Regulus Black woke up in his room. He slowly opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, thinking about his vacation so far. Christmas had been like every Christmas: his cousins Bellatrix and Narcissa had been there with their husbands, and they had all been bragging about their loyalty to the Dark Lord. His mother and father had rambled on and on about how pureblooded wizards were better than mudbloods and halfbloods and about what a shame it was they existed. The mudbloods and halfbloods that was. Regulus had sort of missed his brother, who liked to rebel against their parents' words and ideologies.
To be honest, Regulus had missed Sirius a lot lately. He knew his brother had never really liked him, but still he couldn't help but look up to him. Sirius was brave. Regulus was a coward and he knew it. He didn't rebel against his parents, because he was too afraid of what they might do to him, even though deep down, he despised the way they talked about muggles and mudbloods. Deep down, he knew that all man were equal, whether they be wizards or muggles. Sirius' words had left a deeper impression on him than his brother or parents could ever imagine. But unlike Sirius, he was too afraid of his parents to voice his thoughts. He'd seen far too often what they were capable of. More than once, he'd seen Sirius' eyes swollen shut or heard his pained cries echo through the house. But Regulus chose the safe way out, the cowardly way out. Temporarily blind and deaf.
And then Sirius disappeared out of his life. He ran away, sick and tired of their parents' crap. But he didn't just leave their parents, he also abandoned him, Regulus. He'd left his little brother behind. Regulus knew his mother mourned over Sirius running away, but he also knew she did so for all the wrong reasons. She merely hated the fact that she'd failed, didn't really mind that her oldest son was gone. What would people say?
"Master Regulus?" came a soft voice from his door, "Are you awake? Your mother wants you downstairs for breakfast."
"I'm awake," Regulus sighed as he climbed out of his bed, "Tell mother I'll be down in a few minutes."
Kreacher bowed and left the room again. Regulus walked slowly to the sink and threw some cold water in his face. It was the last day of the holiday. Tomorrow, he'd be going back to Hogwarts. Back to his brother.
"Good morning, mother," Regulus said as he entered the dining room, "Good morning, father."
His father was reading the Daily Prophet and his mother was sipping her tea, looking both very pleased with herself and very annoyed at something else. Probably someone else. Regulus just hoped it wasn't him.
"Your cousins will be over for dinner tonight," she told him. That seemed to be the part she was pleased about, "So I want you to be at your best. You'll pack your trunk this afternoon, and I want you to wear your formal robes, am I understood?"
"Yes, mother," he answered, wondering why in Salazar's name his cousins were coming over. He'd only seen them last week at their Christmas party.
"Don't give me that attitude, boy," she sneered at him, slamming her spoon on his fingers in a disciplinary action, "They have a great and most amazing offer for you."
"I'm already looking forward to it," Regulus said, trying to sound more pleased than annoyed, subtly flexing his fingers. He knew Bellatrix. Something she found great, couldn't be good for the rest of the world.
"Regulus!" his mother snapped, slamming her hand down on the table, "You're starting to sound like your brother and I will not have two of those in my household!"
Regulus was a bit shocked to hear his mother talk of Sirius and apparently, so was his father, as he dropped his paper a few inches to stare at his wife. Since Sirius had ran away over a year ago, she'd pretended she only had one son. Frankly, Regulus hated it. He wanted to scream that he still had a brother, even though he'd ran away. Besides, with being an only son came a lot of pressure, his mother wanting him to be a perfect little Slytherin heir.
"Mother," he started softly, but he didn't know what to say next, so he shut up again. She looked at him impatiently and he looked at the table, "Yes mother."
"When you're done eating, I want you to go to your room," his mother said, "I'll call you when you're allowed downstairs again. Why don't you take a few papers to your room? That way you can add some articles to your collection."
"Yes mother," Regulus said. That was another thing. His 'collection'. Ever since he turned 12, his parents had wanted him to collect articles about the Dark Lord. They supported his ideas and they expected him to support them as well. Sure, he was proud to be a Slytherin – even though he'd have rather been sorted in Ravenclaw – but the Dark Lord was taking things to a whole new level. A level Regulus didn't even want to think about, let alone reach it. The more articles he read and collected, the more he was convinced that the Dark Lord was off his rockers. Hating muggles was one thing, but killing them was something else entirely.
He finished his breakfast and grabbed the newspapers that were waiting for him. He wondered what he'd find today. Torture? Murders? People missing? He hated it, he really did. He didn't understand how someone could be so cruel. He didn't understand why his parents adored the Dark Lord so much. He wished Sirius was still here.
Regulus filled his day with packing his trunk and going through papers. In the afternoon, he wrote a long letter to his best friend. He was in Ravenclaw and they didn't get many chances to talk openly to one another. They usually snuck to the kitchens at night, because neither the Ravenclaws, nor the Slytherins would approve of their friendship.
"Master Regulus?" Kreacher called. Regulus looked up from the mirror he'd been staring in – he was adjusting his tie – and nodded towards his house-elf.
