Parting Thoughts
It's different this time. If you ask me in what way or how I know, I couldn't tell you. It is just a feeling, hidden deep down in my soul.
I have lost count of the times I have been confined to a bed because of illness and injuries. Some of the beds have been in royal chambers surrounded by pages and servants but the vast majority have been in field tents around the world as we followed Alexander's dream. On many occasions my life held on with the briefest of strings, but I never felt it. Not like I do now. Death hovers close.
I know, I know.
I am not going to survive this confinement. Not this time. The sickness and pain run deep, to the very depths of my body. But I am at peace with this. I am not too sure anyone knows when he or she is ready for death. On a battlefield it can come quickly and violently. We had expected that, Alexander and I, dying together side by side. But fates seem to have something else in store for me, and for him.
If I had been given the choice of when to meet my fate, I doubt I would have selected this time and place but maybe that is why we are not given the choice. I'm not even sure when I would have wanted it to be but all that doesn't matter anymore. The time is now and I am ready. Here lying in this bed in a palace of a King, my king, I say goodbye to this life and slowly slip into the next. The pain brings me back from time to time but each time I venture farther into my new world and away from this one.
But there is one hold that I have to let go of before I can start my new life. I must let go of Alexander, for I cannot take him with me, even a little part of him. This journey is mine, and mine alone, he will have his own in time. Letting go of him is not easy. So many years I have held him close to me, taking the brunt of the injuries and pain, all of that had to go through me to reach him. Who will do that for him now?
King Alexander is strong, majestic and proud in his bearing. He is cunning and controls most of the world. He stands tall and straight against the world and his enemies. He knows no fear. My King will survive my death.
My Alexander will not.
I know this and he knows this. He will go on living and doing but the heart of his being will be empty. Nothing I could do or say now will change this. We have said all that is important to each other throughout our lives; we know how deep it goes.
He cannot see me take my last breath; I will not let him see my die. If I have to hold on longer, I will but I do not want him to behold my face as I pass into the next world. I will do whatever it takes to see that he is not in the room or away from the side of the bed when I leave. He will not remember that moment when my eyes look at him for the last time.
I will slip away as quietly as possible and enter my new world on the other side and there I will wait till his heart calls me to come and meet him.
Then I will hold out my arms and welcome him back into my embrace…Alexander and Hephaestion together once more.