell me when I touch your hand."
"Oh." She blinked a few times before she closed her eyes fully. He watched her place her hand out, and he didn't move.
"Do you feel that?"
Her brows creased in concentration. She was hesitant to answer. "No…"
He glanced at her hand and then her face. Still didn't move. "That?"
She froze completely in order to focus harder. She pouted that time. "No."
He reached over with his index and made the slightest contact to the back of her hand. Her back straightened in awareness. "I think I felt something just now. Did you touch me?" she asked quickly with her eyes still shut tight.
Luke paused as he looked at her with a disbelieving, baffled expression. He shook that off and eyed her hand distrustfully. "Feel that?"
Lorelai seemed anxious and ready to give a positive response. She waited about five seconds before disappointedly giving a, "No."
He took all fingers and ran them down her arm. She gasped and froze again. "I definitely felt that." She opened her eyes to him.
Luke wore the face of someone determined to explain away the unexplainable. He made no effort to hide his cynicism. "Where'd you feel it?" he asked.
She used her finger to point to the very areas. "Right here the first time and right along here the second time. Going towards my wrist."
His quest for reasoning wasn't proving to be all that effective. He still held onto his expression. "You sure you weren't peeking?"
She smiled, excited to know she'd been right. "I'm sure. So, you only touched me those two times?"
"Yeah…"
She looked down at his hand, still overly happy. "Wow. I wonder why you can't feel anything."
After all of the unexplained occurrences, that comment was what made Luke look at her like she'd flipped her lid. "I don't know, Lorelai. Maybe my being six feet underground has something to do with it."
She glared at him.
He ignored it. "What does it feel like again?"
Easily hopping back into her good mood, she said, "I told you. It's a tingling."
"Good tingling or bad tingling?"
She gave him an incredulous stare. "Kinda hard to see any of this as bad even if it was, Luke." Breaking contact, she answered, "But it's just a tingling. Not good or bad. Feels like a limb waking up after it's been asleep."
"Sounds bad."
"Sounds awesome," she contradicted stubbornly.
He rolled his eyes. "We're not doing it again. I could be…giving you cancer or something."
"My god," she mumbled as she sat back and got comfortable. "Anybody ever tell you that you need to lighten up?"
"Thanks to this new death diet I'm on, I'm 180 pounds lighter, so I'd say I'm about as light as I'm going to get."
Lorelai sighed. "Tasteless humor, Luke. Very unfunny."
"Pardon me. The old wit just ain't what it used to be."
She looked over at him. "Have you seen me undress?" she asked suddenly.
His quick comebacks got cut off at the pass. "Seen you what?"
She found amusement in the deep red color in his cheeks. "With all the popping up you've been doing over this last week, I was wondering if maybe you've found yourself on the inside of a locked door or two."
"I can't beli—you know what? I'm not going to even answer that," he declared.
She smirked. "Your choice," she followed smoothly as she turned away.
He held off as long as he could before he broke. "But the answer is no!" he assured loudly. He didn't appreciate the quiet laughter from her. "You think I'm a voyeur now? What's wrong with you?"
"It was just an innocent question."
"Yeah, right. Like you didn't do that on purpose."
She smiled widely. "I have no clue what you mean."
"This thing you're doing, I know you think it's cute, but it's really not."
"Oh, come on. It's a little cute, isn't it?" she asked cajolingly as she regarded him.
"Jeez."
She chuckled and decided to give him a break. "Okay, I've had my fun." She reached for the remote and flipped the TV on. "I'll make it up to you. Tell me what game is on what channel, and I'll order pizza and eat while I ask you a million technical questions about it. Sound good?"
He didn't have to consider that for long. He accepted. "Yeah, I guess."
"Good." She flipped to the channel he instructed her to and then stood up to retrieve the phone. "I'll even get the pizza with low fat cheese because I know that'll make it easier for you watch me eat it."
He smiled and shook his head. "I'm touched."
"Mmhm, it's no problem at all. I'll just get them to double up on it so the calories aren't sacrificed," she added.
Luke held his tongue and kept watching the TV, choosing not to take the bait.
TBC…