"Your mother wants you downstairs, your cousins have arrived," Kreacher said. Regulus nodded and sighed. When he entered the living room, all conversations fell silent and everyone turned to look at him. Narcissa smiled at him warmly and Lucius had an unreadable look in his eyes. Rodolphus and Bellatrix just looked annoyed. His parents looked pleased.
"Hello Regulus," Narcissa smiled. He nodded towards all of them and gave them small bows. He was hungry. His eyes flashed to the big clock and he realized that supper should have been served an hour ago. His stomach rumbled and he tried not to flush with embarrassment.
They made some political small talk, almost like a pissing contest to see who hated mudbloods the most. Regulus wasn't interested in joining the pissing contest, but he knew what the consequences would be if they noticed his boredom, so he feigned interest.
After what felt like hours, they finally moved their little party to the dining room. Kreacher had set the table with their best china and steaming pots of food, somewhat reminding Regulus of Hogwarts. Apart from the absence of warmth and love. And the muggle-loving fool that was their headmaster. Dumbledore was bonkers. Totally one hundred percent bonkers. But he was also wise and kind.
"Regulus," Bellatrix cleared her throat, "There is something we would like to discuss with you."
Aha, they were getting to the point at last. He'd finally know what his parents were so awfully pleased about. He just hoped it wouldn't be too bad, like killing his brother. Sweet Salazar, what if they wanted him to kill Sirius?! He couldn't do that, he could never do that.
"Yes?" he asked softly, slightly terrified. Bellatrix started rambling about the greatness of the Dark Lord again and she didn't stop for a long time. Regulus smiled and nodded, pretending to listen and agree.
"So," Bellatrix said, sounding both proud and confused, "The Dark Lord wants you to join his Death Eaters."
A silence fell over the table as everyone stared expectantly at Regulus. He was shocked. He was only sixteen, why would the Dark Lord want him? Why would he want to join the Dark Lord? This was bad. Oh Merlin, this was really bad.
"I…" Regulus stammered, "What if I don't want to?"
His mother's hand came out of nowhere and connected with his face hard. Regulus could feel his eye swelling shut within seconds. He felt as if he were in shock as he stared at his family, suddenly strangers to him. They stared back, shock and anger evident on their faces. Bellatrix and Rodolphus didn't seem to understand why anyone wouldn't want to join the Dark Lord and Lucius looked as if he'd seen this coming. Narcissa was scanning his face, as if trying to find out what was going on in his head and his parents looked so vivid, that Regulus wanted to hide from their scowls.
"What?" his mother hissed. Then she repeated herself, screaming: "WHAT?"
"I'm sorry!" Regulus cried, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm just confused. I'm sorry!"
"You better are," his father said lowly.
"It's okay Regulus," Narcissa said softly, patting his arm, "I understand it is confusing. After all, you're only sixteen. But it's an honor really, that the Dark Lord wants you to join his Death Eaters. Why don't you think it over for a day or two, and then you send us an owl with your answer? Does that sound less scary and abrupt?"
"Narcissa," Lucius hissed and Bellatrix tutted in annoyance.
"Come off it," Narcissa snapped at her husband and sister, "He's just a kid, give him some time."
Regulus had never loved his cousin more. She was usually quiet, but now she was more or less saving his life. A few more days to think this over. Well, in fact he'd already thought it over and he already knew his answer: no, he did not want to join the Death Eaters, even though Cissy and Bella thought it was great.
But a couple of days more meant reprieve of execution. It meant he'd go back to Hogwarts tomorrow and see his brother. It gave him a chance to talk to him, because Merlin, he wanted to talk to his brother right bloody now. He needed to help him, to save him from his family's claws. Sirius had been able to break free from them before, so Regulus felt confident he'd be able to help Regulus as well.
"Thank you, Cissy," he whispered. The rest of his family didn't look too happy with him, but they didn't say anything about it.
"Go to your room, Regulus," his mother said in a dangerously low voice. Regulus knew better than to mess with her and he already had one black eye as a testimony to her foul mood, so he laid down his cutlery and excused himself from dinner. Everyone stared at him as he left the dining room, and Regulus was certain they started talking about him the moment he left the room. His mother's angry voice followed him up the stairs. He knew they all wanted him to become a Death Eater.
He slowly undressed and put on his pajamas. He threw some water in his face and examined his eye. It was purple and swollen and he knew people would ask about it tomorrow. He guessed he'd just have to tell them he'd walked into a door or something. Or maybe he could invent some crazy and adventurous story, where he'd run into a muggle who'd tried to kill him. He could make a hero out of himself. Of course, all of his friends from the same social class as him would know what had really happened. But no one was crazy enough to discuss the child abuse they had all been exposed to while growing up.
