Disclaimer: Harry Potter © JK Rowling & Warner Bro.

AN: A short parody written using some variations of the OCs of myself and a few friends.

Trollwarts

LALITA POTTER arrived at the train station in the early evening, just as the sun was setting, burning the sky behind her. Her uncle Vicious had sped off the moment she pulled the last of her heavy designer suitcases from the back of his lime green Lamborghini, leaving little Lalita alone on the sidewalk.

She started for the loading station, pulling her prominent luggage behind her. Her visor worked silently, scanning the area and delivering static-y images into her mind along the wires plugged into her empty eye sockets, the only lasting wound from the same "accident" which had killed her troll father and put her human mother in the mental ward, leaving Lalita in the care of her wealthy, human uncle Vicious.

Trolls lined the streets all around her, the majority of which were all headed in the same direction Lalita was. Some wore the plain, black robes of the First Year students, adorned only by the colorful school crest embroidered over the left breast, as did she. Others bore the colors of their Houses; robes of red, green, blue, and purple blended together in the mass of young trolls as they prepared themselves for another year of academic learning, reluctantly parting from family and loved ones and eagerly greeting old friends, allies, and enemies amongst their peers.

A high pitched squeal rent the air and Lalita turned sharply in its direction. A troll girl, older than Lalita though not much taller, in green uniform robes with curly, strawberry-blond hair, was desperately trying to escape the grip of a larger troll boy as wearing the same school colors as he tickled her sides. He had large bull like horns sprouting evenly from the sides of his head, each nearly the length of his strong arms.

Lalita pulled her hat down more firmly atop her own hornless crown and turned away, searching for Platform IX'10/6. She had to adjust the settings on her visor before she could accurately read the numbers written on each post but once she found the right ones locating the correct platform proved a simple task. Fighting through the hordes of new and returning students, all gathered about the same entrance, was far less so.

At one point, a First Year boy had lost his pet bat and was frantically tearing through the line of troll students looking for her. Students were permitted to bring their pets along to live with them during their stay at the academy, so long as the animals fell within certain perimeters and with the acknowledgment of the student that they were wholly responsible for the animals care and actions. The train station was full of caged birds, bats, cats, rats, frogs, snakes, ferrets, lizards, and the occasional deer, as well as various other types of animals, all waiting to board the train along with their masters and the other luggage.

The boy did eventually find his pet bat but not before another, bigger troll boy had taken a bite out of her. This resulted in a brawl which quickly got out of hand, drawing in several nearby students who had no idea what the fight was even about but were all still just as happy to kick, bite, and claw away at each other until several of the academy appointed guards had to step in and break it up.

Lalita squeezed her way through the throngs of trolls, dragging her heavy suitcases behind her, swearing colorfully under her breath," Loki's fat flaming vagina rat!" whenever they caught or threatened to tip over.

She found a compartment in the far back where her fellow trolls had yet to congregate. Too tired to lift the heavy suitcases into the overhead compartment, Lalita threw her belongings onto the seat next to her. She didn't want to share anyway.

She lay down across the unoccupied bench and began to doze. She was startled from her half-conscious nap a little over an hour later as the train began to move. The great engine stuttered to a start as they began to pull away from the station, building up to a steady thrum that became a roar as the train picked up speed. The station disappeared swiftly out of sight as they left it behind them, the Trollwarts Express ripping through the countryside like thunder.

Lalita fished a novel from her schoolbag and settled in for the long ride to the academy. She had just begun reading 50 Shades of Black earlier that week and was eager to see if it proved worthy of all the good reviews it had received.

Despite the impressive speed of the train, they did not arrive at the Trollwarts Station until nearly dawn, by which time Lalita had put aside her book (nearly half way through) and had rolled over in her seat for another nap, with Lady BlahBlah's Political Prostitute playing in her ears on repeat from her iTroll (a gift from her uncle upon receiving her acceptance letter to Trollwarts). She woke with a sore back and stiff neck as the train eased to a complete stop and the guards began to hurry their charges off the train. Lalita gathered her many belongings together and followed behind her peers.

Together, Lalita and several hundred troll children marched up the grassy hillside towards the foreboding castle looming above them, with their guards leading the way and flanking the rear, herding the young trolls along, racing the dawn that tinged the eastern horizon a pale blue. She cursed as she trudged up the slope with her heavy load, wishing that she had perhaps worn more practical shoes rather than the decorative heels which twisted and turned and threatened snap (their stems of her ankles, whichever gave first) with every other step.

