State of Shock by Different Day
Can I trust you'll go away
If I'm to say, I'm okay
Just let me bleed on my own
And I will find my way home
XOXOXO
Life and death. We tend to think of them as opposites. One indicates the reversal of the other on principle. Sometimes events happen in our lives that show us those rare moments when those polar opposites coexist. Life becomes death and death is only a heartbeat within the lives that we live.
Da Vinci once said that in his attempt to live he was really learning to die. Maybe that's a thought we don't give enough credit to.
All the while, we're pushing away from the harsh truths, we're really learning exactly how important they are in our lives. We can't escape death, just like we couldn't escape birth.
One breath and everything you know changes. The old becomes new and the new becomes something else. Opposites. Symbiosis. A paradox in itself. Life is messy and maybe death can be quick and clean, but the truth is that more often than not - it just isn't.
XOXOXO
You don't know how you've ended up here. Sitting just outside the area that is still under quarantine, ropes of tape to keep the morbidly curious and drastically scarred away. You're not close enough to get in the way of what's left of the bomb squad, just close enough to still see. They slowly work through the death, methodically cleaning up the afternoon's events. While you try to wrap your head around what happened. You can still see the spot where he stood, just before. You're close enough to feel your heart pounding in your chest and your lungs struggle for breath. You were only steps behind him. Just enough steps it seems.
It takes you a minute to recognize footsteps headed towards you. You cringe inwardly assuming that it's Derek come to check on you (your friends all know better, even Izzy), but you don't turn to look. You don't move at all. You've resigned yourself to the fact that you just want to be still for a little while longer.
Your intruder slowly starts to lower themself down next to you and you catch a flash of red before you realize you're sitting shoulder to shoulder with the other Dr. Shepherd.
Nearly ten minutes pass before she breaks the silence. "People don't always understand when you're that close to it, sometimes there's just nothing left to process. Your only choice is to let it wash over you until it passes," she says.
It's like she's taken your entire emotional state and brought it to life with her words alone. You shoot her a half-hearted glare because the two of you always find yourselves connecting in the strangest ways.
Addison gives you an equally minimal smile. "I'll never get used to only saving one. Giving life to a child while watching the life rush out of it's mother or watching what's left of her life crumble right there as her baby is lost. It's not something many people can understand until they see it."
Pausing for a moment, you can tell that she's trying to eradicate any vulnerability from her tone. "In those quiet moments, in between the chaos and the blood, right there, everything connects - even while it's crashing against each other in protest that those moments should not coincide."
You just nod your head, knowing exactly what she means. "I saved one man, only to condemn another. Another man, who seemed like he was a really great guy, but he came to work today to do his job and now he's gone. He was just trying to do the right fucking thing. He's the one that talked me through it. He had complete faith that I could make it happen, and then, he was gone."
Addison looks at you gently. It was something unexpected. One wrong move and you'll both fall apart. She heard the cry in your voice though - the part of you that was small and needed answers, the part of you that knew the harsh truth that there wasn't an answer or sense. She also recognized something harder in you now and you could see that this saddened her.
"Why aren't you with your husband?" you ask. You had heard that he hadn't evacuated. At first you thought part of it might have been you. Some twisted loyalty that he wasn't going to leave you, like Burke didn't want to leave Christina. Now you just don't care.
Addison looks away for a moment and then back again and shrugs. "Why aren't you with your friends?"
"They're too..." you pause looking for the right word. Dropping your head against the wall, you look up at the ceiling through your bangs searching for words.
"Sweet," Addison finishes, stretching her legs out in front of her. It's not even a question. She just gets it.
You nod in agreement. "I had to get away from the looks and the touching and the questions. I just needed to get through this. I just needed to be able to breath."
"The quiet will do you good. This feeling won't last," Addison promises. Tentatively she reaches over and grabs your hand. Even though you had just talked about how there was too much touching she knows that it's okay.
You smile a bit embarrassed, but squeeze back in thanks. Your hand is trembling slightly in hers until you feel her pull your hand closer to herself. You allow yours to grow heavy with relaxation in her grasp.
You know what she's trying to tell you. This isn't a gesture out of some need to comfort you. It's not a need to make sure you're okay. You're just not those people. It's just the ghost of a promise that you're not in this alone, that you exist together in the same space as opposites. The world hadn't ended with the bomb in your hand and for the first time you realize you'll both be fine without Derek being your center. You can exist in the same space without him
Leaning your head against Addison's shoulder, you feel hot tears staining your cheeks. You are not this person – this girl that seeks comfort from the inappropriate people.
Maybe the shock is wearing off just a little bit, but as far as the trauma goes, you're okay. It's just this moment with Addison that has you all screwed up inside. Even with this new twist to add to the ever-growing number, you're content to stay put.
She's squeezing your hand again and you can tell she's teetering on the idea of pulling you into a hug, but she doesn't and once more you can breathe. You know she doesn't want to fix you, but at the end of the day everyone just wants a little human contact.
"Quiet," you whisper, understanding how much you both just need that right now. Addison nods and shyly leans her head against yours. When you don't jerk away, she exhales and drops your entangled hands onto her thigh. She'll stay that way until you're ready and then you can go back to your worlds apart. For now, you'll just exist together in this moment out of time.
A/N: Reviews are love. Definitely check out the song I mentioned in the beginning - State of Shock by Different Day. I really liked it for this story and for them.
Seriously though reviews people, I neeeed feedback