Regulus didn't sleep well that night. He kept on tossing and turning and he thought about how he'd tell Sirius what had happened. He went over their conversation in his head a gazillion times. At first, it sounded all wrong, but after a couple of hours, it started to sound right. By the time Kreacher entered his room to wake him up, Regulus knew exactly what he was going to say and how Sirius would react to his words. He'd thought it all over.
In the train, he told his friends he'd tripped over some dirty laundry and had accidently slammed into his door. They all laughed at him, shaking their heads, trying to make him believe they believed it. But they all had that look in their eyes. That look of knowledge. The same look Regulus had worn a thousand times before, when his friends had 'walked into doors' or 'fallen off stairs'. He ignored them.
When they finally arrived at Hogwarts, Regulus couldn't wait to leave his friends and look for his brother. He told his friends he still needed to go to the library and they let him go. He just hoped he'd run into his brother. Dinner was over already, and there was a pretty big chance he'd gone to his common room. Regulus was nearly bursting with panic: what if he didn't find him?
"Sirius!" Regulus cried when he finally spotted him. Sirius looked up to see who'd called him. Next to him were Potter and his redheaded girlfriend, whose name he'd forgotten. When he saw it had been Regulus who'd called his name, he looked away and walked a bit faster, while talking a little louder. He could hear his brother's voice, and just the mere sound of it made him already feel a bit calmer.
"Sirius, wait!" he yelled again, "I just want to talk to you."
Sirius ignored him, speeding up a bit more. The redheaded girl was nearly running to keep up with him. Potter said something Regulus couldn't hear, but Sirius burst out laughing. His barking laugh made Regulus' heart leap.
"Please, Sirius," he pleaded. The redheaded girl grabbed his arm and they slowed down a bit. She said something to him, but Sirius shook his head and pulled his arm back.
"Sirius," this was so not going as he'd planned it, "Please Sirius, it's important."
The girl grabbed his arm again and turned him towards her, so they were facing each other. Regulus could see Sirius was angry. She said something and Potter seemed to side with her. Sirius shook his head again.
"Forget it!" he snapped at them. Then, he finally turned towards his brother, "Get lost, Regulus!"
"You don't understand!" Regulus cried, "I really need to talk to you. Please…"
"Why don't you talk to your lovely Death Eater friends?" Sirius sneered. He didn't need to scream anymore, as Regulus had gotten close enough for (almost) normal conversations.
"Please…" he begged.
"You're not worth my time," Sirius said haughtily and he turned away from his brother. Regulus could feel tears welling in his eyes, and he went with his sleeve over his eyes roughly. He was weak enough as it was.
"Just talk to me…" Regulus' voice was quivering and Potter and his girlfriend looked at him with a sorry look in their eyes, "I just want to talk to you…"
"Prongs, Lily, are you coming?" Sirius asked brusquely, ignoring his brother again.
"Brother…" Regulus asked hoarsely, "help me… I'm so scared to make a mistake…"
"Sirius," the girl said softly, "I really think – "
"I don't care what you think, Lily," Sirius snapped, "You don't know him like I do. Are you two coming or not?"
"We're coming," Potter said, taking Lily's hand, "Relax."
They walked away from him. Tears were spilling over Regulus' cheeks and he was shaking. This couldn't be happening. His brother was supposed to help him, to save him. And now he didn't even want to talk to him.
"They want me to join the Death Eaters!" he cried after his brother. Potter and Lily (he really couldn't remember her last name) looked at each other shocked and even his brother stopped death in his tracks. He didn't turn around and it was silent for a few very long seconds. Regulus could feel his heart beating against his chest.
"Then join them," Sirius answered slowly. He walked further and disappeared around a corner. Lily and Potter seemed even more shocked now. They stared after their friend and then glanced quickly at Regulus, who felt like he was dying right there and then. And then, they followed their friend and Regulus was left alone. He covered his face in his hands and sobbed. He'd left him alone again. His brother had left him all alone again and he was so scared.
Regulus screamed long and loud and his scream echoed through the empty corridors of Hogwarts. He'd never felt so alone in his life. He'd never felt more miserable and scared. He wanted to slit his wrists, to jump of the astronomy tower, to drown himself in the lake. He simply wanted to vanish from the world.
After a few hours – it could have been minutes, or days – Regulus dried his cheeks and made up his mind. He walked towards the owlery with as much dignity as he had left. No one crossed his path and the snow was falling in thick flakes. The wind was howling and all of those things made Regulus feel as if he were the only person left on earth. He actually wished he was the only person left. Then at least, no one was offering him to join the Death Eaters. Offering.
He pulled a small piece of parchment and a quill out of his cloak. He shouldn't have hesitated when they'd told him what he could become. He knew Narcissa had tried to be nice to him, but she really shouldn't have. He should have told his parents this back at home. It had been a stupid idea to find Sirius. Sirius didn't care about him. The only people who did care about him, were his parents and Narcissa. And he would make them proud. Even if he'd loathe himself for the rest of his life, he'd at least make the people who cared about him proud. He put the quill against the paper and wrote:
I'd be honored to join the Death Eaters.