When at last they reached the castle and it's heavy, armored doors shut behind them it was to a chorus of relieved sighs and thankful mutterings from students and academy guards alike. Dwarven slaves came forth to take their luggage while the students were now ushered into the Dining Hall, a massive room of stone and steel, cold and comfortable, with no windows save for the great stained glass ceiling, tempered to block out the rays of the sun, catching its fire within its spell to breathe life into their story, depicting the castle's glorious and bloody history from the times before it was a fortress of academic knowledge. Four tremendous tables stretched the length of the room, at which the returning students were already seated, enjoying their meals and talking amongst themselves. For a brief moment the room grew hushed as the First Years entered the hall before erupting into jeers and taunts and the occasional object thrown at them as they passed the tables laden with food and drink. Lalita caught a whiff of the bacon platter at the middle right table and gave a low moan in response to the near painful clench of her hungry belly. She'd not eaten since her hurried breakfast that dusk, before her uncle had dropped her off at the train station, and her stomach ached for nourishment.

She tore her wanting eyes away from the plates of food when she noticed their group had come to a stop before a monumental table position at the far wall of the room. This was the staff table and there sat some the finest educators the troll empire had to offer. At the center of the table was a large throne of ebony, lined with richly colored silks and soft cushions, the school crest engraved into its long back. In it sat a gorgeous troll woman, of several mixed breeds, in a dark and glittering black dress. Large, powerful, and buxom, she was easily 18ft in height and magic radiated from practically every centimeter as she stared down at them with burning, amethyst eyes. Long, curved horns, 48 inches in length each, perfectly even and polished, nested in a mass of long, wild curls. This was obviously an ancient and powerful troll; an Elder.

The room became instantly and utterly silent the moment the Elder Troll rose from her throne, graceful and strong, smiling with glinting, wicked eyes and many sharp teeth, raising her arms to them all in open greeting," Welcome, students, to Trollwarts School of Magic and Mysticism."

The voice that rose from that massive frame was shockingly high in pitch. Were Lalita the poetic type, she might compare it to the sound of cats in heat mating violently or perhaps glass shoved down the garbage disposal chute and being ground to bits by its dull and rusty blades, but she could only note with surprise the abrasive intonations scratching against her eardrums as she tried to focus on what was being said.

"I am your Headmistress, Professor Dumbitch. Many of you are returning to us from the year previous and we are glad that so few of you have died in the months between semesters. For some of you, this will be your First Year at Trollwarts. Magic has always been the gift of trolls, but you have been chosen for Trollwarts Academy because your talent and potential in the arcane arts surpasses that of your peers. Here, your skills will be tested, tried, nurtured, and sharpened into powerful tools of our great troll civilization. The worthy amongst you may even live long enough to see your efforts and dedication rewarded. I believe this will be an interesting year for Trollwarts and I hope you are each looking forward to it as much as I am."

With that, the Headmistress settled back into her throne and another troll rose from the table to stand before the First Years, bearing a scroll in hand.

"Right then," he began with a bark and glare," now comes the sorting. I'm Professor Gamin and for those few ignorant fucks amongst you who don't already know this shit, we have four Houses here at Trollwarts: Slytheryhne," he point to the table along the right wall, bearing a green banner with a silver dragon," Huffleruff," he indicated the table beside the first with the purple and gold banner bearing the image of an eel,"Ravenwing," and then pointed to the next table whose banner was blue and silver and was, obviously, marked by the image of a raven," and Griffinclaw." Finally, he pointed over to the last table, by the left wall. Their banner was red and and their mascot was- surprise! – a golden griffon.

"When I call your name," He waved his fist holding the thick scroll," you will come forth to receive the Sorting Sphere." He produced a dark velvet pouch from his belt and from it he pulled forth a large, black, glass ball and held it aloft for all to see," This will determine to which House you will belong, based on which attributes you possess and which House will best compliment you. The cleverest among you will be sorted into Ravenwing, the bravest into Griffinclaw, the more ambitious of you will be sorted into Slytheryhne, and the most ruthless and blood thirsty of your lot will be going into Huffleruff. And no, you can't switch or be transferred into another House for any reason, so you better make this work. You're Houses were chosen to help you grow and learn; to become better than middling motherfuckers you are now. You are expected to bring glory to your House and Housemates in return."

