The Spank Bank Discovery Prologue J. Franklin
THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY
PROLOGUE
(SCENE: The cafeteria at Cal-Tech. SHELDON, LEONARD, and RAJ are seated at their usual table.)
SHELDON: (Irritated) No, Captain PICARD was the superior Star Fleet captain. Everyone knows this!
RAJ: (Shaking head) No, it was Kirk, dude!
SHELDON: Picard was the superior captain. (Begins counting on fingers) He had superior intelligence to Kirk, better leadership skills, he was always in better physical condition, saved Star Fleet on numerous occasions, and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, he hated Wil Wheaton!
RAJ: No, dude. Kirk was better.
SHELDON: Give me one good reason why Captain Kirk could possibly be considered the superior Star Fleet officer.
RAJ: (Shrugs) He bagged more alien tail!
LEONARD: (Chewing) That's true. He did.
SHELDON: Copulation is not a sign of superiority. (Pauses) One can only wonder what kind of alien venereal diseases he probably picked up as well.
LEONARD: (Breaking in) C'mon, guys. Give it a rest. You're both just basing your arguments off that "101 Reasons Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk" list from the Internet!
SHELDON: It's still one more reason than the (makes quotation marks with fingers) "100 Reasons Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard."
RAJ: Dude, that was still a much better list.
SHELDON: No, it wasn't.
RAJ: Yes, it was!
LEONARD: No, neither of them were good lists. They were simply signs of what happens when nerds have too much time on their hands and access to a computer.
(HOWARD appears. He is shuffling and clearly depressed. He sits down wordlessly.)
LEONARD: (Still chewing) What the hell happened to you?
SHELDON: Did they forget the kosher side platter this time?
HOWARD: No.
RAJ: Well, then what happened, dude?
HOWARD: Bernadette kicked me out.
SHELDON: (Shocked) No!
LEONARD: (Shocked) No!
RAJ: (Shocked) No! (Pause) Does this mean she's single?
LEONARD: Raj! C'mon! Howard's in trouble here!
RAJ: Sorry. Just trying to keep up to speed.
SHELDON: What happened?
HOWARD: (Quietly) She found it.
LEONARD: Found what?
HOWARD: My, uh, erotic image collection from back when I was single.
SHELDON: Image collection?
RAJ: (Pauses) Oh, you mean your porn!
LEONARD: (Smiles in surprise) You mean the "spank bank," as you called it?
HOWARD: (Hanging head) Yeah.
LEONARD: I thought you always kept that on a separate hard drive. (HOWARD glares at him.) Sorry, two hard drives.
RAJ: Can I interrupt here? I just want to comment on the irony that his porn collection is kept on a HARD drive! (Laughs)
SHELDON: Well, that's got to be pretty handy if your computer ever goes DOWN on you! (Laughs)
LEONARD: Hey, c'mon, guys! Howard's in trouble here.
HOWARD: Thanks.
LEONARD: Sure. (Pauses) Perhaps instead of an external drive you should have just stored the pics on a FLOPPY disk! (Laughs)
HOWARD: (Angry) Hey, can we cut it out? I'm serious. She kicked me out of the apartment. I'm going to need a place to stay for a few days until this all blows over.
RAJ: (Starts to laugh) You said blows –
HOWARD: (Raises index finger) DON'T do another one!
LEONARD: Well, okay, hold on a second. How'd she find it?
HOWARD: Who knows? She was looking for some old files and happened to come across the pictures.
LEONARD: Does she know about the other hard drive yet?
HOWARD: No – and I don't know what's going to happen when she finds it!
LEONARD: Well, okay, so just delete everything and apologize and tell her it'll never happen again!
HOWARD: I can't do that! I spent years building that collection! It was part of my bachelorhood! It'd be like asking me to get rid of all my commemorative comic books!
RAJ: She hasn't asked that, has she?
HOWARD: No. They're in a safe deposit box so she won't find them.
SHELDON: I always found it fascinating that women were put off by pornography but never seemed to hold the same level of objection to female costumed superheroes. Most of them had proportions that would prevent a normal human female from walking upright!
RAJ: (Thinks) That's true. I mean, think about it – Catwoman, Electra, Maxima, She-Hulk, Super Girl, Wonder Woman – all of them were pretty well built!
SHELDON: And yet, their bosoms never got in the way of their crime fighting skills!
HOWARD: (Irritated) Excuse me? Can we focus here? I'm going to be out on the streets if I can't fix this, and I don't want to lose my wife over it.
LEONARD: Then just delete the porn.
HOWARD: I just said I can't! And besides, it's nothing she needs to worry about – I mean, it's not like I was having cybersex in a World of Warcraft game –
RAJ: That's because you've already done that.
HOWARD: (Losing it) Shut up! (Looks at guys) Look, this is serious, okay? Part of me feels I should do this if it will patch things up, but another part of me feels resentful that I have to part with something so…personal. It's like…I don't know…being neutered.
SHELDON: I believe the word you're looking for is "emasculated."
HOWARD: Whatever! I don't want to have to just give in and hand over my spine like some wimp who can't stand up to his wife –
RAJ: That's what happens when you get married, dude.
HOWARD: (Ignoring him) - but I also don't want to lose her over several megabytes of silicone imagery…
LEONARD: (Thinks) I got it.
HOWARD: What?
LEONARD: Okay, you call it the "spank bank," right?
HOWARD: Yeah.
LEONARD: Well, just put the bank under new ownership!
HOWARD: What are you getting at?
LEONARD: Simple. You go home, tell Bernadette that you'll be getting rid of the porn, then simply give it to one of us to baby sit! We become the new keepers, and you can come over and make a withdrawal for viewing purposes any time you want!
SHELDON: Just don't make any deposits.
HOWARD: Oh, really? And which of you is going to be the one who gets to babysit the collection?
(All are quiet.)
RAJ: I could do it.
HOWARD: Really? Why?
RAJ: Well, I mean, c'mon! Everyone else here has girlfriends! Leonard has Penny, Sheldon has Amy, and I'm still the only one who is technically single!
LEONARD: What about Lucy?
RAJ: We haven't been together that long. She can't make any unreasonable demands until after we've dated at least a few months.
LEONARD: See? Problem solved. You get rid of the porn, Raj gets something to keep him occupied, you get back in good graces with Bernadette, and you don't have to worry about never seeing your collection again!
HOWARD: Well, I guess that would work…
RAJ: Great! (Pauses) What time will you be bringing the two drives over?
HOWARD: (Sits quietly)
RAJ: Dude?
HOWARD: Actually, it's more like three drives…
SHELDON: Good Lord!
LEONARD: (Spits juice)
RAJ: Dude!
(Cut to opening credits)
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