He turned to face a display along the far wall, behind the staff table, which Lalita had somehow failed to notice before now. On it stood four giant hourglasses, each filled with sands of a color representing the different houses: red, green, blue, and purple. Thus far, by use of some spell, the sand was being contained in the top half of the hourglass and not a single grain had yet to fall into the waiting, clear bottom glass below.

"Each year," continued Pr. Gamin," we hold a competition between the four Houses for points. You earn points for your House by gaining the favor of your instructors, though how you do this is between you and them. At the end of the year, the House with the most points will be rewarded and the House with the fewest points will be punished."

A nervous shudder ran through the Dining Hall which was more felt than seen or heard.

The professor turned back to the First Years with a wicked smile," We will now begin! After you're sorted, you can take your seat at your table and dig in." He unfurled the scroll with one hand and let the parchment hit the floor and keep rolling for some feet.

Lalita barely suppressed a groan.

"When I call your name, step forward to take the Sorting Sphere. AND DON'T DROP IT!" He growled. "If you miss your name being called, fuck you. If I mispronounce your name, fuck you. If you try to step forward to claim the name of someone else or try to switch names with anyone here, fuck you both! If you have any questions, fuck you! Let's do this shit."

He read the first name on the scroll," Arson, Alof! Get your ass up here, boy!"

Alof Arsen was sorted into the House of Huffleruff, who cheered and stomped and greeted their new brother. The next boy was also sorted into Huffleruff, as was the girl who came after him. Each was greeted just as enthusiastically as the first. The fourth to be sort went to the Ravenwing House, who welcomed their new sister just as eagerly, if not more so. Lalita noted that of the four houses, it seemed Ravenclaw had the fewest members.

She spent the next few hours trying to keep her mind and ears on the task of the sorting but her feet were beginning to ache, her back and neck were still stiff from the train, and she was hungry and surrounded by food she was not yet permitted to indulge in. The more she tried not to think about food the more she did. It was starting to become easier just to let her mind wander.

Lalita kept her ears open for anything that so much as sounded anything like her name- at least they were on the Os by now, going in Alphabetical order from A to Z- as she scanned the hall.

The staff had long since lost interest in the sorting and had resumed their feasting and talking amongst themselves, all except the Headmistress who seemed to be the only one, besides Pr. Gamin of course, who was still wholly interested in the sorting and was giving it her full attention, toothy smile never wavering. Lalita's fellow First Years had swiftly grown impatient and shifted about on their tired feet, bored and irritable but not willing to be distracted from their first activity as attendants of the troll empire's most prestigious magical academy. The older students were only half paying attention, pausing in their dining and mingling only to welcome a new member to their House.

Her visor sent back images in stark shapes and flashes of vivid colors as she searched the throng of trolls for something interesting to take her mind off her aching feet and belly. She found it at the Slytheryhne table. Lalita recognized the troll with the curly hair. She was once again being harassed by another troll though not the same one as before. Bull-horns was in fact seated several heads down from Curly. In his place, a tall, lanky and deeply tanned female troll with sharp features and copious amounts of white hair was talking, loudly, over the palaver of her Housemates, while occasionally prodding and pawing at the rather bored looking blond. It seemed like the taller girl was trying to coerce, or perhaps threaten, the other and was growing frustrated with the red-blonde's seemingly lack of interest, or reaction of any kind, but Lalita had taken note of the deliberate way in which the smaller troll had put aside her meal but not her steak knife. The fuzzy-headed Slytheryhne placed a hand on the other girls shoulder, earning her a fierce glare. Rather than press, the angular troll girl backed off, shifting into a friendlier posture in less than five seconds, smooth as butter, and pulled something out of her robe pocket.

"Lalita Potter!"

Lalita jumped as her name was called, tearing her gaze away from the Slytheryhne table to stare in the general direction of Pr. Gamin who sneered down at her in return, holding forth the Sorting Sphere like he was daring her to take it.

She composed herself in half a second and marched forward to snatch the glass ball from him. It was light and cool in her hands.

Pr. Gamin hovered over her, uncomfortably close and threateningly large, but she ignored him as she gave the magic ball a firm shake with both hands, waiting impatiently for those glittering words of fate to rise from its dark, liquid innards. Her scanner barely had time to read the information and send it to her brain before Pr. Gamin bellowed over her shoulder one word for the whole hall to hear:

"SLYTHERYHNE!"